I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

Make an absolutely clean break. Be smart and keep emotions which he will use to manipulate you at bay. You know what you want. Can you not ask him to buy you out of the property? Or force a sale?
you will be so much happier once you get yourself on solid ground and on your own terms.

@Schnooze i think you are right - if we hadn’t been living in the same house, things would have been different. It’s probably horrible to say, but part of me thinks it might be easier to plod along a bit and then break up when I’ve gone. Even just discussing the logistics around seeing each other seems to be difficult and as he has limited annual leave left for this year, he clearly expects the travel burden to fall on me.

@Dery yes, my friend is off on holiday soon. I may go and stay there for the duration, just need to check. Agree with you entirely on the sunk costs fallacy.

@Floppyelf he can’t afford to buy me out and I am not sure I want to force a sale just yet. I think I’m going to bide my time for now.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. I think I would just do whatever you need to do to get away to your new job. Be non-committal, be vague, talk about "seeing how things go". His lack of AL is good, if he can't come to you then you are in control. Once you are gone you can detach much more easily and it will be much harder for him to manipulate you.

I expect that once you are away it will be much easier to draw a line under things without him constantly chipping away at you.

This will be the start of a whole new chapter for you, you've just got to get there. Can you explain to your work that you are keen to get moved and settled even if you continue in your current role remotely for a few weeks?

@Sunshinegirl82 being non-committal is a good idea. Being the people pleaser I am would otherwise result in some future plans I wouldn’t quite know how to extricate myself from. Every conversation we have had about forward planning hasn’t actually resulted in a conclusion, I feel like there is push back to come and actually see me which I don’t quite understand. I can’t move any sooner, but they know I’m keen to get on with it and they want me asap as I’m replacing someone who will have left before I start so are expediting various HR processes. It should all work out.

I’ve spoken to my friend and I can stay there which should give me some space.

One thing I have noticed is that my family have asked if I have spoken to his family, or if any of them have been in touch with me. To which the answer is no. My family seem to think that as we’ve spent so long together, it’s worth giving them an explanation as we previously had a good relationship. I just don’t really see the point.

You don't owe his family any explanation BUT if asked, be honest.

He has been abusive towards you and you no longer see a future with him.
Simple as that. Don't lie.

He has treated you very poorly.
You moving away tells them how much you want to be away from him.

OP, your family are very poor.
Be wary of your parents.

They should be outraged on your behalf, not concerned about his family.

If a man behaved that way to my daughters and I was told about it, he'd be right to be fearful of my reaction and that of my husband.

You owe him nothing.
That ended when he treated you badly.

People pleasing is a terrible trait and causes terrible problems in a life.

It makes you so vulnerable to be taken advantage of by family, friends, men, work.

You despite need to get into some counselling and do some reading on assertiveness.

You must tackle this so that you are not treated poorly again.

I wonder about your upbringing, that you are such a people pleaser?

Thank god he doesn't have much leave.

Go to your friends and start packing up your stuff.

The house needs to be sold.
Easier to get organised before you leave so get busy.

Get every penny you are entitled to from the house sale.

This man is not good.
He is well prepared to rip you off.

Do NOT agree to sub him with utilities.
Get your name off any bills.

You need protecting from him.
Do not allow him to bully you into agreeing anything that puts you at a disadvantage.

@billy1966 I agree. I suppose if it was different, he wasn’t abusive etc and it was a rough patch I could see the point in talking to his parents and “clearing the air” so that in future seeing each other wouldn’t be awkward. I am looking into therapy but from a logistical perspective I want to wait until I’ve gone. I have definitely changed a lot over my 20s and am more assertive than I was, but there is always work to be done. I’ve noticed that change in particular over the last couple of years, bizarrely probably helped by a very supportive line manager who gave me space to develop and tools to push back in a way I’ve never had professionally before. This has also translated to my personal life. I would say that my upbringing would be on the more “traditional” end of the spectrum and I don’t doubt that my parents did their best (and certainly better than their parents did), although expectations were always there.

Continue with the work on yourself.

Assertiveness is you learning to protect yourself.

You need protection from men like him, they are attracted to people pleasers that they can control and bully.

