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Original poster

Partner accused of sexual abuse

329 replies

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 19:19

my partner has allegations of sexual abuse on his DBS in the “other” section so it only shows up on an enhanced check. I found out he has these allegations when he applied for a job a while back and was rejected due to his DBS. I found out he has 3 allegations of sexual abuse; one threatening revenge porn, one sexual assault by touching without consent, and the third was sexual interactions with an underage girl. He denies all allegations stating that the girls were all lying and had just tried to ruin his life. The allegations didn’t go further, all 3 dropped charges instead of going to court, he hasn’t been prosecuted hence why it only shows up on an enhanced check. He is also barred from working with children.

recently, the underage girl who reported him to the police got in touch with me via social media. She said she wanted to let me know that my partner sexually abused her when she was young. He was early 20’s and she was 12-13. She said there were several encounters of touching her and performing oral and obviously she was too young to consent. I showed my partner the messages and he denies it saying she is trying to ruin our relationship. He knows the girl and says she is the younger sister of the girl he once dated. He tells me to block and ignore it as it is untrue but won’t engage in a telephone conversation with the girl to discuss why she would make these false allegations.

Are they all liars because I’m starting to feel suspicious? he seems somewhat uncomfortable when discussing this and something tells me that he is lying to me as he doesn’t wish to confront the so called false accusations with the girl and would rather me just block.

I have never had any issues of sexual nature with him. He has always been respectful in that regard. However he has been physically abusive e.g. throwing things during arguments, hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force), punching walls doors furniture etc

Would you believe his word over theirs? What would you do in my situation if it was your DP, would you investigate further about the girl who’s come forward to me or block her as he says? Would you stay in a relationship with him?

note: these are all historical allegations way before we got together, around 7+ years ago these were reported and nothing since

OP posts:
Ithinkitswineoclock · 26/12/2022 20:29

Nc for this.

my dearest mum many years ago aged 11 was almost raped by a neighbour. He told her to help him find a ticket for a prize he won and took her into his house. She had been waiting outside her house for a friend. He pushed her down but was interrupted by a knock at the door. It was mums friend, as she had seen them go in the house (thank god). She saved my mum, as the girls ran away. HE got away scot free. He wasnt prosecuted. But it doesnt mean he wasnt a monster.

it hurts to write this but these things happen and men get away with it.

JoyBeorge · 26/12/2022 20:32

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:13

He cried when explaining these women are lying about him… saying they’ve ruined his career prospects and his life… I can’t believe I’m stupid enough to fall for it he just seemed so convincing 😔 I now feel like an idiot.

And so you're leaving him now, right?

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:34

I’ve been wanting out but since I don’t have proof the girls are telling the truth and he can’t prove they’re lying I’ve just been sitting on the fence. But I’ve gathered now that multiple cases cannot all be lies. Also the hitting I didn’t think much of because it wasn’t painful. The hit would never leave any visibility on me so I just thought it’s not that bad. I thought most men might hit their partner every now and then

OP posts:
Sammiches101 · 26/12/2022 20:38

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:34

I’ve been wanting out but since I don’t have proof the girls are telling the truth and he can’t prove they’re lying I’ve just been sitting on the fence. But I’ve gathered now that multiple cases cannot all be lies. Also the hitting I didn’t think much of because it wasn’t painful. The hit would never leave any visibility on me so I just thought it’s not that bad. I thought most men might hit their partner every now and then

I’ve been wanting out but since I don’t have proof the girls are telling the truth and he can’t prove they’re lying I’ve just been sitting on the fence. But I’ve gathered now that multiple cases cannot all be lies. Also the hitting I didn’t think much of because it wasn’t painful. The hit would never leave any visibility on me so I just thought it’s not that bad. I thought most men might hit their partner every now and then

You don't need proof of the truth, get off the fence and leave him for being an abuser. Most men do not hit their partners every now and again. Please, contact woman's aid or friends and get out this hell you are in with him

Whadda · 26/12/2022 20:38

Do you have children?

titchy · 26/12/2022 20:38

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:34

I’ve been wanting out but since I don’t have proof the girls are telling the truth and he can’t prove they’re lying I’ve just been sitting on the fence. But I’ve gathered now that multiple cases cannot all be lies. Also the hitting I didn’t think much of because it wasn’t painful. The hit would never leave any visibility on me so I just thought it’s not that bad. I thought most men might hit their partner every now and then

The vast vast vast majority of men do not bit their partners. This may be your normal, but it's not what most people think is normal.

You don't need a reason to break up with someone either. If you want to break up, then break up. That's the only reason you need.

annielouisa · 26/12/2022 20:40

Please leave he is dangerous and he will not change. He sees women and girls as objects to be used and abused. You deserve better !!

Wanderingoff · 26/12/2022 20:41

The acceptable number of times a man should
hit his partner is ZERO

i really really hope this thread Is the wake up call you need

plesse call womens aid tomorrow and tell them you want to leave a man who hits you and is a paedophile but you are finding it hard. They will help.

Reugny · 26/12/2022 20:42

I thought most men might hit their partner every now and then

Hitting has no place in relationships.

Most men do not hit their partners.

The majority of adults are also aware you don't hit your children either.

Hitting has no place in relationships.

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:43

Whadda · 26/12/2022 20:38

Do you have children?

