Wife doesn’t want children

[Mercury881]

I married my girlfriend of 11 years this Spring - we’ve been together all of our adult lives, since university, and she means the world to me.

Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a father, and she knows this - we’ve discussed it at various points over the years, she knows how I feel and has always been adamant that she would only consider having children after we eventually married; but wanted to enjoy our lives as a couple first. I’d never been overly bothered about marriage but knew how much it meant to her and eventually proposed 3 years ago. Again, she said that once we were married she would consider starting a family.

6 months into our marriage, she is saying she still does not feel ready to have children and doesn’t know when she will. It breaks my heart as this is something I want so much, but know I of course can’t force her into this life-altering decision. However, this leaves me struggling with where to go from here - I really do love her and our life together, we have a house and pets and many shared friends, but I can’t help but feel I will end up resenting myself if we stay together and never have children. It really is something that I can’t imagine my future without.

Another thing to note, just over 4 years ago we - unplanned - conceived a baby. I was overjoyed and she wasn’t, this ultimately lead to the hardest year of our relationship as she decided to have a termination. A lot of counselling later, we were back in a good place, and we still are on the surface - but as I said, I cannot shake the feeling of wanting to be a father.

Any advice/input would be appreciated, thanks so much.

Yes silly woman just doesn't know what she wants…

At 33 you have lots of time to start again.

Don’t saddle your future children with a reluctant/cold/disinterested mother.

She doesn’t want children evidenced by the fact she got rid of a baby you conceived when you were relatively settled.
I’m astounded you could stay with her after that.

Cut your losses now and go meet a lovely girl who wants to be a mum - there are plenty out there! Good luck.

Wow, talk about demonising a woman just because she doesn't want children. Not wanting a child does not mean a woman is cold ffs

I didn’t say she was a cold woman, but that she had the potential to be a cold mother (particularly if she’s so anti-children).

Makes sense, no?

She sounds pet crazy and is probably very warm to them!

There are plenty of “lovely girls” who don’t want children either - a growing number. And OP’s wife got rid of an unwanted pregnancy, not a baby.

And as evidenced in this thread, lots of women who aren’t interested in being mothers at one point go on to be fantastic ones if and when it’s the right time/decision for them.

Yes it’s likely that OP would have luck finding another woman who’d like to raise a family with him if that’s what he decides to pursue, but there’s no need for the judgy tone.

People are asking questions such as childcare, if the OP will help around the house etc. None of that is really relevant.

If the OPs wife was currently interested in having children, there’s always a way to make it work. It seems like there isn’t issue with the OP and that’s why she doesn’t want to have kids. It seems that she doesn’t want to have kids in general.

I do think it’s a bit unfair that OP proposed despite marriage not being a big deal to him but his wife is still dismissing any conversation regarding have kids. I don’t know OP, it’s a tough one. It seems that you truly do love each other and believe this relationship is the one but you also want to be a father. I think it’s a difficult situation and I have no clue what I’d do if it was me

She insisted on a marriage you didn't really want with the incentive that this would lead to you starting a family, she doesn't want children however right now, she might change her mind, she might not.

It depends whether you can live with the uncertainty and whether your feelings will change towards her, if you feel resentment.

There's a lot of pressure on you both here.

There are many reasons for not wanting to have children, doesn't mean she doesn't like them

I worry she wouldn’t be able to afford a home (I pay the majority of the mortgage on our house)

Unless you're in a very expensive area or living way beyond your means, how does that work? Teaching salaries aren't so bad that I'd expect little contribution to the mortgage, and if she became a single childless woman surely she could afford something, even if it meant moving location?

How is 27 too young to be a parent? I’ll be 27 by the time my baby is here. Mid 20s is a totally normal age to be a first time parent considering that pregnant women aged 35+ are encouraged by midwives to have additional tests. There are additional risks to mum and baby so mum and foetus need to be monitored. It’s one of the boxes they tick (or don’t tick) in your pregnancy notes.

However, I don’t think OP and his wife are compatible. She clearly doesn’t want children and if OP wants to settle down and have children then he needs to leave and find someone else.

@Mercury881 it sounds like the only reason you’re staying is because you’re paying for most things and your wife relies on you financially. If you want children then it’s time to leave. Your wife is an adult and can support herself.

Also, yes - if your salary's so essential for the mortgage, how would it work for her to return to work and you do most of the childcare?

