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Original poster

Partner accused of sexual abuse

329 replies

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 19:19

my partner has allegations of sexual abuse on his DBS in the “other” section so it only shows up on an enhanced check. I found out he has these allegations when he applied for a job a while back and was rejected due to his DBS. I found out he has 3 allegations of sexual abuse; one threatening revenge porn, one sexual assault by touching without consent, and the third was sexual interactions with an underage girl. He denies all allegations stating that the girls were all lying and had just tried to ruin his life. The allegations didn’t go further, all 3 dropped charges instead of going to court, he hasn’t been prosecuted hence why it only shows up on an enhanced check. He is also barred from working with children.

recently, the underage girl who reported him to the police got in touch with me via social media. She said she wanted to let me know that my partner sexually abused her when she was young. He was early 20’s and she was 12-13. She said there were several encounters of touching her and performing oral and obviously she was too young to consent. I showed my partner the messages and he denies it saying she is trying to ruin our relationship. He knows the girl and says she is the younger sister of the girl he once dated. He tells me to block and ignore it as it is untrue but won’t engage in a telephone conversation with the girl to discuss why she would make these false allegations.

Are they all liars because I’m starting to feel suspicious? he seems somewhat uncomfortable when discussing this and something tells me that he is lying to me as he doesn’t wish to confront the so called false accusations with the girl and would rather me just block.

I have never had any issues of sexual nature with him. He has always been respectful in that regard. However he has been physically abusive e.g. throwing things during arguments, hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force), punching walls doors furniture etc

Would you believe his word over theirs? What would you do in my situation if it was your DP, would you investigate further about the girl who’s come forward to me or block her as he says? Would you stay in a relationship with him?

note: these are all historical allegations way before we got together, around 7+ years ago these were reported and nothing since

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 21:49

Whadda · 26/12/2022 21:46

Right, so now that you know that he’s lying to you, that hitting isn’t normal, and that he’s a threat to you, your pregnancy, and a potential baby (I say “potential” because abusive men can get a lot more abusive when a woman is pregnant, and often injure her to the point of miscarriage), what are you going to do about it?

There is no doubt about it now I am going to break up with him and keep myself and my baby safe. I am devastated that he lied and I’m stupid to have believed it

OP posts:
Moser85 · 26/12/2022 22:25

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 21:40

I don’t think he would do it again, and I’d never imagine he did it in the first place. And if you met him you’d never think he was capable of it either. It’s not just me he has fooled. This is why I wouldn’t bother speaking to mutual friends about this because they’d say that it can’t be true

Show quote history

No they wouldn't OP.
3 allegations from separate women?

Most sexual assaults or sex crimes are NOT reported so if THREE women have went to the police about him then how many more girls/women has he harmed? There must be many more.

How on earth would you believe that he wouldn't do it again?

Zanatdy · 26/12/2022 22:35

Why would you stay with him? Either way he’s abusive. You can clearly do so much better

bubbleandsqueakk · 27/12/2022 00:43

Run as fast as your can. He has 3 counts of sexual abuse, he has been violent and has hit you. I want to shake you!!! Imagine a friend telling you this. End it with this man and end it NOW

bubbleandsqueakk · 27/12/2022 00:47

"However I don’t see him as a pedophile though he seems far from it because he is very kind to me apart from during arguments."

I only saw this as I read more. I'm sorry if this is harsh but you need to wake the fuck up.
He is a pedophile.
He is also not kind as he hits you

MingeofDeath · 27/12/2022 08:49

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Spookysparkles · 27/12/2022 09:23

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 26/12/2022 19:24

If three separate people are saying it you definitely should be listening

Agree, I don’t believe him- too much of a coincidence for 3 different women/ girls to make accusations of a similar nature.

themanwho · 27/12/2022 10:08

WunWun · 26/12/2022 21:43

Oh I'm well known for not trusting a fucking soul, but what you're talking about is naive beyond belief.

Some really nasty posts off you here WunWun

there’s a pregnant woman who’s living with a history of abuse here who has had received some horrible shocking news about her partner of 7 years, and came here to check her thinking out and get advice

she doesn’t need blame and criticism off you

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 27/12/2022 10:36

There is no doubt he will find a new relationship eventually once I end it. I’m kind of angry at the thought that he can quite possibly have a long term relationship with someone else who may not find out about the allegations or that he’s hit me.. what do I do about this?

OP posts:
hugefanofcheese · 27/12/2022 10:38

I'm so glad you have decided not to continue this relationship. Can you now see that it is not at all normal.or the mark.of a good man to have accusations of sexual abuse, including towards a child, and to physically abuse a partner?

You know he is abusive as he hits you. Is it really such a leap to believe that he may be sexually abusive too since he clearly doesn't respect women or think much of harming them.

if you think this through, it is far more unusual for a false accusation of sexual abuse to reach the police, let alone court, than for someone to be abused. It is vanishingly unlikely that an innocent fellow would have the misfortune of meeting 3 separate false accusers.

You don't need proof of any historical crimes. He has abused you. That is.more than enough reason to leave and keep the baby safe. I wouldn't be naming him on the birth certificate or giving him your new address. I would also consider telling the police about the abuse towards you.

hugefanofcheese · 27/12/2022 10:39

The bit about the new address assumed you live together.

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 27/12/2022 10:43

hugefanofcheese · 27/12/2022 10:38

I'm so glad you have decided not to continue this relationship. Can you now see that it is not at all normal.or the mark.of a good man to have accusations of sexual abuse, including towards a child, and to physically abuse a partner?

You know he is abusive as he hits you. Is it really such a leap to believe that he may be sexually abusive too since he clearly doesn't respect women or think much of harming them.

if you think this through, it is far more unusual for a false accusation of sexual abuse to reach the police, let alone court, than for someone to be abused. It is vanishingly unlikely that an innocent fellow would have the misfortune of meeting 3 separate false accusers.

