I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

@goody2shooz you’re right - it is freedom. I am also much less stressed, I’m a calmer person since I’ve been away. I have obviously had my moments and it’s not like I have been zen, but I feel more at peace with myself. I’ve already got a fairly full week of socialising and work. I can go to the gym without it feeling like a negotiation or a snide comment about how it’s nice that I have time for that, or for me time. I always wanted to join a running club but never had the confidence to do so and he always made my life difficult when I wanted to go off and do things (like go to the gym) and told me I wasn’t a real runner. I might not be fast but he sucked the joy out of it for me, and I let him.

@LadyB156 well, mister joysucker can jog on - ‘not a real runner’ 🤦‍♀️ Who does he think he is? Rude unpleasant git - glad I’ve never met him. Relax and enjoy your new life without him. And be a an unreal runner, a walker, a dancer, whatever you want as long as you’re enjoying your life on your terms. This time next year? Can’t wait to hear what you’ll have achieved!

Thank you @goody2shooz

I have been keeping on with the therapy, I’ve moved into my new home and am working on building a social life. There’s someone out here at work for a few months and so we have been having dinner together a few times a week and occasionally doing the odd thing over the weekend. I feel really content and empowered with my life here.

@LadyB156 lovely news! Glad you seem to be settling in, and hope your new job helps get you to a much better life away from shhyouknowwho!

Amazing @LadyB156 , you’re doing brilliantly! I’m so glad to hear you’re settling, and I hope it continues to go well X

Great update.

After 10 years with such a twat, you really need to breathe deeply and find out who you are.

You were so bullied and ground down by him, you may not be sure.

By taking time to be on your own,
learning from this experience,
not shying away from the memories of the shit you put up with,
and establishing yourself and your standards now that you are 30,
you are building, one block at a time a new you,
and the real chance of a healthy happy future for yourself.

Breathe deeply the air of self reliance and independence.

You did something SO difficult.

You got yourself away from an absolute twat.

Start everyday with a fine old slap on your back👏💪😁

Thank you @goody2shooz @Icandefinitelydothis ans @billy1966

I have seen him since I left, he wanted to see me and so booked into and paid for a nice hotel in a holiday destination not very far away from where I live. It was nice, he paid for pretty much all of it and was on his best behaviour and it was worthwhile. It made me realise I’m actually okay without him, how much I’ve grown with the space and that I like my life here. The benefit of this time is that he has opened up about dog care issues with me not being around and has suggested I have the dog and he speak to work about him being able to work away from the UK to spend time with us both. I’ve started looking into transporting the dog and sent him details on what he needs to do. I’m going along with it for now because I want the dog. If he backtracks (as he may well do) I will properly end it.

I’m feeling really conflicted about what to do next. I am so ready to end things now, I feel like I’m in a good headspace and I just don’t want him in my life. But I don’t know what to do about the dog. My life here would be easier without her but that’s not really a factor for me.

You having the dog would really limit your new life there and maybe that’s what he’s hoping! Could well be another form of control over you by him.

Yes, its uts a doubke sided sword, you would have the constraints of having to rush home for the dog/find & finance dog walker/ holiday kennels .
It limits going out fir the evening/away for the w/e..
However on the other hand you get the comfort & company of having her when you are home.
Ideally you need to build up your friendship network before having a dog.. or find a local & easily available dog sitter

Also it depends if its a big young active dog, or an elderly small one
Mine fir example is now 14 & rarely does anything but sleep & potter

The above posts are right.

I can understand your confluct however you have spent years bending yourself out of shape for this awful man.

You have been extraordinarily brave and strong to up and move away, throwing yourself into a new place, work, social situations.

The worst thing you could do now is take on a huge responsibility which will prevent you indulging the spontaneity of new opportunities and connections.

I think you need to choose you.

You are not practiced enough in doing this so it is hard for you, but I think you really need to.

I am so glad to read that you are ready to finish with him, great news.

I think this is hugely likely.

This is not a good man.

Not in any shape or form.

Expect zero decency from him.

He is an ugly man to his core and he abused you for years.

He is well capable of using the dog to control you.

You and your freedom is more important.

