If you're thinking of/open to having an affair, please read this (coming from someone who did)

[IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne]

I've seen a lot of posts lately that remind me of me in the early days before I made the worst decision I ever made. I just wanted to say these things in the hope that it stops someone from crossing the line when they're being charmed and chased and feel like they've met someone who makes them feel so happy and alive.

I didn't just fuck up by having an affair. I fucked up for FIVE WHOLE YEARS because I was so consumed by the affair fog and my inability to separate reality from fantasy. I never got caught so I'm saying this without having to deal with the ramifications of that on top. My relationship had become very stale, we had been together from teens to thirties, morphed into flatmate territory, this person engineered themselves into my life, chased me when I wasn't even interested at first and made themselves indispensable. I didn't go looking for it and didn't even realise what was happening until boundaries had already been crossed.

To any of you feeling similar and getting attention from that colleague at work, that old ex boyfriend, a mutual friend etc - run, do not walk, far in the opposite direction before you engage in a phase of fantasy and it consumes your life. Before, inevitably whether after months or years, it eventually comes undone. And when it does your life will feel 50x worse than it did before when you were a little bored and lapping up the attention.

After the fall out of mine, I had to see a therapist because I went from being perfectly stable to unable to focus on my day job, eat, or function day to day. I felt suicidal and couldn't talk to anyone about it because of the shame of what I had done. I felt addicted to a person, much like a hardcore drug addiction, and had to quit cold Turkey when neither of us wanted to. My heart felt blitzed into smithereens and I felt that I had nothing to live for. All this for someone that in the very beginning, I wasn't even attracted to!

Not to mention the guilt towards other people - living a secret double life and trying to justify or downplay it to yourself, neglecting your relationship even further and fully checking out when if you reframed your mind, you could either work through it or leave and be happy in a genuine relationship. Some of the things I did I never would have thought possible of me before, and looking back now that reality has set in I'm horrified at myself. We had sex in my house, my bed I share with my partner. His house, once while his young child was asleep upstairs. My mums house, his mums house, work events. The things you will do once you're in the thick of this are absolutely disgusting and shameful.

Not only that but we had close calls a few times, but we didn't stop. We were too addicted to each other. We just found new ways to stay in touch, became extra secretive (don't ever doubt someone's ability to continue cheating if they really want to, even if you are monitoring their phone - the level of determination and creativity is next level).

I've realised that I definitely have some trauma I needed to work through and most people who engage in this type of thing suffer from self esteem issues, anxiety or general self doubt which make them susceptible to getting involved without realising what a dumb decision it is. Our affair borderlined on obsession, we barely went an hour without contact, we called each other and kept frequently in touch when on long haul holidays, we messaged continually through the work day, we even 'worked from home' together a few times.

What seems at first like harmless flirting, something you can walk away from, little chats to make you feel good about yourself, that's just dipping your toe in before falling into the lake. It's not worth it. It will all be ripped away overnight and you will have become so dependent on this you won't be able to function.

NOTHING good will come of engaging in an affair. If you want to leave your relationship, leave, take some time to learn what you want, and then you can start looking for something healthy and sustainable. An exit affair won't help you. If you want to stay in your relationship, don't play with fire, you may find yourself suddenly getting the ick with your partner or finding them intolerable because you're so wrapped up in your fantasy.

If you want to work through your issues, you need to start talking. Communication shutting down or feeling difficult was the start of where it all went wrong for me. I seem to be seeing so many posts lately of me years ago and I want to warn people of what's to come if they go down this path. So hopefully this helps someone even if nobody responds to this post.

And yes, I am very well aware of what a total asshole I've been. How I've treated my partner, how me and my affair partner have both together manipulated his partner so we could keep things going between us. You will become the absolute worst version of yourself if you do this, and like a drug addict you will do things you never thought you were capable of to ensure you get to keep the addiction going.

I'm happy to answer anyone's questions if it helps to stop people ending up like me. If you feel in a rut at home, start a new hobby, make some new friends, enrich your life in other ways.. it won't be as intense a high, but is a far better option than human Heroin.

