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Original poster

Dating Thread 237 - Wintertide Warmth Support & Festive Frolics and

1000 replies

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 24/12/2022 15:44

Merry Christmas one and all. Thanks for all the support and dating wisdoms...

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. Know your worth.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/12/2022 10:03

Mila14

get Better x

im so glad Xmas is over
feels like one month of spending and planning to keep 3 people happy

and like for many on here it’s a super triggering time

at some stage I do need to communicate with Balkan
I’m not going to ghost him
but I’m not sure if I want another 2023 of this drama either

Undecidedandtorn · 26/12/2022 10:15

I love reading all of the messages on here and often find myself nodding in recognition. I would love to hear thoughts on my situation. I met someone on bumble in the summer - he was just 3 months into a breakup from his wife of 22 years but I kept an open mind and he's the sweetest guy.

We go out and have fun, stay in and have a great sex life but there is something missing. I can't even put my finger on what that is. We have been together for 5 months and I guess I thought I'd feel a bit more of a connection by now. I don't want to string him along but at the same time to break up with him because of a vague feeling seems odd. Any thoughts would be most helpful.

Mila14 · 26/12/2022 10:46

Undecidedandtorn · 26/12/2022 10:15

I love reading all of the messages on here and often find myself nodding in recognition. I would love to hear thoughts on my situation. I met someone on bumble in the summer - he was just 3 months into a breakup from his wife of 22 years but I kept an open mind and he's the sweetest guy.

We go out and have fun, stay in and have a great sex life but there is something missing. I can't even put my finger on what that is. We have been together for 5 months and I guess I thought I'd feel a bit more of a connection by now. I don't want to string him along but at the same time to break up with him because of a vague feeling seems odd. Any thoughts would be most helpful.

What’s missing is he’s not in love with you. Have an open conversation and check with yourself. When we know…we know. We can be with someone and have a nice relationship but feel something is missing…that something is feeling he’s in love with us

Mila14 · 26/12/2022 10:54

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/12/2022 10:03

Mila14

get Better x

im so glad Xmas is over
feels like one month of spending and planning to keep 3 people happy

and like for many on here it’s a super triggering time

at some stage I do need to communicate with Balkan
I’m not going to ghost him
but I’m not sure if I want another 2023 of this drama either

I’m feeling similarly somehow Worsy. I don’t think you have to ghost Balkan at all. You can take it slow and see how it feels in the new year. It’s great to have a break for Christmas to be honest

know MrEx loves me but I feel that after that last break up…things are different. I have a lot less willingness to hear his whingeing and I really can’t be on drama mode all the time.

I will see him now at the beginning of the year as I don’t have DC but I’m not looking forward to it. Odd. I’m not looking forward to seeing any guy to be honest and I’m just so happy and I am off apps!!. 2023 starts with total uncertainty.
One thing is clear… MrEx will need to drop the drama and be more present into us because I will have to say goodbye my love otherwise.
The whole thing for me hinges in the fact that these are my last years to find a partner for life. I have a lot to offer. His offerings are dwindling every year but he does not realise that.

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 11:05

@Mila14 I totally agree with you.

I'm trying to understand and accept that I have a lot to offer but there's not very much being taken to the table by the men I've met.

I have found a lot of your self confidence is rubbing off on me. So thank you ❤️

Mila14 · 26/12/2022 11:51

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 11:05

@Mila14 I totally agree with you.

I'm trying to understand and accept that I have a lot to offer but there's not very much being taken to the table by the men I've met.

I have found a lot of your self confidence is rubbing off on me. So thank you ❤️

So happy for you Deffy…do not settle or compromise with just a nice a bloke. These are good years to look at the second part of our life and pick carefully. This is the thing…feeling illusion, look forward to meeting and being appreciated by someone we feel attracted to physically and emotionally to is key
Roll on the new year. I feel I might be in the apps by March 😂😂😂 but I love having this time off and squeezing the last drops of love with super handsome MrEx. I’m prepared this time to let him go for good. I’ve had a lot of thinking this Christmas. He’s got January 2023 to show me he can change some bits

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 12:09

@Mila14 I don't know if you've seen Ted Lasso?

This is the scene tat will be my 2033

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 12:09

That not tat 🤦‍♀️

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 12:19

2023 FML 🤦‍♀️

confuseddotcom22 · 26/12/2022 12:29

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 12:09

@Mila14 I don't know if you've seen Ted Lasso?

