I think it’s over, please can I have a handhold?

[LadyB156]

DP and I have been together for 9 years. Some time back, from reading MN boards and speaking to a friend I realised that he’s probably been emotionally/ verbally abusive and I’ve responded reactively with it culminating with a toxic cycle. One thing that has really brought all of this home to me is that he doesn’t behave like this in front of other people, which makes me realise that on some level he must know it’s wrong. Aside from that, we have generally rubbed along well and love each other. We have no children.

For a while now, I have felt taken for granted on top of the above, that I don’t matter. He is a higher earner and works long hours (usually from home). We both work for large organisations. A vacancy for me came up recently that would involve relocating (and included a relocation package) which I was interested in. I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn’t engage in conversation on it other than to say he wasn’t interested in relocating but if I wanted to go for it I could and I felt hurt. With my general unhappiness, I applied for it, interviewed and got the job. I didn’t tell him until after the offer because I didn’t think he really cared and my plan was to leave him and I felt that this gave me an opportunity to.

Since I told him, he has been devastated and wants to fight for me. He’s saying all the right things and recognises all he has done wrong, didn’t know I was unhappy etc. - but, crucially, says that he doesn’t want me to relocate as it couldn’t possibly work. I didn’t expect this and feel quite cut up. But I have to follow through, don’t I? An abuser doesn’t change his spots and if we have a toxic behaviour pattern is any change really going to stick?

Sorry, I’m not sure what my question is to you all. No matter how hard it is, I have to leave him and start again, don’t I?

Good luck OP, you've made the right decision for sure

Willing you over that "finishing line" OP. So nearly there. I've been following your thread since day 1 and wish you nothing but the best for your new future. It's looking great 🌞

Every good wish for the move.

Thank you for your well wishes. It has so far gone well, i am away, I’m staying in a hotel for a bit while work sort out more permanent accommodation and it’s all rather nice. He and I have been speaking and texting, probably more than we have for a while but I know I need to start to distance myself. In a way, he has been part of my life for a long time and so it’s natural to want to share things and I feel like it is giving me a bit of stability. I know that I need to end things and I will do. I’m going to discuss it with my therapist including how I do it. I think I just need to have some space and to settle.

Best wishes, OP. Spring and Summer will find you in a better place. Good luck.

You have done an amazing job getting away from this guy but now you have one more task to do:stop letting him steal your time in your new life. Every minute you spend talking or texting to him, sharing info with him, is stolen from you. Start weaning yourself from contact.

He should be paying the entire mortgage if you are not living there. Or get a lodger into the house to pay your share. Otherwise you are subsidising his lifestyle, paying for a house you don't live in that you could rent out. Good luck on your move and new role!

Delighted for you.

Well done.

Of course this is very new and familiarity is soothing.

But at your own pace, please pull away.

This is not a good man.

Tell your friends you need texting contact with them to get you through this period.

So pleased you are safe.

That's great news! Just take your time, and enjoy your new life.

Oh well done, you're away, I'm so pleased for you.

I understand the messaging him thing, it's a huge change to remove him from your life, after all this time with him. Only you can decide what's the best thing for you to do from here, but you have done the toughest things now.

Thank you so much.

I know that the right thing to do is to go ahead and end things but selfishly I just can’t quite bring myself to right now. I think it is because I am going through so much change. I am going to start communicating a bit less - I don’t really know how other than to dial back the texting for now as he does think we are doing long distance. He has also been talking about coming out for a visit but I haven’t committed to anything and I am not sure I actually want him to. On the one hand, he’s been a big part of my life and so I want to show all the fun new and exciting things but on the other hand, I think he will be quick to draw out the negatives and so on balance probably don’t want to. It makes me feel rather sad.

First day in the new job tomorrow, so just focusing on that for now and taking it each day at a time.

You have so much going on right now. You're absolutely right to focus on the job, the first few days in a new job are pretty draining anyway, without having anything else to deal with.

Give yourself time. Don't commit to anything until you are certain it's right for you.

You also need time to move in, establish your home etc. Once you've gotten into your new place and got settled and all that, you will know whether you want him coming into that space to visit you. And if you do, then you can set your boundaries in your home and make sure they are respected. And if you don't, then you will have to at some point work up the strength to tell him that. But that is a problem for another day.

Good luck for tomorrow. I have no doubt that you will be amazing.

Good luck for tomorrow

Well done OP, totally thrilled for you, you’ve done amazingly!

