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Original poster

Partner accused of sexual abuse

329 replies

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 19:19

my partner has allegations of sexual abuse on his DBS in the “other” section so it only shows up on an enhanced check. I found out he has these allegations when he applied for a job a while back and was rejected due to his DBS. I found out he has 3 allegations of sexual abuse; one threatening revenge porn, one sexual assault by touching without consent, and the third was sexual interactions with an underage girl. He denies all allegations stating that the girls were all lying and had just tried to ruin his life. The allegations didn’t go further, all 3 dropped charges instead of going to court, he hasn’t been prosecuted hence why it only shows up on an enhanced check. He is also barred from working with children.

recently, the underage girl who reported him to the police got in touch with me via social media. She said she wanted to let me know that my partner sexually abused her when she was young. He was early 20’s and she was 12-13. She said there were several encounters of touching her and performing oral and obviously she was too young to consent. I showed my partner the messages and he denies it saying she is trying to ruin our relationship. He knows the girl and says she is the younger sister of the girl he once dated. He tells me to block and ignore it as it is untrue but won’t engage in a telephone conversation with the girl to discuss why she would make these false allegations.

Are they all liars because I’m starting to feel suspicious? he seems somewhat uncomfortable when discussing this and something tells me that he is lying to me as he doesn’t wish to confront the so called false accusations with the girl and would rather me just block.

I have never had any issues of sexual nature with him. He has always been respectful in that regard. However he has been physically abusive e.g. throwing things during arguments, hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force), punching walls doors furniture etc

Would you believe his word over theirs? What would you do in my situation if it was your DP, would you investigate further about the girl who’s come forward to me or block her as he says? Would you stay in a relationship with him?

note: these are all historical allegations way before we got together, around 7+ years ago these were reported and nothing since

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 21:04

This has been a massive wake up call for me. This is exactly what I needed. I am breaking up without a doubt and planning ahead for my baby. Thank you all so much for opening my eyes

OP posts:
Bedazzled22 · 26/12/2022 21:05

Oh no you’re having his baby…
tell your midwife get help, pls protect your baby at all costs. Can you omit father name on birth cert?

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is very real. I didn’t wish to speak about my baby as I didn’t wish to be judged. But since the question has come up several times about whether I have children I admitted it. It’s not something I would’ve openly said in fear of being judged

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 26/12/2022 21:08

If you decide to take him back after your child is born its extremely likely that the child will be taken from you if social services find out .

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 26/12/2022 21:09

Personally I tell him it isn't his dc... Let him rant and dump you. Don't look back. Denying your dc has a sex offender for a df is the best outcome here.

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why would you think it’s not real in the beginning? Is it so shocking to believe I got into a relationship with someone like everyone else does only to LATER find out all this on his criminal record? Obviously he didn’t mention none of this to me until i discovered it myself. Also I was quite happily in a relationship with this man and putting up with being hit and quite naively believing that these girls are lying. I’m only now really rethinking things properly now there will be a kid involved not just me

OP posts:
Notsofestive1 · 26/12/2022 21:10

@Miss03852 I was thinking that as well. In fact I hope it isn’t true.

butterfliedtwo · 26/12/2022 21:14

Before we get into another relationship, you need help to detangle why you put up with being hit. It's not normal.

Wanderingoff · 26/12/2022 21:15

Do make sure you get support oP - this will
be difficult to do without support. Do call womens aid.

butterfliedtwo · 26/12/2022 21:15

*you obviously and not we

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 21:16

Why would you think it’s not real in the beginning? Is it so shocking to believe I got into a relationship with someone like everyone else does only to LATER find out all this on his criminal record?

It’s just everything about your post. That you found out because he was rejected from a job, why would he tell you that’s why he was rejected when he’s hid this the whole time? Why wouldn’t he just say he didn’t get the job? And now suddenly adding a pregnancy, it just seems like a bait/troll to me.

Bedazzled22 · 26/12/2022 21:17

Years ago, I saw a documentary on TV about social workers. A social worker was planning to take a baby away from his mum because she lived with a convicted paedophile. They blacked out the pictures but you heard the social worker going into the house and saying he needed to take away the baby for safety and he could take her too and get her to somewhere safe with her baby. The mum let the social worker take her baby so she could stay with the pedo boyfriend, I have never forgotten that - how utterly devastatingly sad. Dont be like that woman. Please break free. You can do it.

WunWun · 26/12/2022 21:18

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 21:10

Why would you think it’s not real in the beginning? Is it so shocking to believe I got into a relationship with someone like everyone else does only to LATER find out all this on his criminal record? Obviously he didn’t mention none of this to me until i discovered it myself. Also I was quite happily in a relationship with this man and putting up with being hit and quite naively believing that these girls are lying. I’m only now really rethinking things properly now there will be a kid involved not just me

Show quote history

It's shocking that someone is not only so stupid that they would genuinely believe three separate people would make up sexual abuse accusations against someone because they're all "out to get him", but that that person would also say that they think it's okay if the accusations are true because it was a long time ago so they probably won't do it again. And anyway, they're an amazing person.