This is the scene tat will be my 2033

Love this, @Definitelycross! Will keep this as my motto for 2023 and forever 😊

Undecidedandtorn · 26/12/2022 12:30

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 12:09

@Mila14 I don't know if you've seen Ted Lasso?

This is the scene tat will be my 2033

I love that clip! Maybe that's my issue with current squeeze- no lightening

Mila14 · 26/12/2022 12:52

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 12:09

@Mila14 I don't know if you've seen Ted Lasso?

This is the scene tat will be my 2033

100% Deffy…nice guy, appropriate socio economics , alright…no fucking spark lighting the air around you. It’s a no. And your gut feeling is never wrong. It’s a comfort man, not someone you fancy crazy and want to be with all the time available.
There are tons of nice guys …

teesguy · 26/12/2022 13:55

@Mila14 @Definitelycross @Thisisworsethananticpated

Thank you for the advice!!

My daughter will be 20 in January. Her mum and I separated about 17 months ago and everything was fine until my ex decided to sit the kids down in January as apparently they needed to know why we had separated, despite my ex and I agreeing that we wouldn't drag the kids into it!

I'm just really struggling with messaging her and only getting a response to maybe 1 in 10 messages. We were really close until this happened. She has also started a job in the same field I work in and I would love to chat to her about it. My messages are usually asking what she has been up to at the weekend, how her job is going, that I miss her, asking if we can meet for coffee, etc. I've never given my side of the story to her, and as much as I want to, I'm not going to do that. I guess I want her to know how much it hurts me when I don't hear back from her and that there are two sides to every story without going in to the detail.

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 14:25

@teesguy

I totally understand but sadly, even though she's 20, she's still seen her parents split up and as difficult as it is she doesn't need to know your side at the moment. Again I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but despite her age she's still your child.

My kids were 15, 18 and 22. Three years ago. They are still totally broken by all of it. Mind you it was an abusive relationship and it is only with time they have seen that clearly.

But even the eldest didn't want to not have a relationship with his dad. In fact he told him he would have one once STBXH accepted what he had done. STBXH said sh but you're only hearing one side of the story....

That was very unhelpful.

By us all, me and my kids, discussing major life events and holidays, conversations etc they saw their dad's behaviour. They recognised it for what it was. They watched me go through Womens Aid.

I never lied to my kids. And I know this is seen as wrong, because I lost contact with one of my oldest friends, I told them what was happening while we split up. I always said that I had no problem with them seeing or speaking to him. I said it was my relationship not theirs that had been broken. (Although in fact they too were victims of the abuse which we found out afterwards).

So, bearing in mind, they saw the effect on me, they knew what happened but they still craved some sort of relationship with their dad.

But when they didn't reply fast enough or with enough detail he stopped making the effort. Even when our granddaughter was born.

I just asked my middle kid about this and he said it now irritates him to see his dads messaged him.

I think, what I'm taking a million words to do, is you've got to suck up the rejection and 'you've ruined my life' (I had all this from them too). And allow them to process and reflect. But never stop trying. I know it feels thankless but they need that constant reassurance when they're going through such a big change.

But I'll stop now. Obviously this is just my observations and I don't know your story.

But I hope you keep that relationship going 🤗

teesguy · 26/12/2022 14:50

@Definitelycross

Thanks for your insight. It's really helpful to see the other side of the story. I have found it especially difficult at this time of year not having contact with her. I think it's also been compounded that my girlfriend is away visiting her sister and her family and I've not had much contact with her either over Christmas - I totally get this but I really miss her.

I probably need to just let things settle down back into a routine after Christmas and not do anything rash while I'm feeling emotional.

I'll keep messaging and asking the questions. Although it hurts a lot not to get a response she will not be able to say I didn't try.

Mila14 · 26/12/2022 15:35

Feel reassured you have redone your life and are happy with your girlfriend. It’s a lot harder for older women with kids at home. I suppose your girlfriend has no kids and is a lot younger? Women, even very young feel awkward about these things. I’m sorry. I hope your ex wife is ok and she can also build her personal life back. Then everything should be easier

teesguy · 26/12/2022 16:05

Mila14 · 26/12/2022 15:35

Feel reassured you have redone your life and are happy with your girlfriend. It’s a lot harder for older women with kids at home. I suppose your girlfriend has no kids and is a lot younger? Women, even very young feel awkward about these things. I’m sorry. I hope your ex wife is ok and she can also build her personal life back. Then everything should be easier

My girlfriend is actually the same age as me and has one son who is a similar age to my eldest.

My youngest dd is 15 and lives with me pretty much full time and I do all the patenting. She only goes to her mum's for tea twice a week tea and the occasional weekend. I encourage her to see her mum but she says she is more comfortable at mine. She has gone to see her mum for a few days so it's just me at home.

