Page 4 | My wife is so defensive.

edensparkles · 2023-01-03T18:15:52+00:00

Been with my wife for 14 years married for 5. Ever since I've known her she's been defensive, but now we have kids it's become really difficult. There's always excuses/reasons etc. We've both been through a lot and I find I have to be the bigger person and park my emotional and physical needs. I never ever get a yes I accept your opinion. Even things which seem simple like saying it makes me really stressed when I come downstairs from WFH and the downstairs is really messy are we able to agree that we will tidy away stuff before the other person comes downstairs etc is met with huge backlash. Another example she will sleep in till really late. She had a rough night dealing with our 2u2 on Xmas day she didn't appear out of bed on boxing day until 3pm. I didn't get much of a mental break and ended up only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep myself. She says I lack compassion and empathy but she makes excuses for example she had a rough night, but then doesn't end up going to bed till 2/3am. And she's always been a night person from before we had kids so her reasoning doesn't have as much impact and I find it hard to take them seriously. Any ideas/tips/suggestions I want to help and be a supportive husband but it's so difficult.

RavenclawsPrincess · 03/01/2023 22:11

But it's.far far easier than being at work. I give up work and be a full time dad if we could. It's much better than seeing them a few hours per day.

This is what’s behind it isn’t it OP. You think your wife has the “easier” job and you resent her for it. Come back when you’ve had two small kids all day every day for 6 months and let’s see if you think it’s easier than working at that point shall we?

Sending a photo of the petrol gauge was also a dick move, tbh. Totally unnecessary.

workiskillingme · 03/01/2023 22:11

I'm a SAHM to one school age child and my DH still goes out every Sunday evening once DS is in bed and fills up my car for me. Sorry, but I think you are adding to your wife's burden rather than supporting her by lightening her load.

Bloody hell sahm to one at school and don't even fuel your car? Not being funny but how light does your 'load' need to be??

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 22:12

Oh god. I read your post properly- missed the part about you nagging her about the mess. And you textung her photos of empty tank. You sound a bit critical all the time to her and like a nagging mother. Surely that's why she's defensive?
Everything about her you have said is very negative...do you have anything positive to mention?

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/01/2023 22:13

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:03

The next day I got in the car with the kids and it was on zero. I said nicely to her with a photo of the empty tank please can you top it up before you bring the car home.because it makes me worry we will breakdown and it's dangerous with them in the car.

She got so defensive blaming it on the car being on a slope. That's why it's.showing zero, and that she didn't know where the mileage indicator was or where the fuel tank guage is.

And that it obviously had fuel in because we made it to the petrol station

Instead of just saying no worries sorry

Wow you took a picture of the gauge and sent it too her.

Original poster

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:14

Because she said it wasn't empty or on zero. Which it was.

OP posts:

Palmface · 03/01/2023 22:15

RavenclawsPrincess · 03/01/2023 22:11

But it's.far far easier than being at work. I give up work and be a full time dad if we could. It's much better than seeing them a few hours per day.

This is what’s behind it isn’t it OP. You think your wife has the “easier” job and you resent her for it. Come back when you’ve had two small kids all day every day for 6 months and let’s see if you think it’s easier than working at that point shall we?

Sending a photo of the petrol gauge was also a dick move, tbh. Totally unnecessary.

This is exactly it.

Also, my kids are way more whingey and needy with me than my dh as I'm primary caregiver. So it is easier for dh when he has them. But if he was primary caregiver I think he'd have the tougher time with them.

Ps when my dh sees their behaviour with me he sympathises with me and understands, instead of point scoring...

SuperHandss · 03/01/2023 22:15

I said nicely to her with a photo of the empty tank please can you top it up before you bring the car home.because it makes me worry we will breakdown and it's dangerous with them in the car.

Why the heck did you take a photo!?

Tbh you lost me at your opener, ‘are we able to agree…’. I hate that patronising language & it would make me narky too.

Boomboom22 · 03/01/2023 22:15

But was the car parked on a slope at the time? As she said it was.

SityingConar · 03/01/2023 22:16

Thehonestbadger · 03/01/2023 20:49

Honestly 2u2 is rough.
We have 14 months between ours and it feels like we are constantly bickering and getting rubbed up the wrong way.

I’d consider that whilst you feel entitled to express your opinion's and thoughts ‘it’s too messy down here’ they might come across like you’re having a go at your wife and therefore she feels justified to defend herself or actions.
Its not the case that you have an unquestionable right to voice your opinions with no pushback.

We do things the flip to you, my hubby does the nights and is a night person whilst I do the mornings, he sleeps in. I don’t think it’s very fair. Mostly because through the night it’s not constant childcare and it’s very very rarely both of them at the same time whereas mornings/daytime it’s both of them all the time. I understand why you’re annoyed tbh what I found helped was making a simple spreadsheet with each child and the time on an average day each parent is ‘on duty’ I did mine in 3 colours

me parenting alone
hubby parenting alone
co parenting

it quite clearly showed a disparity where hubby basically never parents both kids alone but I do it for 3/4 hours every day. He also gets on average 1.5 hours more sleep and 1.5 hours more downtime. He couldn’t argue with the facts in black and white and he’s improved since

Good thinking!

Palmface · 03/01/2023 22:17

Op you sound controlling. Why do you get to set the standards of cleanliness in your family home? Stop hassling your exhausted wife and start being kind. She doesn't work for you.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 03/01/2023 22:17

workiskillingme · 03/01/2023 22:11

I'm a SAHM to one school age child and my DH still goes out every Sunday evening once DS is in bed and fills up my car for me. Sorry, but I think you are adding to your wife's burden rather than supporting her by lightening her load.

