Coming to terms that I will never been in a relationship again

[simplefree]

I had no problems getting into relationships when I was younger - and I have been married and divorced twice - I am 45 now, turning 46 in a few months and I am giving up. It is somewhat sad to admit I have no more hope but it is also liberating. However I love watching movies and when there is a good love story in them, I have to be careful to let it affect me negatively.

I am considered attractive, people don't believe my age. I am self sufficient and low maintenance. I've been working on my social and relationship skills for ages and I am very comfortable with who I am now. But it is not happening - meeting someone I can be attracted to and vice versa. And I am in London!

I finally gave up on the apps this summer - I just don't enjoy using them. I gave it a shot for a few years and have been in all of them.

I don't go out a lot but 2022 was a very complicated year. I plan to enjoy myself more in 2023 - if something happens, if I meet someone, it will have to be in the old fashioned natural way.

I am transitioning to grey hair. Had enough of colouring every 3/4 weeks. I am having a haircut end of this week. I plan to upgrade my wardrobe a little even though I am a minimalist. It is all for me. I spent years and years seeking and I am tired.

My 2nd separation / divorce was in 2014. I had a 3 months fling, then a 9 months relationship then a 2 months fling since. The last one was the shortest but most magical ever but the end - not initiated by me - brought me to my knees - this was 2019. After that I tried hard but the belief is lost.

This is just a vent and a declaration of freedom from wanting or waiting from now. Going into 2023 with only my love for me. That should be enough. I will get romance from books or the TV.

So true

I met a man who was 2 years older than me
During the date she said everyone who he dated after divorce was in their 30s, so ten years younger than him. Why was he dating me then? I've never lied my age.

Another one was 53. On our 2nd date he told me the story of how his 20 something years old ex-GF showed up out of the blue the night before asking for favours - spent the night at his house (apparently nothing happened haha) and was back home as we were having our date...riiiiiiight

TBH when I was younger I had less self awareness and didn't know exactly what I was looking for. Now that I will not settle for BS it does make finding a man more difficult. When you are married you overlook so much and work so hard to overcome challenges and to accept your partner's habits and mindset that is not in agreement with yours - but when it is only dating it too much of hard work especially if you don't see a clear outcome in the future.

I'll never have a relationship again but I dont see it as being all that sad. I'm only 52 but gave a while back.
I did online dating and realised the fruitlessness of looking. Never again.

I don't know why it is expected of women to announce their wish/ reasons for being single ?! Who's business is it
I also hate peoples silly stories " oh my sisters neighbours best friend met the love of their life at 55"" ....and?
There's someone for everyone- lol who really thinks that
I'm a single mum who is actually relieved to never date/ be in a relationship again and no one would dare say these silly things to me in real life

I have a wonderful full time job , lots of friends and a big travel bucket list I'm working my way through. I also have a fantastic little boy , I can't help but think a man would just be a hindrance!

Congratulations! That is what I mean - meeting naturally, things flowing effortlessly.

I already have one child and don't want another one so that bridge is crossed already, I think Leanne0333 meant finding someone after you decide to stop looking and is moving on from hope

I'm in a very similar situation to you op, I'm 50.

I split with last long term partner in 2018 and despite everyone telling me I wouldn't be single long - here I am !
I was on dating apps but have stopped looking.
Sadly this year I've had a few niggly health issues (athritis, ) and I've gained weight (a stone !) which has affected my confidence too. I suddenly feel quite old . My ankles swell . My knee swells and hurts. I'm struggling to exercise. I'm menopausal. I dont feel I have much to offer , and certainly the men my age on apps are single for a reason! (If I get one more dick pic or picture of some flabby middle aged man topless reclining on a bed I swear to god I'm going to scream )
So . Single it is ! And you know what ? This year I spent Xmas day with my friend , and it was fab!
My kids came over boxing day and that was fab .
I've decided it's not so bad . It's certainly preferable to being in a bad relationship!

I could have written this post OP, and I feel your sadness. It's grief, for a path not taken and life not turning out how you wanted, which is hard (and yeah yeah, we all know that zillionaire stud who is age appropriate, sexually compatible and without much baggage could be just around the corner to go and live happily ever after, blah blah).

