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Original poster

Should I message?

384 replies

AbiVenete · 03/01/2023 10:21

Years ago, while backpacking, I met a man who I instantly clicked with and we had a whirlwind 7 days of the most amazing sex I have ever had. We both had separate flights and we agreed to meet back in UK. He wrote his name and number in a book (this predates mobiles and Facebook) which I then lost.

A few weeks ago, while reading the news online, I instantly recognised his face, name the same… he has just taken a high profile job in my region. I immediately felt that tinge of excitement, looked him up, he’s on LinkedIn but nothing obvious anywhere else so no idea if he’s single or anything.

Am I being ridiculous to think about messaging? He probably a) wont remember me b) is married or unavailable. I am single again and keep drafting messages but unsure exactly what to say. Should I message or just leave it in the past?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/01/2023 11:23

Ok, point taken, @ILoveMyBedTooMuch, but if he's the kind of bloke who so readily offers to meet up and is married he's not likely to be someone OP would want to spend time with anyway

QueefQueen80s · 04/01/2023 11:23

LadySweetPea · 04/01/2023 10:29

I can't believe the posts claiming he wouldn't remember you. Every man will remember 7 days of amazing sex on a backpacking trip.

I'm so pleased to read that you contacted him and are in touch. Looking forward to the next installment!

They're married women hoping their husband would have forgotten/erased from his mind 😆

QueefQueen80s · 04/01/2023 11:26

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 11:09

Yeah, I’d be a bit cautious if I were you OP.
A connection, albeit historic, is already there. It can be a very hard thing to brush off. So you meet, the connection is long dead, you have a nice chat & catch up and all is well.
But if the spark is still there? You meet once and walk away. But then what? You stop thinking about it?
I am a man and I have to say him not mentioning family is a teensy bit 🤔, so I’m presuming he’s attached. Uncomfortable to admit, but I’m happily married and this is what I would do, because going in with the holiday snaps of the wife & kids is a bit of a buzzkill and allowing this question to go unanswered is a bit titillating, even if there is no intention of doing anything. Or maybe I’m just a scumbag.

Not a scumbag, I think most women would do this too and enjoy the fleeting moment before getting into the family stuff.

QueefQueen80s · 04/01/2023 11:27

But yeah if he is attached, leave well alone OP as tempting as it would be.

NeverGonnaNot · 04/01/2023 11:30

Yes I would ask him at this stage, in a friendly but direct way, are you married? Any children?

mrshiddleston69 · 04/01/2023 11:32

Go for it!!!

FluffyFlower · 04/01/2023 11:37

I wouldn't ask if he is married or not at this stage, as it would look like you have an agenda already. What if you don't like him in person when you meet after so many years? What if you don't really have anything in common anymore. It would feel awkward. I would arrange a friendly neutral lunch and take it from then - you can ask in person and it would flow more naturally. If he is married oh well, at least you had a catch-up and no regrets!

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 11:41

QueefQueen80s · 04/01/2023 11:26

Not a scumbag, I think most women would do this too and enjoy the fleeting moment before getting into the family stuff.

Show quote history

No, I’m not really a scumbag, but there is the element of stringing someone along, which is not responsible, and as much as we can pretend it doesn’t bother us, it can take the shine off things.

LaPerduta · 04/01/2023 11:44

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 11:09

Yeah, I’d be a bit cautious if I were you OP.
A connection, albeit historic, is already there. It can be a very hard thing to brush off. So you meet, the connection is long dead, you have a nice chat & catch up and all is well.
But if the spark is still there? You meet once and walk away. But then what? You stop thinking about it?
I am a man and I have to say him not mentioning family is a teensy bit 🤔, so I’m presuming he’s attached. Uncomfortable to admit, but I’m happily married and this is what I would do, because going in with the holiday snaps of the wife & kids is a bit of a buzzkill and allowing this question to go unanswered is a bit titillating, even if there is no intention of doing anything. Or maybe I’m just a scumbag.

Statistically it is likely he's married, but otoh he could be single. Or divorced. No matter how honest he is, he can't mention a wife and children he doesn't have.

VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 11:46

I'm just catching up - I see he was not given your details due to your parents.

Well, fair play to you for messaging and it's nice that he's been polite & friendly in response, but I'd still be very cautious about his relationship status and the appropriateness of meeting with someone you had a sex filled fling with when travelling.

I wouldn't bother getting "invested" if he's not totally single. And I know investment sounds OTT but I do find people can start to invest quite quickly/easily.

VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 11:48

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 11:41

No, I’m not really a scumbag, but there is the element of stringing someone along, which is not responsible, and as much as we can pretend it doesn’t bother us, it can take the shine off things.

Show quote history

I agree that, if he's not single, he should really have dropped that in, before suggesting meeting.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/01/2023 11:50

Well we can safely say he has some nice and hot memories too 😊

be very ready for him to be attached or have some baggage in some way

I hope he doesn’t !!!

but try and ascertain before you fall for him again

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 11:55

VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 11:48

I agree that, if he's not single, he should really have dropped that in, before suggesting meeting.

Show quote history

I agree, and I also think it would be odd if he didn’t specify that he was single, if you see what I mean. Just in some way subtly (hopefully) putting it out there.
But perhaps we are all putting the cart before the horse because this has to be one of the most exciting mn threads in ages!

