Wife doesn’t want children

[Mercury881]

I married my girlfriend of 11 years this Spring - we’ve been together all of our adult lives, since university, and she means the world to me.

Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a father, and she knows this - we’ve discussed it at various points over the years, she knows how I feel and has always been adamant that she would only consider having children after we eventually married; but wanted to enjoy our lives as a couple first. I’d never been overly bothered about marriage but knew how much it meant to her and eventually proposed 3 years ago. Again, she said that once we were married she would consider starting a family.

6 months into our marriage, she is saying she still does not feel ready to have children and doesn’t know when she will. It breaks my heart as this is something I want so much, but know I of course can’t force her into this life-altering decision. However, this leaves me struggling with where to go from here - I really do love her and our life together, we have a house and pets and many shared friends, but I can’t help but feel I will end up resenting myself if we stay together and never have children. It really is something that I can’t imagine my future without.

Another thing to note, just over 4 years ago we - unplanned - conceived a baby. I was overjoyed and she wasn’t, this ultimately lead to the hardest year of our relationship as she decided to have a termination. A lot of counselling later, we were back in a good place, and we still are on the surface - but as I said, I cannot shake the feeling of wanting to be a father.

Any advice/input would be appreciated, thanks so much.

My son is going through something similar at the moment - he's choosing to buy a house on his own and start a new life without her.

I only got broody after 35 despite having been in long term relationships pretty much all my adult life. I ended up going on to have a child some years after that. My point is she may change her mind if hormones kick in but she may not. Are you prepared to take that risk?

Have you made her feel supported if she were to have one. What are her options re childcare, getting back to work, support during and after pregnancy? Whats the financial situation, can you comfortably afford this? Have you got other financial priorities? Any mental health issues? Maybe theres reasons she doesnt feel she can go ahead. You should talk about that first

Sorry to say or even think it, but you sound like her meal ticket.

I agree with you Miss. Women forget that egg quality AND sperm quality decreases with age.

@Mercury881 your wife won’t change her mind. She should know by the age of 31 whether or not she wants children. Yes, some women get pregnant at 40, but fertility each month decreases in her 30s, as does egg quality. If you want children then you’ll have to find someone who wants them too.

Look at this graph:
www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/

www.spectrumnews.org/news/link-parental-age-autism-explained/

www.yourfertility.org.au/everyone/age

Honestly I think you should leave her. It really doesn't sound like she ever plans to have kids.
Sorry you are in this situation, it's shitty.

I'm sorry but I think you need to end the relationship. The reasons you've given not to are all about practicalities and a sense of obligation, and you say you love her but I don't think your relationship will survive your regret and resentment about not being a father. The house can be sold, what she does with her share of the equity and whether she can afford somewhere else is her problem. The two of you will have to decide about the dogs - in mediation if necessary. These are minor points in the grand scheme of things; the most important thing is that you need to end the relationship and start the process of healing and moving on - the sooner you are ready to meet someone else and spend time getting to know each other and living with each other before having children, the better.

33 is still young but assuming you would like a partner who is a similar age, you don't have years and years. Better to take your time and make the right choice, rather than finding yourself in a situation where you are rushing into it.

With your follow up post it is kind of sounding like she wanted this marriage for financial security which isn't wrong to want but if she's misled you or strung you along that's something else. I wouldn't have sought marriage with a partner who didn't want the same fundamental things as me.

So reasonably established after 10 years teaching. If mortgage and location are secure, I'd give her a year to settle into married life

what does “settling into married life” involve?

unless they were living apart until marriage, presumably nothing has changed, same house, same job, same routine, same life. It’s been 6 months…

she said she wanted to be married before kids. Well now she is married, and still not considering it?

i’d be making plans to leave o/p. This doesn’t sound like something you can ever compromise on, and it seems like she’s stringing you along..

I don't think your marriage has a future and I feel your wife is future faking you. It's best to have a once and for all talk about this in which you are both honest and then take a decision. If that decision is to split up, be decent about it in financial terms and then get out there. Plenty of women in your age bracket would snap you up.

So @Mercury881 you've not been ready for marriage for 11 years but you got married because your partner wanted to. Now 6 months into the marriage you want her to decide to have a baby? How about waiting a bit? You made her wait!

I would sit her down and talk to her, properly talk to her. Don't let her waste your time. If she doesn't want children, ever, she needs to be honest with you about that so that you can make a decision. If she says, lets revisit the conversation in 6,12 whatever months, then make sure you do. I would (and have been in your shows) decide your own (deadline) and stick to it. Make sure that whatever you do, you have the honest facts. Do not accept to be strung along or carrots dangled. You deserve, at least, clarity and honesty.

