If you're thinking of/open to having an affair, please read this (coming from someone who did)

[IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne]

I've seen a lot of posts lately that remind me of me in the early days before I made the worst decision I ever made. I just wanted to say these things in the hope that it stops someone from crossing the line when they're being charmed and chased and feel like they've met someone who makes them feel so happy and alive.

I didn't just fuck up by having an affair. I fucked up for FIVE WHOLE YEARS because I was so consumed by the affair fog and my inability to separate reality from fantasy. I never got caught so I'm saying this without having to deal with the ramifications of that on top. My relationship had become very stale, we had been together from teens to thirties, morphed into flatmate territory, this person engineered themselves into my life, chased me when I wasn't even interested at first and made themselves indispensable. I didn't go looking for it and didn't even realise what was happening until boundaries had already been crossed.

To any of you feeling similar and getting attention from that colleague at work, that old ex boyfriend, a mutual friend etc - run, do not walk, far in the opposite direction before you engage in a phase of fantasy and it consumes your life. Before, inevitably whether after months or years, it eventually comes undone. And when it does your life will feel 50x worse than it did before when you were a little bored and lapping up the attention.

After the fall out of mine, I had to see a therapist because I went from being perfectly stable to unable to focus on my day job, eat, or function day to day. I felt suicidal and couldn't talk to anyone about it because of the shame of what I had done. I felt addicted to a person, much like a hardcore drug addiction, and had to quit cold Turkey when neither of us wanted to. My heart felt blitzed into smithereens and I felt that I had nothing to live for. All this for someone that in the very beginning, I wasn't even attracted to!

Not to mention the guilt towards other people - living a secret double life and trying to justify or downplay it to yourself, neglecting your relationship even further and fully checking out when if you reframed your mind, you could either work through it or leave and be happy in a genuine relationship. Some of the things I did I never would have thought possible of me before, and looking back now that reality has set in I'm horrified at myself. We had sex in my house, my bed I share with my partner. His house, once while his young child was asleep upstairs. My mums house, his mums house, work events. The things you will do once you're in the thick of this are absolutely disgusting and shameful.

Not only that but we had close calls a few times, but we didn't stop. We were too addicted to each other. We just found new ways to stay in touch, became extra secretive (don't ever doubt someone's ability to continue cheating if they really want to, even if you are monitoring their phone - the level of determination and creativity is next level).

I've realised that I definitely have some trauma I needed to work through and most people who engage in this type of thing suffer from self esteem issues, anxiety or general self doubt which make them susceptible to getting involved without realising what a dumb decision it is. Our affair borderlined on obsession, we barely went an hour without contact, we called each other and kept frequently in touch when on long haul holidays, we messaged continually through the work day, we even 'worked from home' together a few times.

What seems at first like harmless flirting, something you can walk away from, little chats to make you feel good about yourself, that's just dipping your toe in before falling into the lake. It's not worth it. It will all be ripped away overnight and you will have become so dependent on this you won't be able to function.

NOTHING good will come of engaging in an affair. If you want to leave your relationship, leave, take some time to learn what you want, and then you can start looking for something healthy and sustainable. An exit affair won't help you. If you want to stay in your relationship, don't play with fire, you may find yourself suddenly getting the ick with your partner or finding them intolerable because you're so wrapped up in your fantasy.

If you want to work through your issues, you need to start talking. Communication shutting down or feeling difficult was the start of where it all went wrong for me. I seem to be seeing so many posts lately of me years ago and I want to warn people of what's to come if they go down this path. So hopefully this helps someone even if nobody responds to this post.

And yes, I am very well aware of what a total asshole I've been. How I've treated my partner, how me and my affair partner have both together manipulated his partner so we could keep things going between us. You will become the absolute worst version of yourself if you do this, and like a drug addict you will do things you never thought you were capable of to ensure you get to keep the addiction going.

I'm happy to answer anyone's questions if it helps to stop people ending up like me. If you feel in a rut at home, start a new hobby, make some new friends, enrich your life in other ways.. it won't be as intense a high, but is a far better option than human Heroin.