Do you earn hugely more than her, OP? Because if so I too am starting to wonder whether she had a financial incentive to prioritise marriage, while fudging the issue that matters most to you

I just have to reiterate that I think you are all being too harsh on this woman. I didn't even think about kids until I turned 31 and then went on to have three. The point is I knew I wanted them at some point I just didn't feel ready until then. So the conversation needs to be had to ascertain if she's saying give me some breathing room, we only just got married, I'm not ready yet, or whether it's a never thing (in which case you should split up and move on, I can't imagine how afwul it would be to go through life with the unfulfilled longing to have children)

I worry she wouldn’t be able to afford a home (I pay the majority of the mortgage on our house), I don’t know what would happen with our dogs, and our families are close so it would be a big adjustment in that sense too.

None of those are reasons to stay together. Are you sure she’s not relying on you financially so avoiding conversations?

She doesn’t want kids and doesn’t want to have that conversation with you. Don’t spend the next 10 years trying.

As previous posters have said you have a choice to make. Personally I don't understand why anybody would choose the potential of children who do not yet exist over a real walking, living person who you love, have married and built a life with? Speak to her about why she doesn't want them and try to understand and empathise, she is within her rights to not want to carry, deliver, raise and pay for a child for the rest of her life. She is also entitled to change her mind.

The thing that stands out to me is that for both of you this is your only adult long term relationship.
I don’t know why people are going on about you only having been married for 6 months. I’m assuming you’ve been living together for some of the last 11 years.

The problem here is that whatever you do someone is going to be unhappy. You want to be a father but do you want to be the father of a child who has an unhappy mother?
You will end up in a situation with what amounts to an ultimatum; either she has a baby or you leave.

You will end up in a situation with what amounts to an ultimatum; either she has a baby or you leave

And because demanding that someone, against their will and reluctantly, conceives, endures nine months of pregnancy with all its restrictions and health risks, suffers the pain and anxiety of giving birth and recovery, and then springs straight into parenting a newborn while still physically recovering with all the burdens of feeding, night wakings and hormonal changes is so monumentally unreasonable, the only sensible solution is leaving. This is not a matter to start issuing ultimatums over - don't ask her to have a baby for you.

I think this is spot on, I think you might have to wait a while longer, but 35 sounds like a good time to be asking the blunt questions about starting a family or leaving the relationship, if having a family is a deal breaker for you, but don’t let her string you along with promises of next year, next year etc.

I think that’s too late. OP is 33, wife is 31. So by the time she’s 35 he will be 38. Most people I know wish they had their children earlier.
He should divorce and start dating stat.

I think by 31-years-old most women know if they want to have children one day or not. The fact that she doesn't even know if she wants them, never mind when, is not a good sign. I think, at this point, if she agrees to have children, she'll only be doing it for you.

Hi OP. I’ve been in a similar boat, but I’m female and my partner was male. He went, over two years or so, from being not sure when he’d be ready to being adamant he didn’t want children. My advice would be to not do what I did. In that sense, my advice to you is:

-ignore almost everyone’s advice about whether to leave or stay. NOONE can understand this kind of choice unless they have been in your shoes, it’s such a hard dilemma beyond comprehension, and even for those who have had similar, then it is a hugely personal decision. Trust your own mind, no one else’s.

• talk to her. Try and take your own emotion out of the discussion. Understand her viewpoint, and where it is coming from
• don’t pressure her and certainly don’t give an ultimatum.
• think very very carefully about whether you actually value the potential of having a child over this woman. I ultimately decided I didn’t, but by the time I realised that it was too late for me and I’d lost my partner and we’d had too much pain to rebuild.
• think carefully about why you want children
• At the same time, trust and believe her own thoughts. If she ultimately says she will never be ready, trust and believe that and don’t just undermine that by hanging onto the idea that she will change her mind. Of course many women do (my friend wasn’t fully sure she wanted children at all, is now pregnant, not deliberately, but is overjoyed) but you also need to respect what she says she wants, and not just think you know her own mind better
• consider getting therapy for yourself to understand if you would want to stay in the relationship if she decides she doesn’t want children.

good luck, I know the pain xxx

What a horrible thing to say.

Cut your losses now and go meet a lovely girl who wants to be a mum - there are plenty out there! Good luck.

whoever said this you're vile, shame on you!

I don’t know who you’re quoting but it’s what I was going to write here. Find a loving relationship with someone who wants to have a child. It will be difficult but you will be able to follow your need to have a biological child and be a dad.

I’ve tried to start these conversations it gets fobbed off as being something to “not worry about for now”

Then you say, "it is something I'm worrying about, and I have been for a while. I need to talk about this, it's very important to me. Can we set some time now to talk about this on the weekend?"

Having a child isn't essential. Talking to your partner about massive life decisions is. If she genuinely won't, your relationship is over anyway.

Thanks again for the responses. Again I know this is something that we’ll need to discuss together, my wife and I, I am just concerned that it will “rock the boat” so early in our marriage if I keep bringing the issue up. Though it is on my mind constantly.