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 16:57

teesguy · 26/12/2022 14:50

@Definitelycross

Thanks for your insight. It's really helpful to see the other side of the story. I have found it especially difficult at this time of year not having contact with her. I think it's also been compounded that my girlfriend is away visiting her sister and her family and I've not had much contact with her either over Christmas - I totally get this but I really miss her.

I probably need to just let things settle down back into a routine after Christmas and not do anything rash while I'm feeling emotional.

I'll keep messaging and asking the questions. Although it hurts a lot not to get a response she will not be able to say I didn't try.

This thread is for people who are online dating. Are you? You're talking about your girlfriend.

It sounds to me from what you wrote to @Mila14 too that you are looking at your relationships with your daughters as a prize you can win over your wife.

I'm very happy to give you my perspective but know that it's the one of the parent that had to pick up four peoples' lives and put them together again.

Your daughter is about to turn 20. When kids hit 18 they don't automatically become fully formed adults. You split as she was forming her ideas about the world. Ideas that will inform her view on the world, relationships and men.

Your daughters should be first and foremost in your life. I always think that even if one of mine told their dad where to go he should still be trying to reach out. He is the adult. He should shoulder any anger and resentment, because believe me when I say this it won't be plain sailing for your wife with your daughters too.

I'm not really sure what you're looking for on this thread? We are men and women navigating the world of online dating. You might get a better answer or perspective on a thread about the problem you're experiencing.

Original poster
OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 26/12/2022 18:53

Oh @Definitelycross thanks for posting that clip. I've never heard of Ted Lasso but that short vid and the wonderful piece of writing from the ever wise @Mila14 has made me realise MrCars is far from being a great match for me permanently 🥺

No idea what to do now if anything but several small things over the past few days have left me feeling ambivalent at best, quite eye rolly and also quite icky.

Might keep it going as a winter warmer. Also might not. Tricky territory.

Either way I'll stay off the apps until April at the very least I think. Have a bit of time to gird loins, decompress and think hard.

Christmas is good for a bit of head space, consideration and goal setting isn't it.

Right off to find the rest of this Ted Lasso.

Hope everyone's doing ok with their Boxing Day. I had a blazing row with my 19 year old son earlier. His twin sister told me later she thought he was doing a typical man thing of 'weapons grade incompetence' and was not impressed by him or 'all men' (her words)

OP posts:
Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 19:08

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss it's a fantastic programme very feel good but that scene has stuck with me.

Well I've heard from a guy I was getting on with a month or so back. Can't remember what I called him but he has a whoar body and is 5 years younger. Nice little distraction.

For those of you thinking about your relationships I'm so sorry.

I just really hope that we have some lightning bolts for all of us in 2023 ❤️❤️❤️

Mila14 · 26/12/2022 19:19

teesguy · 26/12/2022 16:05

My girlfriend is actually the same age as me and has one son who is a similar age to my eldest.

My youngest dd is 15 and lives with me pretty much full time and I do all the patenting. She only goes to her mum's for tea twice a week tea and the occasional weekend. I encourage her to see her mum but she says she is more comfortable at mine. She has gone to see her mum for a few days so it's just me at home.

Show quote history

Then you are 1 in thousands. Good for you to keep your daughter with you and good on you picking a person the girls can understand. Chapeau

Mila14 · 26/12/2022 19:26

Deffy and Oncey…lightning bolts galore in 2023. Even if they don’t progress into a full relationship…that spark is a godsend.
Oncey …I totally get you not wanting the apps for a while. See how you feel as the year comes to a close.
Ive heard great things about ted lasso so I will start watching it!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/12/2022 19:35

Definitelycross

go easy there

teesguy has been here on and off for a while
I think he met his gf when he was on the thread actually !

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/12/2022 19:38

I’ve had a few rows with kids too (well one !) who’s VERY emotional right now

today I’ve done a walk a run and bloody pilates to calm down

xmas definitely brings forth the more negative emotions I find

Definitelycross · 26/12/2022 19:39

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/12/2022 19:35

Definitelycross

go easy there

teesguy has been here on and off for a while
I think he met his gf when he was on the thread actually !

Sorry do you mean go easy on teesguy. I apologise for any offence taken but I've experienced a fair bit of this from the other side with children of a similar age. His questions seemed to centre more around questioning his relationship with his daughter rather than OLD.

But, as I say, I'm sorry if I've stepped on any toes of anyone who was here before me.

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