If you're thinking of/open to having an affair, please read this (coming from someone who did)

[IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne]

I've seen a lot of posts lately that remind me of me in the early days before I made the worst decision I ever made. I just wanted to say these things in the hope that it stops someone from crossing the line when they're being charmed and chased and feel like they've met someone who makes them feel so happy and alive.

I didn't just fuck up by having an affair. I fucked up for FIVE WHOLE YEARS because I was so consumed by the affair fog and my inability to separate reality from fantasy. I never got caught so I'm saying this without having to deal with the ramifications of that on top. My relationship had become very stale, we had been together from teens to thirties, morphed into flatmate territory, this person engineered themselves into my life, chased me when I wasn't even interested at first and made themselves indispensable. I didn't go looking for it and didn't even realise what was happening until boundaries had already been crossed.

To any of you feeling similar and getting attention from that colleague at work, that old ex boyfriend, a mutual friend etc - run, do not walk, far in the opposite direction before you engage in a phase of fantasy and it consumes your life. Before, inevitably whether after months or years, it eventually comes undone. And when it does your life will feel 50x worse than it did before when you were a little bored and lapping up the attention.

After the fall out of mine, I had to see a therapist because I went from being perfectly stable to unable to focus on my day job, eat, or function day to day. I felt suicidal and couldn't talk to anyone about it because of the shame of what I had done. I felt addicted to a person, much like a hardcore drug addiction, and had to quit cold Turkey when neither of us wanted to. My heart felt blitzed into smithereens and I felt that I had nothing to live for. All this for someone that in the very beginning, I wasn't even attracted to!

Not to mention the guilt towards other people - living a secret double life and trying to justify or downplay it to yourself, neglecting your relationship even further and fully checking out when if you reframed your mind, you could either work through it or leave and be happy in a genuine relationship. Some of the things I did I never would have thought possible of me before, and looking back now that reality has set in I'm horrified at myself. We had sex in my house, my bed I share with my partner. His house, once while his young child was asleep upstairs. My mums house, his mums house, work events. The things you will do once you're in the thick of this are absolutely disgusting and shameful.

Not only that but we had close calls a few times, but we didn't stop. We were too addicted to each other. We just found new ways to stay in touch, became extra secretive (don't ever doubt someone's ability to continue cheating if they really want to, even if you are monitoring their phone - the level of determination and creativity is next level).

I've realised that I definitely have some trauma I needed to work through and most people who engage in this type of thing suffer from self esteem issues, anxiety or general self doubt which make them susceptible to getting involved without realising what a dumb decision it is. Our affair borderlined on obsession, we barely went an hour without contact, we called each other and kept frequently in touch when on long haul holidays, we messaged continually through the work day, we even 'worked from home' together a few times.

What seems at first like harmless flirting, something you can walk away from, little chats to make you feel good about yourself, that's just dipping your toe in before falling into the lake. It's not worth it. It will all be ripped away overnight and you will have become so dependent on this you won't be able to function.

NOTHING good will come of engaging in an affair. If you want to leave your relationship, leave, take some time to learn what you want, and then you can start looking for something healthy and sustainable. An exit affair won't help you. If you want to stay in your relationship, don't play with fire, you may find yourself suddenly getting the ick with your partner or finding them intolerable because you're so wrapped up in your fantasy.

If you want to work through your issues, you need to start talking. Communication shutting down or feeling difficult was the start of where it all went wrong for me. I seem to be seeing so many posts lately of me years ago and I want to warn people of what's to come if they go down this path. So hopefully this helps someone even if nobody responds to this post.

And yes, I am very well aware of what a total asshole I've been. How I've treated my partner, how me and my affair partner have both together manipulated his partner so we could keep things going between us. You will become the absolute worst version of yourself if you do this, and like a drug addict you will do things you never thought you were capable of to ensure you get to keep the addiction going.

I'm happy to answer anyone's questions if it helps to stop people ending up like me. If you feel in a rut at home, start a new hobby, make some new friends, enrich your life in other ways.. it won't be as intense a high, but is a far better option than human Heroin.