Does your name begin with a T ?

OP, you seem to be getting such a slamming for this, with PPs urging you to tell your partner, but I wanted to say I'm with you, why hurt him? You are punished enough for what you did, especially if it has brought you to the brink of suicide.
My point is that, firstly you have put your tread on MN as a warning, a very effective one after reading twice, as you have clearly been badly affected emotionally. I believe you when you say you didn't feel attracted to your affair partner initially, he made all the running and took advantage of you either being at a low ebb, or just plain bored. You sound as if you grabbed at what you thought was happiness, and as you say it was in the realms of fantasy after reality hit, especially with his wife's suspicion.
Don't shoulder the blame for this solely, your affair partner is to blame too, and well done for shunning him, it can't have been easy when you were in each other's lives to such an extent. Just breathe, you are out the other side now, I appreciate your intentions for this post and wish you well in the future.

thread

Unless you know in your heart that you don't want a relationship anymore with your DH and you are choosing to end it, that is the only scenario I think it is ok to not tell him you had an affair. But not telling him if you want to stay with him removes his autonomy and that's not fair IMO.

Thank you for this post. It took massive courage and raw honesty to post this and I admire you for that, along with the self awareness and personal responsibility you eloquently express. I really wish you happiness for the future.

You call gaslighting abuse whilst doing it your partner and your partner in crime's wife.

You make excuses for yourself and self flagellate for your affair for 5 LONG YEARS.

The fact it wasn't sexual for 18 MONTHS kind of makes it worse.

You came here to be made to feel better. The affair partner's wife needs the therapy. You two are disgusting and deserve each other.

@Cavend because it is appalling to deceive her partner in this way. Every day she is lying to her partner by not telling him.

the OP is totally and utterly self absorbed. She wants to work out if she wants to stay married. Well her husband deserves to make a fully informed decision about whether he wants to stay married to her.

and there is no way in the world they can have an honest and authentic marriage when a FIVE YEAR intense affair is kept a secret.

OP - you are lying to and gaslighting your husband.

you’ve said that your affair partner “targeted you” becaue you are some sort of type - by which you appear to be meaning something like vulnerable, naive??? I think - if he targeted you (and trust me he would have been spraying it around everywhere until it stuck) - it was because you are the type of person who would have an affair. Many many many women would have turned him down before he got to you.

i think the problem is op that you are going to have to face and take responsibility for being a deeply flawed person. You are a very very long way from doing that.

your ongoing lying to your husband is immoral.

do you have children?

You are not a victim

Parking aside morals etc.. Why are you still with your partner? There is no intimacy, no true friendship, nothing that shouts love. Is it just guilt or are you seeing something in your relationship that is not obvious from your posts?

I knew the second I read the first post that this thread would be an absolute car crash.
I'm curious as to why the OP posted? I don't think its a cautionary tale/ don't make my mistake post, I think its a 'I'm not sure what I think so what does everyone else think?' kind of post.
I have little time for people who have affairs, both parties are wilfully damaging their own relationships. Whilst the OP has articulated what the affair has done to her she discounts what it has done to others- have you ever been the person who someone has cheated on? Have you seen people who are driven demented because of people like you OP? Go read mumsnet every day of the week there is someone devastated because their husband has had an affair with someone like you- of course its the husbands fault but also yours. The damage that does to relationships, careers, trust, financial wellbeing, self esteem, kids lives going forward is hard to quantify. But yet here we are- hearing about your trauma which you made a CHOICE to partake in. Weird. Not sure how your life will pan out after this but if you started with responsibility and ownership it would be good...

I think you have to tell your husband. It will just eat you up slowly over the years otherwise. He may find out years down the line and the betrayal will be worse the longer it’s kept secret. He deserves to know what type of person he is in a relationship with. Otherwise you are still being a deceitful person.

