Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My wife is so defensive.

173 replies

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 18:15

Been with my wife for 14 years married for 5. Ever since I've known her she's been defensive, but now we have kids it's become really difficult. There's always excuses/reasons etc. We've both been through a lot and I find I have to be the bigger person and park my emotional and physical needs. I never ever get a yes I accept your opinion.

Even things which seem simple like saying it makes me really stressed when I come downstairs from WFH and the downstairs is really messy are we able to agree that we will tidy away stuff before the other person comes downstairs etc is met with huge backlash.

Another example she will sleep in till really late. She had a rough night dealing with our 2u2 on Xmas day she didn't appear out of bed on boxing day until 3pm. I didn't get much of a mental break and ended up only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep myself. She says I lack compassion and empathy but she makes excuses for example she had a rough night, but then doesn't end up going to bed till 2/3am. And she's always been a night person from before we had kids so her reasoning doesn't have as much impact and I find it hard to take them seriously.

Any ideas/tips/suggestions I want to help and be a supportive husband but it's so difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
edensparkles · 03/01/2023 21:21

I take them with me at the weekends in the weekdays I go when they're in bed.

I often do chores dishwasher etc around the kids.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 03/01/2023 21:24

I can understand why she's being defensive to be honest but I can't articulate why properly, perhaps it's because the tone of your posts seems...accusatory? If you're broaching subjects with her in that manner it will put her back up.

Maybe have a think on a different way of raising the issues that concern you.

catandcoffee · 03/01/2023 21:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

vodkaredbullgirl · 03/01/2023 21:31

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Think you might have the wrong thread.

samqueens · 03/01/2023 21:38

I’m afraid your posts do sound increasingly exculpatory and solely focused on a tick list of things you do (and those she doesn’t).

Your wife has said you lack compassion and empathy. it seems pretty clear that’s the case.

Rather than defending yourself here and criticising her, maybe look at what you can do to improve your emotional skills. It doesn’t seem you want to engage with any comment or suggestion that involves you actually acknowledging your shortcomings or empathising with her side of the equation.

howmanybicycles · 03/01/2023 21:41

I think this thread shows is that one suggestion which might help is to work on your communication and listening skills. Communication issues are often implicated in stressed relationships. Communication is about listening as well as speaking. I do mean this as a kind suggestion so I hope it comes across like that. You have not responded to a lot of questions which people have posted and your posts have been very short and lacking the detail some people feel they need before they can offer the ideas you were seeking. Is it possible that the truncated explanations and limited response to others thoughts is also a feature of your conversations with your wife? You have some pretty clear ideas about how things should be done but there are others ways of looking at things. If you can try and hear your wife's views better and explain yours more thoroughly, that may help you both to reach a compromise.

Minimalme · 03/01/2023 21:43

I am about as laid-back as it's possible to be but if my dh asked if "we' can agree to tidy up before he came downstairs I'd be more than defensive.

You have two kids under two op. Get real.

howmanybicycles · 03/01/2023 21:46

Minimalme · 03/01/2023 21:43

I am about as laid-back as it's possible to be but if my dh asked if "we' can agree to tidy up before he came downstairs I'd be more than defensive.

You have two kids under two op. Get real.

My answer would be 'no' and I'd be pissed off he if did not accept that!

justasking111 · 03/01/2023 21:47

I swear men think women have longer arms designed for picking up stuff all day

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 03/01/2023 21:47

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 21:12

We had a huge row after she brought the car back with no fuel and I asked her nicely I would add.if she could make sure it isn't on zero because it makes me.really anxious.

I'm a SAHM to one school age child and my DH still goes out every Sunday evening once DS is in bed and fills up my car for me. Sorry, but I think you are adding to your wife's burden rather than supporting her by lightening her load.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 03/01/2023 21:52

Even things which seem simple like saying it makes me really stressed when I come downstairs from WFH and the downstairs is really messy are we able to agree that we will tidy away stuff before the other person comes downstairs etc is met with huge backlash

You seem to lack insight that having to have the house tidy every day by a certain deadline whilst looking after two very young children and being sleep deprived may make your wife really stressed out.

You also want 'we' to agree to something that apparently only impacts your wife and only benefits you.

