Wife doesn’t want children

[Mercury881]

I married my girlfriend of 11 years this Spring - we’ve been together all of our adult lives, since university, and she means the world to me.

Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a father, and she knows this - we’ve discussed it at various points over the years, she knows how I feel and has always been adamant that she would only consider having children after we eventually married; but wanted to enjoy our lives as a couple first. I’d never been overly bothered about marriage but knew how much it meant to her and eventually proposed 3 years ago. Again, she said that once we were married she would consider starting a family.

6 months into our marriage, she is saying she still does not feel ready to have children and doesn’t know when she will. It breaks my heart as this is something I want so much, but know I of course can’t force her into this life-altering decision. However, this leaves me struggling with where to go from here - I really do love her and our life together, we have a house and pets and many shared friends, but I can’t help but feel I will end up resenting myself if we stay together and never have children. It really is something that I can’t imagine my future without.

Another thing to note, just over 4 years ago we - unplanned - conceived a baby. I was overjoyed and she wasn’t, this ultimately lead to the hardest year of our relationship as she decided to have a termination. A lot of counselling later, we were back in a good place, and we still are on the surface - but as I said, I cannot shake the feeling of wanting to be a father.

Any advice/input would be appreciated, thanks so much.

It's not going to help your marriage for you to be worrying if she has been future faking, or, if she hasn't been future faking, for her not to understand this is so important to you that she needs to do some serious soul searching, and both of you agree to talk about it again on a year when she's had time for that.
While this festers it will taint the marriage which isn't what a new marriage needs either.

I was hugely on the fence about having kids, it isn't a clear desire for everyone so that's understandable, but if you're married to someone for whom having a family is deeply important you really should make it your business to get off the fence one way or another so both of you know where you stand and can make your choices accordingly.
As it was both my DH and I were on the fence, we decided to have kids after some deep conversations and consideration over the course of a year or so. We love being parents now so not feeling sure doesn't mean you can't get on board if you make that choice.

But she needs to talk about it with trusted confidantes, a therapist, herself... Whoever it takes as time is ticking on, and if you feel strongly enough about this that it is a deal breaker, then you and she need to come to a point where this issue is settled sooner rather than later.
As long as you are not trying to pressure her into pregnancies or a motherhood she doesn't want, it's not unreasonable to need her to come with you or tell you she can't do that.

Op - your wife doesn’t want children, you do.
This isn’t going to change, I think at the age she is, she would know if she wanted children or not.
Also after what you went through 4 years ago - should’ve really told you everything you needed to know - as they say actions speak louder than words.
You need to think if you want a life with your wife and without children or a life with a new partner & children without your wife.
From reading everything you’ve posted, I think it’s the latter.
I know you don’t want to rock the boat - but you need to be clear - write it in a letter if she keeps shutting down any conversation. You need to tell her how you feel. You need to put your feelings on this issue first as it is a dealbreaker. Also the practicalities of how she would cope if you leave her aren’t your concern in the kindest way. You sound like a good person - but her needs and wants are no more important than yours.
I don’t think either of you will be happy living in this limbo - address the situation asap. Good luck.