I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

Thank you @Todayisontheup - I will do all of those things. I feel so relieved to finally be going. I am trying to fill up my time to minimise alone time. I do feel like he’s going to try and take the piss financially so I’m prepared for it.

Excellent advice from @Todayisontheup.

Preparing for the worst behaviour from him and hoping for the best.

Excellent idea to email copies of the metre readings AND telling him you have, on advice, taken a long detailed recording of the state of the property as you have left it.

No need to say anymore.

But that should put him on his guard as he knows you will not be messed around.

Also state in the email what costs you will pay for between vacating the property and its eventual sale.

Hopefully things will not turn sour and difficult.

By having a clear paper trail of all you have agreed, it will make any attempts by him to mess you about more difficult.

Treat this as the ending of a business arrangement.

Anything goes wrong and you need to use a solicitor, they will applaud any and all paperwork you have to prove what was agreed before you left.

It makes their job so much easier.

Also if he has agreed to do x,y,z, confirm it by email.

Should he balk at the paper trail, you again state for your wish for a dignified break up with zero conflict as to who is responsible for what costs.

Can you remove your name from all utility and council bills?

If so do it and inform him.

Make sure you do have a good solicitor that you can appoint to act on your behalf.

Nearly there. Keep talking openly to friends.

Thank you @billy1966

I am mentally preparing myself for the worst. I just need to get through the next two weeks. He wants to have a conversation about finances and what I will be paying for. I’ve already made that clear but he still wants to talk which makes me think he’s going to try it on and make me pay for more than I should be. I’ll hold my ground and there are some things I’m willing to compromise on just to make things easier for now. I need to come up with a plan for how to end things. I don’t know if it makes sense to do it after I have gone or in between the movers coming and me leaving. If I were to do it in between then I do have somewhere else I can stay and at least all of my stuff will have gone.

Honestly, forget about him and focus 100% on getting out of that house with your stuff safely.

THAT is all that matters.

Agree to think about stuff, you'll get back to him ....WHATEVER IT TAKES.

Then when your stuff is gone and your bags are packed, THEN, hit him with the emails of meter readings, video of the property and what you are actually prepared to pay for.

You owe this nasty prick, NOTHING.

Keep reminding yourself of that.

Be vague, as passive and non commital as suits you to get out safely.

In the email, you can also tell him it is OVER.

You can mention his emotional, financial and coercive sexual abuse of you as the reason you have left him.

You can tell him that all you cared about was getting away from him and his abuse of you, safely.

You can also tell him, that if he attempts to harrass or threaten you, you are absolutely prepared to make a statement to the police of his abuse of you.

That you have informed your family and friends over recent times of his abuse of you, and they fully support you.

But do whatever you have to do, say whatever, to get away safely.

You owe him nothing.

@LadyB156 Your head must be spinning! Don't worry, you have people on here rooting for you! @billy1966 your friends are lucky to have you in their corner!

I am an ex- financial adviser, and would recommend as @billy1966 advised you don't owe him anything. I would avoid face to face discussions, and put everything in an email. If you do feel forced into a conversation, email a summary of the conversation afterwards. Either way works.

I would also write to all of the utility companies telling them that you are moving.

The most important if you have not already done so - I would advise you (not giving you financial advice) to write to your mortgage company advising them of the situation and giving them a forwarding address. You could give them your parents address. This is for protection. If you have a mortgage, they are likely to be holding the deeds to the property and this will give you a potential layer of protection.

Also, if he stopped paying for the mortgage, you will now be notified as they will also write to you (due to Joint and Several liability) to pursue any arrears. I had a client who did not follow my advice, and found out that the shared home was going to be reposted when she rang the lender to get some info that I had requested!

Keep counting us down, and I am sure @billy1966 and certainly myself will remind you some of the things we have recommended.

Hi @LadyB156 Please two further links. I would recommend you look to protect your share of the property, as it could take months to sell.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/contact-hm-land-registry
https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/protecting-your-home-ownership-rights-during-separation

Thank you @Todayisontheup and @billy1966 our house is jointly owned as tenants in common and there are no paper deeds, I have copies from registration. There is a restriction on our title that prevents any sale without both of us consenting to it, which is normal with tenancy in common. I don’t think he would refuse to pay for his share of the mortgage because he wouldn’t want to balls up his payout at the end, he is shrewd enough for that. It also gets paid by DD from our joint account so I will know pretty quickly if anything happens. All our bills are paid from that account and we have a set amount we both put in. That will obviously change with me going. It’s more that he seems to want me to, in effect, subsidise his lifestyle over here by covering some of the other bills but I don’t see why I should. He will earn more than double my salary so I don’t really see why I should just because my relocation package includes accommodation. We will have to have a conversation about it at some point over the weekend. I know I don’t owe him anything but I do want to try and be the bigger person.

