Coming to terms that I will never been in a relationship again

[simplefree]

I had no problems getting into relationships when I was younger - and I have been married and divorced twice - I am 45 now, turning 46 in a few months and I am giving up. It is somewhat sad to admit I have no more hope but it is also liberating. However I love watching movies and when there is a good love story in them, I have to be careful to let it affect me negatively.

I am considered attractive, people don't believe my age. I am self sufficient and low maintenance. I've been working on my social and relationship skills for ages and I am very comfortable with who I am now. But it is not happening - meeting someone I can be attracted to and vice versa. And I am in London!

I finally gave up on the apps this summer - I just don't enjoy using them. I gave it a shot for a few years and have been in all of them.

I don't go out a lot but 2022 was a very complicated year. I plan to enjoy myself more in 2023 - if something happens, if I meet someone, it will have to be in the old fashioned natural way.

I am transitioning to grey hair. Had enough of colouring every 3/4 weeks. I am having a haircut end of this week. I plan to upgrade my wardrobe a little even though I am a minimalist. It is all for me. I spent years and years seeking and I am tired.

My 2nd separation / divorce was in 2014. I had a 3 months fling, then a 9 months relationship then a 2 months fling since. The last one was the shortest but most magical ever but the end - not initiated by me - brought me to my knees - this was 2019. After that I tried hard but the belief is lost.

This is just a vent and a declaration of freedom from wanting or waiting from now. Going into 2023 with only my love for me. That should be enough. I will get romance from books or the TV.

I'm 41 and with a young ds1. I too am coming to terms that it is unlikely that I will be in a relationship again. I feel that my age as well as having a young child late has changed my circumstances and my belief around relationships. Like the poster mentioned @simplefree I too use to get into relationships relatively easily in my 20s and 30s (I used to joke how I used to beat them off with a stick), and these were attractive, eligible men with a lot for them. I've been on several coffee dates since having my son but the attraction is just not there (sometimes for me, sometimes for them, or both). It feels pointless now as in, was I only ever interested in these men because I wanted a child (family) and now that I have that, dating and putting up with substandard and undesirable circumstances feels like a massive compromise? I'm not excited by the men I've met so far, they all seemed fatigued, jaded and like too much work for not a lot in return, unless you want to settle and are desperate for the "conventional". I want to fancy someone and them fancy me back and not some sort of option because they can't do better.

My plan is to expand my friendships and explore different interests/hobbies and put dating at the back of my mind. Sure, you never know what will happen, but I'd rather manage my expectations realistically than continue to "hope".

I don;t understand this attitude. You sound fantastic - inside and out, OP. But you also sound as if you;d like a relationship woth someone worth having one with. I agree with stopping the wastes of space on OLD but if you keep enjoying life, getting out and engaging with the world, why would you not stay open to the possibility that you might meet someone? I know lots of people who met their partners later in life than 46 and are very happy together.

All of my friends live far from me and are partnered up -

For me it is a fine line between being open and living in hope

I spent many years - and it got very intense from my disappointment in 2019 - following a lot of dating coaches, participating in "manifesting you ideal partner" and "getting him back" programmes, healing childhood wounds, working on my 'feminine energy', learning attraction techniques, studying and understanding "how men think" and spending a lot of time practising everything I was learning with random men on the apps and even going on dates with men I knew was not my type or suitable for me just for the sake of being open and willing and collecting data, and working on my triggers and practicing flirting / communication etc etc etc - to prove to the "Universe" that I am ready and deserving

While at the same time knowing that in the past I never needed any of the gimmicks above - but I was also much less discerning and it made finding men I liked easier

And that is why I don't want to have hope - hope made me engage in the actions mentioned above - I can still be open but only for the right men in the right circumstances - I sure won't be looking / searching / waiting

Wow - who is running those programmes INCELs?

They look dangerous and submissive would IMHO totally drag you into the weeds with the wrong type.

Also it’s fake and inauthentic.

Be you. Be even more of you.

That’s unique and powerful and will build inner peace and attract better like minded friends one who will enrich your life emotionally.

Yeh, I realised I wasn't clicking on articles like how to be more attractive to men, how to read him, how not to scare him off.. blah blah blah. Couldn't care less what men want. Couldn't care less what men think.
Yes 😅 I'm single.

Im 54, a widow since 49. Met up with an old flame a year after my husband passed. Its been drifting along for 4 years. Live 2 hours away me making all the effort. Hes never once come here. No sex and he has lots of issues.

I lost my father beginning of November suddenly and even then he didnt come to see me when i really needed him. The issues have not been addressed in 4 years of promises they will be.

Its more like a friendship, only see each other once a month if that. Think it was intitially a distraction from my grief. Having a serious rethink.

