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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

366 replies

007sky · 29/12/2022 18:52

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

OP posts:
FlutterShite · 30/12/2022 00:37

KazzA182 · 29/12/2022 22:54

If you've been seeing him for awhile then talk to him about it first..don't just finish it..if you do just that you'll always be wondering what if🤔

Seriously? The 'what if's in this scenario are the stuff of nightmares.

manova366 · 30/12/2022 05:56

Good lord OP.
Your gut was telling you something, and now you have some information to back it up. What the fuck are you waiting for?
Nature gave you instincts for a reason.

If you were swimming in the ocean and spotted a shark, would you stay in the water? Hmm.... you don't know what type of shark it is. It could be a harmless nurse shark, or it could be a deadly white pointer. But it hasn't attacked you yet, so why not keep swimming and find out whether you should be afraid or not?

VisaGeezer · 30/12/2022 08:38

Ah I see the "respected professional men don't abuse women; only rough, no neck tradesmen with bad reputations" myth is alive and well.

It is that; a myth.

Professionals probably get reported a lot less because their partners think they won't be believed. There's also possibly more of a stigma to calling the police or reporting in "respectable" circles.

It took Sachi being photographed by the paparazzi strangling Nigella Lawson outdoors for anyone (including Nigella) to do anything about it. Outdoors, with people around .... Can you imagine what he was doing indoors, with noone around.n

JinglingXmasbells · 30/12/2022 09:08

I agree you should end this if you feel uncomfortable, BUT it's also relevant to know how you got this information about his past relationships.

Could you explain?

I doubt any other women would spread malicious rumours, just for fun, but you can't ever be sure that what anyone says is true unless they speak to you personally.

Is this a work colleague who's worked his way around women in the organisation?

Does he use his status to attract women?

icelollycraving · 30/12/2022 09:27

I can’t believe people are suggesting you discuss it with him. They presumably are lucky enough to have not experienced abuse.
I stand by my earlier advice of letting it fizzle out to protect yourself.
Is it that you think you’re different? Your relationship will be so different? Those warnings came to you from different sources. Keep in mind that so much abuse is not known about or discussed, if someone is known to be abusive, they probably are.

BuckarooBanzai · 30/12/2022 09:39

This is a bona fide Iron Maiden moment, Run To The Hills. I recall something in the song about a man bringing pain and misery. It's all so good in the beginning, to good to be true. Next thing you know you are barricading yourself in the bathroom and you are absolutely terrified. I think that was a time I'd over poached his egg. Seriously don't do it.

Newmum1998 · 30/12/2022 10:00

Hi OP how are you? I know this must be all quite a shock for you and you are probably still processing it. Hope you are well

beingsunny · 30/12/2022 10:13

Run!

The fact you are even considering the advice puts you three steps ahead of me, mine had a crazy abusive ex, I supported him through years of court action to gain access to his daughter, when it was over he really turned on me. I couldn't get him to leave my home, he told anyone who would listen that I was an abusive alcoholic, that I was violent, that I was codependent, that he had had to leave me eventually as I was so abusive to him.

He nearly broke me during lockdown, I had nowhere to go, no family to help me.

Don't be me, I'm out now, it's been 14 months, he stole from me, not just money and my assets but my confidence and ability to trust.

Abuse comes in many forms, it's hard to articulate to someone who hasn't experienced it.

FlissyPaps · 30/12/2022 10:55

JinglingXmasbells · 30/12/2022 09:08

I agree you should end this if you feel uncomfortable, BUT it's also relevant to know how you got this information about his past relationships.

Could you explain?

I doubt any other women would spread malicious rumours, just for fun, but you can't ever be sure that what anyone says is true unless they speak to you personally.

Is this a work colleague who's worked his way around women in the organisation?

Does he use his status to attract women?

Terrible advice. Just terrible.

ArabellaScott · 30/12/2022 11:01

beingsunny so glad you are out. Well done. Flowers

ArabellaScott · 30/12/2022 11:02

however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it

This vague feeling or sense of unease you have is your own subconscious warning you, I would imagine.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is good on our instinctive responses to danger.

shesabitofastrangeone · 30/12/2022 11:05

007sky · 29/12/2022 19:03

Thanks for the replies. I don't know the extent of this or the details therefore I don't know if any physical violence was involved.

If these sources are reliable then you should absolutely listen to them. Please be careful.