@LadyB156 That's great news! I would not be paying towards the bills once you move out, and he cannot hold you to that. I would be mindful of keeping a joint account once you move out.

Keep focussed, you don't have long to go.

Don't know if anyone else has mentioned it but contact all the utilities etc and have your name removed from the account, just in case he becomes spiteful and refuses to pay them as they will come after you for payment.

@Todayisontheup excellent morgage advice.

Would it be worth checking out the option of a morgage holiday until the house is sold?

Please do not be the bigger person to someone who has financially abused you.

You need your rightful share.

Giving him money that is rightfully yours is just him abusing you more.

You owe this awful man nothing.

@LadyB156 , sorry but STUFF being the bigger person to someone so abusive and manipulative. That’s like paying him to abuse you - NO!

Ask the lawyer what your minimum legal obligations are and pay that - nothing more.

I think my last post has been misinterpreted given the way I wrote it. To clarify, I don’t intend to pay any bills that I have no obligation for. When I said be the bigger person, I meant to not be drawn in to petty squabbles. I don’t plan to let him financially screw me over at all. I can comfortably afford my half of the mortgage so will continue to pay that. It doesn’t make financial sense to take a mortgage holiday, it will only end up more expensive.

I am feeling emotionally wrung out this evening and really trying to ignore anything taxing at this point. I’ve not long to go and think I feel so tired as I’ve just wrapped up my current job. I’ve a bit of time now to get packed to leave. And then actually leave.

As my friend recently said to me, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, the most important person in all of this is you and how you feel. I keep trying to remind myself of that. He’s been on best behaviour, when I told him I wasn’t going to be subsidising his lifestyle here he massively backtracked. He’s pushing for me to agree things like travel and what the future might look like but I don’t want to. I’ve said to him that I want to see how things are while we are apart and I don’t know if I can forgive him for the way he treated me. I don’t see that agreeing anything for the future aligns with that.

I have a fun filled weekend planned to see girlfriends. I have things scheduled nearly every day too including therapy. I’ve found that really helpful so far although it is early stages.

I don’t really know what the purpose is for this update. I’m still here, still plodding along. It’s not easy. One parent clearly thinks that I should just crack on with my life while the other thinks I should give him a chance and I am not going to make a thing of it now, but it’s something I am going to raise with my therapist. It really bothers me, to the point I find it upsetting because instead of letting me be, it feels a lot like they are telling me what to do and I am not a child and I am capable of making my own decisions. I also know my own feelings.

You're nearly there lovely, only a few days to go. And your friend sounds very wise, I had a similar friend when I was going through my break up, and she said the same to me. At the end of all this the person you are most responsible to is you. If you can look yourself in the mirror and be comfortable that the choices you have made are the best ones for you, your life and your well being, then that is all that matters. No one else's opinion on this counts as much as yours does.

You will get there. And after you have moved, and you have space, you can take the time to make the decisions you need to.

Take your time, get settled, see how you go.
You get to decide how you live your life and who you want in it.

Your parents don’t know what it’s like living your life so it’s easy for them to give “wrong” advice. It might even not be coming from a bad place, but obviously you need the emotional strength to take no notice of it.

Good luck for the next few days.

I think you are playing an absolute blinder with him.

Well done you.

You should be very very proud of yourself.👏👏👏

He completely under estimated you and that will be his loss.

Take his good behaviour🙄 and get the hell out of there.

It is very disappointing that your parent doesn't get it, but this is on them.

The most important thing is that you know you are making the best possible decisions for your life.

You have learned and grown from this experience and the therapy will stand you in great stead into the future.

Talk about your parents in therapy.

Encouraging your child to remain in an highly abusive relationship when they are not married and childless, is really messed up in my view, and unbelievable.

Parents are fallible and yours are dangerously so.

I would strongly advise you to cease confiding in them about this.

"I am happy with my choices" should be your answer to any comments.

It is very normal at your age to pull away from your parents and make your own decisions.

