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Original poster

Wife doesn’t want children

127 replies

Mercury881 · 27/12/2022 00:07

I married my girlfriend of 11 years this Spring - we’ve been together all of our adult lives, since university, and she means the world to me.

Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a father, and she knows this - we’ve discussed it at various points over the years, she knows how I feel and has always been adamant that she would only consider having children after we eventually married; but wanted to enjoy our lives as a couple first. I’d never been overly bothered about marriage but knew how much it meant to her and eventually proposed 3 years ago. Again, she said that once we were married she would consider starting a family.

6 months into our marriage, she is saying she still does not feel ready to have children and doesn’t know when she will. It breaks my heart as this is something I want so much, but know I of course can’t force her into this life-altering decision. However, this leaves me struggling with where to go from here - I really do love her and our life together, we have a house and pets and many shared friends, but I can’t help but feel I will end up resenting myself if we stay together and never have children. It really is something that I can’t imagine my future without.

Another thing to note, just over 4 years ago we - unplanned - conceived a baby. I was overjoyed and she wasn’t, this ultimately lead to the hardest year of our relationship as she decided to have a termination. A lot of counselling later, we were back in a good place, and we still are on the surface - but as I said, I cannot shake the feeling of wanting to be a father.

Any advice/input would be appreciated, thanks so much.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 27/12/2022 10:51

Sorry, it does sound to me like she has played the good old bait and switch trick on you. I would give her maybe another year to reconsider, as a last ditch effort, but not more than that.

SmartWatch · 27/12/2022 10:59

I think this is a bit harsh. She hasn't said she doesn't want kids ever, she has said she's not ready yet. I didn't even start thinking about kids until I was her age (31) and I now have three! (had them at 33, 36, 39). She's probably scared it will fuck up her career, which it probably will. It certainly put mine back, although I did recover it eventually, and teaching is probably reasonably easy to take maternity leaves from?.

Unfortunately biologically she does need to decide soon as having children into your forties is not as straightforward as in your thirties, but there is still plenty of time, especially if you only have two as many do. Many couples I know didn't have a child until their early forties. The compromise there is that you are likely to only have one.

I think you should start discussing it and at least get her to say whether it's 'dont feel ready' rather than 'dont ever want it' - as they are two very different things.

stairgates · 27/12/2022 11:03

I think wait till she's 35 and if no talk of kids you know to make a decision then.

MamaFirst · 27/12/2022 11:14

How would you feel if she eventually decided, okay she would have a baby. But then that was it, absolutely definitely one and done. Would you be satisfied with that? If not, you would face still being so torn but with the addition of a child to keep you in a relationship you resent.

Knowing that I always wanted childREN, I'm not sure I would have stayed. It's an impossible decision only you can make, but I agree you absolutely could end up resentful.

I would say as the male in the relationship you do have more time though, as you could be with someone younger than you in the future.

Otterock · 27/12/2022 11:25

You need to have a conversation and ask her straight up if she definitely wants kids or not and make it clear you need to know where you stand for the reasons you’ve mentioned.

Miss03852 · 27/12/2022 13:01

The advice for a 33 year old man is a bit different to a 33 year old woman, as you’ve got 20 years to potentially throw at this, whereas if you were a woman you’d be looking at needing to make a choice quickly.

He doesn’t have another 20 years. Most attractive young childless women aren’t going to want a kid with a 50 year old. The OP isn’t a millionaire celebrity. Most women like to settle down with someone around their own age and the dating market will be worse the older he is as it’ll be mostly single mothers which I doubt he wants. This is irresponsible advice.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 27/12/2022 13:05

This must be awful for you but at the same time you deciding you want kids is just that - you want them and they happen. For women it's the consideration of pregnancy, painful labour and your entire body being for the child. It's scary. Really scary.

LaLuz7 · 27/12/2022 13:22

Miss03852 · 27/12/2022 13:01

The advice for a 33 year old man is a bit different to a 33 year old woman, as you’ve got 20 years to potentially throw at this, whereas if you were a woman you’d be looking at needing to make a choice quickly.