You haven't learned anything though have you. You are still being dishonest with your partner. It isn't your choice to decide whether he/she would or wouldn't want to know. You're still cheating them and as such, your post is just more excuses for being a cheat. How would anyone learn from this except how to cheat for 5 years and get away with?

I asked for an open relationship once and he basically said if that would make me happy.

Then why are you self flagellating about this affair?

Did you later say you wouldn't have one?

It's been FOUR months. And he didn't dump me actually, he asked to take a break. But I have ended this myself irrelevant of what happens next. Read the full thread, it happened on the 1st of September.

Nothing more was said on the topic. It was left just like that.

It's often not the case though. I have seen so many men have affairs over the years (I'm old, lol), all my friends have been cheated on, as have I. In every single case, the men were getting plenty of sex at home. Also, not one of those men wanted to leave his wife. Many of us left them though when we found out. One of my friends said she would try to forgive, and her DH chose her like a shot. They are still together 24 years later. She's the only one who forgave. The rest of us all moved on.

How the hell did you get to the stage of having unprotected sex with him @IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne ? That's beyond bad. Was it unprotected right from the start ? Did you develop any STD's during those five years ?

Oh OP do you also think that your dh wasn’t sleeping with other people?

of course he was

just like of course your ap was sleeping with his wife. And quite probably other people in 5 years.

you really really need to leave your dh and start right from scratch

Your last sentence is fair. I definitely don't want to help anyone with that. I only got away with it because of my home situation, so I don't think this would fly with anyone else. The level of contact wasn't subtle and anyone in a semi okay relationship would pick it up in a heartbeat.

Getting away with it is not my point, my point is just don't do it. There is no positive outcome. Caught or not, it will destroy your life and other peoples lives. You will go to really dark places. Your AP and partners will also go to dark places. The impact is like a bomb and effects everyone in the path. I haven't just walked out of this happy days because my home life didn't blow up, I wanted to end my life in spite of that, so you don't have this feeling of ahhh happy days got away with that one! And the chances of getting away with it like I say are very very unlikely.. he knew something was up.

You can't believe that Op's partner has been celibate for the past 5 years! He's been getting his sex elsewhere as well. Let's at least get real.

If he asked to 'take a break' @IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne I really think that his wife needs to know. He is putting her health at risk by having unprotected sex with other people.

Good for him! This pair are better off apart.

OP the affair is a symptom not a cause. Your life was already massively fucked up. And is still massively fucked up.

No, we were tested before and I did it more recently. And it's because I didn't sleep with my partner once and neither did he to my knowledge.

There are two types of affairs, 'dead bedrooms' and then the classic greedy cake eating type. Search dead bedrooms on Reddit and you'll see how very common this is.

He won't be sleeping with me again.

Lots of couples don't have sex after a long term relationship, I don't get why everyone thinks this is impossible. Probably because you're all in stable relationships and therefore are still intimate.

*Yes this was before I got involved. And on several occasions across several years. I know it's not an excuse but like you say it played a part in my decisions.

He lied to me, gaslit me.. travelled for work and was downloading tinder and hook up apps that are location based while he was away... he didn't want anyone to know about it, hated the idea of me telling friends/family.. he cares more about what others think of him/us than anyone else. I think that's a big part of why we are still together. Despite what you think, I think a previous post hit it on the head in that neither of us will go anywhere unless we have a strong reason to. Right now at least. But I want to keep moving on with the therapy to work out what I actually want and then will decide if I share with him.

But yes, he did things for years and didn't share anything with me. Even when caught denied things and pretended he had been hacked, blamed a work colleague etc.*

Op, I have my doubts he only messaged other women. You possibly had/have some doubts too.

So, having clarified (and I for one don't see it as making excuses for your affair, I see this as very relevant) .... It is clear that you had this affair after years (?) of incidents of attempted infidelity, apparent infidelity (but never proven?) on the part of your h.

