My wife is so defensive.

[edensparkles]

Been with my wife for 14 years married for 5. Ever since I've known her she's been defensive, but now we have kids it's become really difficult. There's always excuses/reasons etc. We've both been through a lot and I find I have to be the bigger person and park my emotional and physical needs. I never ever get a yes I accept your opinion.

Even things which seem simple like saying it makes me really stressed when I come downstairs from WFH and the downstairs is really messy are we able to agree that we will tidy away stuff before the other person comes downstairs etc is met with huge backlash.

Another example she will sleep in till really late. She had a rough night dealing with our 2u2 on Xmas day she didn't appear out of bed on boxing day until 3pm. I didn't get much of a mental break and ended up only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep myself. She says I lack compassion and empathy but she makes excuses for example she had a rough night, but then doesn't end up going to bed till 2/3am. And she's always been a night person from before we had kids so her reasoning doesn't have as much impact and I find it hard to take them seriously.

Any ideas/tips/suggestions I want to help and be a supportive husband but it's so difficult.

Have you not read his posts?

Husbands working from home can be a recipe for disaster. They notice too much. It's not good for anyone's mental health or relationship IMO

I didn't say I expect the house to be tidy. I said could she tidy the toys before I come downstairs because.its incredibly stressful when I finish work and there's every single book and box of toys spilt out everywhere. When there isn't an ounce of floor space to see.

And on the fuel thing, I still don't get the hate. Help me understand why it's so unreasonable that I can't ask her really nicely to not leave me with what appears to be zero fuel. And for her to deny that it was empty and be defensive which is why I sent her a photo of said empty tank. Instead of her saying sorry.

🙄

why put the toys away though if the kids are still playing with them for another hour or two?

Because they don't play with them. Throughout the day unless someone keeps on top of it it all just piles up and up and we end up with every single tub turned upside down. It literally looks like a bomb site.

It is my space too is it not?

So she needs to tidy it all away for you at a set time? It's very "managerial"

Who actually tidies it away at the end of the day?

That is what happens when you have kids, there is mess. Exactly what time do you finish working?

@edensparkles sending a photo of the empty tank is not asking nicely. It’s passive aggressive.

You want her to tidy the toys and fill the tank to alleviate your stress and anxiety when you could easily do it yourself if those things bother you so much. You are making her responsible for your feelings and adding to her burden. No wonder she is defensive. I would be too. You sound like a whiny child and she already has two of those to deal with.

OP you sound more and more controlling.

and ironically he also sounds more and more defensive...

I get that, but I tidy after them. And I try to keep on top of the toys otherwise it becomes unmanageable. I finish at 6pm

She had the car last and unthoughtfully knew it was empty and returned it empty.

And I asked nicely first in a non confrontational way. Which is when I got a barrage of defensiveness.

I'm not surprised she got defensive, are you like this all the time?

How so?

How is it any different say for my wife.to ask me not to leave my lunch plate next to the sink but in the sink. Or to leave my socks on the floor in a pile

I suppose I am within my rights to say she is being controlling? Please help me make it make sense since her request is a small one too. After all I've been at work all day dealing with human babies.

The petrol thing is the worst for me.
You see the tank is empty, you just fill it up!

That's it! No argument needed!

You have 2 under 2.

Lower your standards. Survive. Things will get better once the eldest starts nursery.

1 moaning about mess and expect it to be all cleared from when you finish work.

2 Sending her a picture of EMPTY GAUGE in the car.

1. My wife expects the same standards from me though.
2. My wife was gaslighting me saying that it wasn't empty. Did you not read the thread. It wasn't sent out of the blue.

But why does your stress trump hers? You find it ‘incredibly stressful’ to come down and see toys on the floor. She might find it ‘incredibly stressful’ to have to tidy up to a certain time.

Have you ever experienced actual stress or difficultly? You sound very over the top if you think toys on the floor is ‘incredibly stressful.’ Just come down and say ‘I’m here now, shall we tidy up together?’

Why are you leaving socks on the floor? Why is toys on the floor stressing you out to such an extent that they have to be out of your sight by the time you finish worm but your socks on the floor isn't a stressor at all?

Your wife wants you to tidy up after yourself. You want your wife to tidy up after two very young children whist looking after them. It's really not the same thing at all.

Also you are managing to work with babies whilst working remotely? sure you are

Dirty washing left on the floor is you failing to carry out a basic personal responsibility and leaving it for your wife to clear up after you.

Leaving your dirty plate likewise. It's you shifting your responsibility onto her

Tidying up after your children is a shared responsibility that you are trying to make entirely hers. It's your children's mess not hers

Likewise filling up the shared car.

The fact that you, apparently a grown up, need us to explain this to you is worrying and the root cause of your issue.

She is not gaslighting you. Unless you now going to tell us she does other stuff, more drip feed.