Of course it is fabulous to have parents to confide in when you know they 100% have your back, but your parents have added to your stress and anxiety over these decisions, which means they have done more harm than good.

You have an excellent head on your shoulders, you have superb taste in friends, and you have had the supreme sense to reach out on a forum like MN to bounce ideas off, while listening to your gut and being open to the advice given.

I think you are a fantastic young woman who will come out the other side of this much stronger, knowing yourself better, living in another country, forging your best life and career.

When you have taken time with therapy to learn the lessons that need learning from this, you will know yourself much, much better.

Doing the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and reading up on The shark Cage analogy.

Buying books like The gift of Fear by deBecker, and "Women who love too much", will put you in the best position possible to grow your boundaries, cement your assertiveness, readying you to meet a new partner, in your time and on your terms, if and when you want to.

You have the most wonderful exciting future to look forward to.

Enjoy your last few days with your friends and keep in touch.

I'm certainly thinking of you and willing you through these last few days.
💪👍

Thank you @katmarie @Weenurse @Schnooze and @billy1966

I do feel a bit bad about being a deceitful but I talked to my friends about it yesterday and they agreed with me that he won’t accept anything else from me so what else am I to do. They also said that irrespective of the abuse, at least I can walk away with peace of mind as I know I’ve done everything / won’t walk away thinking what if.

My therapist said a few weeks ago that him forcing me to make a decision over whether or not I wanted to do long distance is a sign of control and I’ve noticed it again with him pushing me to plan for the future. I’m going to raise it in my next session. I’m finding her incredibly helpful and so am glad I persevered with finding someone I could have some face to face sessions with before shifting to video sessions.

The thing with my parents I find tough, because they’ve always been there and I know it comes from a place of wanting to help. I have found myself pulling away from the parent who thinks that this is all fixable. It will probably eventually come to a head and I’ll have to stand my ground. I am going to need them to lend me some money when I go so it also might be best not to get into it all before hand.

I really cannot wait to go away. It has now started to sink in and a small part of me is terrified because what if I hate it and have made a massive mistake? But I know I will love it based on my trip to meet the team and see the place.

I feel really upset tonight as I’m packing up my stuff. I’m so excited to go but I feel like I have been let down by everyone who was meant to support me - my partner and my parents. I’ve agreed some things just to keep the peace for now although he’s started looking at things I’ve packed and questioned it, made comments about how much I’ve got to do in such little time which has made me defensive, stressed and angry. My parents have let me down massively and said that they won’t drop me off like they initially said that they would - because they know that he wants to and they think I should let him. What they think is irrelevant. A friend has offered to step in. I just want to cry.

You are completely right to feel let down by your parents if they've said that about dropping you off. I'm pretty staggered, you poor thing, I'm really glad your friend is stepping in to help

I too am absolutely staggered by your parents.

So what a man wants, that has emotionally, financially and sexually coerced their daughter is more important than sticking to an agreement.

May god forgive them

They are a disgrace to the word parent.

Utterly shameful behaviour.

However, am delighted that your friend has stepped in.

You cannot change your parents, but you can definitely learn to change how you respond.

The most important thing was always getting out of their safely.

Stay to plan.

Get out of there safely.

Try not to upset yourself.

Part of getting older is learning who really is there for you.

You have dear friends.

You will be fine.

Your parents have left themselves down awfully, that really is on them.

There support would have been nice, but you have come this far and you can get through the next bit without them.

We are here for you.

Wow take it. So many women on here struggle to get out and you have been given a new chance.

No. They don't change. He will beg and pleade and you'll see that person you fell in love with, however, if you stay he will take you for granted.

You will lose your oppurtunity to make a fresh start, only to see him taking you fir granted.

Worry not, if he really cared about you, he'd be looking for a way to make this work, not get his own way yet again.

You parents don't have to live with him 24/7, easy for them to lecture you on their high horse

Yes, normal to apologise if you care

Good on you for being sensitive. Honor your feelings and listen to your body.

Thank you for all of the lovely messages. It’s made me feel so much better. I’m exhausted, I’ve still got so much to do and I feel just a little less alone.

Good luck @LadyB156, don't let anyone derail your exciting new life! It is understandable that you will be feeling a bit emotional. A lot has happened, and you are taking new steps.

Just keep focussed on your new journey, and don't look back.

I am soo excited for you.