Coming to terms that I will never been in a relationship again

[simplefree]

I had no problems getting into relationships when I was younger - and I have been married and divorced twice - I am 45 now, turning 46 in a few months and I am giving up. It is somewhat sad to admit I have no more hope but it is also liberating. However I love watching movies and when there is a good love story in them, I have to be careful to let it affect me negatively.

I am considered attractive, people don't believe my age. I am self sufficient and low maintenance. I've been working on my social and relationship skills for ages and I am very comfortable with who I am now. But it is not happening - meeting someone I can be attracted to and vice versa. And I am in London!

I finally gave up on the apps this summer - I just don't enjoy using them. I gave it a shot for a few years and have been in all of them.

I don't go out a lot but 2022 was a very complicated year. I plan to enjoy myself more in 2023 - if something happens, if I meet someone, it will have to be in the old fashioned natural way.

I am transitioning to grey hair. Had enough of colouring every 3/4 weeks. I am having a haircut end of this week. I plan to upgrade my wardrobe a little even though I am a minimalist. It is all for me. I spent years and years seeking and I am tired.

My 2nd separation / divorce was in 2014. I had a 3 months fling, then a 9 months relationship then a 2 months fling since. The last one was the shortest but most magical ever but the end - not initiated by me - brought me to my knees - this was 2019. After that I tried hard but the belief is lost.

This is just a vent and a declaration of freedom from wanting or waiting from now. Going into 2023 with only my love for me. That should be enough. I will get romance from books or the TV.

I’m 53, divorced from 20 yr marriage in 2015, single for 18 months then met someone who I was with until he died in November. Have decided I’m not having another relationship as it hurts too much when they end however that may be.

I see
I am not a native speaker, that is why - maybe the title doesn't read how I think it does in my head

I totally understand and I am sorry to hear about your last experience

My last date was off a dating app, he was good looking, intelligent, funny

We met and clicked - a lot in common - but he spent a lot of time bitching about his ex wife and talking about his ex girlfriend, there was still some feelings for her I guess

He said he was super attracted to me and wanted to talk a lot about sex - even asked what I do for sex since I am single...what?

He said good bye promising a second date, fired some random texts and then disappeared - I still wanted some kind of connection since our daughters at the exact same age are going through the exact same struggles and I thought we could at least build a friendship and support each other - but no -

I think me saying that I need emotional connection and some kind of relationship before jumping in bed with a man made him give up

Or maybe he gone back to his ex GF

@blobby10
You last beau, was his initial R ? He could have been my ex who also died in November. Anyway it's the single life for me from now on.

Almost 47 been single and not actively dating since the pandemic, even before then I dated a bit here and there without success.
I fear I’m now objectively undateable! On paper I’m good news but I don’t have the looks or figure to match. A legacy of being told as a teenager and more recently that I was too big and if I was slimmer I’d have a boyfriend no problem (thanks mum and dad!)
I know it’s a dangerous mindset to have but I can’t seem to shake it. Quite sad about it actually

What’s the dynamic of dating when older?

Are many of the guys available just looking to date short term?

Are many of the guys available socially / emotionally stunted?

Are many of the guys available rejected abusers?

Do women up their expectations from their 20s (rightly) and now won’t settle for anything less that an adult and emotionally equal relationship?

Or is it “just” a numbers game - there are less men available vs women or a quality / mis-matched expectations game?

Are there men on sites talking about how they find it impossible to meet the one for a long term committed relationship?

All of those. From my perspective, as I get older I am way less tolerant and much more likely to see red flags. This then obviously filters out lots of the men on the apps. I also wonder if the really good guys don't use the apps (but I'm sure there are some exceptions). For me, its not worth wading through all the sh*t in the hope that there might be someone half decent.

I agree with @anotherdisaster. Men on the apps either are so intense because once they have gotten to third or fourth date stage they think they are onto a winner. Or they are so used to being knocked back they don’t really make the effort, maybe self preservation on their part?

I used to enjoy the chatting and dating stage 9/10 years ago, but either now I just don’t have the heart for it.

@simplefree i can’t help sensing you feel sad about this though, you seem to want love in your life in some form. Maybe I’m projecting. Regardless, I think your attitude is great and you will have a wonderful 2023 with that approach. I have given up on romance and love for my own reasons too and it has been liberating and sad in equal measure for me and I’ve accepted the sadness as much as the liberation as just something I might not ever have in life.

That said, no matter your age or situation in life, connections form all the time and you really do never know when that can happen. For what it’s worth 46 is young and there’s masses of time for love to come your way.

I'm 55 and have been single for 10 years. Not a single date or whiff of male attention in that time. I'm actually very happy being single. And very happy being a single mum. I do wonder what will happen when DD leaves home... sometimes I panic but mostly I'm excited about the next chapter.

Most women had the drive to find partners, escalate relationships in order to get children and be married when younger. Once that's been done, the drive to pursue relationships isn't the same and you're less likely to put up with substandard relationships, either for the fear of making another mistake or simply you don't need an upheaval to your children. Ageism is rife too so it may have seemed easier to get relationships when younger (and it probably was for most) which is why now it is more difficult to meet someone.

@Shallysally @anotherdisaster

Agree with your points especially about the me getting intense usually because they never actually get any dates or have had few relationships in general so they ramp it up and put all their eggs in one basket.

