I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

You are doing great.

Delighted to read it.

And that people are being so kind.

Don't forget to keep in regular contact with friends back home for chats and support.

Perhaps dont mention to your new colleagues that you are attached.

Let it be known if asked that you are single!

Say yes to as many social things as come up.

You never know when you will meet someone.

I met my husband through going to the party of my old flatmate's, colleague's friend!
My husband had just arrived into the country having worked on another continent for a couple of years.

We got to know each other as friends first.

You really never know.

Of course you are going to moments of homesickness for the familiar, but moving into your new place will be so grounding and exciting.

Mind yourself and keep posting.
So pleased for you, you are doing great.

It’s great to hear your update @LadyB156 , it sounds positive all round, especially that you’re managing any uneasiness as well - it’ll pass.

I understand your feelings about meeting someone, I know because I’ve been there. I ended a relationship when I was 31 and had no children then. I worried a lot and I wish I hadn’t because it made me settle.

The best chance you can give yourself of meeting someone is to remove focus from that as a primary aim, and concentrate on yourself and being happy and healthy. That way when you do meet someone, you’re bringing your best self to the party and you’re more likely to attract someone who treats you properly.

One certainty though… you won’t find the right one while you’re with the wrong one and this guy is clearly the wrong one. You’re obviously bright, talented and kind. It’s very unlikely you’ll be single forever unless you choose to be. 🌻

Well done, you have been through so much in a very short time. So I think you have adapted at an amazing speed.
Of course you have times when you are
Confronted with solitude. Try & use that time to do some sport, read, book something interesting for the w/e.
I too think you shouldn't say you are in a LTR, that bf will be visiting etc. You need to be considered as single.

You may want both but not get it. You can consider solo parenting by choice which removes the pressure of having to meet someone in a specific time frame?

Not very bright, unkind and no particular skills individuals find someone to be with, it is not a mandatory requirement in finding a partner. Look around the general population, are they all "special" in any way? No.

I can’t really lead with the I’m single thing as I was put on the spot and mentioned him but I don’t think that it matters that much. Eventually it will probably be a case of saying that with the distance it just wasn’t working, or something like that. I’m okay with that.

@xfan no, I don’t think so. I also couldn’t afford to raise a child on my own. Childcare costs are insane, I earn a reasonable salary but I couldn’t afford it without relocating when I return to the UK and that would mean being away from a support network.

We’re here on this thread to supoort@LadyB156 in a huge life change that she appears to be handling brilliantly.

Of course what you say is true, but then just because I said that I thought it highly likely that someone who seems bright, talented and kind, would find someone, doesn’t mean I’m saying those who aren’t those things won’t or can’t. But then I wasn’t talking about them.

@zonky perhaps a new thread with a discussion on your point would bring more active discussion but here’s not the place.

Keep going @LadyB156 💐

Thank you @Icandefinitelydothis

So you want a child with a partner because you can't afford childcare alone? Interesting. I'm sure many men will be thrilled to know they are being used financially. Plenty of people do it alone - what do you think single parents do? Sit on benefits?

I think xfan is a troll, or sommeone with a chip on their shoulder at least. Just ignore them.

Glad to hear you're doing well op :) Hope the new house is wonderful!

Thanks @katmarie I did wonder after that last comment. I did specify by saying “also”. I hadn’t realised a whole paragraph on what else I want was necessary and tbf I had actually said that earlier up thread. It just feels like a practical consideration.

I also don’t know that I want to give up hope just yet. Part of me feels that in some ways it is so common that people hit 30, or some other substantial period of relationship and then end up separating and they find someone else so there’s no reason that I won’t. I don’t actually want to be in a relationship right now, as cliche as it is, I sort of just want to find myself. Being away has opened my eyes to the fact I can do things, or I can ask people for help and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I can’t wait to get into my house, I popped by earlier today to check on a few things and it is slowly getting there. I’ve got some furniture I want to buy and although it has been cleaned I think I’m going to give it a good once over.

I was 30 when I moved abroad with my ex, 34 when I came back, single, and moved back in with my parents. I was nearly 36 when I met my husband. We have a 3 year old and a 5 year old now. Never been happier.

And one thing that going through all that crap with my ex did for me, is it made me very selective about men in the future. I went out with a couple of guys, and binned them very quickly because they showed signs of being like my ex. So I was pretty much single for a good 18 months. It was a lot of fun and I got to do stuff just for me. I travelled, focused on my job, started a degree with the OU. When DH came along I was ready to meet someone, but only if they were going to enhance my life.

Take your time, you have plenty of it I promise!

Thank you @katmarie that has made me feel a lot better.

I feel a bit lame - it’s a Friday and I have no plans for tonight. I feel so incredibly tired, someone invited me to something but I declined because I just want to watch some mind numbing TV and go to sleep. I haven’t been out socialising much this week compared to last but I suppose I have done a lot in a short space of time and I am learning a new job too which is exhausting in and of itself.

