My wife is so defensive.

[edensparkles]

Been with my wife for 14 years married for 5. Ever since I've known her she's been defensive, but now we have kids it's become really difficult. There's always excuses/reasons etc. We've both been through a lot and I find I have to be the bigger person and park my emotional and physical needs. I never ever get a yes I accept your opinion.

Even things which seem simple like saying it makes me really stressed when I come downstairs from WFH and the downstairs is really messy are we able to agree that we will tidy away stuff before the other person comes downstairs etc is met with huge backlash.

Another example she will sleep in till really late. She had a rough night dealing with our 2u2 on Xmas day she didn't appear out of bed on boxing day until 3pm. I didn't get much of a mental break and ended up only getting 5 or 6 hours sleep myself. She says I lack compassion and empathy but she makes excuses for example she had a rough night, but then doesn't end up going to bed till 2/3am. And she's always been a night person from before we had kids so her reasoning doesn't have as much impact and I find it hard to take them seriously.

Any ideas/tips/suggestions I want to help and be a supportive husband but it's so difficult.

"My wife complains that I don't clear up after myself"
"I complain that my wife doesn't clear up after our shared children"

One of these things is not like the other.

Your own anxiety is fuelling the need to control others rather than address the real issue - which is your own insecurities about yourself that you feel you have no control over.

Get professional help to address the root cause of your anxiety.

Oh ffs. She wasn’t gaslighting you saying it wasn’t empty. You already said according to it was parked on a slope, so you can’t necessarily read the gauge accurately and it may not have looked empty to her. And if you drove to the shop in it, it wasn’t empty. I’m guessing it was probably in the reserve but according to you that’s empty.

You really are sounding more and more like an entitled, whiny baby.

I said nicely to her with a photo of the empty tank please can you top it up before you bring the car home

has now turned into

And for her to deny that it was empty and be defensive which is why I sent her a photo of said empty tank

So it's gone from you sent her a picture and asked her not to leave it on empty to you asked her not to leave not on empty and then sent the picture.

the same as her simultaneously not getting up until the afternoon and taking the kids off you at 9, not getting up early enough on boxing day but also being ill, toys on the floor causing you anxiety but not your socks on the floor, you having to have a tidy house or you are stressed but you also leave your dirty plates lying around etc etc

The story just shifts continously

Think you need to read up on gaslighting.

How did you drive it to the petrol station to fill up if it was empty?

Mumsnetters on this thread, I love you all. You are somehow managing to explain to this DH why he has got this so wrong without metaphorically yelling or calling him names. You are doing the Lord’s/universe’s work. I’m staying out of it because I don’t have your patience. Except to point out that the OP clearly thinks that because he has a very important job saving human babies whilst wfh his wife should be making sure that the living room is clean and tidy so that he has a place to relax after his long commute down the stairs. Pah.

Oh I am shouting and calling op names to my laptop, but not writing it on here

Doesvyour wife send you photos of your socks on the floor ir your plate by the dink?

So your wife is ill, has two small DCs, often has interrupted sleep and you want the house cleaned for you coming downstairs, and when you got in the car and the fuel was low, you took a photo and sent it to her fgs.
In our house, it's DH who often takes my car and brings it back low in fuel. I might give him a call and say 'it looks low, do you know if there's enough to get to x garage or will I need to go to y garage?' I've never, not once, taken a photo of the fuel gauge.
What on earth was your parents' relationship like that you think 'documenting any lapses with photographic evidence' is the way to support a partner and foster a loving relationship? No wonder your wife is defensive. You're acting like an officious, condescending prick.

How are you dealing with human babies if you WFH?

Help me understand why it's so unreasonable that I can't ask her really nicely to not leave me with what appears to be zero fuel.

It wasn't empty as you were able to drive and refuel so your wife was right and you were wrong. Hope that helps you understand.

OP reminds me of my ex BIL. Delights in being as obnoxious as possible whilst pretending to be oblivious. Here's hoping he's just a gf online and there isn't really a MrsOP having to put up with this.

So does your wife have a job as well? And how old are the two under two? How close have the pregnancies been and how were the first few weeks and months with each child?

You’re not answering basic questions like that - for example of the grandparents are doing childcare three times a week is this because your wife is at work at those times? Or is she having those days where more can be done housework wise? That makes a difference to the overall sense in my view.

As for toys being tidied away for when you come down - sorry but it’s just toys that need picking up, not a full house clean so you could easily do it between you in ten minutes or less. What is she normally doing at that time?

I too am interested in how you're WFH, yet doing a job with human babies?

You clearly don't like her and think she is unreasonable and cannot meet your standards of wifing. So get divorced. You will then both be much happier. Her especially.

Human babies….

Here I have a partner bitching and moaning about how he works from home and cares for opossum babies… they too seem to empty toys everywhere … all very stressful… I’ll be sure to tell up to him as he swans down from his home office that he needs to shut the hell up because there is a MAN who is minding his own HUMAN BABIES while working from home…

Mind you, I too left the gas tank on empty because Opossum babies WILL keep you up all night and I was tired. HOWEVER I left it on empty PROPERLY and my partner didn’t make it to the gas station! It was EMPTY you see because words have meanings… He had to hike up his pants a bit and roll down his socks to show a little ankle to get a ticket to stop and provide a lift to the nearest gas station (petrol for you maybe).

