If you're thinking of/open to having an affair, please read this (coming from someone who did)

[IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne]

I've seen a lot of posts lately that remind me of me in the early days before I made the worst decision I ever made. I just wanted to say these things in the hope that it stops someone from crossing the line when they're being charmed and chased and feel like they've met someone who makes them feel so happy and alive.

I didn't just fuck up by having an affair. I fucked up for FIVE WHOLE YEARS because I was so consumed by the affair fog and my inability to separate reality from fantasy. I never got caught so I'm saying this without having to deal with the ramifications of that on top. My relationship had become very stale, we had been together from teens to thirties, morphed into flatmate territory, this person engineered themselves into my life, chased me when I wasn't even interested at first and made themselves indispensable. I didn't go looking for it and didn't even realise what was happening until boundaries had already been crossed.

To any of you feeling similar and getting attention from that colleague at work, that old ex boyfriend, a mutual friend etc - run, do not walk, far in the opposite direction before you engage in a phase of fantasy and it consumes your life. Before, inevitably whether after months or years, it eventually comes undone. And when it does your life will feel 50x worse than it did before when you were a little bored and lapping up the attention.

After the fall out of mine, I had to see a therapist because I went from being perfectly stable to unable to focus on my day job, eat, or function day to day. I felt suicidal and couldn't talk to anyone about it because of the shame of what I had done. I felt addicted to a person, much like a hardcore drug addiction, and had to quit cold Turkey when neither of us wanted to. My heart felt blitzed into smithereens and I felt that I had nothing to live for. All this for someone that in the very beginning, I wasn't even attracted to!

Not to mention the guilt towards other people - living a secret double life and trying to justify or downplay it to yourself, neglecting your relationship even further and fully checking out when if you reframed your mind, you could either work through it or leave and be happy in a genuine relationship. Some of the things I did I never would have thought possible of me before, and looking back now that reality has set in I'm horrified at myself. We had sex in my house, my bed I share with my partner. His house, once while his young child was asleep upstairs. My mums house, his mums house, work events. The things you will do once you're in the thick of this are absolutely disgusting and shameful.

Not only that but we had close calls a few times, but we didn't stop. We were too addicted to each other. We just found new ways to stay in touch, became extra secretive (don't ever doubt someone's ability to continue cheating if they really want to, even if you are monitoring their phone - the level of determination and creativity is next level).

I've realised that I definitely have some trauma I needed to work through and most people who engage in this type of thing suffer from self esteem issues, anxiety or general self doubt which make them susceptible to getting involved without realising what a dumb decision it is. Our affair borderlined on obsession, we barely went an hour without contact, we called each other and kept frequently in touch when on long haul holidays, we messaged continually through the work day, we even 'worked from home' together a few times.

What seems at first like harmless flirting, something you can walk away from, little chats to make you feel good about yourself, that's just dipping your toe in before falling into the lake. It's not worth it. It will all be ripped away overnight and you will have become so dependent on this you won't be able to function.

NOTHING good will come of engaging in an affair. If you want to leave your relationship, leave, take some time to learn what you want, and then you can start looking for something healthy and sustainable. An exit affair won't help you. If you want to stay in your relationship, don't play with fire, you may find yourself suddenly getting the ick with your partner or finding them intolerable because you're so wrapped up in your fantasy.

If you want to work through your issues, you need to start talking. Communication shutting down or feeling difficult was the start of where it all went wrong for me. I seem to be seeing so many posts lately of me years ago and I want to warn people of what's to come if they go down this path. So hopefully this helps someone even if nobody responds to this post.

And yes, I am very well aware of what a total asshole I've been. How I've treated my partner, how me and my affair partner have both together manipulated his partner so we could keep things going between us. You will become the absolute worst version of yourself if you do this, and like a drug addict you will do things you never thought you were capable of to ensure you get to keep the addiction going.

I'm happy to answer anyone's questions if it helps to stop people ending up like me. If you feel in a rut at home, start a new hobby, make some new friends, enrich your life in other ways.. it won't be as intense a high, but is a far better option than human Heroin.

Ops affair partner's marriage and whether he told lies and what he told them about is somewhat irrelevant here.

His wife deserves to know but a million posters will post to say don't tell her so let's put that to the side and focus on the op:s situation.

Before I knew that the "caught once messaging women on old" thing was actually years of being caught repeatedly connecting with other women (and lying to and gas lighting op about it) I thought she should tell him the truth and let the chips fall where they may. That it should be both their decision.

Now, seeing a woman who was vulnerable to an affair after years of the above behaviour, and whose h is extremely unlikely to have changed his mentality or behaviour.... I think she should get out and I'm not even sure if she should get into telling him about her affair.

The open relationship once discussed between them does not really seem the right thing for op, as is the case for the majority of the population.

No i didn't want it to end. Back then. That doesn't mean I wanted him to leave her and be with me though. I felt I had the perfect setup - plodding along in my home routine which was all I'd ever known.. while getting emotional support, intimacy, affection etc from someone at arms length

Ok I get that you wanted it to continue. What I don't get is that he ended this intense five year long passionate affair to stay be a dead bedroom for a marriage beyond fixing...So clearly it was all lies, the marriage was not dead or beyond fixing.