I think you finish with him and you do not take the dog.

This is the right thing to do for you.

Tough decision though it will be.

Would your parents finally do something to support you, and take him?

Dog is 6, easy going and before I left, I did everything - walks, feeds, vet trips etc. and he made it quite clear that he didn’t want me to take her, I acquiesced because I thought it would make things easier. Since I’ve been gone, the usual dog minder has refused to have her due to behaviour with others, which is unusual and not like her. I initially suggested she come out here to live with me and he later agreed, but it’s contingent on something he wants, as always. I hadn’t thought about it being a form of control on his part other than the contingency part of it. I am trying to think about what will be best for the dog and the bigger picture.

The dog will be restrictive in some ways but I can afford her, where I am is very dog friendly, there is care available and my commute to work is 10 minutes. Work have said I can take her to work with me or I can work on a flexi basis to come back home in the day.

If I don’t take the dog, I will probably adopt a cat at some point because it’s less responsibility. I miss the dog a lot.

I have built up a friendship circle out here already, which is great. I have plans at the weekends, lots of people have offered to help with house stuff and I’m hosting a dinner party next week. I feel so settled here and it feels like home already.

Good that you can see he is still trying to control you.

Is it to do with finances, the house?

He is scum.

Please don't allow him to hold the dog hostage.

Do negotiations over text if you can.

Get as much proof of his ugliness as possible by text.

This. Take the job. Don’t look back.

Oops, just read your update. So glad you have moved on and things are looking good.

Decide if you want the dog.

If you do then get her there, put up with the ex’s shit, nod and agree, then dump his sorry arse, immediately you get her. Don’t feel guilty. He can’t cope with her but is using the fact that you want her, to further control you. Play him at his own game.

Great news you are feeling settled and have built up a friendship circle already.
I definitely agree with PP who feel he could be using the dog as a form of control - and also as a way of keeping ties. You said you were thinking about what was best for the dog. Don’t. Think about what is best for YOU. This is your new life. If you end up with the dog (which he now suddenly seems keen on) it is very possible he will then need to keep visiting because he misses the dog so much. It is a way of enforcing contact, enforcing ties.
You have gained your freedom. Embrace it. Don’t choose an option that not only might restrict your new life in some way but also allow him to then pressurise you into constant contact.

he has opened up about dog care issues with me not being around and has suggested I have the dog and he speak to work about him being able to work away from the UK to spend time with us both

He is setting up some emotional blackmail. He senses that you are pulling away so he needs to reel you back in. He will insist on visiting you and the dog and will be hideously controlling about when, where, how often, etc.

Get the dog if you want but then end it, block him and be strong or you will be inviting stress into your lovely, new, calm life.

It’s over, I’ve ended it and he’s accepted it. He’s definitely using the dog as a form of control by now insisting on keeping her but saying I can always see her when I’m around.

I feel a bit sad about the relationship, probably because it was so long but I mostly feel relieved.

Keep remembering that feeling of relief if you ever have a wobble over the next few weeks., but who would have thought from your first post just before New Year to now is five months 😮 What a journey you've been on, here's to your wonderful future

Agree with all the posts and I am an animal lover....but, I so agree with @farnworth you are the priority here, yes.....above a dog.

You, your safety, your happiness, your future are the most important things here.

Delighted to hear its over.

Of course the little prick is going to try and retain some control.

Best thing is to withdraw completely.

If you can give the dog to someone who will love him, great.....

But if not, please do not allow this man to control via a dog.

You are an amazing woman who has turned your life around.

Your future with him would have been one of terrible disappointment.

Don't forget that.

You are so so brave.

Do that www.freedomprogramme.co.uk when you get a chance, continue with the therapy, and continue to move forward.

He is your past.

The charmer is only holding on to the dog to hurt you, Remember that is the person he is, If you "Grey Rock" him he will probably back down when he discovers you are not reacting, he doesn't want the dog.
Meanwhile, Congratulations, this is your new uncontrolled life.
The world us your oyster😃😃

As predicted, the dog was used as a tool to control you.

Well done for ending it. Keep yourself busy with your new life.

Keep posting, you are doing great.