I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

Take this time to be ruthless going through your stuff.
Get rid of anything that isn't important to you.
Use this time to get rid.
Ask friends to fill their cars and bring to local charity shops.

Contact the removals company and ask them have they any capacity to come early, pack your stuff and hold it before delivering it to you?

I have definitely heard of companies doing this.
It could be worth it.

Tell them you are leaving an abusive relationship.

You would be so surprised at how kind strangers can be if you ask.

Ask the question, it costs nothing.

I'm just recalling we did this 25 years ago with an international move.

It really is not an unusual ask.

@Todayisontheup and @billy1966 thank you for your practical Suggestions - that’s really helpful. I should clarify - I do have use of a car but it’s not mine, it’s his. I plan to be ruthless with getting rid of stuff. My main important thing is to sort out paperwork as there’s so much stuff and I don’t know how much I actually need but don’t want to leave behind anything important. I’m planning to do some trips to the charity shops and to the tip in the next week. The movers have given me the nearest date they have but I will ask them if they get any cancellations could they please come sooner.

I feel awful and can’t sleep. He was out with friends tonight and called me crying, which he has never done before. He was drunk. He told me he loved me so much it hurts, he is so sorry for how he has been and he wished he hadn’t ever been like that and pushed me away and he just wants to make it all up to me. It made me feel really sad and I said some things to placate him because I wanted him to get back to his hotel safely and I felt bad but now I am lying here awake because I am annoyed. Yes it is sad, but he hasn’t taken ownership of his behaviour for almost the entirety of our relationship - he has quantified it to a specific time period and has blamed it on his mental health. His mental health isn’t what made him abusive, he already was and his mental health is a poor excuse and not really taking ownership. He wants to talk later and I’m already dreading it.

This is another example of his manipulative behaviour. Stay annoyed. Don’t be sad for him - be sad for the years you invested in this relationship with someone who did not treat you well. He can use whatever excuse he wants for his poor behaviour; that does not make it true.

He wants to talk, but this doesn’t mean that you have to. Be out or busy when he returns, decline a chat. If needed blame it on a headache or having stuff to do.
Stay strong. Get your belongings sorted asap. Get out asap. Enlist ALL the help you can.

Thanks @farnworth - I don’t doubt that he is sad about things, he is a person too but it is manipulative. Particularly as he has been when sober as when I’ve said I don’t think that this relationship has a future, he will just go on and on at me.

Lately he’s also been offering financial support by lending me money for things I might need. I told him I don’t want his money. He has also offered practical help, such as booking to come and visit me to help with things around my new house like decorating and helping put together furniture to make it another home for us. All things which would be normal in a loving relationship.

@farnworth is correct, pure manipulation.

The thing to try and understand are those tears are for HIMSELF, not you.

Absolutely for HIMSELF.

It suited him to have you in his life taking his abuse.

He never expected you to end it and he never expected you to do it via a new job.

He knew well that he was abusing you.
He knew well that he was very wrong.

Using his mental health as an excuse is because like all nasty abusive bullys, he can't cope with taking responsibility.

All his behaviour is manipulation.

Once you don't bite, watch and wait for his nastiness to reappear.

Be very very wary of him.

He is a bad man who is losing control and cant bear that you are moving away.

He was coercive sexually to you, a crime.

I hope you have sorted your paperwork out.

Ask friends to call to take a car load of anything important to you.

Go through your clothes, give some to friends too, that can be collected at a later date.

Film the house and furniture in case he decides to cause damage to your things.

Do not entertain him later.

He's an abusive liar and has owned nothing.

He will always be an abuser.

I really hope that you call the police at the slightest hint of aggressive from him.

Put any friends nearby on alert for a call from you.

Get as much done to day clearing out stuff, that you can.

Focus on using these hours wisely.

As ever, thank you @billy1966 i know it’s wrong to but part of me does wonder whether it’s just worth going along with things for the next couple of weeks and then once I have left ending things properly.

Oh and just to add, I’ve an appointment with a therapist next week too.

Once you have moved file for divorce;you're only 30;I'm assuming you'll want kids one day in the future,you don't want him to be the father of your children.Can you imagine the emotional abuse your children would be subjected to with him for a father?

A failed marriage isn't a personal failure but a personal victory;be strong for you and the future family you'll have one day.

If it keeps you safe, which is the priority, talk about both taking space and see how things go.

Commit to nothing.

Bullshit him about space and your confusion.
Talk about it being hard to forget his behaviour so space and time is key.