He doesn’t have another 20 years. Most attractive young childless women aren’t going to want a kid with a 50 year old. The OP isn’t a millionaire celebrity. Most women like to settle down with someone around their own age and the dating market will be worse the older he is as it’ll be mostly single mothers which I doubt he wants. This is irresponsible advice.

Very fair point.

Also, maybe the idea of parenting teens in his 60s doesn't appeal to him?

Maybe he's worried about sperm quality going down and the risk of chromosomal abnormalities going up in his 40s?

Maybe he wants kids while he's young, energetic and fit?

Just because men have more wiggle room in their time frame for having kids doesn't make it wise to wait and it doesn't mean he owes it to her to wait around for years and years.

Skiphopbump · 27/12/2022 13:37

I knew a couple in this situation. The man really wanted to be a father and thought his girlfriend would eventually come round to the idea. They had been together for years and had moved abroad together so were in a committed relationship but they felt so different about starting a family.
They split up as even after counselling couldn’t move forward and within a few months the man had met someone new who was ready to start a family. The relationship moved quickly and they are a very happy family with three children now.

The girlfriend was really hurt as she loved her boyfriend but even now in her mid forties hasn’t changed her mind about starting a family.

SmartWatch · 27/12/2022 13:49

I have quite a few friends with older partners on their second famillies and my observation is that having young kids in your fifties and sixties is no picnic! Even if you can physically create them. That said, I think 35 is an acceptable crunch point these days so she has time, but don't waste the next few years if she never wants kids.

35965a · 27/12/2022 13:54

The only options are to accept that she probably never wants children and live with that, or leave and look for someone you’re compatible with. That’s what it boils down to. Accepting it does not mean silently hoping and wishing she might one day want children, though, which many people in this situation do. Obviously sometimes people do eventually, but her actions so far have shown she doesn’t want them. It means truly accepting not ever having a child.

powerpufff · 27/12/2022 14:32

Mercury881 · 27/12/2022 00:07

I married my girlfriend of 11 years this Spring - we’ve been together all of our adult lives, since university, and she means the world to me.

Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a father, and she knows this - we’ve discussed it at various points over the years, she knows how I feel and has always been adamant that she would only consider having children after we eventually married; but wanted to enjoy our lives as a couple first. I’d never been overly bothered about marriage but knew how much it meant to her and eventually proposed 3 years ago. Again, she said that once we were married she would consider starting a family.

6 months into our marriage, she is saying she still does not feel ready to have children and doesn’t know when she will. It breaks my heart as this is something I want so much, but know I of course can’t force her into this life-altering decision. However, this leaves me struggling with where to go from here - I really do love her and our life together, we have a house and pets and many shared friends, but I can’t help but feel I will end up resenting myself if we stay together and never have children. It really is something that I can’t imagine my future without.

Another thing to note, just over 4 years ago we - unplanned - conceived a baby. I was overjoyed and she wasn’t, this ultimately lead to the hardest year of our relationship as she decided to have a termination. A lot of counselling later, we were back in a good place, and we still are on the surface - but as I said, I cannot shake the feeling of wanting to be a father.

Any advice/input would be appreciated, thanks so much.

Hi Mercury.
This must be so so hard.
11 years is a long time together and I understand you are ready to start a family. When men are the ones who really want a child sometimes they receive comments like " be patient" or " your biological clock is not ticking" but I find these comments unhelpful.
You seem to really care about your wife and you are committed to her and a future family together. I feel that it is time to have a chat- a calm and caring approach is key. Ask her what her goals are re having a family. But this time you both need to create a timeline and compromise. She can't be vague and be like " maybe next year". If you suspect there might be something deeper ( trauma, fear or childbirth, unresolved issues) I would do couples therapy - it works- stick at it and see where it takes you. However, if it is simply a matter of " I need to work on my career" or "not right now" (which of course are her prerogative) you still need to also keep your needs in mind - that's your prerogative too. She felt she wanted the commitment of marriage before having kinds and you gave it to her- now you would like to start a family and she is still not ready. She might be afraid to tell you what is really going on- but after 11 years together and a marriage there is no time to string anyone along or not be upfront. My desire to have a child is so great I had to create a timeline with my current partner- I asked him if he felt ready without putting him under pressure- simply stating my desire and my needs. I was ready to let him go if our goals were too different regarding having kids- this is not selfish- it would be selfish of him to string me along even if benevolently ( another holiday- another promotion, more money in the bank) there is always a better time and never the right time. Anyway it would have made us resentful- a feeling you are experiencing and which you really need to be careful about.
My partner said he is happy to start trying in June and I feel he is genuinely excited- we will see where that journey takes us.
All the best

