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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

366 replies

007sky · 29/12/2022 18:52

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

OP posts:
Twen · 29/12/2022 22:49

Major🚩run and be thankful you found out!

Jennybeans401 · 29/12/2022 22:51

Claire law is good if the man in question has been reported to the police.

Many men fly under the radar because women are too frightened to report abuse. Sometimes the police can be dismissive too.

KazzA182 · 29/12/2022 22:54

If you've been seeing him for awhile then talk to him about it first..don't just finish it..if you do just that you'll always be wondering what if🤔

Fukuraptor · 29/12/2022 22:54

You don't need to wait for him to be abusive to you, or for you to be certain that the abuse happened or was bad 'enough'. You don't need to give him the opportunity to show he's changed or that things are different with you.

You can end things now.

Your time, your safety, your peace of mind and independence are worth protection.

These men steal decades, confidence, safety, they isolate and impoverish, they sometimes take lives.

More than one person has given you an enormous gift in letting you learn this before you are in the recieving end of it. Trust them, it isn't worth the risk.

Barkin2themoon · 29/12/2022 22:59

You something isn’t right , trust your instincts

Barkin2themoon · 29/12/2022 23:00

Sorry, you Know something isn’t right

Newmum1998 · 29/12/2022 23:01

KazzA182 · 29/12/2022 22:54

If you've been seeing him for awhile then talk to him about it first..don't just finish it..if you do just that you'll always be wondering what if🤔

If it’s true he’ll never EVER admit to it. He’ll say and do everything to make you believe it’s all lies. These type of guys go to court and plead guilty to abusing their partners and then turn around and tell everyone they never did anything.I’ve seen it happen.

The only time you know these men are not lying is when their lips aren’t moving. Seriously, everything that comes out of their mouth is a lie. So don’t even waste your time asking him about it. Also may not be a good idea for your own safety. If you want details I say go to the police and do a clares law check. Also please don’t let him know who told you this information as it may put them in danger.

Messyhair321 · 29/12/2022 23:09

Of the people I have known that are abusive, every one of them has been a professional. I don't think being abusive is about what someone does for a living. This sort of talk really irritates me.
That aside... I would take this information on board , I'd also consider asking him outright, he will lie but you will know if you watch his reaction.

FlowerLilyFix · 29/12/2022 23:09

A very close member of my family was incredibly upstanding member of the community. Businessman, philanthropist, helped so many people. He’s still 20 years after his death spoken of very highly.

However he abused his wife, his children (physically and withheld money from them so they lived in abject poverty). To the outside world he was a Demi god and it sickens me when I hear how people worshipped the ground he walked on. He’d do anything for others but not his own.

Get rid of him OP.

Fleurdaisy · 29/12/2022 23:16

Abusers are never abusive to start with but they do make teeny tiny slip ups and that’s what your gut instinct has recognised.
When you have evidence or witnesses from different sources it’s very, very near certain that it’s the truth.

BilliousBob · 29/12/2022 23:21

'I dont think i've ever been this attracted to anyone in my life' This sentence was a massive red flag in itself! Get away from this man.

ZeilanBlueSky · 29/12/2022 23:22

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

Yet.

It's often suggested that it takes around 2 years for the facade to slip, and abusive behaviour to come to the surface. Abusers don't start off abusive, because their victims would be off immediately.

It's the old sunk cost fallacy. After a while of being in a relationship, you feel invested and obliged to stay. And the abuse starts gradually and slowly ramps up.

My ex never actually hit me. He was really emotionally, verbally and financially abusive. To both me and eventually our kids. He also raped me and sexually abused me, stuff I've never told our now adult kids. But I think they've realised there was more to it.

I got out, with the kids, after 30 years. It's left the 3 of us damaged in different ways, although we've healed quite a bit and have a great life ahead of us.

OP, you've had warnings. Don't take the risk, and don't fall for the trap of thinking he'll change.

Bedazzled22 · 29/12/2022 23:24

Dont ignore the warning- your instinct picked something up and now you know what it is… be grateful you know now and not later …

ppure · 29/12/2022 23:26

“Well respected professional”
profession doesn’t matter, I dated a dentist who was extremely angry, controlling and abusive. (Not physically).
he used to scream at men who would glance at me in the street or if I didn’t text him back in 30 seconds he would go mad. I think he took steroids or some kind of gym rage supplement.

WinterFoxes · 29/12/2022 23:29

FlowerLilyFix · 29/12/2022 23:09

A very close member of my family was incredibly upstanding member of the community. Businessman, philanthropist, helped so many people. He’s still 20 years after his death spoken of very highly.

However he abused his wife, his children (physically and withheld money from them so they lived in abject poverty). To the outside world he was a Demi god and it sickens me when I hear how people worshipped the ground he walked on. He’d do anything for others but not his own.

Get rid of him OP.

This is so common. Whenever I meet a perfect specimen of the community I always check whether their wife and children seem happy or dowdy and serious and over eager to please. Ihave met too many 'God-like' men who are controlling bullies behind closed doors.

catfunk · 29/12/2022 23:31

Do you even need to ask?!

OldFan · 29/12/2022 23:32

Wow no, just be 'busy' in future OP. As PP's said, he hasn't been abusive to you yet. There might well be other red flags if you think about it though.

Most abusers aren't ever prosecuted. A lot go into roles where they have responsibility, so people trust them more and they have more opportunity to abuse. My abusive ex was a therapist (not mine.)

FuntCase · 29/12/2022 23:38

He has never been abusive to me.
He wasn’t abusive to his victims either until he was.

This is a massive red flag slapping you in the face. Pay attention to it!!

Twinkler78 · 29/12/2022 23:46

if you’re sure your sources are right, end it now before you find it too difficult. I’ve been in this situation and the longer you leave it the more excuses you’ll make to yourself. Look at it from the perspective of you giving someone your advice on this - what would you tell them?

LemonBounce · 29/12/2022 23:48

Leave now and don't waste your time on him. It's not worth the risk of getting caught in the relationship longer term and more invested.

TheShellBeach · 29/12/2022 23:51

I worked with a woman whose husband was a vicar and he broke her jaw.
I knew a woman whose husband was a dentist and he broke her arm.
My friend was married to a police officer who regularly gave her black eyes.
And a doctor I worked with murdered his wife.

A man's professional status is irrelevant, OP. You're being naive and blinkered.

TheShellBeach · 29/12/2022 23:53

You're so lucky to have had these warnings, OP. Please take them seriously and run for the hills.

ChickenBurgers · 29/12/2022 23:54

Abusive relationships don’t tend to start abusive, they generally progress into abusive relationships. Cut ties.

Newdawnfreedom · 30/12/2022 00:25

Get out as fast as you can and before it gets too difficult.
The fall out from abusive relationships is horrendous and can take years of your life. As many on here can unfortunately attest.
The initial love bombing phase can last a year or more and shows little of what is to come. So easy to get sucked in and so hard to get out.

Tanktanktank · 30/12/2022 00:36

Uninterestedfamily · 29/12/2022 18:54

I would avoid. They are often charming and lovely until they've reeled you in. Why take the risk?

This.
run!
experienced this myself.