Found something put about a man I'm really into... wwyd?

[007sky]

We have been dating for a while and I don't think I've ever been this attracted to someone. He ticks every box however I've always thought there's something about him but could never put my finger on it.

I have recently found out that he has been abusive in previous relationships. This information has not come from just one source. Not sure if this is relevant but he Is a respected professional. Very conflicting I know.

What would your thoughts/feeling be about continuing to see him? He has never been abusive to me.

My ex is a respected pillar of the community too.

He still raped me, violently in front of our then one year old.

If it’s from multiple sources I’d be inclined to believe it and immediately end things, if he’s abusive to one he’s abusive to all.

Some time ago there was a similar thread where the man was a medic and the woman was a nurse (or similar HCP) and they met at work. There was also an age-gap.

I wonder if this is the case here @007sky and your colleagues (or their friends) are the ones telling you about him?

IME this is exactly how abusers behave, the very picture of charisma, sexual chemistry and charm. Don't get hooked if you've heard this from a reliable source. Save yourself the heartbreak.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through@Lachimolala 🙏I hope you're doing ok.

What or who are the sources? Are they likely to be accurate? Can you find out more? What is "off" about him?

Assuming you have good reason to believe these sources and it matches your own intuition that something is off (perhaps you feel he's not being his true self?) then the very sensible thing would be to end the relationship in as quick and undramatic a way as possible. Serious abuse is not just physical, serious abuse can come from anyone.

Honestly even if the sources are shit I'd distance myself until I could find out more and make an informed decision.

I echo everyone else I’m afraid OP. Especially @GatoradeMeBitch: “Being a respected professional just means that if there ever is an incident between you, you will be less likely to be believed.” I was seriously physically abused a few years ago by a high flying lawyer who I thought I knew very well. I thought he loved me. It literally came out of the blue. On the night he snapped out of charming mode and attacked me he actually got in first and called the police and very calmly and convincingly told them I was violent and out of control. I was, unbelievably, arrested. They did eventually work out, when the bruises started to show a couple of hours later, that they’d been fooled by a charming professional (who wouldn’t believe a handsome lawyer?) and later talked to me about pressing charges but I never did, I could see exactly how it would play out. I got away and blocked on everything, but it was the worst and one of the most defining experiences of my life. If your instincts and good sources are tallying, listen to them for goodness sake. I wish I’d had some warning.

"Professional" means nothing - it just means you get paid for what you do. It doesn't mean you have good morals or any other virtues at all!

If this is not just gossip and it has a ring of truth about it - get rid of him FFS don't hesitate! Why do you think you would be treated any differently to the others?

🚩🚩🚩

Run! My ex was incredible at the start I couldn't believe my luck. Then I heard rumours but not directly from the source. I chose to ignore because it wasn't really a reliable source either. I also couldn't believe this amazing man would ever be abusive. Wellllllll I made a huge mistake and the abuse started when I was too far in to listen to advice. It started so subtly. The mask then came off. Never physically hit me but the mental and emotional abuse was torture. I'd rather he hit me. I am out of it now but still healing. I can't even think of going near another man yet. He shattered my confidence and broke me as a woman. Please end it. No one ever starts off abusive

I'm sure you're not thick. Advice is for those who take it.. You've seen the advice on here... Endit Endit Endit.. Don't start it.. Looks and professionalism seem to be turning your head.. END . IT !!

PP is right. This warning is a gift.

Good luck to all who have left or are planning to leave abusive relationships. It takes strength and guts.

What type of violence would be acceptable to you then? He had probably never been violent to the other women when they first dated him either. You are being forewarned. Take notice of it. The very fact you always knew there was something about him you couldn't quite put your finger on was your gut instinct trying to tell you something because you had picked up on unconscious signals. Ignore that gut feeling at your peril.

Now I'd leave, but I'm older and wiser than my dumbass 20/30 year old self when I'd be thinking he won't be like that with me!

Def run if the source is reliable.

Abusive behaviour cannot be corrected without extensive counselling and even then....

Be wise listen to your gut instinct or suffer the consequences

From someone who knows never ever settle for second best

The end. Obviously.

These type of men always do tick every box at the start and then they change and show their true colours . Be careful he’s not love bombing you.

Unfortunately I was in an abusive relationship and i didn’t find out he was known to police for abusing his ex girlfriend until after I had a child with him and I had to go to the police myself to report his abuse towards me. Everything he did to his EX he did to me. He ticked every box at the start of our relationship as well. I wish I had known then what I know now.

These men never change. Please save yourself and RUN. There really are plenty more fish in the sea. You will find someone else if that’s what you want. Don’t stay and take the risk, he will do the same to you.

Lachimolala , and to all women on the thread who've suffered abuse and assault.

Does 'respected professional' mean a job with power - i.e police officer, firefighter... sometimes those that are drawn to jobs with power can also be abusive either in their jobs or at home.. (of course not always!)
If I was told this information, I would end the relationship.

Also even if he wasn’t violent that doesn’t mea he’s not a dangerous man. Abusive men aren’t always violent and even when they have been violent they aren’t always violent in every relationship they’re in. Plus loads of women who have been in violent relationships say the violence wasn’t the worst part and the emotional abuse was way worse.

Any kind of abuse should be taken seriously. My EX destroyed my life with his abuse and he was never really violent to me.

Just to add to this I had the same gut instinct as you when I first met my EX that something wasn’t quite right and I ignored it because I thought he was just so great in a lot of ways. Sadly I didn’t listen to my gut and believe me I’ve dealt with the consequences.

A clares law check would be useful for this reason. It’s verify if the allegations are true and the police could tell you more details about what happened.

I have sent you a PM. Hoping I might be able to help.

My advice would be to very carefully end it and don’t tell him why or expose the brave people who have shared this information.

I would end it. I once met a woman who escaped a long term abusive relationship with a man who was high up in the police. He'd broken her jaw, given her black eyes and battered her emotionally and physically in every way. He was the nicest person to everyone else.