I was the wife in this situation and I find nothing brave about your post. You say he initiated but you made the choice to engage, you had agency in this and you are downplaying that. For it to have lasted as long as it there must have been real emotion involved and that’s what hurt me the most when I found out about exDH. Why are you in the position of power over your DH? Why do you get to decide if you stay together? He deserves to know the full story no matter how hurtful it is so he can make that decision for himself.

Your relationship with your husband is finished. You owe it to both yourself and to him to tell him what has happened, deal with the fall out, then each decide whether you want to start a new relationship together or call it quits. You could still have half a century of life ahead of you. Live it honestly and fully. Not telling a partner about a quick fling is one thing but you were in a relationship with someone for 5 years - it's absurd to think not discussing that with your spouse is a kindness to anyone.

If the OP was selfish as previous posters have suggested, she would not be going through the trauma she is clearly going through now. A person with no conscience doesn't feel any guilt or responsibility.

Her poor husband, cheated on him for five years then she just decides she will stay on that bus for convenience so she does not have to confront any of her history, poor choices, zero boundaries, lack of insight, no consideration. Poor guy, living with a scheming cheat for years and now more years if she gets away with it. Zero respect from me, I think her behaviour is disgusting.

No sympathy, you knew what you were doing, I feel sorry for your partner who you should be telling ALL of this
Devious, sneaky and very underhand, you would never be trusted again by me or anybody sensible again, in any capacity, even as a friend
Do the right thing and tell him

Not to mention SELFISH and self absorbed
It took 5 years for you to feel guilt?

SHAMEFUL

Uh, she is staying with her husband who she cheated on for five years. If that's not selfish I don't know what is.
I see my friends wife who got cheated on, a shadow of herself, trudging through life.

@Cavend narcissists can get depressed 🤷‍♀️

are you saying that people who are selfish cant also feel traumatized?? How odd.

the op clearly is a deeply damaged individual. She is also clearly self centred and self absorbed

I suspect one of the big reasons she is upset is she hasn’t had her happy ever after.

don’t forget thst the affair partner DIDNT LEAVE HIS WIFE.

i suspect if he had left his wife she would have been thrilled to run off into the sunset with him.

Sorry if you’ve already answered this - but why when you started falling for this guy did you not end your relationship?

What I don’t understand about people having affairs, especially ones that are ongoing or mention the word love etc is why they don’t just separate from their partners and get with that person.

If you are single you can literally do whatever you want, go wherever you want, have sex with ever you want.

One of my ex’s cheated and I broke up with him because I said if you are not happy in this relationship or want to act single, then be single.

I’d rather someone did me the decency and break up with me than lie and sneak around behind my back.

So why did you choose the whole sneaking around, worrying about your partners feelings etc instead of ending your relationship?

Was the sneaking around part of the fun?

My God, you should leave your partner and let him find true happiness with someone else. At the very least, you should do that.

‘…but it sounds to me like you're in pain that it ended, by him. I mean, were you even close to ending it all the times his wife got suspicious? It's all very well coming on here proffering advice but I'd respect that advice more if you'd seen the error of your ways, ended it and told your dh. You did none of that.’

^This.
You’d still be shagging him if he had not asked for things to cool off in September. You said you’d both see how things go for a while, which means that you’re both planning to get back in touch at some point in the future.

You know that your DH would be unlikely to forgive your FIVE YEAR affair and you are now finally realising your possible future reality if he finds out.

I do not believe that you are sorry as you are playing the victim by shifting all of the blame onto the AP and your poor childhood. The only person you need to express your remorse to is your poor DH.

You did intend to break up a family unit as you decided to continue an affair for FIVE YEARS!

The question you need to ask yourself is - Will you tell your DH or leave him, or both?

Many cheats are deeply troubled after their affairs following the aftermath. But until they hit remorse (if they ever do) it is just an extension of affair thinking. Repeated lying dampens the empathic side of your brain it creates

You don't come out of a 5 year affair thinking of others. I think that's clear from a lot of OP posts.

Devious, sneaky and very underhand, you would never be trusted again by me or anybody sensible again, in any capacity, even as a friend

Oh no! Whatever will she do!!