And maybe the zillionaire will happen, but I think it's better to be realistic and look at life now. I think the trick is to dive further into how you want your life to be now you're stripping out the expectations that there will be a partner. You've started with the grey hair transition - what else is there? Do you still sleep on one side of the bed - time to move to the middle. There will be lots of things, big and little now your perception is changing. Get your entire life exactly how you want it and you definitely won't be bitter.

I am 45. Divorced twice, 1ds aged 4. Lone parent with full time job. Left in 2020 and I have no plans (even if it was possible) to date. I work, we have fun at the weekends with family and friends. The only time I miss is having someone to chat to after 7pm when my child goes to bed but a friend would work equally well.
It's taken a long time to realise being alone is quite fun.
I do get frustrated that single women are always assumed to be after other peoples men. I work in a male environment and am used to chatting to blokes without flirting but I still get judged as if I am socially.
We should be teaching that single life is perfectly acceptable.

I’m loving my single life no running around after a man whose grumpy. The difference to my mental health and weight has been amazing I’m no beauty never have been never will be but happy in myself.

I do believe there are fewer well adjusted men than women.

If you look at the gender stats on violent crime, non violent crime, sex crime Inc child sex abuse; what they are like at the thin end of the edge is obvious. So why would it not be similar at the thick end of the wedge?

They are apparently more likely to be sociopaths and narcissists, they have more if their brain dedicated to sexual pursuit. They are also socialised into toxic masculinity, but it's not like that needs much socialising. It's what's in there coming out.

I've also never seen anything approaching the number of controlling, pathologically jealous, territorial women in relationships as there are men. So much hypocrisy in their sexual attitudes too.

The incels and red pillers moan on about female hypergamy, while ignoring that many men seem to default to polygyny of they have the slightest opportunity of power.

*If they have the slightest opportunity or power.

The fact that there is a huge sex industry with men buying sex from women (and men); often young enough to be their offspring .....

And no real female equivalent; says a lot.

My husband has decided to leave me I am late 50's, no children and I can't imagine how my life will be when he leaves. I am so distraught as I still love him deeply. We met online 16 years ago, after I had lots of bad dating experiences and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to find him. I can't imagine dating again, I can't imagine anyone replacing him and yet I can't bear the thought of always being lonely and not having him in my life. I am in such a bad place, online dating was hard 16 years ago and I don't hear much to recommend it now. I envy you all who have great careers and families and don't want a man again.

So many great posts on here including the OP.
I’m almost 56 and done with men/dating.
I’m have great relationships with my adult kids and lots of lovely friends. I used to think it would be nice to have someone to do ‘things with’, but nowadays if I can’t find a friend to come with, I do it anyway, on my own.
I find that the dating apps are absolutely soul destroying. I’ve taken myself off all of them, and I definitely won’t pay/subscribe ever again.
Since my divorce, I’ve had two relationships. Both had issues, one was a raging alcoholic abuser, and one used me to make his ex jealous, then dumped me when it had the desired effect.
I have often wondered that it would be lovely to live in an all female commune in a beautiful country house. All supporting and helping one another. That would be the perfect scenario in the future!

@VisaGeezer

Got any studies or research you can refer us to to back up the points you made?

yes it is sad and I am sad but it is better to accept the reality of the present moving forward and not have any dreams - if it happens then it happens

I get where you're coming from with this @simplefree. I decided just over a year ago that I was finished with dating after the last idiot overstepped my boundaries for the last time. I'm 55, widowed for several years.

I've been on the dating sites myself over the years (where else would I meet someone?!) but my various dalliances have fizzled out for a variety of reasons.

I just felt/feel that I had come to the end of the road with dating. I'd tried, and it hadn't worked. Whilst I don't entirely blame myself for the lack of success, I'm sure that as I have become older I've probably become more set in my own ways and less inclined to put up with behaviour that doesn't meet my standards or which breaches my boundaries. And that is a very strong positive - I'm not prepared to settle.

Am I sad? No, not really. Wistful, perhaps, when I see married friends approaching retirement together with all the anticipation that that will bring with it.

I do not, however, want to continue to be on what was almost becoming a treadmill in my search for a new partner.

Since making my decision I am more content than I have been in a long time and I'm actively enjoying not having to accommodate another man's issues or give up my time for them. Nor am I wasting time and energy engaging with someone from a dating site only to find that the reality upon meeting them is very far from their online persona!

