I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

@LadyB156 were all here behind you urging you on and sending strength, love and best wishes for your new future. Thank your friend and take the offer, and rope in any other KIND friend who offers help. Like the others I’m appalled at your parents, they are so selfish and unkind to treat you this way. Thank goodness for friends, just stick to your plans and call in all favours to get through this! 💐

You most definitely are not alone.

We are all willing you on.

Of course you are exhausted.

Moving is exhausting.

But when you get there, that exhaustion and stress will lift and a bright new day will emerge.

Full of a new job, people, challenges.

So exciting.

Hang on to this.

Everyone feels exhausted moving.

Have you made your list of all the things you want to remember to do, pack, etc?

The list is great, you can keep adding and crossing off as you go along.

I have done several international moves over the years, all a bit exhausting and stressful.

But the stress dissipates quickly.

So remember to eat, hydrate, and get some sleep.

We are all here for you.

You have so got this.💪

Thank you so much, I feel so grateful to you all for your comments and support. I’m going to discuss my parents at my next therapy session and I expect I will say something to them too. It is sad as up until recently I would have said we were a close family and one of the things that I found difficult with my partner was that I didn’t feel he made the same effort with my family as I did with his and he was always a bit distant with them. This will definitely change our relationship.

@billy1966 yes I’ve got a list. Work are also paying for a full packing service so the only thing I have to actually pack is my suitcase that I’m taking. It’s more the working out what to take, what to leave behind and what can I don’t need to begin with so can follow with the movers that seems to be taking so long. And getting all of my washing done (or as much as possible). I am nearly there though.

Speaking with your therapist will definitely help.

This will change your relationship for sure but going forward it will be on your terms.

Part of maturing is seeing your parents for who they really are and that is not always the reality of what we had hoped.

When packing and deciding, bring ANYTHING that you would miss if it gets destroyed.

Anything of emotional value.
Anything of use that will spare you a repurchase in your new home.

Take half of the useful stuff.
Don't leave everything for him.

You are setting up a new home.
Bring stuff that is useful.

Bedding, duvets sheets, towels, blankets.

Same with the kitchen, divide the stuff, otherwise you will be buying everything new.

When you are out there and finish with him, expect never to see anything you left behind and liked again.

So as the company are wrapping and paying, bring everything of use, and your clothes.

So what if stuff has to be brought to a local laundrette when you get there.

Put dirty clothes in black bags.

When you are out there and finish with him, expect never to see anything you left behind and liked again.

This is good advice. I speak from experience, there is probably still a load of my stuff at my ex's house, and at his parents place too. I couldn't fly back to get it, he wouldn't ship it, I had to let it go. And life has gone on. I had the important things when I left, the rest was just stuff.

Your parents are letting you down. They're not inside your relationship so maybe they don't understand the way things have been for you, but to be honest that's no excuse. They should be on your side on this. You've made your decisions, they ought to be supporting you.

I would make it clear to your parents as well, that whether they take you or not, your decision is that your ex will not be taking you so it's their loss not to be able to see you off. And that they've picked the wrong side to support in this situation. I'd struggle to forgive my parents if they did that to me.

Moving house is exhausting. Moving to another country is exhausting and daunting and challenging (even when it's exciting and a good move to make). Leaving a relationship is exhausting and challenging too. You're working on all three at once. Don't be too hard on yourself. But equally, don't go too easy on the people around you. This is tough, they should be either supporting you or keeping their opinions to themselves. And your ex can get in the bin frankly, his time for having opinions on what you pack or take has long passed.

You are nearly there. Keep breathing, this too shall pass.

Forget your parents, get out safely with your stuff.
Let your friends be your support.

I definitely think that when you have settled and see your therapist, consider a message to them, perhaps a variation on below, spelling things out to them.....

"Thankfully X stepped in and brought me to the airport when you decided to withdraw your offer.
Your lack of support has truly wounded me.
Family should support someone trying to flee an abusive relationship, but unfortunately that has not been the case in our family.
I am determined to make a success of my life and future in X, and I will.
I feel very sorry for you both that you have felt unable to support me, and have chosen to side with a man that has caused me such terrible pain, .......that leaving the country via my career was my best option to get away safely."

Their thinking is very disordered and I would suggest they are probably why you remained in that relationship so long.

I am so very pleased that you have a established a relationship with a therapist you like.

This will be a wonderful support and crutch during this transitional period.

Understanding your rearing will be a big part of processing your relationship and how long it went on for.

You are moving on to a much better place, not just geographically, but emotionally.

Be kind to yourself, this is a very trying period, but you are strong and you will get through this.

6 months from now you are going to look back at this time and be in wonder at your strength.

Just as we are all who are posting on your thread.
💪

Nearly there LadyB156…. You’ve done amazingly. It’s so close now. I agree on packing as much as you can especially if you have a service to help.

I would actively move towards selling the house too, as soon as you’ve ‘officially’ broken up. I totally get why you’ve done as you have BTW, to keep the peace. That’s understandable.

I remember a moment of realisation that my parents weren’t who I wanted and believed them to be. It was a lonely feeling. Ultimately it’s a stable step up to the next, which is you having the ability to recognise and surround yourself with those who ARE there, and on your side. Cherish those people, they’ll see you through.

… and you’ve got a whole thread of people here cheering you on, which is thoroughly deserved because, well just look what you’ve achieved…..

Can’t wait for your moving posts. Keep going, nearly there 💐

Thank you for your continued support. It really is so lovely. The movers came and packaged all my stuff up yesterday morning and I took everything with sentimental value. I am leaving some stuff here but it’s stuff I am okay with not getting back. Other than the dog, that I find the most sad but I can’t really take the dog with me. Well I could but I don’t think that’s an argument I want to have.