But get out safely and as quickly as possible.

Ask any friends can they take some of your stuff.

Ask friends does anyone know of an empty space.

What have the removals said about holding hour stuff?

Well done for arranging a therapist.

Thank fxxk you are NOT married to this pig.🙏🥳

So sorry for your situation but also how bloody exciting!!!!!
A whole new start, new job, new place…absolutely amazing!! I’m really jealous!
I know you have down days but once your out there and living it you will look back and be gobsmacked how much energy and sadness you put into someone who was just a waste of space.
Enjoy your new life, bet you can’t wait to get going, you may still have some down days when you’re out there, but that will pass and is completely normal.
Wishing you the happiness you deserve!

@Londontoderby thank you - I am really excited.

Over the last few weeks, with things have really cemented why I am doing this.

@billy1966 i tried to use your advice about not committing to anything. But in the end I felt I had to say that I was willing to see how things go. I talked to my therapist about this and she has said that it’s way to exercise control. I completely agree. I am playing along with it all for now, it feels deceitful but it’s not for much longer.

In my opinion I think that he feels he’s got me where he wants me and is slowly starting to revert. Being petty with things, making the odd comment here and there. He can’t even keep up the pretence. It’s exhausting. Part of me is tempted to say this is it and go and stay somewhere else, with family but I’ve hardly any time left to go until the movers are in it almost seems pointless.

He has probably realised that he will have a very hard time on the dating apps and is now full of regret over your relationship. Most men cannot cope on their own after being in aog term relationship. They need to fill that hole with either a former partner, new partner. They will try anything

It’s not deceitful, it’s self preservation and a way to achieve your goal, which is an exciting new life. You’re doing brilliantly and you’re nearly there…. How long to go now?

If you haven’t already done so, I’d get a solicitor on board, get some advice on the house and be ready and informed for when you let him know it’s done-done and you want to sell.

This man needs to occupy your past, not your present or future. You’ve far too much success and happiness ahead to be giving this individual any more of your minutes.

@xfan i did wonder that, and how he would cope. But I kind of don’t care.

Thank you @Icandefinitelydothis that makes me feel much better. A touch over 2 weeks to go.

Oh you have absolutely done what is right if it gets you through this.

Whatever gets you out of there safe and sound is the right thing to do 100%.

Oh I have absolutely no doubt he will revert.

He is an awful abusive man.

Don't give him a hint of where you are going to be living.

Also tell reception in your new office to never reveal any details regarding your address etc.

You don't want him knowing anything about you.

Block him on all your SM and when it suits you, if it suits you, let it be known to a couple of trusted friends, you left him because of abuse, and they can do with that information what they like.

Having a solicitor in place is a good idea too.

Will you be emptying the house of all your stuff in two weeks?

@billy1966 yes - or at least anything I actually want to keep is going to come with me. The movers are in a couple of days before I actually go and provide a full packing service which is really helpful. He isn’t meant to be here that day too and I am hoping it stays that way. This was, in part, why I didn’t want to have to store stuff elsewhere. It’s made me realise how little I actually need and that some stuff I don’t really care about or can be replaced - they’re just things. I’ve used this as an opportunity to get rid of lots of stuff and need to go to the tip and the charity shops.

Every time I tried to explain to him why I didn’t think things would work, or why I had concerns etc he would pretty much work to talk me round which made me realise that he would never listen to me while I am here. That’s why I have had to do this. And because part of me felt like at least I could walk away knowing I did everything and it wasn’t me.

I need to set up Royal Mail redirection and I think that’s it.

I am also coming to think that maybe he has also been financially abusive. Possibly borderline. It’s very inconsistent and his attitude to money in some respects has been very odd recently. I earn a good wage and yet our outgoings are such that I am unable to save much but he is. I think I’m going to explore this with my therapist a bit more. It means that things will be tight financially to begin with for me when I move but I don’t care, there’s a reason I am doing this. I can also ask my parents for assistance if I need it and I know they will give it and once I’m away from here, I will have a lot more disposable cash which means I can pay them back quickly.

You are doing really great.

You are on the ground and you are getting yourself out of there safely.

The likely financial abuse is not surprising at all.

If you stayed and had children with him I can 100% guarantee you would be an absolutely abused woman emotionally as he spoke to like shit, thinking you are stuck now that you have a child, ditto financially, probably refusing to contribute and insisting you use your savings and pay your way 50% still, during maternity leave.
Ditto sexually as he would think he could treat you as badly as he liked.