Oh sacred Jesus...the deflection, squaring of circles, cognitive dissonance, helplessness etc..
Look, we are all human, sometimes in the course of my job I see really attractive clients, sometimes I get the feeling they are into me, sometimes I'm attracted to women I work with too- himan attraction eh!. Do I get my dick out and live a secret life for five years???? Erm. No. Why? Because I entered a contract in marriage, I love my wife and kids and affairs generally cause horrible sadness. That's most people's experience. Maybe you feel you are a special 'other' woman? I dunno but your moral compass is in no way working....

If I was your DP and I knew about the 5 year affair I would leave. 5 years of lying.

OP I think your issues are more to do with the mental state you were in to get into such a toxic relationship, rather than the fact it was an affair. People get into toxic ‘normal’ relationships too. It’s that you need to work on.

I don’t understand how you feel things are better than ever with your husband when you’ve only been out of your five year other relationship for all of five minutes. You say you’re getting on so well now you’re focused on him but what true learning can you really have done in so short a time? Anyone in a half decade relationship would take longer than three and a bit months to process and see how things settle. So it seems strange to me that you seem to think you can offer ‘wisdom’ from the point of view of ‘I lived and learned’.

You still seem massively psychologically embroiled in the affair and aftermath and it doesn’t sound much like you are really being realistic about things with your husband when it’s been such a short space of time.

You say you only realised the magnitude of FIVE YEARS of this after it ended in the last 12-16 weeks. If that’s the case, how on earth do you think you’re in a position to advise others and be sure you really understand yourself and what you’ve done? I mean - not to sound like a total arsehole but five years of lying and sneaking and this guys wife being so suss didn’t clue you in? It’s kind of a slow learning curve.

FWIW I think you’re in some kind of ‘healing high’ where you think because it’s ended and been a small bit of time you have had a reckoning. I think you’re in for a nasty and bumpy ride processing this for real - you can’t see how obsessed you still are.

You can't win whatever you say, OP, I'm afraid: too many people are enjoying putting the boot in. It's not often someone readily offers themselves up as a scapegoat!

I completely agree with what @Opentooffers said:
If he never sussed a thing over 5 years, then really it shows how little attention he was paying, that's some major head in the sand behaviour ... and he was on questionable websites before any of this. The overall thing here is that you are not right for each other. You are just 2 people who are together because neither of you had the guts to call it quits, because in your own ways you've supported each other all your adult lives.

It's incredibly difficult when you got together as teenagers, because your whole identity is wrapped up in each other. I know you mentioned throwing everything into making this work, but it sounds as though it hasn't worked for many years so trying to force things (out of a sense of guilt? doing penance?) is unlikely to be some kind of magic cure-all fix. And you will forever have to carry the horrible burden of these 5 years, either as a dreadful secret (not fair on him) or a shared pain (not fair on him either).

Life alone can be pretty amazing OP, I think it's time you and your DP tried it.

The other thing I would not fully count on is that your husband was totally oblivious. If you were in such high contact every single day and every holiday etc there’s every chance he chose to look the other way. Denial is a powerful thing, sounds implausible he was blissfully unaware the entire time to me.

To be honest sometimes the affair partners end up very happily together. My husband left for the OW over ten years ago. They still appear very happy together.

I met my DP nine years ago and it still feels amazing.

I sometimes feel bad for my three children (10, 12 and 16) that mummy and daddy don’t live together but they seem okay with it.

True, which is why I think there's not much hope. Technically whilst not nice the first 18 months could be "glossed over" as she hadn't technically crossed the line at that point.

Thank you for starting this thread OP.

Oh dear, still not "making sense of the affair' op ?

What is the real reason you made this post, to keep his memory alive, the pain, the rejection, the pining, it's certainly no warning to help others.

Five years of waiting for this adonis to leave his wife, you gave it your best shot and he still has not picked you, you were no victim in this, you were not manipulated in fact I would even go to say you were the driving force, was he really texting every 5 minutes or was that you ?
I've seen posters who have remorse and you ain't one of them, que you pitting posters against one another about forgiveness just like the thread the other day.

You created this thread because you hate wives, and I doubt whether some of these posters on here are even real, you have problems.
Do you fear your ap ? would you like nothing better than his wife to know the full facts ? I've got a feeling you're on the cusp of losing your composure and going for it.

Don't get angry with us, get angry with him, tell his wife, for five years he has used you like a bin, only to disgard you unemotionally, without care, he's not even tried to get in touch, did he ever care, did he ever love you ?

