My wife is so defensive.

[edensparkles]

Been with my wife for 14 years married for 5. Ever since I've known her she's been defensive, but now we have kids it's become really difficult. There's always excuses/reasons etc. We've both been through a lot and I find I have to be the bigger person and park my emotional and physical needs. I never ever get a yes I accept your opinion.

Even things which seem simple like saying it makes me really stressed when I come downstairs from WFH and the downstairs is really messy are we able to agree that we will tidy away stuff before the other person comes downstairs etc is met with huge backlash.

Another example she will sleep in till really late. She had a rough night dealing with our 2u2 on Xmas day she didn't appear out of bed on boxing day until 3pm. I didn't get much of a mental break and ended up only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep myself. She says I lack compassion and empathy but she makes excuses for example she had a rough night, but then doesn't end up going to bed till 2/3am. And she's always been a night person from before we had kids so her reasoning doesn't have as much impact and I find it hard to take them seriously.

Any ideas/tips/suggestions I want to help and be a supportive husband but it's so difficult.

Have you considered marriage counselling?

My mother is so defensive too. I've fallen out with her now but if I could go back to the start i'd tell her that she doesn't have to be perfect full stop. I know I'm not perfect. And that she doesn't have to be perfect to be loved.

my mother's defensiveness is so off the scale it's mind blowing though so I don't know if this would have worked!

There is a lot online on how to be less defensive but as if defensive pepole would ever access it. There's less on how to get through to defensive people.

Being defensive is a successful way to prevent anybody challenging you or expecting you to change though. It could be half real defensiveness and half strategy to avoid you having any expectations of her.

I would suggest that when you come downstairs and see a mess quietly without comment tidy it up.

You want tidy - she doesn’t or can’t. Clean it yourself. I’ve found women can be extreme on on cleaning, either they are thorough or negligent. I’m a bit OCD, that’s my issue, so i clean when i come in from work if it bothers me. It’s not the 50’s any more. My missus loves cooking - i’m lucky - she creates bombshells in the kitchen to do so. That’s the give and take.

So what she didn’t get up til 3? Did you have somewhere to be? People coming round? late nights can be disruptive to sleep cycles and if she’s the primary care giver at home, it’s non stop.

Sorry OP, but one guy to another, whatever your going through, you’ve picked some awfull examples to get grumpy about.

@Bard6817 can I give you my dh’s number?

How many times in an avg week are you downstairs with the DC and would therefore need to tidy up before she comes down from WFH?

lol.

I can remember staying up really late when dc were small as although I was really tired, that was the only time I had to be "me" and do things I wanted.
I would have hate having dh working from home when the dc were small, especially if he was critical.
Is she defensive or are you hyper critical?

It isn't reciprocal. And I've usually had less sleep than her and it's usually disrupted. So then I don't normally get a break until the afternoon this is at weekends or during the holidays

I would usually have a quick tidy before we swap on the mornings. I have the kids till 9am when we swap I work and she takes over with the kids.

It sounds like you look after them for a couple of hours and she looks after them for 8 hours? Not sure it is an easy comparison in that case. Kids do make a house messier. Are you being unrealistic with your expectations? I wonder if your wife feels like you're not listening to her?

She had a rough night dealing with two under 2s on Christmas night? But you didn't? Did you not take over looking after one child when she did the other?
I don't understand why you weren't both doing that?

Also, do you come downstairs from working at home at a set time every day?

Because I take them in a morning so she can catch up on sleep.

So she never ever gets a full nights sleep butvthe default is thst you do? And you're moaning about havin to fo what she dies every day on boxing day?
You're having a laugh.

You're meant to be a team. Working together and it doesn't seem like you are.

Whatvtime do they wake up?

Why don't you each have a child for the night and swap over every night. So if one night you have the child with the worst sleep, the next night should be better.

It's completely unfair that she's getting up with two little ones while you sleep all night, I'm not surprised she feels defensive.

You wouldn't last long in my house...

We alternate it everyday my point is that the days its my turn to catch up on sleep we usually swap midmorning not mid-afternoon

I probably wasn't clear. We alternate each day.

We both preferred to alternate that way it's only one person with disrupted sleep rather than both of us. But my point is it affects me too when it's my turn to catch up on sleep.

You're not telling us more about the tidying OP. I think perhaps your expectations of how tidy a house should be when there are young kids in it is the problem and your wife finds it controlling when you try and make her prioritise tidying over the kids needs.

I find I have to be the bigger person and park my emotional and physical needs.
Hmm. Are you sure you haven't started a thread to whine about your poor lonely penis?

You sound like an absolute peach, OP. Would love to hear your wife's perception of this.

Hmm this is a difficult one. Ot all seems to be quite negative without many moments of joy mentioned here. The defensiveness looks like an attitude she has about things and perhaps a passive aggressiveness.
i get the sense you are trying to accomodate her and walk on eggshells around her.
You have said she pretty much thinks she's always right abd doesn't let you have your opinion, which is a bit of a red flag for me and controlling.

I think a married couple should work hard to communicate effectively. There will be times we all get bit wrong but if you have a sense you are always wrong and nothing you do is good enough, it's time for some deep reflection ibti this relationship and exactly what you are getting out if it.

So you have 2 under 2 and your complaints are that she doesn't tidy the house enough and if she hasn't had much sleep at night from being up with the kids she sleeps in to late (although this can only be happening on weekends and holidays as otherwise she is looking after the kids from 9)

If a messy house stresses you out that much did you not think about the impact of having 2 children under 2? Or did you just blithely assume your wife would sort out all the mess and the parenting during the day?

Whenvyou are working from home do you phone down and say ' i am coming downstairs so she can drop everything and start tidying or do you expect her to look after 2 babies under the age of 2 on very little sleep and also keep the house in a satisfactory state in case you decide to come downstairs?