Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife doesn’t want children

127 replies

Mercury881 · 27/12/2022 00:07

I married my girlfriend of 11 years this Spring - we’ve been together all of our adult lives, since university, and she means the world to me.

Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a father, and she knows this - we’ve discussed it at various points over the years, she knows how I feel and has always been adamant that she would only consider having children after we eventually married; but wanted to enjoy our lives as a couple first. I’d never been overly bothered about marriage but knew how much it meant to her and eventually proposed 3 years ago. Again, she said that once we were married she would consider starting a family.

6 months into our marriage, she is saying she still does not feel ready to have children and doesn’t know when she will. It breaks my heart as this is something I want so much, but know I of course can’t force her into this life-altering decision. However, this leaves me struggling with where to go from here - I really do love her and our life together, we have a house and pets and many shared friends, but I can’t help but feel I will end up resenting myself if we stay together and never have children. It really is something that I can’t imagine my future without.

Another thing to note, just over 4 years ago we - unplanned - conceived a baby. I was overjoyed and she wasn’t, this ultimately lead to the hardest year of our relationship as she decided to have a termination. A lot of counselling later, we were back in a good place, and we still are on the surface - but as I said, I cannot shake the feeling of wanting to be a father.

Any advice/input would be appreciated, thanks so much.

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 27/12/2022 01:27

MintJulia · 27/12/2022 00:49

Her age is important. If you've been together 11 years and met at 18, she's 29 or 30.

You don't say what she does as a job. If she has a career and wants to achieve a certain level before having children, I can understand that. I certainly wasn't ready to have children until my 30s either.

Are you willing to take the hit on your career while she becomes the lead breadwinner? Have you thought about the practicalities? How far into paying a mortgage are you? Do you have space for a child? Do you live somewhere with decent schools? Have you asked what is worrying her? Childbirth can be very damaging.

There are lots of things that may be worrying her.

Perhaps she just doesn't want children. Doesn't have to be a worry.

MintJulia · 27/12/2022 01:33

Perhaps she just doesn't want children. Doesn't have to be a worry.

I know. I was just trying to explain that some women need to feel secure to want to get pregnant - financially, emotionally, domestically, career-wise. For some, things just have to feel right.

Anewhoo · 27/12/2022 01:37

I was not ready at all for children in my early 30s. But I also wasn’t ready for marriage. I also made a mistake and did both, the child was not to be as I miscarried and felt guilt relief.

looking back, I think I was naive, I wanted to make it work and something stopped me. He wanted children so badly and I wasn’t there yet. And, I think I wasn’t truly in love with him, as much as I wanted to be. We broke up, and I went on to marry and have children. He married and didn’t.

You are both still young, you’re not on the same page. I’d recommend some counselling, have some independent advice to see what you both want. But, if you want children and she doesn’t. Then that a deal breaker and you need to be prepared to leave, no matter how hard it feels.

Kokeshi123 · 27/12/2022 01:37

I think you will need to set an ultimatum or be prepared to live a life full of regrets. If she has been with you for years, has been married for a bit and is now 31 and is still “not ready,” she probably never will be.

Guys do have a slightly longer window than women but not that much longer, simply because most people (male or female) do not want to be 60 and dealing with a teenager etc.

OrangePomander · 27/12/2022 01:49

You could argue that it needs to be both the right person and the right time for having kids, and sometimes this just doesn’t align for a couple.
I have friends who were engaged but split up in their mid-twenties because he wanted kids and she was very sure that she didn’t. Within a year he was married to someone else and a father, they’re still together 20-odd years on. His original partner who was very sure they wanted to stay child free got married and started a family ten years later. So it worked out well for both, just not how originally planned.

AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken · 27/12/2022 01:50

6 months into the marriage is quite short term for her to feel ready she may well have a longer time frame in mind. It sounds like you need to have a proper conversation with her and ask clearly if it's a no from her or if she does want kids but not yet.

It's definitely not fair if she's in fact stringing you along, I have always desperately wanted kids and now I do have one it's honestly amazing. If she decides she's definitely a no I think it's completely fair for you to choose divorce so you can have the chance to find somebody who dies want them. Good luck ☺️

Miss03852 · 27/12/2022 01:57

People telling him he has “plenty of time” are wrong. The dating pool gets smaller as people get older and if he wants a childfree woman who wants kids he’ll probably need to date mid twenties to late twenties. He should make this decision ASAP and get out if he definitely wants kids.

gannett · 27/12/2022 03:14

Have you talked about her reasons for not wanting children now?