Bloody hell sahm to one at school and don't even fuel your car? Not being funny but how light does your 'load' need to be??

A lot lighter than most people's. But that's not the point. The point was that loving husband's support their wives when they're struggling, rather than sending photos of petrol guages and suggesting 'we' do better next time like they think they're her manager.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 22:18

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:14

Because she said it wasn't empty or on zero. Which it was.

I'd find this very pedantic though. It's like taking a picture of a cup of tea she left on the table and going- " you left the tea here an hour ago. Couldn't you put it in the dishwasher". People find that shit annoying. Just do it and job done. She might even thank you then!

Howmanycups · 03/01/2023 22:19

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 03/01/2023 22:17

A lot lighter than most people's. But that's not the point. The point was that loving husband's support their wives when they're struggling, rather than sending photos of petrol guages and suggesting 'we' do better next time like they think they're her manager.

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Exactly.

MiddleParking · 03/01/2023 22:20

God, this has really reminded me how not annoying my husband actually is. Thanks OP.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 03/01/2023 22:20

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:01

She usually gets up in the afternoon unless we have things to go/do

So she simultaneously usually gets up in the afternoon and takes them off you at 9am?

And she apparently gets up at 3pm but the one example you gave where that happened she was also ill and doing the night feeds?

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 03/01/2023 22:25

You keep saying she is defensive but in the examples you give its where you are accusatory. Its really hard not to come across as defensive when someone is being accusatory.

You seem to want a submissive wife who agrees to all your demands and doesnt have opinions of her own whilst rushing to get the house perfect every day for when then important breadwinner gets home from work

You complain she doesnt meet your physical or emotional needs whilst moaning about her physical needs (more sleep after a broken night when ill) and making no mention of her emotional needs.

Original poster

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:26

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 22:18

I'd find this very pedantic though. It's like taking a picture of a cup of tea she left on the table and going- " you left the tea here an hour ago. Couldn't you put it in the dishwasher". People find that shit annoying. Just do it and job done. She might even thank you then!

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It's completely missing the point. I said a fact, the tank was on empty. It makes me really anxious wether or not we will make it on time that's my feeling that I'm entitled to feel. She then said it wasn't empty, so.i sent her a photo of the empty tank showing her why I was.so anxious.

And instead my wife said my feelings weren't valid.

OP posts:

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 22:28

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:26

It's completely missing the point. I said a fact, the tank was on empty. It makes me really anxious wether or not we will make it on time that's my feeling that I'm entitled to feel. She then said it wasn't empty, so.i sent her a photo of the empty tank showing her why I was.so anxious.

And instead my wife said my feelings weren't valid.

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What does she do that your find helpful or positive? It feels very negative. I'm not sure why you are both together if you don't see eye to eye?

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 03/01/2023 22:28

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:26

It's completely missing the point. I said a fact, the tank was on empty. It makes me really anxious wether or not we will make it on time that's my feeling that I'm entitled to feel. She then said it wasn't empty, so.i sent her a photo of the empty tank showing her why I was.so anxious.

And instead my wife said my feelings weren't valid.

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are you getting any kind of medical help for your anxiety? I've with someone who refused to fet help for their anxiety and jonestly it was mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Constantly being made responsible for managing someone else's anxiety is completely unfair. You need to take ownership of this yourself if you are not already doing so

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 22:29

I get what you are saying about stating facts and wanting her to validate your feelings. Bit it is possible the way you are expressing your facts about your anxiety I'd coming across as critical to her and nitpicking? Just trying to broaden that perspective here since we have no way of asking her side either

PearPickingPorky · 03/01/2023 22:30

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:00

My wife's not been well recently and I've had the girls full time and I've done the nights and mornings etc. Yes there are times it's felt stressful and I've wanted to tear my hair out. But it's.far far easier than being at work. I give up work and be a full time dad if we could. It's much better than seeing them a few hours per day.

I think that's partly why I have issues here. I can do a night and get up with them in the morning but my wife finds it impossible and will outright refuse.

While working full-time you've been looking after 2 under 2 while working but also handing them over to your wife at 9am but she sleeps until the afternoon, but only 3 days a week because the grandparents do one day each.

This is all quite hard to follow.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 03/01/2023 22:30

My kids are grown up and i can't remember the last time i filled my xar up with petrol. My dh alwats does it for me.

Why on earth eould you not just go and fill up the car when you noticed it?

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 22:31

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 03/01/2023 22:28

are you getting any kind of medical help for your anxiety? I've with someone who refused to fet help for their anxiety and jonestly it was mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Constantly being made responsible for managing someone else's anxiety is completely unfair. You need to take ownership of this yourself if you are not already doing so

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Yes I like this point you made here. The part about taking responsibility for your own anxiety is a form of self validation too.

Holly6547 · 03/01/2023 22:32

It sounds like you have a lot of complaints and she’s defensive about them. The thing about it is that even if your complaints are valid, and endless stream of criticism leaves the other person drained and defensive. I am guilty of this and it’s something that I have had to actively work on.

How many positive interactions do you have? Sometimes you have to let the messy room or the empty petrol tank go. Mention the positives. Cut your wife and your marriage some slack. You have two young children and it’s hard for a marriage to survive more complaints than compliments.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 22:34

Yes, maybe give her some positive reinforcement and some compliments