powerpufff · 27/12/2022 14:39

Hi Mercury.
This must be so so hard.
11 years is a long time together and I understand you are ready to start a family. When men are the ones who really want a child sometimes they receive comments like " be patient" or " your biological clock is not ticking" but I find these comments unhelpful.
You seem to really care about your wife and you are committed to her and a future family together. I feel that it is time to have a chat- a calm and caring approach is key. Ask her what her goals are re having a family. But this time you both need to create a timeline and compromise. She can't be vague and be like " maybe next year". If you suspect there might be something deeper ( trauma, fear or childbirth, unresolved issues) I would do couples therapy - it works- stick at it and see where it takes you. However, if it is simply a matter of " I need to work on my career" or "not right now" (which of course are her prerogative) you still need to also keep your needs in mind - that's your prerogative too. She felt she wanted the commitment of marriage before having kinds and you gave it to her- now you would like to start a family and she is still not ready. She might be afraid to tell you what is really going on- but after 11 years together and a marriage there is no time to string anyone along or not be upfront. My desire to have a child is so great I had to create a timeline with my current partner- I asked him if he felt ready without putting him under pressure- simply stating my desire and my needs. I was ready to let him go if our goals were too different regarding having kids- this is not selfish- it would be selfish of him to string me along even if benevolently ( another holiday- another promotion, more money in the bank) there is always a better time and never the right time. Anyway it would have made us resentful- a feeling you are experiencing and which you really need to be careful about.
My partner said he is happy to start trying in June and I feel he is genuinely excited- we will see where that journey takes us.
All the best

Goldbar · 27/12/2022 14:59

Why would you want to have a child with someone who is unenthusiastic about having children?

Being pregnant, giving birth and being a parent are such a big deal. Pregnancy and childbirth present significant health risks to the mother and parenthood infringes hugely on parents' autonomy and wellbeing (and again, the larger burden tends to be borne by the mother). Having children is a huge demand to make of someone.

Just like for sex, enthusiastic consent to parenthood should be the standard. You both need to want this. Don't try to convince her to have a child she doesn't want. Ultimately it's not fair on her or you.

Yes, she may change her mind but all the indications are that she doesn't want children. In which case your options are a child-free life with her or starting again with someone else.

ThePear · 27/12/2022 15:03

You need to divorce and find a woman who wants what you do. You are fundamentally incompatible on a very, very basic level. Childfree life is bliss and there’s a whole community happy to welcome your childfree wife, there’s also a plethora of childless women in their 30s seeking a man to have a kid with. There is no compromise on such a huge issue and neither one of you is wrong.

ThePear · 27/12/2022 15:11

Also, what @Goldbar said. Huge, unwavering longing and being fit to parent is a bare minimum requirement for such a risky and life changing choice for any woman. Ecstatic consent, not just ‘meh..it’s what you do.’

Goldbar · 27/12/2022 15:22

mouche202 · 27/12/2022 04:31

I was in your wife's position 12 years ago. My husband desparately wanted children and I wasn't sure. He said he wouldn't leave me if we didn't have children but he would be sad all his life. I eventually agreed (because I adored my OH and didn't want him to have a half life and/or leave me) and had our son 11 years ago at the age of 33 (OH was 38) .

