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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife is so defensive.

173 replies

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 18:15

Been with my wife for 14 years married for 5. Ever since I've known her she's been defensive, but now we have kids it's become really difficult. There's always excuses/reasons etc. We've both been through a lot and I find I have to be the bigger person and park my emotional and physical needs. I never ever get a yes I accept your opinion.

Even things which seem simple like saying it makes me really stressed when I come downstairs from WFH and the downstairs is really messy are we able to agree that we will tidy away stuff before the other person comes downstairs etc is met with huge backlash.

Another example she will sleep in till really late. She had a rough night dealing with our 2u2 on Xmas day she didn't appear out of bed on boxing day until 3pm. I didn't get much of a mental break and ended up only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep myself. She says I lack compassion and empathy but she makes excuses for example she had a rough night, but then doesn't end up going to bed till 2/3am. And she's always been a night person from before we had kids so her reasoning doesn't have as much impact and I find it hard to take them seriously.

Any ideas/tips/suggestions I want to help and be a supportive husband but it's so difficult.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 03/01/2023 22:35

You sound very irritating and she sounds like she's mentally checking out of your relationship and so doesn't care how much she annoys you.

Kanaloa · 03/01/2023 22:36

Do you get help for your anxiety? Or is your wife expected to keep the house tidy/car full/everything done so you don’t feel stressed or anxious? It isn’t normal to feel stressed because your wife hasn’t tidied the house to your standard every day. You could easily pick up the mess yourself. She is looking after two small babies. When you have sole charge of them does she return to a spic and span home?

I find that often people use their ‘stress’ and ‘anxiety’ as a way to control others. It is our own responsibility to care for our mental health - not other people’s!

Anotherbloomingchristmas · 03/01/2023 22:39

I'd be pretty anxious too if my car showed zero fuel, plus its selfish not to fill it up when it's very low.
As for the rest i think you need to meet in the middle, you be more laid back and your dw step up a bit.

Kanaloa · 03/01/2023 22:42

However you’ve said how super easy it is to be a stay at home parent and keep the house immaculate and do everything else - so why don’t you broach this idea? Talk to your wife about perhaps her going back to work and you both doing 50/50 (so ‘we’ tidy the downstairs really means ‘we’ and not ‘my wife’). Or her going back full time and you becoming the stay at home parent.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 03/01/2023 22:58

OP you have 2 children under 2 which means it's highly likely your partner is on maternity leave still as if child number 1 is under 2, child number 2 is probably under 1 unless they are twins.

So in which case is there a reason you didn't opt for shared parental leave as it sounds like this would have really suited you if you want to be a SAHD? Is this something you can look into once your partners maternity leave (or the equivalent tome period if she is out of work) has come to an end?

WallaceinAnderland · 03/01/2023 23:01

You're starting to sound defensive now OP. Perhaps you can understand what it might be like for your wife having to explain herself all the time.

Thoughtful2355 · 03/01/2023 23:04

Ohhh!!!! I've had this situation!! Except I'm the wife! Finally a post I relate too!

Okay so firstly the gas thing.. nope nope nope, when you send her a photo it's just pure aggression showing. I hate it when my husband does that and yes it makes me very defensive. He has sent me for example a picture of a broken bottle thats spilt a little and be like "can we not do these anymore" or " that's why I told you to chuck them" it seems innocent but the picture and the words together just screams aggressive asshole!

And the tidying!! Hard to say if yabu as it could be she's lazy or it could be that her day has been too tiring! Sometimes my toddlers knacker me out so much that I can't do anything until they are asleep and I've had a break so can't comment on that.

DatingDinosaur · 03/01/2023 23:22

You took a photo of your car’s petrol gauge and sent it to your wife????

Can you explain why you think that’s a normal thing to do?

Are you trying to train her to be obedient?

I hope she sees the light and divorces you. You sound like a controlling, patronising emotional bully.

dolor · 03/01/2023 23:30

You sound like too much hard work. You've got two very young kids, with someone who is more suited to night time hours. Rather than nagging her, try and find out what would make it easier for her.

I'm a night person, and trying to drag a night person into your ideals and overreaction with regard to the car, is going to be an issue.

I genuinely don't know why folks have kids and magically expect it to go well, when you have opposing lifestyle choices.

Btw if you don't want the car to be empty, get a fuel can and fill it. That way you can top it up yourself.

Original poster
edensparkles · 03/01/2023 23:52

Because she said to me it wasn't empty.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 03/01/2023 23:54

Mate, why didn't you just get some petrol. If she's not coping, she need help not reprimanding.