I also spoke to my parents and I was really proud of myself for standing up to them and the way I articulated myself. I told them I had communicated my wants and what they had said to me, and how it came across, was that it didn’t matter because his needs trumped mine. I also asked him to drop me off because it’s a short drive whereas for my friend it would be a 5 hour round trip and that wouldn’t be fair on her. They said they hadn’t meant it like that and said that they just hadn’t wanted to get in the way. They have also realised that they now won’t get to see me before I go away which is of their own doing and he has been incredibly awkward and difficult about it. Yesterday he had a go at me about it when I said that my parents wanted to see me before I went. He told me I should have been more organised and thought about all of this and we are meant to be spending time together. I know that he doesn’t want me to go but I don’t think in a normal healthy relationship that this would be the reaction. I sort of think that a partner would obviously be upset but would also recognise that family would want to see each other and not come in the way of that because that’s what a supportive person does.

Hey op

good luck with the move ❤️
you are doing the right thing

ive re started therapy and At the grand age of 49 I’m processing family stuff

it’s heavy
ride the emotions

feeling Sad and processing normal

staying would be 💯 worse x

Well done, you are nearly there.

Your parents have behaved really very poorly and I think you will benefit so much from talking to your therapist about this.

It is hard to overstate how most parents would be bending over backwards to support their child in every way possible to move on from this awful man.

Yes they absolutely decided that they whom haven't supported you, know better than you.

Delighted to read you have fully packed. Well done.

Have you found a solicitor to move on the sale?
Informed the utilities of your move?
Taken photos of the meters and submitted them?
Taken the video of the property before you leave.

Of course your controlling twat ex is pissed off at not seeing you.

Are you sure there is no ex colleague that would bring you to the airport?

He liked controlling you, a bit like your parents, all telling you what you should be doing and not respecting your right to make your own decisions.

He is only thinking of himself.
He was never a good man or a good partner.
Don't compare him to a normal partner, he's not one.
He's an abusive man that has abused you for years.

Think hard is their anyone who would bring you to the airport?
How far is it?
What would it cost by taxi?
is it really so much?

I think taking a step back from your parents would be wise, their letting you down like this is just so dreadful.
By taking a lift from him, they have got their way.
Unforgivable behaviour from them.

Focus on your friends whom are your greatest support.

Your parents need putting firmly in their place IMO.

Their refusal to bring you should be a turning point in your relationship.

I've been following your thread from the beginning and cheering you on in the background. You really are an incredibly strong woman

Good luck with your new beginning. You've got this 😀

I'd get an uber, please don't go with him, that last minute clinging & promise making is embarrassing & unwanted.
You are just hours away from being able to breathe again, making your own decisions without pressure, & analyse how you feel about your parents.
Please get your name removed from the utility bills, Once he realizes you aren't spending your money to rush back to him, he will make up for it by playing games of financial abuse.

good luck. The final push then you can begin the rebuilding of a new confident you.

@LadyB156 Your new life begins now! Good luck with your new home and job.

Do you have a contact number for one of your nearby neighbours? I found that useful when I moved as they were able to keep a loose eye out for me.

Take care.

Going by personal experience....he won't change. He's making all the right noises for now. Cut your losses, take the new job and start over. Good luck 🍀❤️🙏

Is there any way you could leave now? Maybe stay at a friends house or go to a cheap hotel near the airport until your flight? I think if you’ve done everything you need to do at your house then get away now from your ex. Don’t let him be abusive to you a minute longer.
I really look forward to reading the update saying you are happy and settled in your new job and your home. Very best of luck to you. 💐

Good luck 💐

Thank you so much for your continued messages of support. I went to see my parents today and I sort of had it out with them and seeing them in person rather than talking over the phone or via text was helpful. They pretty much told me to leave him and they shouldn’t have said that he should drop me off if he wanted to. It’s frustrating it had to be this way but it is what it is. They’re really excited for my new start and can’t wait to come and visit me. My mum got really sad when I left. I have discussed this all with my therapist and have found it helpful so far in being able to take a step back.

In terms of getting to the airport, I just don’t think I can face whatever verbal crap he will throw at me if I change things. I’m just going to leave it with him taking me, as far as he is concerned we are doing things long distance and seeing how things go. I think it’s the path of least resistance and it’s so close. I’m staying in a hotel the night before my flight as it’s an early one. I’ve got a bit more stuff to pack to take with me but it is late so that’s a job for tomorrow. So very nearly there.

Very nearly there. You can take these few last steps, nothing you will go through in the next few days will be as hard as what you've already made it through.

Well done for putting your parents in their place.

They deserved it.

They have put you in this position re the airport.

Do not allow him to stay in the airport hotel with you.

Get there safely 🙏 and get away from him.

I still think once you have finished the packing if you can get a lift from someone else, take it.

So what if he strops, you will be leaving.

You owe this waster absolutely nothing.

Above all, stay safe.

Thinking of you today OP….. big day!!

So excited for you 💐

happy moving day!!

Thank you @katmarie and @Icandefinitelydothis - moving day is tomorrow and I am really excited. I’ll have a couple of days to settle in, which has worked quite well with the move over Easter.

He ramped up his bad behaviour and has now mellowed out but now that I can see the behaviour patterns, it has no real effect on me other than to annoy me and I feel like I am able to detach from it a bit more than previously. I’m off to have a few drinks with friends tonight too and I can’t wait.

@billy1966 to be fair to them, my parents have since offered to take me but I’ve said to leave it. They’ve not got a very big car and it would have been a tight squeeze. I’m okay with him dropping me off - he won’t be coming in to the hotel. For me it, in strange way, feels like the way I want to say goodbye to him.

Wishing you all the positive thoughts in the world for tomorrow. Safe travels!

Hope it all goes smoothly