My bad, my post has errors but you get the gist OP… human babies LOL

betting your long gone from this thread after a FEW days of honest feedback… feedback that YOU ASKED FOR. LITERALLY asked for. You’re feeling defensive and tucked tail. Defensive as all get out.

I wonder what it’s like to be a wife having to listen to their inventory being taken day in and out, without even seeking the feedback?

To be sent a photo of dumb shit all passive aggressively by a person who is themselves unable to take feedback? From someone who will feel free to waste time here ignoring reality and who lacks real insight?

SMH. I hope you do leave her and she can make room in her life for a man who values her or at least possesses insight enough to try to see things from her point of view. Ohhh and brings it bed as well! I wish her the world!

So your wife appliance is broken and you have no idea what to do!

I'm not married to you and am finding you to be annoying/

I think you might consider going to marriage counseling. Listen to her side, really listen, and she can listen to your side, and really listen.
it feels like there’s been a disconnect of empathy here.

NEITHER of you has it easy, and the big mistake you’re making is thinking her day is easier. Big mistake: HUGE.

do you want a happy marriage? Do you want your connection to survive 2 under 2? If you do, you’d be wise to work on some empathy and trust that she is doing her very best. Trust her when she says she’s tired, don’t negate the validity of her words and say things like “I’ve done that easily.” This is a marriage, not a damn competition.

if you want a happy, healthy relationship, I suggest counseling. Right now what you have is an adversarial situation, and you’re expecting her to not be defensive when you’re continually nitpicking and on the attack.

a person shouldn’t have to put on armor in order to be ready for the sniper IN THEIR HOME.

OP do you think you maybe resent the fact that you’re finding life with two tiny children different and harder than you thought? You’ve lost connection with your wife. Objectively her life is more physical and more physically demanding than yours. Just because you can manage a few nights and days with your kids doesn’t mean she should be able to. It is exhausting- life shatteringly exhausting- to carry and birth and feed and be primary cater meeting every need for one tiny human let alone two. You do not do this on the daily. Have not done it continuously since being pregnant and in labour with them. Progressively it eats away at you. Pregnancy can also trigger thyroid problems that can lead to fatigue (absolutely compatible with late nights which are your only down time by the way). She may be surviving on caffeine which might also mess up her mornings. You’re not getting support on here although you have needs too because you’re failing to appreciate the complete lack of parity in your situations. You’re looking for the empathy you’re not giving her. I’m sorry but your level of exhaustion is not the same as hers. Not at this stage when children so tiny. I’m only amazed that she’s strong enough to take what she needs (sleep) in an environment where her needs seem to be completely minimised. Sleeping til 3 on Boxing Day isn’t a crime, it’s symptom of exhaustion or impending illness. Your relationship needs a reset.

Wow. Just wow.

It sounds like you need to have couple counselling otherwise your relationship is doomed.

It’s very noticeable that you’ve repeatedly ignored the questions that you’d rather not answer. We can only assume that you’re ignoring those questions as you know you’re being bloody minded and totally unreasonable.

I just don’t get the petrol thing. Is it about money?
Do you want her to pay 50/50 towards the petrol using her own money and not yours?
And I was open mouthed upon reading that you actually took a photo of the petrol gauge!

Again, here’s another question re. whether your Wife also works (pls respond) - does your Wife also hold down another job where she receives a salary, in addition to also being the primary carer to two very children under 2yrs old (very young and very dependent), cleaning and tidying up the house of toys daily before you waltz down stairs after 6pm (so you don’t get even more stressed after having to deal with human babies since 9am??), picking up your dirty socks that you couldn’t be bothered to put in the laundry basket yourself, moving your dirty plates from the side of the sink into the sink (again, bc you couldn’t be bothered), plus all of the other seen and unseen tasks that she undertakes for you, your shared DC and for herself, etc…

Please explain what she’s doing when the GP’s have your two DC?

Does she get any down/alone time other than when she is sleeping?
I guess only when she is up until 2/3am right? Although, knackered!

IMO, 50/50 cannot work unless both parties are earning a similar salary, spending an equal amount of time and effort looking after and raising DC, sharing all household cleaning and household related tasks equally, which also includes carrying them out to the same standard, E.g., cleaning.
50/50 may work for some, but it would be impossible to achieve for us. Partner owns multiple businesses working office hrs, some evenings and part of the weekend. I work school hrs, 4 days pw in a pressured role. Currently WFH with one office day pw. I logged back in and worked for an extra few hrs after the school run yesterday.

I’m unfortunately a Night Owl too. We have 3 DC. Last two DC are 8 & 11 and I still only get ‘me- time’ after DC are in bed, I’ve cleaned up and made sure all prep has been completed for the following day.
I woke up at 1.45pm on Boxing Day. That was due to me crashing out on the sofa after the last of our guests left just before midnight on Christmas Day. I then woke up at 5am and began clearing up before going upstairs to bed at 9am. I also popped out to the shops on Boxing Day.

Can you be more specific in regard to exactly which of your physical needs you believe your ill and knackered Wife of 2 under 2 is not meeting?

Do you like your Wife?
Do you only ever consider your own emotional and physical needs?
Are you empathic re. other people?

PP have been relatively kind to you so far as you haven’t yet had your arse handed to you on a plate. Answer the unanswered questions and then we’ll see really be able to assess who is lazy.