Have breifly tried online dating but its not for me, being messed about by men who are really only interested in sex but string you along. Nope

I think what I miss most about not having a partner is the snuggles, the hugs - sex I can do without quite easily. Also the sharing of an opinion/ someone to bounce ideas off whether its what film/TV programme to watch or what sofa to buy or what colour to paint the walls or what to have to eat! Those decisions are ALL on me now and sometimes I would love another adult to make that decision for me . Having said that, when I was married my ex used to have me make all the actual decisions and apparently hated them all (admitted when we split) but at the time it was nice to feel as though someone else was helping me choose!

Some of the coaches are men, some women, some couples
There are loads - so many
Really preying on all the single/separated/divorced/widowed - sad but hopeful, romantic women out there

It is a rabbit hole

Thank god I am now out

That’s shocking - there are always sharks/vultures out there looking for opportunities to swoop in to exploit and monetise another’s vulnerability.

Same happens with cancer - always someone selling snake oil when people are at their most desperate.

I don't get this attitude of women writing themselves off, you can live a good life single or partnered, l have lived both, and you can be happily single whi!st still open to the possibility of meeting someone.
live your best life no matter what, that's what l do and it naturally attracts and draws people to you.
lose the victim mode, being single is not a form of punishment, it can be a beautiful time of self love and growth, go full out, when things don't work out, draw a line and change direction.
I am 54, l love who l am, that's more important than wanting approval of others. I have male friends, still get asked out, l meet people naturally whilst out and about and at work. I will never write myself off, it's not in my nature. Be open to new possibilities, meeting new people, male and female and learning new things, makes for a more interesting life.

Everything seems much easier if you have friends instead I'm alone with only my thoughts

@VSB77

That's true, ether a good support network of friends or family preferably both, which is why having a partner alone isn't enough to curb loneliness and isolation usually.

I really admire and envy women who simply don't want or need a relationship. I know my husband is leaving as soon as his property is sorted out and I am having endless panic attacks about how I will cope emotionally and financially. I stupidly gave up my career to help him his start his business, I let my hard earned qualifications lapse by not keeping up my CPD and registration. I am now depending on cleaning to try and keep afloat when he leaves. I trusted we would always be together. I feel a bit scared of men, and their motivations for relationships. How would we know if the man had been abusive to exes or had a bad past. They seem so good at keeping secrets. I know my husband lied when he told me he loved me, that all the beautiful cards he gave were full of bullshit. It seems such a coincidence that a few weeks after he got his private pension he decided to leave. Was he waiting for years to do this, I have no idea and the worst bit is that I still love him. When does the anger and inner peace and strength kick in.. I need it now

As long as this is what you want, and not because you feel this is the way life has to be now.
Firstly you're still young and connections happen at any age.
A proper serious live-in relationship doesn't have to be the goal.. just someone to date every now and then, someone to message, occasional sex.

If you genuinely don't want to ever be touched "like that" again then it's all good. But if you do.. and just feel it's not possible.. then you are being negative.
I couldn't imagine feeling like that at 46! The age when women are in their prime.

I have no plans of marrying or living together again but someone to date every now and then / to message sometimes and have occasional sex is exactly what I don't want...If I wanted those things that would be easy.

I want a strong and real partnership - monogamous - with a man who is emotionally, physically, mentally healthy and available - a true connection of hearts based on honesty, integrity and love. This is rare - - even with people who are in relationships.

I get you. Well that is rare for any of us regardless of age.

Hi, I had to reread your post thinking it was one of my old ones! Even to the point of the most recent partner making you lose hope. Totally agree, there's a huge difference between those of 35 and 45. I'd class myself and several single friends as decent looking, solvent but I've become the last of my social group to lose that hope of that happy relationship. Every man of my age is looking for an 'adventure' or ethically non monogamous. Anyone older seem to have really let themselves go (and I'm not even that picky!). After my last relationship ended, I just gave up on it all. And I feel a lot less sad about it all.

@butterflyandbees
"How would we know if a man had been abusive to exes or had a bad past"
Absolutely spot on. I have trust issues too. My situation was I left when in receipt of a private pension, the reverse of your experience, but I had planned my escape for 2 years, as my ex had the house valued on my birthday, to unsettle me, as he knew my achilles heel was my security. Like your DH, he used to send cards with loving essays on them, to reel me in, but the last 18 months I used the greyrock approach I have read about here on MN, and he was baffled.
Just think to yourself that you deserve better, you know this. Best wishes

I'm a professional with great colleagues but I don't have friends who I can call and vent to. Before this relationship I was married for 18 years to a man who wouldn't let me have friends and now at 45 I am terribly bored at times.

Every stage has different of loss and heartbreak is defined by how we handle it I cried for almost 8 days straight holding it together for work Now I'm angry, Im using it to get proactive I feel he stole my hopes and dreams so I need to find new ones I have signed up to volunteer in Greece January 2024 seems miles off but its a goal to keep me going on bad days