"Not ready" is a vague and hand-wavey thing to say and she should be able to articulate what she means by that. I have many friends who weren't ready at 31 - maybe most. Some of them wanted to achieve more things in their career, or get their career into a place where it wouldn't be as much of a struggle to resume it after maternity leave. Some of them wanted a firmer financial base. One or two low-key wanted kids... but not with their partner at the time.

By contrast I (and all my friends who are still child-free) knew that we didn't want kids for much deeper reasons. I knew at 31 that it didn't matter what my career or finances looked like - I still wouldn't want kids.

CatJumperTwat · 27/12/2022 03:22

then I really don’t know where to go from here.

You do a lot of thinking and decide what you want more: a life with her or a life with children.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 27/12/2022 03:25

Annabananna1 · 27/12/2022 00:11

You shouldn't try to change her mind. It is her decision, and a huge one. Pregnancy, having a new born and then being a mother to a child is the biggest undertaking there is pretty much. It's a huge huge thing and she is allowed to not want to do it.

Ultimately your decision is stay and accept that or leave and potentially find someone else to have children with.

But I think since you desperately want kids, leaving and trying to have that is the only option you won't regret

Are you for real, she has blatantly gaslighted him and lied to him for years. Poor man

Ugzbugz · 27/12/2022 03:59

As a teacher she knows what's coming and so many partners say they are happy to be at home but are they???

Shooshan · 27/12/2022 04:13

She's taking the piss and has dangled the carrot for years.

Tell her if shes not ready to TTC in the next 12 months you want a divorce.

mouche202 · 27/12/2022 04:31

I was in your wife's position 12 years ago. My husband desparately wanted children and I wasn't sure. He said he wouldn't leave me if we didn't have children but he would be sad all his life. I eventually agreed (because I adored my OH and didn't want him to have a half life and/or leave me) and had our son 11 years ago at the age of 33 (OH was 38) .

I found that he did not keep his promises of doing all the hard work of parenting and in fact I think he is a pretty selfish and poor parent in general. However, despite really struggling with the mental and physical challenges of being a mother, I adore our son and would not be without him for the world. My OH I can take or leave at this point - I don't hate him but I don't think our relationship will ever recover. So I guess my point is - be careful what you wish for. You may end up gaining a child but losing the relationship you have now.

CuteBear · 27/12/2022 04:36

I get the impression that she’s been stringing you along. It was cruel of her to promise to have children after marriage and then say she’s ‘not ready’. She’s been dangling the carrot for years. The majority of women know by the age of 31 whether or not they want children. She knows that women’s fertility declines in the 30s and dramatically so by the late 30s.

I highly doubt she will ever want to have children. There’s no point in saying ‘if you’re not pregnant within a year then we’re divorcing’ because she’ll be bringing an unwanted baby (by her) into the world and you’ll divorce anyway. Or she’ll agree and then purposefully try not to get pregnant. You’ve waited long enough and this relationship is over, I think.

DuchessofSandwich · 27/12/2022 04:37

If she doesn't want children then you're not compatible. It doesn't matter how much you love each other if you're not compatible, you'll end up miserable. You've waited years already. Maybe you should have one final conversation and if no, not yet, sometime in future promisses then leave and find someone else to have children with (beware of her saying yes, keep taking the pill or not wanting sex and also not wanting fertility treatment). At your age you might want to get a move on since the dating pool is getting smaller because people are already starting families.

Unthinkable8 · 27/12/2022 05:31

thistimelastweek · 27/12/2022 00:34

I hate myself for thinking this but this does have a 'reverse' feel about it

this

Mintyt · 27/12/2022 09:35

My step brother left a marriage as he wanted children and she didn't, he meet a woman with 2 children, and told her almost straight away that he will want children, they got together got married and had a child and are very happy his ex had 3 children almost straight away - 3 under 4. You have some very difficult life choices to make

whumpthereitis · 27/12/2022 09:35

It’s also possible that, instead of deliberately stringing you along, she wants to want children, and is hoping that she’ll suddenly start feeling the same way about wanting them as you do. Except she’s not feeling that way.