The only downside I have experienced is from girl friends: "oh, but you might still meet someone...."; "don't give up yet..." That's soul destroying as it seems to me that they don't (want to?) hear what I'm saying.

I want for nothing, I have a beautiful home, I have friends and interests, and, most importantly, two wonderful adult children. A partner would have been nice, but I now realise that that would not be the icing on the cake for me - I already have that, and more besides.

I wish you all the luck in the world @simplefree 🤗

@butterflyandbees I'm so sorry you feel so sad right now

I have been single over a decade, was never interested in dating apps. I have just started seeing someone and I’m enjoying it so much, makes me wonder why I was so adamant I was remaining single for life. That said the early days are of course amazing, but relationships not always easy. It might happen when you least expect it. Mine is an ex colleague, we almost went out pre covid then he changed jobs so thought that was the end of that. He then appeared in my office a couple of months ago as he had a meeting and we had a lovely hug. Within 2hrs he messaged me asking me if I fancied a proper catch up over a drink. He’s the first person I’ve properly fancied in years, he seems too good to be true!! He seems to be as smitten with me so let’s see.

I think confidence helps, I’ve recently got a promotion and that makes me feel more confident. I’m updating my wardrobe too, I like to dress nice for work as that also makes me feel confident

There are two responses that I find difficult when I talk about the difficulties of dating at 50. And the acceptance of the reality that I may well be single forever now.

The first is the " I met / My friend met the love of her life at 55 " etc. Well good for them, but the probability now is against it and I have to accept that because living in hope forever is hard.

The second is " I love my single life, don't want a man it's awesome " again good for you, but some of us don't feel that way. Being single can be very lonely, especially if you're not the type who wants to be out socialising all the time, but would appreciate some company when home.

I'm not saying I want a man so much I'll accept anyone, but I liked being married, I miss it so much. And I love the company of men, all female company doesn't feel the same. There's a whole side of life missing. It's a difficult thing to accept, that this is it forever, but there has to be some acceptance to move forward.

"@butterflyandbees My husband has decided to leave me I am late 50's, no children and I can't imagine how my life will be when he leaves. I am so distraught as I still love him deeply. We met online 16 years ago, after I had lots of bad dating experiences and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to find him. I can't imagine dating again, I can't imagine anyone replacing him and yet I can't bear the thought of always being lonely and not having him in my life. I am in such a bad place, online dating was hard 16 years ago and I don't hear much to recommend it now. I envy you all who have great careers and families and don't want a man again".

You will be fine @bees, Get back out there with hobbies, continue to work, or find new work or, volunteering. Arrange meet-ups with friends. I also hear Italy is nice this time of year. Take yourself away. Be independent. One day, you will look back on this time and this post and be a very different person.

I’m sorry to hear that

I know it is difficult to belive right now but because of this disappointment you can grow beautiful wings if you want to and develop a whole new you that is in reality the real love of your life

I have just started my new career 6 months ago and I am flying. I thought I would be stuck in my old job forever not growing anywhere

My daughter is 15 - she has a lot of challenges and I am becoming a better person because of her

My health and my daughter’s health is my priority

I have simple but fulfilling plans for the future - improving my home and making new friends - sadly I’m growing ever more distant from the old ones - but that is okay - they can’t relate to the new / now me and vice versa

There is still so much life and experiences ahead - if he wants to live - open the door and wish him well -

I've noticed for me it comes and goes in waves. I'm single but at this time of year I seem to wonder what it might be like to put myself out there again then I remember that I don't ever want to live with a man again. My peace - which took a long time to find - is something I prioritise above all else. But never say never, I suppose.

I am in the same position except I don't have any friends at all to go out with I'm 45 I have great colleagues but they are in very different positions to me. I'm mostly okay with being on my own romantically but sometimes loneliness is overwhelming

I've just had a
Very single Xmas . First ever without spending it with ex hubby and kids .

And it's been the best ever

I spent it with my neighbour who has become my best friend. We had a ball .

I had my adult kids Boxing Day which was brilliant.

And I've spent every evening with my best mate since , drinking amazing coffee with tia Maria , eating buffet food , having a laugh , and being myself without a care in the world!