A man from OLD who I was chatting to explained how he doesn't see it an issue that he is still living with his spouse (no date confirmed for either of them to move out) because the women on OLD should 'adapt' to his circumstances. The audacity of presumption and arrogance is unreal. I said women still have more choices (even if they are substandard) in comparison to men, and really anyone who has gone through separation/divorce will most likely avoid a complicated life.

I met dp at 46, it was a paid for old not the basic apps. Just clicked. I would say get on with having a good life but you never know when a relationship may come along. If you do wish to actively pursue dating again, consider subscribing to a website eg I paid (4 years ago) £120 for 6 months, there's far fewer people on them but they are serious enough to pay. Also another thought, my friend met her now husband aged 50 on a singles table on a cruise, she was the youngest on the table (most were late 60's early 70's women) but there were 3 men, 2 late 60's and her now husband who was 57 and a widower (of 4 years) with kids aged 19&22 who had paid for the cruise to get him out of their hair (he fussed over them too much apparently, in a nice way) anyway by the end of the 2 weeks they didn't need two cabins

I felt exactly like this 1 year ago. I’d been single for 5-6 years. I was 35 and I got to the point I’d given up and started looking into having kids by myself. I remember last nye, looking around at all the couples and feeling sad that I wouldn’t have a partner like that for a long time if I went down the single mum route but knowing I could wait no longer.

7 days later I met my partner. It was an instant ‘oh so THIS is my person.’ We moved in together in July, he proposed a month ago and we just had a positive pregnancy test this morning!!. I’d given up completely. I never imagined I’d meet someone so soon and for all the jigsaw pieces to fit together so neatly and so quickly.

I hope you’ll be telling a similar story 1 year from now!

I met by 2nd DH at 43. Married at 45. I was single for 6 years between husbands.

Being 35 and 45 isn't the same. You were still 'young' and fertility is a huge selling point even to the men who claim they don't want children. I'm not sure the poster could b telling a similar story as at 46 the likelihood of conceiving and staying pregnant are less than 1% that's even if she wanted to marry or have children.

I'm not closing the door on future romance or FWB, just hitting pause.

I think this is the best advice. Don't give up on anything but don't put yourself under pressure to be in a relationship. Working great for me!

My point isn’t about getting pregnant - she doesn’t mention that. It’s a story about being convinced you won’t meet someone (which is a feeling that can happen and is valid at any point) and life throwing something different your way. I’m hoping it gives the op a little hope that things can change in the blink of an eye. Maybe it’ll be a partner or maybe it’ll be a different perspective. Life has a habit of sending curveballs we don’t expect and often they are good curveballs!
Many of my close friends met their other halves in their 40’s/50’s.

Yet another pointless post - it doesn't come across that the op is wanting wishful stories which may happen but rather is dealing with the potential acceptance of not having another relationship again. We all know that it CAN happen...

It is loads easier to meet someone at 35 than 45. It just gets more difficult with age.

I have seen a noticeable drop off in interest from men as I reached 50 compared to 45 as well. Once you're 50 interest only comes from men young enough to be your son (who want a quick shag) and men of retirement age (who want a carer). Men your own age are chasing 40 somethings, sometimes even 30 somethings.

''@Ticketyboots
What’s the dynamic of dating when older?

Are many of the guys available just looking to date short term?

Are many of the guys available socially / emotionally stunted?

Are many of the guys available rejected abusers?

Do women up their expectations from their 20s (rightly) and now won’t settle for anything less that an adult and emotionally equal relationship?

Or is it “just” a numbers game - there are less men available vs women or a quality / mis-matched expectations game?

Are there men on sites talking about how they find it impossible to meet the one for a long term committed relationship?''

All of this really.

I found a lot of the middle-aged men on these sites incredibly emotionally immature and that demographic seems to still hold a lot of sexist views.

There were too many casual sex seekers and open relationship advocates for my liking and not enough men who are genuinely able to sustain long term committed relationship where you are seen as an equal partner rather than a sex doll...

And unfortunately I did meet someone on there who although charming and intelligent at the beginning turned out to be an abuser.

I found online dating rather soulless in general. I did meet a couple of genuinely decent men but was not attracted to them so that did not go far in the end. But at least it is a sign that there are some decent guys as well, but I would say they are the minority on dating sites in that age bracket.

Also a lot of men in their 50s/40s somehow think they deserve to be dating women in their 20s and early 30s although they only have basic looks and levels of fitness themselves.

Frankly I found the whole thing depressing and I am much happier away from dating.

Thank you @Almostwelsh @Greenfairydust for more balanced perspectives.

despite what fashion tries to make us believe - some men actually prefer a woman with a full figure

from my experience, the men on the apps are emotionally unavailable - could be any reason - but I am looking for men at my age range and above and if they are single and always have been single it is probably because they don't know how or don't want to 'do relationships'

the ones that are separated I discard straight away

the ones that are divorced are either burned and just looking for fun or with unresolved baggage

Some of the men just want attention and ego strokes

Not to mention the scammers

I don't look for younger so can't comment on those

yes it is sad and I am sad but it is better to accept the reality of the present moving forward and not have any dreams - if it happens then it happens