RudsyFarmer · 27/12/2022 09:41

If she doesn’t want children she doesn’t want children. Regardless of your good intentions she will no doubt be the one most impacted by this if she does bring a child into the world.

if it helps any though most people I know who were adamantly anti- children changed their minds around 35. There’s something about that age that makes you look around and suddenly you start to realise people are getting older and things are shifting. It’s a weird thing but personally I went from not giving a shit about babies to actively desiring to have one inbetween 35 and 36. It was powerful.

LimeCheesecake · 27/12/2022 09:49

The advice for a 33 year old man is a bit different to a 33 year old woman, as you’ve got 20 years to potentially throw at this, whereas if you were a woman you’d be looking at needing to make a choice quickly.

however, if she’s got to 31 and is a definite no, then you need to accept that. It will be hard to untangle your lives now you are married, but you wouldn’t be the first or last couple to not make it to first anniversary.

IntentionalError · 27/12/2022 09:50

I will say to you exactly what I would say to a woman in the more common scenario that she wants children but her male partner does not, or isn’t ready and doesn’t know when he will be.

Listen to her. She is telling you that she doesn’t want to be a mother. Believe her. Respect her wishes and do not pressurise her.

As a man you do have more options than a woman would, in that you can opt to shut up about children, back off & play a waiting game to see if her body clock starts ticking over the next few years. Hormones are very powerful things, and they do cause some childless women to change their minds in their mid 30s. If she doesn’t change her mind you then have very difficult decisions to make, because this issue is a dealbreaker. Good luck.

layladomino · 27/12/2022 09:52

It could be a matter of time. 6 months after getting married is quite soon to be trying, for many people. For most that I know, they wanted to enjoy a few years of marriage first, if time was on their side (and it is in your cases).

It could be that she isn't sure she ever wants children.

It could be that she knows she doesn't want children and has been dishonest with you throughout.

Can you talk to her and ask which of these three it is? If it's the first, then I wouldn't panic. If it's the third, then I'd be questionning the whole relationshop as she's been dishonest and manipulated you in to a situation you wouldn't have chosen - and you'll struggle to trust her again.

If it's the middle option, then you need to keep talking, and perhaps decide on a cut off date in your mind, after which you would decide if you want to stay married and never have children, or leave and hope to find someone with whome you can have them (there are never any guarantees it will happen if course).

Aside from all of that, remember that having children is a MUCH bigger decision for the woman. The process of pregnancy and childbirth affects her so very much more than it will affect you. The time taken off work, the loss of career progression, impacts on earnings and pension etc etc. If you will be the SAHP then it's less impactful - make sure you really truly mean that if you're offering it., and stand by your word. Make sure you're ready to pull your weight, to be an equal parent, and be ready to put your child ahead of everything else. I only say that as I know of a couple of men who wanted children before their wives, but neither of them were picturing nappies and dealing with ill children, or taking regular time off work, or GP appointments or school pick ups or hosting birthday parties for 30 5 year olds. Despite their desperation for children, in both cases the woman has taken on 80% of the parenting.

SirMingeALot · 27/12/2022 09:59

For a 33 year old male I probably would give it another year if the relationship is otherwise good, simply because you do have more time on your side. But if it's still the case that you aren't agreed, as usual in these situations it comes down to whether you want the partner or the DC more.

LimeCheesecake · 27/12/2022 10:02

Also if you wait it out another year or so, keep in mind this probably isn’t long term for you, so do think carefully about any financial decisions that make it harder to untangle your finances later.

category12 · 27/12/2022 10:47

While male fertility doesn't have the same obvious shut-off as women's, there is a drop off in sperm quality with age, which can lead to health issues for the child or difficulties TTC. (Rhod Gilbert has talked about his problems with fertility as an older guy.)

I know you are only in your early 30s, but it's not a given that you that you have decades to spare, as a man.

If kids are a definite want for you, then you need to be conscious of how long you are willing to wait for your partner to be ready (or if indeed she will ever be ready). And consider whether you are going to choose the relationship or to leave and find someone else to have a family with.