Frith2013 · 03/01/2023 23:57

What do you mean, you do the bills? Don't you pay by direct debit? Surely this is barely a chore.

Passive aggressive photo of the petrol gauge. Just fill it the next time you go out.

Get a supermarket delivery if shopping is so exhausting?

Frith2013 · 04/01/2023 00:00

Of course she told you it wasn't empty. She's fed up of your whinging!

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/01/2023 00:02

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 23:52

Because she said to me it wasn't empty.

Explain to me why you had to do that.
Surely you get in the car, see it is empty and think ' oh we need petrol."
Then you drive to the petrol station and put in some petrol.
And that is the end of it.

Instead, you have created an argument. Why?

RunLolaRun102 · 04/01/2023 00:09

When you criticise a lot and over tiny things eventually the other person will check out. My DH is like you - bloody doesn’t wake up when DS is unwell through the night, but then criticises me for giving him Calpol ‘too much’ because apparently he knows better than the doctor I called on 111. I now ignore him. Nothing he says is of value to me and I’m just waiting until I’ve progressed enough at work to afford to run the house alone.

monsteramunch · 04/01/2023 00:09

You ironically are being very defensive...

foxlover47 · 04/01/2023 00:15

So
You think maybe she might have post natal
Depression ... sleeping in till
The afternoon , not wanting to get up sounds depressed to me ...
In other news this post reminds
Me why I am happy
To be a single mum and do not want a partner

foxlover47 · 04/01/2023 00:15

Do ** you think ..

dolor · 04/01/2023 05:48

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 23:52

Because she said to me it wasn't empty.

Christ. Get over it.

JustKittenAround · 04/01/2023 06:54

dolor · 04/01/2023 05:48

Christ. Get over it.

Show quote history

OP does seem exhausting…

OP when was the last time you gave your wife a back rub ? A proper date? Brought her a little favoring to show her she is special and loved?

Have you always been so tit for tat?

Do you have insight enough to realize you’ve been talking about your anxiety and distress but haven’t stopped to think about hers?

All these mean women huh? Except THIS is what most think. The advice and comments here are how others will see it.

Sorry about you gas tank stud, the day is fast approaching that when you throw a hissy fit you won’t even get text back. You will be set to ignore.

You seem to feel very indignant because you help out with your children … that YOUR job. No cookie for that sorry! You are bound to care for your own children and you aren’t showing up for your wife.

Bet you’ll show us how defensive you are…

MintJulia · 04/01/2023 07:21

Fladdermus · 03/01/2023 19:26

I can't believe your wife is looking after 2 babies all day and you stroll in after work, criticise her lack of tidying and then wonder why she's defensive.

This.

Kids make mess, it's normal. Rather than expecting tidy, why don't you finish work, join your family, deal with supper and bedtime routine between you, and then tidy between you before you go to bed.

Herejustforthisone · 04/01/2023 07:51

Why is the OP getting a hard time? He’s not being supported by his wife, who is clearly not a team player. She may have a psychological reason behind it, and I’d encourage her to seek help. Does she work too?

Highlyflavouredgravy · 04/01/2023 08:01

Herejustforthisone · 04/01/2023 07:51

Why is the OP getting a hard time? He’s not being supported by his wife, who is clearly not a team player. She may have a psychological reason behind it, and I’d encourage her to seek help. Does she work too?

How much support is ge giving his wife?????

Goldbar · 04/01/2023 08:02

Herejustforthisone · 04/01/2023 07:51

Why is the OP getting a hard time? He’s not being supported by his wife, who is clearly not a team player. She may have a psychological reason behind it, and I’d encourage her to seek help. Does she work too?

Maybe his wife is not on team OP and has a different agenda. If you impose your own agenda on others without their buy-in, they tend to be resentful and uncooperative.

RavenclawsPrincess · 04/01/2023 08:40

Herejustforthisone · 04/01/2023 07:51

Why is the OP getting a hard time? He’s not being supported by his wife, who is clearly not a team player. She may have a psychological reason behind it, and I’d encourage her to seek help. Does she work too?

Because his expectations of someone looking after two small children on broken sleep are unrealistic. He is demanding the house is tidy when he comes downstairs from work, as if his wife is a maid. He sends passive aggressive photos of empty petrol tanks to make his point. The way in which the OP is going about this is not exactly team play either. He’s basically demanding that his wife conforms to what he wants. And he’s on here doing competitive “me working is so much harder than her looking after the kids” bullshit. He thinks his wife is getting an easy ride and she owes him all the grunt work because he’s the breadwinner. He’s getting a hard time because his attitude sucks.

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