NawtyShawna · 04/01/2023 11:56

Meet him and update us!!!

Duckingella · 04/01/2023 12:25

A man who's attached wouldn't normally suggest meeting up with a woman he had a week long fling with 20+ years ago unless he's abit dumb/looking to cheat.

As thé the OP has been married and divorced in that time maybe the man in question has too.

Original poster
AbiVenete · 04/01/2023 12:25

We’re meeting Friday after work. Coffee and a catch up.

just to reassure everyone, I have no intention of hopping into bed with him and if he’s married I will let things fade away as I’m definitely not going there.

I might give some thought to what I wear though!

OP posts:
Bepis · 04/01/2023 12:27

AbiVenete · 04/01/2023 12:25

We’re meeting Friday after work. Coffee and a catch up.

just to reassure everyone, I have no intention of hopping into bed with him and if he’s married I will let things fade away as I’m definitely not going there.

I might give some thought to what I wear though!

Exciting 😁. Has he mentioned anything about relationships/family?

newfence · 04/01/2023 12:27

Amazing! 👏👏

Hope you have a fantastic time!

mrsh1807 · 04/01/2023 12:32

AbiVenete · 04/01/2023 12:25

We’re meeting Friday after work. Coffee and a catch up.

just to reassure everyone, I have no intention of hopping into bed with him and if he’s married I will let things fade away as I’m definitely not going there.

I might give some thought to what I wear though!

Oh how exciting! You know he still looks good as you've seen him on the telly....does he know what you look like now? Just imagine, he's also divorced, and you pick up where you left off all those years ago!

Destiny!!

Can't wait to hear how it goes 😍

emptythelitterbox · 04/01/2023 12:39

I can't believe the conversation didn't normally go to... so that's great about your career. Did you end up getting married and having kids?
That would have been 2nd or 3rd message.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 04/01/2023 12:39

emptythelitterbox · 04/01/2023 12:39

I can't believe the conversation didn't normally go to... so that's great about your career. Did you end up getting married and having kids?
That would have been 2nd or 3rd message.

I would think a message like that is a little weird and too forward considering they haven’t spoken in so long

ZaphodDent · 04/01/2023 12:52

I'm sorry, I don't want to sound like a killjoy but this is how affairs start. I'm not saying it's going to, I don't even know if he's married.

But...

You're going to wear something really lovely and look amazing, of course you are. No problem with that, right? Why shouldn't you look fabulous?

Given the back story here, you should know whether he's married before this meet up. You're opening yourself up to the possibility of something, instead of closing something off if it's not right.

Affairs rarely start with evil intentions. They start with tiny bad decisions. The water gets warmer and the frog doesn't notice.

ZaphodDent · 04/01/2023 13:18

ABBAsnumberonefan · 04/01/2023 12:39

I would think a message like that is a little weird and too forward considering they haven’t spoken in so long

Show quote history

I'm a man who has been contacted out of the blue like this before.

A work colleague reached out to me after not seeing her for about 15 years. We never dated but we had some chemistry. She was with someone at the time so nothing happened.

She contacted me and after asking how I was she immediately asked me my relationship status, which I happily told her. She added me as a friend on Facebook. End of story.

I completely respected her for that question. I had no problem with it at all. I understood why she asked and thought nothing less of her.

If instead we'd have started a messaging cycle it would have given me the chance to get interested, to remember the old days, to wonder what she looks like now, to avoid mentioning it to my wife, to fantasise about meeting up, to agree to a coffee etc etc.

Again, I'm not saying the OP is going to do anything wrong, but avoiding these questions just opens up possibilities for problems.

Palmfrond · 04/01/2023 13:21

ZaphodDent · 04/01/2023 12:52

I'm sorry, I don't want to sound like a killjoy but this is how affairs start. I'm not saying it's going to, I don't even know if he's married.

But...

You're going to wear something really lovely and look amazing, of course you are. No problem with that, right? Why shouldn't you look fabulous?

Given the back story here, you should know whether he's married before this meet up. You're opening yourself up to the possibility of something, instead of closing something off if it's not right.

Affairs rarely start with evil intentions. They start with tiny bad decisions. The water gets warmer and the frog doesn't notice.

OP is going to do what she’s goin to do but I think @ZaphodDent has nailed it right there.

VisaGeezer · 04/01/2023 13:22

ZaphodDent · 04/01/2023 13:18

I'm a man who has been contacted out of the blue like this before.

A work colleague reached out to me after not seeing her for about 15 years. We never dated but we had some chemistry. She was with someone at the time so nothing happened.

She contacted me and after asking how I was she immediately asked me my relationship status, which I happily told her. She added me as a friend on Facebook. End of story.

I completely respected her for that question. I had no problem with it at all. I understood why she asked and thought nothing less of her.

If instead we'd have started a messaging cycle it would have given me the chance to get interested, to remember the old days, to wonder what she looks like now, to avoid mentioning it to my wife, to fantasise about meeting up, to agree to a coffee etc etc.

Again, I'm not saying the OP is going to do anything wrong, but avoiding these questions just opens up possibilities for problems.

Show quote history

I agree.

I don't understand the "need" for coyness about his relationship status.

It is a fundamental part of life.

Why does it have to be avoided when everything else can be touched on.

They did not have a platonic relationship. Op is not thinking entirely platonically now so it is very relevant.