Wife doesn’t want children

[Mercury881]

I married my girlfriend of 11 years this Spring - we’ve been together all of our adult lives, since university, and she means the world to me.

Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a father, and she knows this - we’ve discussed it at various points over the years, she knows how I feel and has always been adamant that she would only consider having children after we eventually married; but wanted to enjoy our lives as a couple first. I’d never been overly bothered about marriage but knew how much it meant to her and eventually proposed 3 years ago. Again, she said that once we were married she would consider starting a family.

6 months into our marriage, she is saying she still does not feel ready to have children and doesn’t know when she will. It breaks my heart as this is something I want so much, but know I of course can’t force her into this life-altering decision. However, this leaves me struggling with where to go from here - I really do love her and our life together, we have a house and pets and many shared friends, but I can’t help but feel I will end up resenting myself if we stay together and never have children. It really is something that I can’t imagine my future without.

Another thing to note, just over 4 years ago we - unplanned - conceived a baby. I was overjoyed and she wasn’t, this ultimately lead to the hardest year of our relationship as she decided to have a termination. A lot of counselling later, we were back in a good place, and we still are on the surface - but as I said, I cannot shake the feeling of wanting to be a father.

Any advice/input would be appreciated, thanks so much.

So sad for you but it’s obvious that she doesn’t want children. Hard as it is you need to sit down and have an honest and open conversation. You have difficult decisions ahead

You shouldn't try to change her mind. It is her decision, and a huge one. Pregnancy, having a new born and then being a mother to a child is the biggest undertaking there is pretty much. It's a huge huge thing and she is allowed to not want to do it.

Ultimately your decision is stay and accept that or leave and potentially find someone else to have children with.

But I think since you desperately want kids, leaving and trying to have that is the only option you won't regret

Unfortunately, I don't think there is much to say. Your choice is to stay with your wife and accept that you might never have children; or leave in the hope of finding someone else who wants the same things as you do.

How old are you both?

I agree with pp. she doesnt want children. If you do, you need to divorce.

So is she late 20’s / early thirties?
Perhaps she does want to wait a bit, but honestly, you should talk to her.
This is dealbreaker territory

My brother is in this exact position. Always wanted kids and would be amazing. Wife stringing him along with the idea. And it's become apparent it's not happening.

So it's up to you and only you.

Do you love her enough to sacrifice a life without kids and how it will all look in the future...or will you leave her and create a life where you become a father?

It's not easy but forcing her won't do it.

Either choice won't be easy but it's up to you now.

How old are you both?

I only ask as I wasn’t ready until my 30s. My husband wasn’t either. I’m 32, he’s 38 and we’re only now TTC. We also terminated a pregnancy three years ago. It a difficult decision but we realised there was just too much we needed to deal with first. I get it, I really do.
It sounds really hard if you’re wanting to be a dad so badly, but saying she’s not ready and doesn’t know when she will be doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t ever want to start a family.

Have you tried talking to her about why she doesn’t feel ready? It may be that there are specific things holding her back that she’d like to accomplish first.

Communication is going to be the key here.

I'm assuming you're both early 30s - 21+11. In which case I think you need to set yourself a time scale. By X years if she's not ready to ttc and you still feel this way, you need to leave. Time is on your side being a man but it's also much more ethically complicated going out alone.

Perhaps a contain with her about her timescales? Is there something in particular she wants to do first? What would happen is she accidentally fell pregnant again?

*it was that should say!

My immediate question is how old are you?

Obviously (assuming you are male) you have not quite the biological pressure on you, but reading your OP I'm making the vague assumption that you are roughly 30/31 and your wife is the same.

I should preface with this with words "I am bluntly Northern" but I would be saying to her the next time the subject arose, or even asking for a conversation on the matter, "I am currently feeling that you trapped me into a marriage I wasn't particularly interested in by holding out the lure of you would only have children once married, knowing that this was something I was very, very clear I wanted. After 11 years we have had plenty of couple time. If you are not ready to start trying for a family within the next 12 months then I think we will call it a day together. I wish you'd been upfront with me if you knew you didn't want to be a mother. It would have spared us both heartbreak and stress, because I will be filing for divorce if you keep fobbing me off. I don't want to be trapped in a marriage feeling resentful and that it was built on lies."

As a man you at least have time on your side. I think she may be too young, I certainly was at 30, or she may never want children.

What's your plan for them? SAHF? I ask because I had a BF who wanted kids, with me, and earned a pittance. Half what I did. I wasn't fussed about kids. But his plan was for me to be a SAHM, as well as not being what I wanted, it was also completely untenable. Goodness know if he's found a mug to do it with, but I didn't want to be penniless and stuck at home.

If I was in your position I wouldn't try and give her an ultimatum or pressurise her. It's a massive commitment having children and no one should enter it half heartedly. However, I wouldn't be able to continue in the marriage. I know there are no guarantees that you would find someone else but I would have to give myself the chance of that happening.