I found that he did not keep his promises of doing all the hard work of parenting and in fact I think he is a pretty selfish and poor parent in general. However, despite really struggling with the mental and physical challenges of being a mother, I adore our son and would not be without him for the world. My OH I can take or leave at this point - I don't hate him but I don't think our relationship will ever recover. So I guess my point is - be careful what you wish for. You may end up gaining a child but losing the relationship you have now.

This strikes a chord.

You say you want children but are you prepared to do the gruntwork for them? How would you feel about lone parenthood if it came to that? Men are often more enthusiastic about having children based on what they perceive as a father's (often more limited) role.

HaggisWurst · 27/12/2022 15:26

She is allowed to say she doesn't want children but it sounds like she's stringing you along which isn't ok. She needs to be upfront with you about whether she wants them or not so that you can then make a decision whether to stay without children or leave and try find someone else who wants the same things are you

Mom2K · 27/12/2022 15:28

I feel like the wife has been dishonest. While she may not have felt ready to have children at certain points in her life...by 31 she should know if she eventually wants them or not. I mean, she still might not be ready to have kids even now, but I don't buy the fact that at this point in time she can't definitively say if she would like to have children. My belief is that she doesn't want kids but has been stringing you along and used it to rope you into marriage.

If the person I was with had done that to me I think I'd feel quite resentful and I don't know if I'd be able to continue a relationship.

Only you can determine how you feel about it

Militarywife7 · 27/12/2022 15:36

My thoughts are similar to the above post, it seems like she’s been stringing you along. I’ll be ready after marriage, knowing it would be awhile off, now married and she’s not ready yet, it just seems like constant delay tactics. I’d be furious if I’d been duped into marriage on the agreement of having kids, for the other person to keep brushing it aside. It seems to me that she just doesn’t want kids, but she does want you so she’s keeping you hanging. I think you need to have a frank conversation/exact timeline or I would leave!

Original poster
Mercury881 · 27/12/2022 16:06

Thank you all for your replies - I’ve read through everything and really do appreciate the time taken to read and respond.

I know I’ve a lot to think about, and as a few people have said there are definitely conversations that need to be had - it’s just every time in the last year or so I’ve tried to start these conversations it gets fobbed off as being something to “not worry about for now”, it never feels like it’s the right time and I don’t want to seem pushy but at the same time it can’t go on like this infinitely.

The closest we’ve ever been to separating was when things were really bad 4 years ago. Every time I contemplate a future without her it really does make me miserable, but a future without children feels much the same. I also worry that if things don’t change and we do separate, that she wouldn’t be okay on her own - I worry she wouldn’t be able to afford a home (I pay the majority of the mortgage on our house), I don’t know what would happen with our dogs, and our families are close so it would be a big adjustment in that sense too.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 27/12/2022 16:13

Would you still be able to pay the bills with childcare fees on top if and when she returned to work after any DC. Or if you reduced your hours? Don't assume she will want to do anything but return to work full time. Childcare is expensive.

Miss03852 · 27/12/2022 16:14

I also worry that if things don’t change and we do separate, that she wouldn’t be okay on her own - I worry she wouldn’t be able to afford a home (I pay the majority of the mortgage on our house)

Maybe that’s partly why she’s not being honest with you, because she needs you financially.

Oher · 27/12/2022 16:25

There’s a lot I could say but let’s keep it simple.

It’s very unethical that she misled you about her feelings.

Children are awesome and if you want some you should have some.

If she doesn’t want kids by the age if 31 then she never will.

You can’t have kids with someone who’s not excited about it, that would be cruel to the children.

You’re a 33 year old man with good relationship history who wants to start a family. You would be gold dust on the dating market and (once you got over the heartbreak) you would easily find a woman who wants children.

You need a divorce.

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 27/12/2022 16:28

I can't see how you can have a future together. She told you (wrongly, it seems) that she'd consider having a baby after you got married. She doesn't want that, She wasn't truthful. You want children. Would you prefer to have children but not her? Or her but without any children? Only you know - but if you choose her and not children, you may well live to resent her for it.