Thank you @billy1966 - your posts have been very helpful and helped to cement that I am doing the right thing. For what it’s worth I saw my parents today, I told them everything. I told them how disappointed I was that they hadn’t expressed any anger etc at the way I had been treated. They told me that they hated it but they hadn’t wanted to tell me what to do and as I hadn’t said equivocally that it was over to them, I had said that I didn’t know what to do
and they didn’t want to say anything to make me feel awkward (if things worked out). They also told me that they asked about his parents getting in touch because they would have thought given the previous good relationship they might have wanted to be supportive, check I was okay, maybe acknowledge how their son had behaved etc. but I think that is a bit naive. My mum also told me that my dad wanted to put them all in their place over how I have been treated. I feel a lot better for having it out with them and telling them that I want this relationship over.

I am really struggling with the logistics of how to end things. We are both wfh a fair bit, I’ve broached staying at my friend’s house and been told it would nice to spend time together before I leave. I feel very conflicted on how to approach and deal with this because I don’t know what he will be like.

A very big well done in spelling it out to your parents.

Good on you.
It's not easy to tell your parents that they have let you down.
They deserved it.

Believe me that they will be impressed by it, whatever they say.

I think he intimidates you, which is completely understandable because you are living with an abusive man.

I think you need to go to your friends house or your parentss and stay there.

You need to move out, but you need to be clear that the house is to be sold.

You need to get it valued.

He wants to spend time with you to exert control over you.

He is a bad man, who has abused you.

You owe him nothing.
Your relationship is over, so now it is about the house being sold.

But if you feel intimidated by him, as I think you do, you need to leave asap.

You cannot put boundaries in place whilst living with your abuser.

He is your abuser.

He is never goibg to be kind and nice and decent, because that is not who he is.

He wants to bully you regarding the house and that is his tactic.

Leave the house and email him that the relationship is over due to his abuse of you and you want the house sold.

Start a paper trail.

Take anything of sentimvalue from the house NOW, he may destroy things out of spite.

Don't hesitate to involve the police if he is aggressive.

Bullys don't like the police involved.

You can do this.

I don’t feel intimidated. It’s more that it is an awkward and difficult conversation to have and then to continue to live in the same space is the same. I also feel that he would try and persuade me otherwise, to say he didn’t mean xyz and would want to talk more. But this is to keep me within his control. I’ve had a brief conversation already about this and am trying to implement physical space but I’m giving myself a couple of days (at least) to think about the logistics eg what to take etc. because I don’t want to do things on the fly and miss anything.

Well done OP, its so nice to see someone come out the other side of a bad relationship, even if a bit battered and bruised by the ordeal.

Make sure everything of yours is out of the house before you leave. Paperwork (especially proof of ownership of house/bills), photos, sentimental or expensive items. Assume that he will either destroy or sell anything of yours that is left behind.

I definitely do feel a bit battered and bruised. We’ve been plodding along in the same house and on occasion I’ve noticed the mask slip. I pointed out something he said the other day and he flatly denied it. Then later in the day I mentioned it, he tried to justify it. I also mentioned a low value joint item I wanted to take, to which he said no because he might need it. It feels very petty and it makes me realise that I know I am doing the right thing. I am talking more openly with my family about some things too (although not the sexual coercion because that makes me feel uncomfortable). The talking has helped. I’ve had some time away staying at my friend’s place which has helped too.

In light of the comments around my stuff and paperwork, I’ve decided to wait until I’ve actually gone to do anything. That gives me enough time to sort out and make sure that I have all the important documents I need, all of my belongings taken care of and then there’s just the house to deal with.

I'm so sorry pet that things are so difficult.

But being brave is never easy.

You are such a clever woman and you have such a great life ahead of you.

You just need to hold on tight.

Life can be such a challenge during your 20's ...such hard confusing years of transition but it passes, and life moves on.

Its hard to believe when life is so hard and shitty, but it does moves on.

If you can just hold on an be brave, take a deep breath, things will get better.

Get your stuff together quietly and be very clever and get everything you need out without him knowing.

Share everything with your family that you are comfortable with and actively look for a therapist to help you deal with any sexual coercive behaviour.

I'm so sorry that you have that shit to deal with.

Remember you are so brave and you can do this.

This seems so hard now, believe me I get it, but it does move on.

Please keep posting. We are here for you.

My ex partner talked me round and then spent the next 18 months deliberately removing my wellbeing. I was naive and should have left him immediately so he didn't have a chance to do that. I read the Lundy Bancroft book and he was tickbox. I would always advise that once you have blown their cover and told them you want to leave, you need to do it quickly because they have their own agenda, and it is not in your interests.

Thank you @billy1966 - I am really grateful for your comments although it is hard to hear sometimes as I occasionally want to bury my head in the sand. I’ve returned to this thread regularly to read your posts.