I wonder if your wife is hoping you'll eventually give up on the idea of children but I think that's unfair as she's not really being honest. She shouldn't have married you if she really didn't have any intention of having children, knowing how important it is to you.

Sounds like she's stringing you along, certainly doesn't sound like somebody that wants children

You'll have to accept that you probably won't have children if you stay with her or, you'll have to go your separate ways

I do think that it's a bit unfair that she led you on - or seems to have - to think she'd seriously consider having children once married. It seems she isn't doing this and you both are clearly on different pages. I'd have a conversation with her and cut your losses before you become resentful.

No need for an ultimatum because having a baby is something someone should either be prepared for and want or not. If she doesn't want to, she shouldn't have to but she needs to be honest with you and herself.

Honestly sounds like you shouldn’t have married her. She obviously doesn’t want children and was happy to abort the baby you did conceive.
I think you need to decide now whether you want her more than you want children.

Instead of saying how much you want her to have a baby, take practical steps to ensure that you won't leave it all to her or let her career or finances take a hit. Demonstrate how you will step up as a father and with co-parenting.

I hate myself for thinking this but this does have a 'reverse' feel about it

You have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. If you want children as part of your life plan, then you probably need to leave and find a new partner.

Agree with @MadMadMadamMim .

I think it's understandable that she wasn't sure when younger if she wanted children, and sensible only to contemplate it within the legal security of a marriage, so far so good.
But given how much it matters to you I think she shouldn't have entered the marriage without seriously thinking more about whether she could join you on that path. With external therapeutic help if necessary.
Instead it seems the dangling and fence sitting looks likely to go on indefinitely which isn't fair on you and ultimately will make you both unhappy as your marriage is fundamentally divided. There are many threads on here from women in the same position and the advice is usually bail and restart while you still can.

I know 2 couples where one partner really didn't want kids and the other did.
In one, the marriage went ahead on the basis of no kids, both parties in agreement. 40+years later, still a success. The one who really wanted kids nurtured in other ways and made a difference to a lot of lives, but they went into the marriage knowing what they were getting and choosing that.
In the other, the marriage went ahead on the basis of going ahead with a family as per the wishes of one half of the couple but having agreed together. 2 kids later the marriage is still a success. The one who wouldn't have had kids if the other wasn't so keen loves the family they have but made the choice to do that.
2 different outcomes but the thing they have in common is they did the soul searching needed to make a joint plan and life went ahead without one getting dragged along or being thwarted by constant kicking off the can.

You don't have that which sucks. Being a parent is tough and comes with risk, no-one should go into it unless they choose to. But also no-one should be effectively conned out of a life they desperately want.

You are not on the same page and only have vague maybes to go on, and that needs sorting out so you can make your decision in full possession of the truth of your options. This is one issue on which no compromise is available.

This situation isn't exactly the same for a man as it is for a woman, who's biological clock is ticking away, but my advice for you is the same as that i would give to a woman, fwiw. If you know you want children, and you want them soon, then I think you should give your wife an ultimatum. Tell her you want to start trying for a baby by x date, whether it's 6 months from now, or a year or two, whatever, and mean it, and if she really doesn't want children you will need to walk away, heartbreaking as that may be.

Her age is important. If you've been together 11 years and met at 18, she's 29 or 30.

You don't say what she does as a job. If she has a career and wants to achieve a certain level before having children, I can understand that. I certainly wasn't ready to have children until my 30s either.

Are you willing to take the hit on your career while she becomes the lead breadwinner? Have you thought about the practicalities? How far into paying a mortgage are you? Do you have space for a child? Do you live somewhere with decent schools? Have you asked what is worrying her? Childbirth can be very damaging.

There are lots of things that may be worrying her.

We’re both in our thirties - I’m 33, she’s 31. And for those who asked, she is a teacher and I’m self employed. She knows that I would be happy to take on childcare duties if she did want to carry on working. We have a decent amount of money in our savings, we have a lot of family close by and have plenty of room in our home. I really do think we could make it work, but as I said previously if she still isn’t ready then I really don’t know where to go from here.

So reasonably established after 10 years teaching. If mortgage and location are secure, I'd give her a year to settle into married life.

Then just keep talking, Eventually, you'll have to decide if it is a deal breaker for you.

I think 31 is plenty old enough to know whether she wants to have children with you - the man she’s been with for 11 years. And, really, to be ready to have them.

Her saying “she would consider having children” of course always left it open to her to say - she’s considered having them and she doesn’t want to.

You most likely don’t have the same time pressures a woman would have but there are increased chances of such conditions as autism in children fathered by older fathers so waiting until you’re in your 40s or 50s is not necessarily without consequences for you either. And, speaking as an older parent myself, you might find it more tiring.

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have children but she needs to be honest about it and stop stringing you along which is, I think, what she has been doing. And you then have a decision to face as to whether being with her is more important than having children. But it would have been a dealbreaker for me if my DH had refused to have children (as opposed to being unable to do so) and I think it would be a dealbreaker for most people who very much want to have children.