As others have said, focus on getting settled - you can sort the rest later. I hope all goes well with the new job today - you’ll be great.

Please think long and hard about slipping back into thinking well of him....a man who emotionally, financially and sexually abused you.

This is not a good man.

Why would you consider having him visit you?

Giving him access to your new life?

Allowing him to be a part of all that you have achieved with this move?

Please don't slip back.

You have done so well to break away from him.

Thanks for all the support. I am knackered after my first day at work! I think I’ll be sleeping all weekend at this rate.

@billy1966 for what it’s worth, I know I don’t really want him to visit me. I am not quite ready to fully let go and tell him it’s over. I feel like I’ve done so much but it hasn’t quite hit me. As I say, I plan to discuss with my therapist. I just feel a bit sad about it all, but no different to how I felt before I left. I’m also incredibly happy to be away and I’ve noticed how different my mood is without him. I’ve also noticed his changed behaviour with me being away, it is like he was back when we first dated but now I know what he is really like I won’t be lulled back. Selfishly, I feel a bit of contact just makes things a bit easier for me right now, while everything else is going on.

hope you’ve enjoyed your first day! I’m not surprised you’re shattered.

The rest will keep for now, just take one step at a time. It sounds like distance and space are helping to give you clarity, which is great. It’s bound to feel overwhelming with so much change.

I don’t think being selfish is a bad thing at all. You need to look after yourself first, it’s important. Sending hugs and best wishes. What a star you are!! ⭐️

Work hard and keep busy and distracted
well done !
don’t let him visit xxx
keep up the therapy
and well done 👍 again

That's great.

You will be exhausted starting a new job, so mind yourself and get your rest.

You do whatever you have to do to get through settling in.

Of course he will not want to lose you.

He underestimated you and realises that.

But he IS an ugly man, with an ugly core.

It would emerge again as soon as he was sure of you again.

I shudder to think how mean he would have been should you have ever gotten pregnant.

Be as selfish as you like with him.

You owe him nothing.

Delighted to read you are feeling lighter in yourself.

Exploring these issues with your therapist will be invaluable.

OP, I've followed your thread from the beginning and am delighted that you have made this move. Well done!

May I add a word of warning? I have often worked abroad, and noticed that after the initial thrill of novelty I get a sudden slump, feeling lonely and lost. It's like surfing along on a wave of excitement, and then getting dumped on a rather stony beach.

The first time it happened I thought I had made a bad mistake going there. Luckily I couldn't leave at once, and I soon got back into the swing and enjoyed myself. Since then I've noticed that's a bit of a pattern: excitement, followed by slump, then making an effort and developing realistic views, then regaining great pleasure.

So if this happens to you, be forewarned! Don't let a feeling of loneliness (or anything else that's normal when you're in a new and unfamiliar place) weaken your resolve. Don't let your ex back in! You've started a wonderful new life. Enjoy it!

This is great advice

This is great advice

Thanks, Ican. One of the good things about getting old!

I too agree with this.
Great advice and very timely!

It's very true.

Having lived abroad for years, it would have been my experience too on occasion.

I think it took me a year to really settle after a move and feel that I was home.

Sport is a great way to meet people.

Tennis is very sociable.

Definitely look at getting involved in some form of exercise to help you settle in and fill your evenings.

Exercise is a great de stresser too.

@LadyB156 I was thinking of you today, so just dropping in to say I hope you're doing ok?

Thanks for all your posts (again!).

Things have been quite hectic with learning the job, sorting out a car and accommodation but I am doing okay. It’s all coming together now - the managing agents are sorting out a few things for my new home and so I’ll stop living out of a hotel in the next week or so. I can’t wait to get into my own place and make it like a home. I’ve started to build up a network of people who aren’t quite friends yet but trying to say yes to as many things as possible. The capacity for kindness and helpfulness of people has astounded me - someone’s husband gave up some time to go and look at cars with me earlier this week and was a useful sounding board for discussing price etc. Another person I’ve met socially (a friend of a colleague) has offered to help me do things around the house.

On Monday night I felt quite sad and missed home, but when I woke up on Tuesday morning that feeling had passed. I do quite like having him there to talk to and I know I need to stop at some point but I really feel like I am juggling so much I just can’t yet. I want to be in my place and settled and have gotten a bit further with my therapist first.

I know I am making the right choices and steps but a small part of me is worried that I won’t meet anyone else and I will be single forever. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s choice, of course, but I worry I won’t meet someone who actually properly loves me and treats me well or have children and I want both of those things.