How dare he do this to you, you're not some stupid niave wife being fed shit, you know the score and YOU deserve more than this shit, to be left high and dry with your boring husband. Why not tell the truth we'd have more respect if you did, you see all us 'stupid' wives arn't all that stupid and maybe his isn't, she obviously was more interesting than you thought for him to dump you.

The fact is the longer you leave it the more likely this sheep of a man will fall back in love with his wife, their sex lives re ignited, their intimacy and shared bonds growing stronger as you try to overcome your yearnings.
He doesn't wan't his wife to know, that means he doesn't want to lose her but he's ok losing you.

You are still trying to manipulate all those around you and I'm sure if you are in therapy (which I doubt) your therapist will have already realised what you are.

You will never tell your husband, you have no concience, but I do fear for this poor man's wife as I think you are quite dangerous and not in control of your actions.

I guess every affair situation is different.
I can see from being in a really unhappy relationship how that could happen.
I chose me when I was vulnerable and unhappy. It wasn’t easy but I wanted to make sure I was leaving for me. Not for a person that showed me attention. Innocently or not who knows. Some people have affairs and stay together. Marriage can become mundane. My marriage ended there was emotional abuse. But if I rewind back far enough I wasn’t true to myself and what I wanted. That’s what I should have done when I was young. I have learnt from it.

@IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne
You say:
If you want to work through your issues, you need to start talking. Communication shutting down or feeling difficult was the start of where it all went wrong for me.

OK, but how? When? Communication with whom? You know very well that when a (younger) woman starts an affair with an (older) man, the last thing on her mind is to search for issues in her past, like a shrink would advise her, or to search for such a shrink.
Your therapist perhaps tells you about the importance of working through issues, and it's correct that journaling and unearthing painful or shameful things about your past are crucial. I discovered this myself, when I was a woman in her 30s, like you, in an almost similar situation. But this isn't the whole picture. The most important thing that you have to make peace with is the biological mechanism of such affairs. You didn't end up having this relationship because both of you like Chopin. All that you describe - the unusual obsession, the moral blindness, the creative lies, the lack of inhibition - can only happen in the context of a strong sexual attraction. Everything else derives from this sexual attraction, not the other way round. As long as you are still young (and you will be young for another 15 years), there will be this biological vulnerability, the almost comical way nature tries to use you and a lot of potential partners, to lure you into having sex and making babies. The earlier you recognise it, the earlier you can gain control over your own life and protect yourself from any such relationships that have no future. Many girls and young women aren't taught to acknowledge their own sexuality like this, and usually that's why they find themselves ”under the spell”, like you say, of men like your AP - and then they ”wake up” humiliated, alienated and even more vulnerable.
Good luck, OP, and hugs 🌸

I did. That's why I said you must hate him. No other reason for treating him like you do.

Can I put this thread simply.
They have both been cheating on their spouses for five years
He has decided it's boring now and doesn't want the aggro and ended it
OP has got all upset at Christmas and wants validation.
OP writes a post on Munsnet seeking validation.
They are both vile, narcissistic crap and we shouldn't respond.

You're still being extraordinarily manipulative here.

You're safeguarding the 'marriage' you have and the home you live in and your reputation among friends and family.

You're refusing to let the wife know she was right to suspect her husband because you're afraid she could ruin your life if she were to tell your husband before you had a chance to talk to him, and also because you don't want to see or hear the anger and the pain of the woman who was lied to and betrayed, or consider your part in the agony she's going through now. You're coating your decision to leave her dangling with self-serving platitudes, unsurprisingly.

You are completely invested in whitewashing the last five years and dealing with the present with your fingers in your ears and blinkers over your eyes, singing 'lalalala-nobody-else-matters' because you don't want to face the pain you caused to other people, the grenade you threw into other people's lives.

In your posts you take very little responsibility for your actions. I find that hard to take.

I think OP is sincere in wanting her story to be a warning to others, but as a few other posters have suggested she has, in my view also, unintentionally made it look exciting: going from a boring, stale relationship to an addiction (“human heroin”), the thrill of sneaking around and not getting caught (having sex everywhere, so it must have been good), and then ending up with your relationship intact. It reads like a steamy love affair. Morally it’s obviously wrong as OP has acknowledged, but you don’t do something for five years unless you are getting constant highs from it. Feeling crap afterwards and needing therapy doesn’t sound like that much of a deterrent.