Believe me he is a really ugly man to his core and you have only seen the surface level of what he is capable of.

A pregnancy and birth of a child would have left you in a devastating position.

Be so so glad you are getting away from him.

You have dodged the greatest of horrors.
He has shown you all the markers of a really abusive man and would have given you a dogs life should you have stayed.

Be so so proud of yourself getting away.

I am so glad you are letting people know what he is really like.

Simply saying you are glad to have gotten away safely will be enough, after you are long gone.

Don't give him your address and make it very clear that your forwarding address is never to be given out to anyone.

You are so young and have so many exciting experiences ahead of you.

Make sure you get every penny you are due.

Do not allow him to rip you off.

You have 100% got this💪👏

Thank you @billy1966 - I have been talking openly about it to a couple of friends in real life which has been helpful and I’ve got my therapist too. Funnily enough, when I went for my initial appointment he didn’t like it. I didn’t want to say where I was going but he kept going on so I told him and then he said - what if they make you change your mind? I said that they might not and then he didn’t seem so bothered. It’s just baffling that I’ve put up with this for so long. I think he can sense I’m pulling away a bit and is being off with me. I have got plans for different things over the next fortnight to try and minimise time spent at home as much as possible but also to give the effect I am spending time with him.

Fortunately it would take an awful lot of effort for him to follow me so I doubt he would - I’ll be in another country, living my best life. I also don’t have fixed accommodation sorted yet for over there. I think that works quite well really for now as I will be in temporary accommodation with my clothes for a bit and then hopefully when my stuff has been shipped over I will be in my new home. Work are arranging it all for me. I have a lovely line manager who I think I can probably confide in about this and I think I will as there will be additional support available to me.

Well done for speaking openly, this is not on you.

Think of it as free additional therapy to help you process it all.

Take any and every opportunity to be away from him before you go, very normal to be seeing friends before you go.

Delighted it is a different country.

Absolutely confide in your new manager.
Take every bit of support you can.

I think you are going to recover from this well and move on very successfully.

It will have been a huge learning curve for you.

Don't be afraid to spend time reflecting on the moments when you should have listened to your gut.

Strengthening your boundaries will be the greatest life gift you could give yourself going forward.

I look forward to reading about your impending freedom when it arrives.

Keep up with the clearing out of stuff to make your move as efficient as possible and make sure you have all your paperwork in order so that you are not caught out when you leave.

Has your solicitor got all your paperwork?
Have you a good trusted friend who could help you there?

Try to think of any challenges that might arise so that you can get in front of them now.

Wishing you well.

Thanks @billy1966 - I am going to see what I need to do about mail redirection. I can get it all sent to a friend who can then post out to me if needed which is helpful. I have stored electronic copies of all important shared paperwork so don’t need to take much physical with me. I had a good chinwag with my mum the other day and told her how awful he’s been and she pretty much told me to leave. Two of my friends have said the same. It’s the first time those people have. I know a couple of friends have had concerns in the past but I just don’t think I was ready to hear it.

@LadyB156 some great advice from @billy1966. With regards to the mail redirect, you can arrange it online, but don't forget to tick the box to hide your new address! Royal Mail write to both your current address the new address to confirm the redirection (it is a safety measure in case you are fraudulently trying to redirect someone else's mail).

Ticking the box to withhold your address will mean that the letter they send to your current home will state there is a mail redirection but not the actual address it is going to.

Take meter readings for all the utilities in case he tries to inflate the bill and come after you for more money. Take photos of the meters as evidence.

I am soo excited for you, good luck!

Thank you @Todayisontheup - I am excited for me too. I’ve got smart meters installed, does that make a difference re readings? He’s already being awkward about finances despite me being clear over what I am going to pay for and what I won’t be paying.

the more I openly talk about things the more I realise how much is not normal.

@LadyB156 Not long to go now! The relief you will feel... I am not sure about a smart meter, but take a photo of the meters on the day you move out. I would then send him an email with the photos attached of the readings just in case he tries anything.

Once you have moved, and settled into your new space. I think you will be even more shocked, when you start to remember some of the incidences that may have seem relevant at the time. Space is so important to gain real perspective!

You should be proud of yourself! From the moment you started this post, you have continued to move towards your new life. You have not always been sure, but you kept moving and that is admirable.

I would also take a video of the whole property before you leave. He could try and claim that you damaged something, and the video would prove the condition when you moved out.

Sleep well.