I know someone who for years didn't want kids until suddenly at the age of 37, she did. They now have 2 kids.

So I wouldn't say leave her now. But I would agree that you need to set yourself a deadline. 35, 36? You'll get someone of 30 who wants to find someone who wants kids at that age.

You've got a bit of time, but not loads. A couple of years,
but no more.

I was with my ex for 6 years when he changed his mind and didn't want children. I knew I'd regret not having kids. I thought breaking up would destroy everything in our lives, but it didn't. I got over him faster than I thought possible, fell in love with another man, married and had children almost immediately. 20 years later, I couldn't be happier. I rarely think on my ex. I know he's married and I know they don't have kids. I'm happy for him but have no regrets and I no longer love him. I wouldn't trade my DDs for the world and I'm happy I gave them a father who wanted them as much as I did. For those of us who want children, it's really the best thing-now, DH and I are looking forward to DGC and it's quite special we share enthusiasm for our future growing family.

Nothing wrong with not wanting them, but having kids when you're "meh" about it is really unfair to children.

Unlike women, you have time on your side. It does sound like she's stringed you along. There's no disgrace in ending a marriage for this reason. Be free, be happy and find someone that does value having kids.
Don't be my DB, give his DW an ultimatum, have kids reluctantly and hold it against him for the rest of his life. She turned out to be the most selfish and cold mother.

I had this, but I didn’t marry him (although the wedding was booked and paid for! When he realised that actually he no longer saw children in his future, I decided to leave him and went into parenthood alone. I loved him and I had wanted to marry him, but I knew I wouldn’t have remained happy and there was also the risk I would have gone on to resent him for not wanting children.

I didnt want kids at 31

I did at 35 though. I changed

I don't blame her for the termination aged 27. That seems young to be a parent

27 is not young. It's merely 3 years ahead of the national average for first time moms.

And if he left it until wife was 35 that would make him 38. A little risky to leave it that late to start trying if you consider how prevalent infertility issues are, don't you think?

I think what you deserve at this point is honesty and an open, detailed conversation. Not "let's revisit it in x time".

You need to understand how certain she is that she will eventually want children. What is she wanting to do/experience/have before having children or what is she concerned about.

You also need to know how important it is to you to have children. I went through 5 years where it seemed increasingly likely I couldn't have children. It was a deep grief and I could not have done it if the reason was my husband not wanting children. Nor could I have continued my child-ready life - we would have been selling up, quitting work and doing something very different. On the other hand, a male friend of ours was in a similar position to you (except she was always very honest about not wanting children) and decided that he wanted her far more than he wanted kids. He was never particularly focused on being a dad.

I'd also want to know how honest she's been with you in the past. If she's known she didn't want kids and pushed it forward hoping you'd stay, what does that tell you about how much she loves and respects you?

Once you have everything out you can make a decision. Divorce will be hard. Life with someone you resent because you've given up a major part of what you want for them will be harder. If she doesn't want kidney, nly stay if you can make genuine peace with that

Well said @Eskarina1

I am also a teacher and did not feel ready for children of my own until I was 35. I felt like my maternal ‘need’ was satisfied by the children I cared for at school (I taught infants) However, once I reached 35 I was suddenly desperate for my own. He is now 4 and, although my rocky marriage didn’t survive, I am so glad I did have him. I definitely wasn’t ready at 31.

You could have the conversation and decide to split and you may find she does go on to have a child with someone else later down the line. Just be prepared for all eventualities I guess I’m saying. You should put your needs first though, life is too short for regrets. Especially one as life-changing as having children.

I’m self employed. She knows that I would be happy to take on childcare duties

How do you see that working? You mentioned that you pay most of the mortgage at present, and presumably you rely on your self employment income.

Have you thought hard about how it would actually work?

It's only 6 months after the marriage it doesn't mean she never wants children just not right now.

I mean... it's also 11 years into the relationship and into their 30s. They've had plenty of time to enjoy childless life together.

I could see being reluctant to have kids 6 months into the marriage if the relationship was still fresh (2-3 years). But they've been together a decade.

Why don't you get some couples counselling? It's relatively unusual for women not to want kids, maybe there's some unresolved issues in your relationship, with your behaviour, or with something else. Get some counselling with the idea of resolving the situation one way or the other.