Thank you for all of your comments, they've been really helpful. And I know you are right, but it's really bloody difficult. We are all each other have ever known. Our lives are so intertwined. Friends, family etc. it's a lot. I'm quite emotionally vulnerable at the moment so I haven't really been ready to face it.

I say we have been getting on better than ever but this is still as friends/room mates. We still clash and fall out a lot, we are so distant and disconnected and that was there pre affair and still is there now. I think it is that sunk cost fallacy thing, as well as fear and low self esteem that makes this all very hard to face up to.

It's probably something to make a focus with the therapist now I've made some sense of the affair. I guess I wondered if everyone's long term relationship was this difficult and complicated, but perhaps it isn't.

He called me afterwards and cried down the phone explaining everything. He wanted to put it on pause because he didn't want to no longer see his kids everyday and be a part time parent. He wouldn't get 50/50 because she only works term time. He didn't want to be financially screwed by having to split everything out. He didn't want to leave the home he loves, and cause rifts in their friends and family (very similar situation to me ie. Intertwined friends and families so I do relate to all of it)

It is irrelevant though why he paused or ended it. Because if he comes crawling back I'm not going to be receptive. I'd block his number if I could remember it.

Yes, but we simply don't know.

There are also plenty of sexless or almost sexless marriages.

So the "oh op, you stupid bitch, he was obviously lying, ha ha" posts which always get posted on this topic are neither helpful nor definitely correct.

That's what I'm trying to say. At this point I don't care what he was doing. But I certainly feel a lot more for his wife if he was that good a liar and sleeping with me without any protection for 3 years.

I do think he was telling the truth about it but whether he was or not changes nothing. And isn't the point of my post.

Do you share any kids and how old are you, op?

Maybe you can build up your life outside of him and any shared friends etc. in preparayfor leaving.

Oh and familiarity can soon be established with someone else, I find.

It's just time together.

*in preparation for leaving

Fwiw if you posted about your h's behaviour up to the time of your affair; you would be told he is 100% cheating on you, and that you should get out of the relationship.

I think that is still the case.

Your affair was your response to years of unproven but likely infidelity, deception, gas lighting etc - all of which is abuse. Your h had not met you half way in creating a good relationship, he's done the opposite. He sounds like an entitled, immature, cynical, deceitful, expedient, low integrity individual. Just because you got into a relationship with him really young, does not mean you have to stay in it for life. You only picked him because you were young and had no relationship experience.

Surely your family is aware of some of your unhappiness and his highly dodgy behaviour. You never know how they might really feel about you leaving him.
In any case, people adjust very quickly.

I think the issue you need to address is whether to remain married or not. The affair is something of a red herring. I find it very hard to believe, if the affair was as intense as you say, and for 5 years, that your DH had no idea. He has chosen to bury his head in the sand and not confront you because he is happier with a comfortable shoe marriage than blowing his life up. So you need to decide whether to carry on and suck up the guilt or separate for reasons other than the affair. He may prefer never to know for sure. You can chose whether to subject him to humiliation and grief by telling all and assuaging your own guilt or let him believe the marriage has just run its course and part amicably.

I think it’s extremely naive to classify affairs as either ‘cake and eat it’ or ‘dead bedroom’ affairs. The vast majority of men I would hazard a guess continue to sleep with their wife while having an affair. Even if the sex is shit and sporadic. Why? Because they can. Because it’s easy. Because it keeps their wife off the scent of an affair.

My affair partner had a very dead, unhappy sex life with his wife. I believe that. I believe they rarely had sex and when they did it was crap for both of them. However, she got pregnant during our affair. And I’ve known so many stories of this old dead bedroom trope - it’s always ‘different’ for you when you’re in it, it’s always a case of ‘no, but he really doesn’t sleep with his wife in this case’ - I can now see how naive I was to believe it.

The fact that you don’t see it and that you are responding to posts that are taking over stuff like this, rather than posts telling you some cold, hard facts from people who have been where you are, shows you are still very much living in the delusion and fantasy.

*raking over

OP you say you're "been getting on better than ever" with DH but go on to describe this as:
We still clash and fall out a lot, we are so distant and disconnected and that was there pre affair and still is there now.

When you say
I wondered if everyone's long term relationship was this difficult and complicated, but perhaps it isn't.
No, it isn't. It really isn't.
As @VisaGeezer says, your relationship sounds as though it has always been grim. You've just never known any better, sadly

Re exploring in therapy what to do about your DH, it sounds as though your therapist is making good money out of you that you might be better off putting towards a deposit on a place of your own.

I couldn't give a crap about that, it's so irrelevant! It's over. Whether I was lied to or not means nothing now. It has zero point to my post, I don't want to debate over what was going on over on his side. I want to warn other people to stay the fuck away from this type of thing even if they do say their bedroom is dead.

And there are still two types, either a shitty/non existent sex life or a greedy bastard with a partner none the wiser that there's a problem.

There has just been a lot to pick through since I finally started going - childhood, current state of mind, affair, relationship etc.. we are working through things bit by bit and usually lead by me. So next time I'll focus on my current situation as it definitely needs more focus.