Lulabellax · 30/12/2022 11:28

OP my ex was a Senior Surgeon very popular within his community with an excellent reputation.

He had a “crazy ex”, I thought I was different because he love bombed me into thinking so. Once he’d got me pregnant the abuse started and now I am that crazy ex to his new wife. Please leave now they never change!

Soothsayer1 · 30/12/2022 12:59

My ex was incredible at the start I couldn't believe my luck
I think this speaks to one of the techniques used by abusers, although it may be done by instinct rather than a conscious thought out strategy. They target women whom they know will feel incredibly lucky that this successful handsome popular man is interested in 'little old them', it's very overwhelming and flattering when someone who seems out of your League pays you such a lot of attention. This is how they manage to bypass your normal defences with the love bombing excetera.

Yes this happens the other way round- very attractive women are able to manipulate men in this way (but they don't go on to rape and murder them)

MissHavershamReturns · 30/12/2022 13:10

Sometimes abusers act at the beginning but other abusers are people who have nice sides to their character but are damaged and therefore trapped in patterns seen from childhood.

They have choices so it’s no excuse, but my ex DP is genuinely a lovely person. He is also deeply damaged by his awful and abusive childhood where SS were involved (despite his dad working in the City and him being at a top public school).

JinglingXmasbells · 30/12/2022 13:12

@FlissyPaps If you read my post properly, I started by saying the OP was right to dump him if she was worried. I didn't give advice. I asked a question - where the info on abuse originated and if she can be sure it's genuine. Because all the women he has dated presumably must be in the same social circle, or workplace, in order for his backstory to be shared.

FlissyPaps · 30/12/2022 14:57

JinglingXmasbells · 30/12/2022 13:12

@FlissyPaps If you read my post properly, I started by saying the OP was right to dump him if she was worried. I didn't give advice. I asked a question - where the info on abuse originated and if she can be sure it's genuine. Because all the women he has dated presumably must be in the same social circle, or workplace, in order for his backstory to be shared.

I did read your post properly.

You’re advising her to ask questions to ensure it’s genuine.

There’s no point. These women and acquaintances are not going to change their story or experiences.

OP should run for the hills. Not start asking questions or investigating.

BucketofTeaMassiveCake · 30/12/2022 15:01

Abuse, as has been pointed out, doesn't have to be physical OP. Abuse is abuse, pure and simple. End the relationship now before you get reeled in.

Original poster
007sky · 30/12/2022 21:24

Thank you for your replies. I have a lot to think about. We won't be moving in together or anything like that therfore I will always have my own independence if things did take a turn for the worse.

I think someone asked above how reliable the sources are. I do know that the two sources do not know eachother and they were both about two separate relationships and the thing is that they are the only relationships I know of him being in although I'm sure he has been in more and I'm not sure how they went.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 30/12/2022 21:30

I’m disappointed to read your updated OP. Because it seems like you’re not taking this seriously and you haven’t taken anything on board. That’s worrying.

You don’t need to move in with someone for them to be abusive. You can still have independence and be a victim to abuse and domestic violence.

It’s at your own risk if you pursue the relationship. I think it’d be very irresponsible to do that, given the warnings you’ve had from real life people and the advice you’ve received on this thread.

But, I wish you well and hope you aren’t just another number in future statistics.

icelollycraving · 30/12/2022 21:30

@007sky it is great you have your own independence. What is it about this man that means you are still planning on having a relationship? Obviously you are a grown woman and will you do what you want. Others have just been giving their own experiences. Please be careful and take care.

LaLuz7 · 30/12/2022 21:38

Oh wow. You're going to look back on this day and bitterly regret it. Such a pity.

Butterfly44 · 30/12/2022 21:38

I would

  1. find out what happened
  2. look him up citing Clare's law
  3. imagine this was your sister/best friend/daughter who told you this. What would your advice be!
  4. no one knowingly goes into a relationship with an abuser. They get reeled in then it comes to light.
  5. leave. No ...run. How could you be in a relationship knowing how he treated that person (s).
TheShellBeach · 30/12/2022 21:39

You are taking a great risk and your naivete is staggering.
You just don't seem to be able to see past the man he is pretending to be.
I am horrified that you are completely disregarding the advice which 100% of the people on this thread have given you.

icelollycraving · 30/12/2022 21:44

Hopefully when it does start, you will feel you can come back for support and help.