Things have happened and words have been said/had and it has really cemented for me why I am doing this. I deserve more than someone who thinks it’s okay to shout and raise their voice at me instead of having a rational conversation. I’ve got a few weeks left and then I should be leaving properly, I am waiting for confirmation of removals. I’m just trying to focus on that. I’ve also had to implement boundaries with my family. When I last posted, I really thought that they finally got it. Turns out they don’t and I’ve told them I don’t want their advice because if I’m telling them something, I don’t want them telling me what to do or making excuses for him. It makes me angry just typing that.

Oh and I also contacted some therapists who just never responded to my enquiries. I am feeling a bit down today, just need to focus on the positives. Not long to go.

Hi op, just wanted to say I've been where you are in a way. I was 34 years old, living with my ex abroad when we split up, and I couldn't move home for several months afterwards, until I finished my degree. Our relationship basically died in the autumn, and I moved home the following May. We lived in a two bed flat that whole time, I slept in the spare room for most of it.

It was tough, it felt like I was in a constant negotiation of our relationship terms. Every conversation we had was just full of complex, excruciatingly painful subtext and half said things. We had some ferocious rows, and some weird moments where things seemed almost normal, happy even. which was a head fuck all around.

I knew it was ending, he probably knew too if he really listened to what i was saying, but he wasn't accepting it. He made promises of different behaviour, which rarely came true, and even if they had, it wouldn't have washed away the previous ten years of his behaviour to me. When he did manage to behave like a decent person, he held it over me, as if to say 'see how much i'm doing for you, changing my behaviour for you, and you're just ungrateful for not falling right back into line.' That his pathetic efforts didn't work to reel me back in really pissed him off. On the other hand, literally in the airport, as I was getting on the plane to come home finally, he was still talking about our future.

It was, in hindsight, a nightmare situation, and once I did get out of it, I needed a long time to recover from it.

But I did get out. Getting on that plane was a relief in the end, because i just didnt have to deal with him and his emotional vacuuming any more. I still had times afterwards where I questioned whether I made the right choice, and I definitely took a long time to get over it, both the relationship and the period of breaking up as well. But it was without a doubt the right decision for me, and I would never in a million years go back.

You will get through this part of your life, and hopefully you will emerge stronger and more in tune with what is right for you. I know I came out of it determined never to be in that position again. So far so good on that!

Keep breathing, one step at a time, and focus on your job and your start date. You will get there.

Great post by @katmarie, so true.

This is a difficult time for sure.
Very testing.

But when you get away and are in your new job you will fully appreciate the enormity of your bravery.

He was not a good man.
You were never ever going to have a happy ending with him.

Your bravery means you will have learnt so much from this and you will heal and you will move on.

Lots of women go through a variation of this, and they move forward on to a great future.

You will need to heal though.

It is very disappointing that your family are as they are.

Lots of women do remain in toxic abusive relationships because they have familys that prefer to look the other way.

But that says so much about them and you cannot change anyone but yourself.

You know your own mind and you don't need their approval.

You have got this and you absolutely will get through this.

Online therapy could suit you very well.

Get the best person you can, it will help you to put everything in context and you are not going to be defined by this man and his ugliness.

Of course you can feel sad but this will pass and when you are no longer live with him, I guarantee you will gain a great new perspective from the distance.

Do not allow him to take advantage financially.
That will piss you off in the future no end.

So get your share which will help you in your future.

Don't hesitate to get legal advice.

Sexual coercion is a crime.
Don't be afraid to seek legal advice if the coercion you have been subjected to impacts your ability to get your full financial entitlement.

Keep posting.
We are here and rooting for you.
You are a great woman with a great future ahead of her.
I'm sure of it😁.
I'd be so proud of a daughter like you.

@katmarie thank you for sharing your story. It must have been so difficult. It definitely feels like a head fuck.

thank you @billy1966 that is so kind of you, your post brought tears to my eyes. I did look at online therapy (Better Help) initially but I can’t cover the cost of it right now with everything else that I need to pay for but once I have moved, I will properly look into it. It seems like he is being awkward for the sake of it - I haven’t told him whether or not I would commit to long distance and he is using it to hold over me. He’s been particularly unkind and said he won’t help with anything if I do not agree to it. This was in the context of moving some furniture and allowing removals access. If he doesn’t give them access, I will have to take leave to deal with it, which I don’t want to have to do. I did actually mention this part of things to my parents and they were horrified. So that’s something.