You don't need proof of any historical crimes. He has abused you. That is.more than enough reason to leave and keep the baby safe. I wouldn't be naming him on the birth certificate or giving him your new address. I would also consider telling the police about the abuse towards you.

to me it just doesn’t seem that big of a deal that he has hit me because it never leaves a bruise and doesn’t hurt much. It’s just a kick or slap every now and then during an argument. I would only be concerned if it hurt or left a mark. It’s the breaking of furniture that bothers me when he is angry. But he has conditioned me into believing that is a normal way for some people to respond in anger so I thought it was normal. Is it abusive to break or throw objects in the house when angry?
but yes of course due to the nature of the accusations I know I must end it

OP posts:
annielouisa · 27/12/2022 10:51

You need to contact Women's Aid and get onto the Freedom programme . Your upbringing in seeing DV as normal has conditioned you to accept terrible things. Nobody should be breaking or throwing things, fear should not make you keep quiet or keep your head down.

Report this man to the police and start to remove yourself and your unborn child from the awful situation

labazslovesliving · 27/12/2022 10:54

he is violent and aggressive has 3 people saying the same thing about him I would run for the hills.
he is probably on the sex offenders register
if you had kids they may be taken from you and why the hell would you want to have kids with him

AnnieSnap · 27/12/2022 14:38

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I’m thinking that too

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2022 15:12

If you report him to the police for violence and it goes on his record then that would show up if the next person runs a Claines law check on him.

I think it might be worth reporting him because you have a kid with him so may see him again. Would be wise to have the police (and courts) informed of his nature. To help keep you and baby safe.

And yes, breaking things, punching walls ect...is abuse as it's basically saying 'I could do this damage to you'. Its deliberate intimidation. Its not a loss of control, it's a controlled intimidation tactic to keep you fearful/thinking about how to placate them. Thinking about them and their 'needs' and how to keep them happy. Because if you don't, then things will be damaged and broken.

Reugny · 27/12/2022 20:25

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 21:16

Why would you think it’s not real in the beginning? Is it so shocking to believe I got into a relationship with someone like everyone else does only to LATER find out all this on his criminal record?

It’s just everything about your post. That you found out because he was rejected from a job, why would he tell you that’s why he was rejected when he’s hid this the whole time? Why wouldn’t he just say he didn’t get the job? And now suddenly adding a pregnancy, it just seems like a bait/troll to me.

Because he's a groomer.

If she believes him over this he can do absolutely anything to her and absolutely anything to their child.

This is why the OP needs to move away from where she lives and have no contact with him what so ever.

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 28/12/2022 11:46

Reugny · 27/12/2022 20:25

Because he's a groomer.

If she believes him over this he can do absolutely anything to her and absolutely anything to their child.

This is why the OP needs to move away from where she lives and have no contact with him what so ever.

Show quote history

He is very convincing that’s why I believed him but was suspicious. It just makes me quite angry and slightly jealous that he will perhaps go onto having another relationship with someone else and because he is very charming he might just get his happy ever after and his future partner/s may not even find this out about him

OP posts:
mindutopia · 28/12/2022 11:55

Please contact the police to do a Clare’s law request. Even though you are leaving him (and well done for making that decision), having that information and being able to speak to an officer about the nature of these and any other offences you don’t know about, will put you in a stronger position when it comes to protecting your child.

yadaya · 28/12/2022 12:30

to me it just doesn’t seem that big of a deal that he has hit me because it never leaves a bruise and doesn’t hurt much. It’s just a kick or slap every now and then during an argument. I would only be concerned if it hurt or left a mark.

This is heartbreaking. It is a big deal, a very big deal.
How would you feel if he kicked or slapped your child every now and then? Because he will.

Lndnmummy · 28/12/2022 12:34

You need to disclose his history of sexual abuse as well as the domestic violence he has committed on you to your midwife. What do you think they will say? In order for you to keep your baby you will need to prove to them that you are able to keep your baby safe from harm. How are you planning on doing that? This is a safe guarding issue and you and your baby are both at risk.

Reugny · 28/12/2022 14:11

How would you feel if he kicked or slapped your child every now and then? Because he will.

He will probably do much worse.

Just be thankful you are not having a girl.

If you stay with him that is a big possiblity.

yadaya · 28/12/2022 14:23

If you stay with him and allow him access to your son then he will just teach him that hitting women is the norm .....

Zebedee55 · 28/12/2022 14:26

I worked in a Child Protection dept, dealing with child abuse. This has got red flags all over it.🙁

Very, very few allegations ever make it to court - that doesn't mean they were false.

Three females, all making allegations that are "false"? What's the chances of that? Nil.

He's showing up on DB checks - another red flag.

He's hit you and been violent and abusive - why do you want to live with someone like him?🤔

Leave as soon as you possibly can.

Pinkbonbon · 28/12/2022 15:08

The thing is op, he will never get his 'happy ever after'. Firstly, because he is a paedophile and as such, once women start looking 'too old' he'll probably lose interest.

Secondly, because he is likely incapable of love in the same way that you or I would be. Abusers lack in areas such as empathy, compassion and ability to reciprocate love (even though they can fake these things to fool you).

Thirdly, is that a regular character trait for his zirt is that they are never happy with what they have. They are always looking for something else, something new.

And fourthly, he already knows you found out about him. He will live in a constant state of paranoia that other partners and people will find out too, forever. Doesn't sound like a happy ending to me.

Also worth considering that most women would, hopefully, leave once he started displaying red flags. As more and more women start learning about his sort, more and more women start gaining the ability to spot them and stay away.