I hope you'll take a look at that Daphne Rose Kingma book! She is absolutely excellent at uncovering all the intensely personal factors that lead us into relationships in the first place, and how to move on with forgiveness of yourself and the others party/parties. Full awareness really helps to guide future choices.

What I mean is, she explores the unconscious things that draw us towards someone, and she says a strong motivation is what she calls "developmental tasks." We all have a vague, unexpressed idea of what we should be doing next in life, and are drawn to the person who promises to move us in that direction. For example, you might have got with DH as a way of putting some distance between you and the family, as a first step towards living as an independent adult. Then you might have realised you were stuck with an abusive man-child, but didn't feel "adult" enough to do anything about it, so were drawn to someone older who gave you the illusion of relating to a proper grown-up.

That sort of thing.

Thank you, that book does sound like it'll be very useful.

I know there are some key questions and helpful posts I've not responded to yet as well, I will do when I get some time.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and honesty from those trying to be supportive and helpful even though I dont deserve it you have no idea how much it means to me to have other perspectives on stuff. And those of you who were less than kind, I completely accept that too. You can't hate me any more than I hate myself and I understand why you've said everything you have said. This situation has made me the worst version of me - I was very selfish, manipulative and clouded and I'm incredibly ashamed of all of it.

Despite what some people think, I am extremely remorseful.. for all the lies I've told, all the people I've hurt, and the effect my actions have had on people. I don't think it's okay, I don't think I'm entitled to things others are not, I don't think my happiness is more important or that I'm better than anyone else. I'm not narcissistic but understand why people might think all people who have affairs are. My issue is probably the other way - I'm not sure of the term but it centres around low self worth, not having enough self respect, thinking I don't deserve to be happy (home life) or clutching at something I did think made me happy even though it was wrong (ex AP)

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year's Eve with your loved ones and can move into 2023 without any shit like this on your conscience. For anyone who has stuff like this on their conscience still, today is a good day to put an end to this and set yourself and everyone else involved free.

Happy new year to you too, OP. Onwards and upwards!

Yes.

That's the work for you @IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne

Use therapy or your own self reflection or ideally both to understand why you did what you did, why you feel what you feel. It's deeper than understanding what happened to you and far more relevant than sessions on working out why your family, partner, affair guy did what they did.

For example. I have low self esteem. My parents, whilst only occasionally actively cruel, did not want me or value me for who I was. At best they valued my achievements for themselves. It does me no good to figure out why but hey, it explains my low self esteem. There are many people with low self esteem who treat others with kindness and compassion and empathy. Why didn't I?

In my first marriage I cultivated women friends and did the whole nice guy thing, getting them to open up about their lives. It temporally improved my self esteem. But here's the kicker. I did this partly behind my wife's back, allowed limmerance to develop (felt by me and in one case felt by the other). The recent work for me has been to be able to understand why I chose that way of unhelpful self esteem boosts. Note the use of the word choice here OP.

I am now, years too late, coming to an understanding of how I was so disconnected from empathy for others, my friends, my wife, my children, that I was able to make such choices in my behaviour. In my case, A belief, that I was unaware of then, that as I was hurt as a child it was ok to hurt others because that's how all people are inside. It's a narc belief and totally invalid but it took me a long time to unearth it.

I am also getting better at recognising patterns of thought, emotion , physical sensations and life stressors that are warning signs of doing that narc shit all over again.

OP I think your relationship needs to end, it isn't helpful or sustaining for you or him. I think you need to spend some time working on what you want and who you are and who you want to be. And crucially what parts of you and how you behave need to change to get there. Otherwise you run the risk of going over the same ground. Maybe not an affair but a relationship like your current one or a life of filling emotional need through the forbidden or danger or 'rule breaking' or acts that slight others. Affair sex in the marital bed OP- a shit ton of hidden meaning behind that.

If it’s such a good day to “set everyone free”, let’s see you set your poor partner free and either break up with him or tell him. At this point breaking up would be less painful than telling him, but you need to do something.

You won’t though.

You’ll drag the delusion, lies and deceit into 2023 and waste another year of his life.

Thank you. I'm very much at the start of my journey working through this, I thought it was clear in my post but perhaps not - affair ended 4 months ago but therapy has only been going on a short while and I've realised so much already, but there's a long way to go here.

In our bed was one time, I'm not making excuses there as no matter how many times it's still wrong, but mostly it was in places outside the homes.

I wanted to post while I still felt fresh about everything because I think that's what people in a similar situation will relate to the most. The turmoil I'm in and the work I've got ahead of me. This was a warning to recognise this behaviour in yourself and change your path if you do - not any kind of 'i'm the expert let me advise you' in a patronising way - that wasn't my intention.

I'm glad this thread has helped a few people in a similar situation though, that was my goal, and I knew I was going to get a lot of shit for this and rightly I should. If I hadn't been on this shitty journey the past 5 years my view on the topic would probably be a lot different too.

BirdyWoof you're clearly a bit behind on the thread, catch up.

What I decide to do next is my decision and my relationship isn't black and white. It's not an excuse but it plays a big part.