@LadyB156 have you seen a solicitor about selling the house? Do not leave selling it up to your abusive stbx partner, he doesn’t have your interests at heart, will do only what suits him, and he will punish you with it. Please also talk to the solicitor about his threats, and what your legal obligations are re the house and its sale. Your ‘housemate’ can hector and threaten, but if you know where you stand legally it will reinforce your feelings of confidence and strength - and you need that atm!

@goody2shooz i have taken care of that, yes.
He has agreed to sell the house irrespective of what happens.

When it comes to having a conversation with him about my reservations/concerns/why I don’t see this working long term he tries to talk me round and then I go along with it for a bit, because I don’t really know what else to do and in reality it’s a bit nice until it’s not. I’m going to have to be harsh and I am struggling to see how I can do this while still being here. It feels so deceitful but I don’t know what else or how else to do it. Of course part of me wishes I didn’t have to do this but I think that’s normal. I don’t have a car and I don’t have anywhere to go. I’ve got lots of stuff I need to take with me and feel I need to wait until after the movers have come to get my stuff.

Are you sure that none of your friends can help?

I think it is so dreadful that your parents aren't standing by your side against this awful man.

Have you thought of speaking to a rape crisis helpline?
Women's aid?

You were coerced sexually which is sexual assault.

If you were my daughter, that little shit would be quivering in his boots at what I would be doing to fxxk his life up in real time.
He really needs to be reported to 101 and on their books for his emotionally and sexual abuse of you.

How would he feel about his family, friends, his work, and the police, being informed as to his real character?

Personally if you were my daughter I would be telling him that if he so much as looks sideways at you and does a single thing to make the sale etc. difficult I would make it MY mission to really mess up HIS life.

But I am very petty like that.

You are not powerless.

Have you mentioned to your solicitor that he was abusive?

Would they have some advice?

Perhaps they could put something in a letter informing him that HIS threats will be met with firm action up to an including his emotional abusive and sexually coercive mistreatment of you.

Would you speak to the solicitor about telling him in the letter, because of HIS behaviour you would like him to vacate the house until you are gone.

He's a bully.

Bully's hate being exposed.

Just something to think about.
You are not powerless.

@LadyB156 I’m sure we all agree with @billy1966 ’s sentiments and advice! I hope at the very least your parents could store your most precious and important things - get them out of the house. Could you hire a car or van if you need to? Any friends who’d help?

Thank you @billy1966 and @goody2shooz - honestly, it’s only a few more weeks. As emotionally draining as it all is, I am inclined to suck it up. I’ve got fun stuff planned in between to see friends and on most days that I work from
home I meet a friend for a walk or a coffee which helps keep me out of the house for a bit. My friend knows all about it so is good real life support. When I spent some time away at my other friend’s place, I really missed our time together. I have a couple of people near where I live who are supportive which helps. I’ve got so much stuff that is being moved - books, clothes, furniture, that for the short period of time it is, it’s probably just easier to leave here. My parents don’t have the space and they don’t leave nearby, otherwise I would have asked them. I haven’t spoken to women’s aid but I have read a lot on their website. I genuinely don’t think he would destroy my stuff but I do need to sort it out - it’s all everywhere and I need to pack / store the things I’m planning to take. He’s away this weekend so I’m going to make a start on it and shop for new things to take with me too.

My other friends who don’t live nearby would help me if I needed them to drive my stuff anywhere etc. but they don’t have the space for it either and I don’t think there’s any point in hiring a storage locker as my removals are booked to come to my house now and within 4 weeks it will all be gone. He was being awkward about allowing the movers access after I leave - didn’t know if he would be around etc. so I’ve shifted my leaving date - it’s okay though as it means I can supervise the removals, and spend some time with family and friends before I go. Otherwise I would be finishing one job on the Friday, travelling over a weekend and then starting a new job on the Monday morning. This gives me a few days leeway and it means I can pack after I finish my current job.

Hi @LadyB156 ,

I have been willing you on since reading your thread. You should be proud of yourself as this is tough!

I have a suggestion re your move as someone who recently moved. I got my movers to move some items out earlier, and they stored in one of their normal move containers, and kept it at their facility.

On the day of the move, I had less to move out and after a couple of weeks, I arranged for them to take my stored items out of their store and deliver them to my new address. It is not expensive and saved me a huge amount of worry!

Also, don't forget to set up mail redirect now as it takes a just over a week. If you don't want your current partner to know your new address, you must tick the box on the application to withold new address.

Good luck.