Your post helped me. I've been dating for 2 years, he was rotten to me recently. I didn't end it with him but I thought about it.

Tonight we had a chat and made up, we're all back on track.

Over the last few days I went on tinder, matched with someone, we've been chatting.

After my chat with my partner tonight, I still continued with the messaging to the tinder contact. I just thought it was perking me up, keeping my options open etc

I haven't had an affair before and wasn't thinking about one now but your warning made me see that I could fall into a similar trap if I'm not careful. I've deleted tinder now.

Thanks 🙏

Hello. Well said.
I haven’t read all the replies (because I got a glimpse of the direction they headed, and I don’t want to read the bullying, tbh.)

thank you for posting. It’s never as cut and dried as people seem to think.

and yes, the “drug” is insane, and you’ve put it very well here. I think the only people who may be able to understand are people who have been through this, and / or people who need to read this and STOP playing with something so dangerous.

I was an affair partner, many years ago. I was not married - he was; he was also my religious leader, an authority figure in my life. Many many years and much therapy later, I have learned a lot about why that happened. I despise people who prey on someone by offering help, and then slowly, so slowly, make themselves the sole person a vulnerable person can rely on.

it’s despicable, and whether you know it or not, you were vulnerable.

and just to hell with that predator.

I can’t be bothered to read people’s vitriol toward you: I am fairly certain you have been through enough.

At some point, you’ll realize you don’t deserve any more “punishment,” and I hope that day comes soon for you.

wishing you healing. I think (and hope) your words here will help others avoid a deep trauma in their lives.

I think your post is helpful OP. We all meet moments of temptation, but in some circles it's more socially acceptable to give in to it. Recently a married friend was encouraging me to stay in touch with an attractive man who I believe to be partnered, on the off-chance he is 'separated'. This blurriness on her part might well explain why she is on her third marriage, and I am long-term single. I prefer to stay away and not invite turmoil and chaos in. Thanks for reminding us of consequences.

I think you like the sound of your own voice OP

Tell your poor partner the truth stop trying to justify to yourself why not to do the decent thing and tell him

Seriously never heard a load of poor excuses. He pursued me even though I wasn't interested, it was like a drug. You could have said no. You're a lying cheat, who hasn't even got the decency to tell the poor sod you're married to so he can make his own mind up.

You make a post about it but where is your contrition? You haven't lost anything because you can't even tell the man you're married to the truth. Instead you're trying to justify your affair by patronisingly saying learn from me. Once can be seen as a mistake but 5 fucking years is not a mistake.

I get you. I also had an affair. Mine was different to yours but it still was an affair. I am still recovering and it's painful. I absolutely get the addiction part, the wanted to be with the affair partner. However I believe that most affairs are love stories, people meet and instantly have a connection. If I wasn't married, I would date AP. We just met at the wrong time. The deceive and lying is terrible and I would never ever do it again.
The aftermath of an affair is horrendous, for all invovled. I was one of those people who said an affair would never happen to me! I was so wrong. I am a decent human being but the affair has damaged me. It takes a lot to recover and find yourself again. Forgive yourself, and work out what you want from life. Do you want to stay in the marriage? It might be that you, later on, realise your marriage is done anyway. 5 years is a long time to have an affair for. I can imagine how hard it must be now for you not having AP in your life. I am living it myself and the only way to recovery is being true to yourself and your family. I am not telling you to tell your husband. That's your call but you will never be able to move on unless he knows and can make an informed decision about your marriage.

Good luck OP, you will need it. I feel your pain but I also feel the pain of all the other people invovled.

Stay strong, focus on yourself and continue with therapy.

Do you have very low self esteem? An addictive personality? Are you having counselling now?

Because I have zero tolerance for cheating. I find it insulting. To my intelligence. Not cheating should be your default. It should come easily if you have good morals.

This post is very me, me, me and not likely to act as a deterrent as after all one might conclude the highs were worth the withdrawal. And no one found out.
The post by (I think) @Notsuchaniceguy was a much more effective deterrent. What would put me off if tempted would be the thought of lying to my DH, and what would happen if found out. The impact on my children makes my blood run cold. And my DH. And my reputation.