You sound very rigid. It's impossible for your partner to meet these standards. What if she wants to take the children put at the time you have decided she should be cleaning. What if one of them is upset and needs comforting. What if they are napping and she doesn't want to disturb them. What if she's exhausted.

toocold54 · 03/01/2023 21:54

I'm a SAHM to one school age child and my DH still goes out every Sunday evening once DS is in bed and fills up my car for me. Sorry, but I think you are adding to your wife's burden rather than supporting her by lightening her load.

This is ridiculous.

Why drive the car out to go and put petrol in? What a waste of fuel, money and time.

Surely whoever’s driving it when it goes into the red fills it up whilst they’re out.

toocold54 · 03/01/2023 21:55

OP can you explain a bit more about the hours you both work and what you do around the home etc.

It definitely sounds like you are doing your fair share but unfortunately you cannot get unbiased opinions on MN if you are a man.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 03/01/2023 21:57

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 21:12

We had a huge row after she brought the car back with no fuel and I asked her nicely I would add.if she could make sure it isn't on zero because it makes me.really anxious.

Was it a one off or a regular occurance

Because if you had a huge row after she bought a car back with little fuel once then that's an over reaction. My DH often does things occasionally that irritate me but I only bring them up if it's a regular occurance. If I had a huge row when he does things rarely or once then he would be justifiably annoyed

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/01/2023 21:57

You still haven't said what your wife is doing at the weekend while you are doing chores and shopping with the kids.

Original poster
edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:00

My wife's not been well recently and I've had the girls full time and I've done the nights and mornings etc. Yes there are times it's felt stressful and I've wanted to tear my hair out. But it's.far far easier than being at work. I give up work and be a full time dad if we could. It's much better than seeing them a few hours per day.

I think that's partly why I have issues here. I can do a night and get up with them in the morning but my wife finds it impossible and will outright refuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:01

She usually gets up in the afternoon unless we have things to go/do

OP posts:
Original poster
edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:03

The next day I got in the car with the kids and it was on zero. I said nicely to her with a photo of the empty tank please can you top it up before you bring the car home.because it makes me worry we will breakdown and it's dangerous with them in the car.

She got so defensive blaming it on the car being on a slope. That's why it's.showing zero, and that she didn't know where the mileage indicator was or where the fuel tank guage is.

And that it obviously had fuel in because we made it to the petrol station

Instead of just saying no worries sorry

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 03/01/2023 22:04

edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:00

My wife's not been well recently and I've had the girls full time and I've done the nights and mornings etc. Yes there are times it's felt stressful and I've wanted to tear my hair out. But it's.far far easier than being at work. I give up work and be a full time dad if we could. It's much better than seeing them a few hours per day.

I think that's partly why I have issues here. I can do a night and get up with them in the morning but my wife finds it impossible and will outright refuse.

Bit of a drip feed, taken all this time to mention it.

Boomboom22 · 03/01/2023 22:07

Well she was right, if the car was on a slope you can't read the petrol gage accurately. It's a bit weird to text her about it instead of just filling up on your way to wherever you are going. Presumably to do the shopping where they have pay at pump.

Boomboom22 · 03/01/2023 22:08

She has been ill and sounds exhausted if she stays in bed until 3pm. Maybe a blood test just to see if all is OK.

Original poster
edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:08

It was empty or nearly empty. I wouldn't do that myself, and still she couldn't see my view and the fact it made me really anxious and worried we would breakdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
edensparkles · 03/01/2023 22:09

I said in my original post she doesn't go to bed till 2/3am.

OP posts:
BringBackCoffeeCreams · 03/01/2023 22:09

toocold54 · 03/01/2023 21:54

I'm a SAHM to one school age child and my DH still goes out every Sunday evening once DS is in bed and fills up my car for me. Sorry, but I think you are adding to your wife's burden rather than supporting her by lightening her load.

This is ridiculous.

Why drive the car out to go and put petrol in? What a waste of fuel, money and time.

Surely whoever’s driving it when it goes into the red fills it up whilst they’re out.

Because the school runs, club drop offs and dr's appointments don't pass the petrol station. So whoever fills up is going to have to go out of their way to to do so

BurbageBrook · 03/01/2023 22:09

Totally unfair to come downstairs and moan about mess. You’re being unfair here. Her not surfacing until 3pm is a different issue and perhaps more reasonable to be a little annoyed about.