I am expecting a ds with him 😔 him & I do live separately though and I’m planning to break up… however I probably can’t put him on the birth certificate now or enable him to have any rights over ds

OP posts:
Reugny · 26/12/2022 20:44

You don't need a reason to break up with someone either. If you want to break up, then break up. That's the only reason you need.

I've copied this because you seem to need things repeated to understand your experience and understanding of relationships has been screwed up by those around you.

titchy · 26/12/2022 20:45

I am expecting a ds with him 😔 him & I do live separately though and I’m planning to break up… however I probably can’t put him on the birth certificate now or enable him to have any rights over ds

Oh fuck Sad

Reugny · 26/12/2022 20:46

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:43

I am expecting a ds with him 😔 him & I do live separately though and I’m planning to break up… however I probably can’t put him on the birth certificate now or enable him to have any rights over ds

Show quote history

It doesn't work like that.

You need to go to the police and report him for hitting you.

You also need to tell your midwife.

You also need to break up with him and not contact him at all.

If you can move you need to move.

Wellitjustgetsworse · 26/12/2022 20:48

This makes me feel sick. I was groomed in my early teens by an older man and like this women it was only later I realised what had happened as at the time you think you have something special.

She was 12/13 Jesus that's a child no excuse. He was in his 20s that is so wrong you must know that and 7 years ago isn't anything, not that that even matters. But he will still be that person but masks and hides it better.

When I was being groomed and the guy broke up with me he said he went for me as he knew he could emotionally manipulate me. That's what abusers do he's gone for you as I'm going to guess you're probably vunerable or had a rough up bringing and these men just prey on women like that.
He knows you will buy what he says because you don't think you deserve any better. He will get worse. Trust me I know..

MadeofElephantStone · 26/12/2022 20:49

Leave him and protect your child, and don't get into another relationship until you know what healthy boundaries and behaviours are.

TedMullins · 26/12/2022 20:49

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:34

I’ve been wanting out but since I don’t have proof the girls are telling the truth and he can’t prove they’re lying I’ve just been sitting on the fence. But I’ve gathered now that multiple cases cannot all be lies. Also the hitting I didn’t think much of because it wasn’t painful. The hit would never leave any visibility on me so I just thought it’s not that bad. I thought most men might hit their partner every now and then

This is so sad to read. Most men absolutely do not hit their partner. It is not in any way normal or acceptable and I’m sorry your upbringing left you with such a fucked up sense of what relationships are. None, absolutely none of this is normal. And as others have said, you don’t need a reason to end a relationship. As it happens, you have several very, very urgent and compelling reasons to end it, as this man is actively dangerous, but the ONLY reason anyone needs to break up with someone is that they don’t want to be with them any more. Please phone women’s aid and look at the freedom programme and getting therapy. And think of your baby’s safety, you need to keep him away from this man.

Lexi868 · 26/12/2022 20:49

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:13

He cried when explaining these women are lying about him… saying they’ve ruined his career prospects and his life… I can’t believe I’m stupid enough to fall for it he just seemed so convincing 😔 I now feel like an idiot.

Hes crying crocodile tears because he's been caught out and fears that he will be exposed for exactly what he is. A disgusting and evil coward!!!

billy1966 · 26/12/2022 20:51

Reugny · 26/12/2022 20:46

It doesn't work like that.

You need to go to the police and report him for hitting you.

You also need to tell your midwife.

You also need to break up with him and not contact him at all.

If you can move you need to move.

Show quote history

OP, if you have time to rethink this pregnancy, do.

He is the scum of the earth.

You need to get away from him.

Please report him for his assaults of you.

Lexi868 · 26/12/2022 20:52

Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:43

I am expecting a ds with him 😔 him & I do live separately though and I’m planning to break up… however I probably can’t put him on the birth certificate now or enable him to have any rights over ds

Show quote history

The fact that you are expecting with him means you need to break up with him before little one comes into the world. Your innocent child needs to be protected. If you don't have the self esteem to do it for you then do it for the love of your son.
I promise you if you let the love for your baby guide you, your strength will be unmovable Xx

OldFan · 26/12/2022 20:52

hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force)

PP's have no doubt already said, but any amount of physical force is an excess @Anonuser456 .

Three separate women and girls have accused him. That isn't just bad luck of him happening to come across three women who made separate false accusations.

Original poster
Anonuser456 · 26/12/2022 20:54

billy1966 · 26/12/2022 20:51

OP, if you have time to rethink this pregnancy, do.

He is the scum of the earth.

You need to get away from him.

Please report him for his assaults of you.

Show quote history

It is too late to end the pregnancy 😔 and even if it was an option I feel too attached to the baby to let it go now anyway… however I’m not feeling so overjoyed about it anymore 😔

OP posts:
BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 26/12/2022 21:00

OldFan · 26/12/2022 20:52

hitting me during arguments (but not with excess force)

PP's have no doubt already said, but any amount of physical force is an excess @Anonuser456 .

Three separate women and girls have accused him. That isn't just bad luck of him happening to come across three women who made separate false accusations.

Yes and that’s just 3 who have come forward. There will of course be/have been others.

Notsofestive1 · 26/12/2022 21:00

@Anonuser456 I honestly despair sometimes with these situations. It’s one thing you subjecting yourself to this but to bring a child into it?! The ONLY thing you can do is leave him. Protect your baby.

Miss03852 · 26/12/2022 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

butterfliedtwo · 26/12/2022 21:04

Oh god. Take steps to protect that child if you can't ge away for your own sake.

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