The latter part was a disgusting thing for you to say. Personal I hope the whole thing isn't true. You're a pretty awful person if it is.

Aidagreenwhistle · 26/12/2022 21:19

Before you split up can you do a Claire’s law info request on him? Can you also find out from the police about any other convictions? You may need this going forward or it’s your word against his and you will be women number 4 who lies and is out to get him.

On another thread the woman could not find out Info once they had split up. You may need this for access etc.

Also you can demonstrate to your midwife on record that you have left him specifically due to his history. You need to put the DV on record too. You need to protect yourself with a trail.

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 21:22

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 21:16

Why would you think it’s not real in the beginning? Is it so shocking to believe I got into a relationship with someone like everyone else does only to LATER find out all this on his criminal record?

It’s just everything about your post. That you found out because he was rejected from a job, why would he tell you that’s why he was rejected when he’s hid this the whole time? Why wouldn’t he just say he didn’t get the job? And now suddenly adding a pregnancy, it just seems like a bait/troll to me.

His dbs came through the post and he showed it to me and explained why he didn’t get the job because of what was written on the dbs. And that’s why I believed him so easily, cos if it was true then surely he would hide the dbs from me at all costs. But he showed me everything on there and told me these girls have lied about him

OP posts:
WunWun · 26/12/2022 21:23

He obviously thought you'd be stupid enough to believe him, and guess what...!

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 21:26

WunWun · 26/12/2022 21:18

It's shocking that someone is not only so stupid that they would genuinely believe three separate people would make up sexual abuse accusations against someone because they're all "out to get him", but that that person would also say that they think it's okay if the accusations are true because it was a long time ago so they probably won't do it again. And anyway, they're an amazing person.

The latter part was a disgusting thing for you to say. Personal I hope the whole thing isn't true. You're a pretty awful person if it is.

Show quote history

I’m not an awful person. He has been a good partner for the most part and it was not hard for me to originally believe him when he seems so convincing in his words. That doesn’t make me an awful person if he has lied and manipulated me into believing him. But it does make me stupid

OP posts:
Geppili · 26/12/2022 21:30

Leave and put your baby first.

WunWun · 26/12/2022 21:32

But you gave your opinion in this thread today that if he had done it it was a long time ago so probably wouldn't do it again? Which obviously implies that you think it's fine to have been a paedophile when you were younger, as long as you pack it in.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2022 21:33

If I were you, I would move as far away from him as humanly possible BEFORE the baby is born and definitely not tell him you're going. I would also immediately change my number and email.

You have got to get this baby away from him. He's a child sexual predator, FFS.

belowfrozen · 26/12/2022 21:35

He's barred from working with children... for good reason. Peadophile

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 21:40

WunWun · 26/12/2022 21:32

But you gave your opinion in this thread today that if he had done it it was a long time ago so probably wouldn't do it again? Which obviously implies that you think it's fine to have been a paedophile when you were younger, as long as you pack it in.

I don’t think he would do it again, and I’d never imagine he did it in the first place. And if you met him you’d never think he was capable of it either. It’s not just me he has fooled. This is why I wouldn’t bother speaking to mutual friends about this because they’d say that it can’t be true

OP posts:
WunWun · 26/12/2022 21:43

Oh I'm well known for not trusting a fucking soul, but what you're talking about is naive beyond belief.

Whadda · 26/12/2022 21:46

Right, so now that you know that he’s lying to you, that hitting isn’t normal, and that he’s a threat to you, your pregnancy, and a potential baby (I say “potential” because abusive men can get a lot more abusive when a woman is pregnant, and often injure her to the point of miscarriage), what are you going to do about it?

Lucyccfc68 · 26/12/2022 21:47

Accusations usually only come up on an enhanced DBS if they are relevant to the role the person has applied for e.g. involves safeguarding (children and vulnerable adults) Also what can show is allegations where charges were dropped due to a technicality. This does not mean they are innocent.

You said that he’s a decent bloke and if he did any of these things, he wouldn’t do it again - sorry, but you are wrong.

A family member abused me when I was 9 and then went onto abuse his own 4 year old daughter (15 years later). After his wife found out, she got rid of him. He then met a woman with children and social services told her that if she moved in with him (with her children) they would go to court to have her children removed.

Please speak to your midwife and social services to support you to leave him and ensure he has no access to your child. He has abused 3 times already (that you are aware of) and been violent towards you - he will abuse your child given the opportunity.