So he's, at best, a long-term, repeated attempted cheater.... And probably, by the law of averages, an actual cheater.
He was happy/it suits him to stay in his longterm, together since teens, comfortable, familiar, established relationship but he felt entitled to cheat on you.

This is very relevent to your behaviour and, above all, to your decisions going forward.

Completely agree with you. Affairs are always a symptom

Were you tested before you agreed to ditch the condoms @IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne ? What if he was having sex with his wife though? That would have been unprotected. What if she had had an undisclosed condition and he passed it to you?
Oh what a mess OP, how could you have been so stupid?

Yes that's exactly the situation.

Yes we were. He often went home very late covered in my perfume etc and she never picked up on it as they never got close.

I know many men can and do lie about this. And he may have lied to me about things but I don't think this was one of them. I don't think he would have risked everything he did if he got connection, intimacy and affection at home. I don't care anymore what the reality was but from the five years we were close I don't think he just wanted to stick his dick in as many places as possible.

I think you were very vulnerable to an affair - not for the sex etc - but for the feeling of being wanted/desired etc - because your h was regularly showing you that he wanted other women (alongside you).

The behaviour including the lying and had lighting was abuse.

So youve been abused in your marriage for quite a while.

It is that that would make me say you should get out.

I revise my opinion that if your h knew the full details of your affair he would definitely leave - if staying in the status quo while having his own opportunities to cheat (which he now has more justification for than ever before) is what he wants, maybe he'll stay.

The only thing approaching honesty you have apparently had was that he said he would be ok with an open relationship.

But ultimately, if you don't truly want an open relationship and actually just want a settled monogamous relationship, then that I'd not the solution.

@IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne you're looking at this dead bedroom thing in too much black and white. In LTRs (I am in one) the sex life ebbs and flows. In the past we've done crazy things nobody would think we would do, we've been through several years of very low libido (mine), we've returned to a committed loving relationship.
You simply cannot rely on a man saying that it's a dead bedroom. What does he mean by this? That day, that week, that year? When it isn't a dead bedroom any longer, does he then reveal this? There are so many variables. You sound like you've been incredibly unaware and are still buying into the script.

*Believe it or not, there are other reasons you'd want to keep your relationship together. I too don't have a sexual relationship with my partner but would have done the same thing, as do most people in this situation.

Children, pets, housing, finances, lifestyle, comfort, sunk costs fallacy, lack of self esteem, fear, friendships, family, work.. there are so many reasons above sex that you'd choose to stay with someone.

And you're missing the point as you seem to think I wanted him to pick me. I didn't*

I am only going by your own posts though. You said he said his marriage was beyond fixing and that when he paused your relationship you were suicidal and felt your heart smashed to smithereens. That reads like someone who didn't want it to end, who believed his lies that there was nothing worth saving in his marriage.

FWIW, I would never thank a spouse who'd cheated on me for five years for staying for the house or the kids.

Just a point about the perfume thing, @IfYouTakeOnePieceOfAdviceTakeThisOne

When a wife isn't looking for 'evidence' of cheating, because her reality is that she's in a committed marriage with a husband who doesn't cheat, things like him smelling of perfume genuinely aren't red flags.

My DH has come home smelling of perfume after (so he said) having been to see our massage therapist, for instance. He hadn't told me he had booked an appointment, but a plausible explanation. For all I know, he might have seen another woman, but because I wasn't looking for that explanation at all, other explanations fit the problem.

Therefore, it might not be because she's not getting close enough to him to smell it IYSWIM?

No i didn't want it to end. Back then. That doesn't mean I wanted him to leave her and be with me though. I felt I had the perfect setup - plodding along in my home routine which was all I'd ever known.. while getting emotional support, intimacy, affection etc from someone at arms length.

Yeah I get that but this has been during her having suspicion on and off for years now. I won't go into detail but we have done stuff on video chat late at night before both going go bed etc.. there are so many reasons. And it's not relevant now whether they were or weren't as the point of my post is not to get involved with someone even if they aren't sleeping with their partner anymore.