I have planned some nice things for the weekend. I’ve joined a gym which I will go to and have plans another colleague who is here on a temporary basis.

All of this change is exhausting.

Don't feel bad about wanting some peace and head space.

Self care is so important.

Slap on a face mask, pour yourself a glass of something you enjoy and tuck yourself up.

The new job, new environment, new people is a bit of sensory overload.

Why wouldn't you be shattered.

You are so young.

When I read silly posts like that @xfan I can only feel pity.

You are so young.

I have several fab friends whom met the most wonderful life partners in their 30's.

Some had children, some didn't bother, all are happy, living great lives.

Get yourself well, happy, healed.
Settle in well.
Lose the loser.
Continue with your therapist.
Heal.
Be open to new people, activities and opportunities.

See what other activities and groups like sports, culture, music, drama are nearby.

You simply never know.

Send an email looking for recommendations for a good gym, sports and other activities that staff know are good.

Rest and eat well. Hydrate.
You will soon find yourself in a very positive energetic space.

billy is spot on,
If it was me I'd dread trying to break into a new network, but you are going to manage at your own speed. Its absolutely fine to have a night in...
You can try taking a look at the facebook page of your area & see if there are any music/theatre/Exhibitions on. Take a look at getting a private guide round your town, where you learn stuff about the history & visit all the parts of town.
What would you like to do ? is it by the sea? you could swim/learn to sail/wind surf. You could see if there are any walking clubs, cycling. tennis,
I know it's hard showing up for the first meet up, but you only have that "first" once, then its easier.

I took up tennis again many years ago abroad.

It is a really fantastic game to learn for the joy, exercise, socialising, and opportunities to meet new people.

I couldn't recommend it more if you have the opportunity.

Thank you so much @billy1966 and @Mix56 there is a part of me that dreads the whole having to build a network thing but trying to see the fun in it. There is a watersports club not too far away and I’ve toyed with the idea. I actually won’t be far away from it tomorrow so maybe I should just pop in. I’m not quite sure I have faith in my tennis abilities - eye-hand co-ordination is not my forte!

Tennis is a practice game and it really repays effort.

The fun factor is enormous.

It's an all year sport too which is great.

Cross nothing out, everything is worth considering.

Yes, I rejoined an adult very amateur evening group, it took place at 7pm, by spotlight in the winter. Then we had a wee aperitif in the clubhouse, Some of the group went on for a meal sometimes.
My aim was to do some sport, but anything other than running & the gym (I already did Spinning,) & I wanted to be outside
Walking/hiking is s good idea too, as its at a speed where everyone chats !
Oh I also did coastal sea walking.. is there a name for it? Depends on the climate if course, that was also invigorating & with new people

I also joined an english speaking amateur dramatic group as a single woman and met such a lovely diverse group of interesting people.

Hill walking, hiking, coastal walking are all fantastic suggestions.

Remember, all you need is to even click with one person in a group and you will build a lovely group around you through these different activities.

You are not alone in wanting to make connections.

I did jazz dancing classes too, so enjoyable....just remembered that😁

Just a little update because I do regularly return to this thread to read all of your wonderful advice - I’ve not yet fully cut the strings, I’m working through stuff with my therapist and I’m finding it helpful. This week she told me that I don’t need to rush anything, which I found helpful and has given me some homework to start journaling. I’ve always been inconsistent with it.

I have put myself out there - I joined a running club and went to a session over the weekend followed by a coffee after. One of my colleagues had some free time so we went out for the day over the weekend. I did start feeling a bit overwhelmed with stuff yesterday but it was a beautiful day and so I sat on my balcony and read a book. I’m trying to focus on being in the moment and not to worry about too many things.

Delighted to read this, am looking out for you!😁

Great update.

Baby steps.

Well done for putting yourself out there.

Not easy,..... however, when you get into the headspace of just "fxxk it, just do it", it becomes a new positive narrative in your head.

You like and trust this therapist and she sounds great.

At YOUR pace is just fine, as is the journaling which helps you to lean really into how you are feeling as you cogitate over each word you write.

Let yourself feel the pain, examine and acknowledge it, before you accept it and put it away.

You are already healing.

Well done.

Eat, rest, hydrate and heal, .....you are on your way!👏🥳

but it was a beautiful day and so I sat on my balcony and read a book.

Just think. Only a few months ago you wouldn't have been able to do this (or felt able to). Enjoy that thought (and the peace)

@Pixiedust1234 yes, definitely! Weather and location aside, if I had spent the best part of a day just reading, there would be some sort of snide comment or judgement about how I should be doing xyz instead.

I feel very much like my cup is full after this weekend. I do need to set aside time to journal, I haven’t really done any since I left and my evenings are often busy with the gym, or going out for dinner. It’s definitely something I should prioritise. Part of me almost feels selfish but it just so freeing to be able to do what I want, without having to justify it to anyone.

@LadyB156 this is what freedom tastes like! You get to do what YOU want for as long as you want when you want!