Dating Thread 237 - Wintertide Warmth Support & Festive Frolics and

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Merry Christmas one and all. Thanks for all the support and dating wisdoms...

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I'm so sorry to read this- I really hate it when parents make out the other person to be the bad guy. Also your relationship with your dd is separate with what happened with your ex. Hope your doing ok.

This is the thing though…many after awful divorce and kids in the middle go into selfish ways. I’m not sure they realise how painful it is that we a
ways have their backs but don’t feel supported enough at times. I am going to be boring and say the same thing… communicate. It’s worth a try. Balkan and Serb are very important for you and Jangolina. And you both are in love with them clearly

I agree with all of this 100%

So sorry to hear. No discussion sounds painful, though. Especially since you'd been talking about moving in together. You deserve more. You come across as strong.

Thank you so much -the kindness and wisdom of strangers -MN at its best. I do folllow everyone’s irons but don’t feel wise enough to advise!
Mr Serb sent me a message early today, quite verbose for him saying he hoped I was feeling better this morning telling me how he is going to help me with the practical/technical problems I need to sort that were upsetting me yesterday and even put three kisses on the message unlike his usual frugal one (the one which he only learned from me).
My friend who has seen his messages once commented that it’s like he is sending Morse Code from behind enemy lines under time pressure.

@Mila14 @confuseddotcom22 Thank you
It seems to be irreversible. I've tried to contact him so we could talk but he's ignoring me.

He invited me round to talk things through but had already made up his mind to end it. Bottom line - he felt left out because I was too busy looking after my seriously ill mum.
But rather than say that this was the problem (I asked him what was wrong quite a few times), he decided to test me. He waited to see if I could work out what was wrong by myself. When I didn't, he ended it.

It hurts. But I don't think I want to be with someone who would rather see me suffer than tell me what was bothering him. He'd been waiting for 3 months for me to work it out.

Thanks for the new thread.

Merry Christmas everyone🎄🎅
Hope your Christmas Day has been as good as it could be no matter your situation 💖

Biggest news from me is that on Friday night I bumped in to Mr K who I haven't seen or heard from for over 2 months.
His mate spotted me first and we had a conversation about what I'd been up to and then later in the night Mr K found me and chatted for ages, had a good catch up and all was good until he hold me he still cared about me and the dogs and he has been sad that he hasn't been able to message after my reaction to seeing him in a pub over 2 months ago.
He then ended the night at the pub telling me I looked fit and then ended up in the same club as me trying to make advances, I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye and avoided eye contact all night. In the end my daughter and friends kept an eye on him and when he went to approach me they blocked his way by dancing in front of me.
I know he was drunk but I think he might be regretting his decision.

Anyway, onwards and upwards.....

@NellyTheCake

A man who cannot use his words to express his feelings is not a man who would make a suitable long term partner.

A man who is not happy his girlfriend is caring for her sick mum is not a man who would make a suitable long term partner.

Sounds like you are well rid even though it hurts like hell right now.
You've got this - cry if you need to,scream if you need to, wallow if you need to.

He dumped you because you were taking care of your seriously I’ll mum? What kind of cretin does that? Seriously? What and arsehole!

@nellythecake - the whole "guess what's wrong" is so tedious! Sounds like a lucky escape

Thanks all
I know! He's an idiot. Better to find out now than when we had started living together.

I'm just going to lurk on here and absorb all the great advice. Then maybe start swiping again in the new year.

SortingItOut

did he now
that’s probably taken some of the shine off him and the memories I guess

NellyTheCake

his reasons were terrible and crap
but I’m sure it hurt too x

@NellyTheCake I'm so sorry that's beyond shitty.

I honestly think that some men want out and try to figure out a way of leaving but making it your fault instead. It's cowardly and not addressing it straight on is just not the type of person you want in your life. BUT it hurts so much, I'm so sorry for you 🤗🤗🤗

I changed my profile picture on Match to one I took today. Who knows 🤷‍♀️

I've now had three occasions where I've taken the initiative and contacted a man and had a reply saying thank you but they're already talking to someone else. I've then replied - thank you for letting me know. I don't want a player.

First off I thought I was being palmed off but then my boys, said that if that was the case they'd ignore me. As god knows lots of my initial messages have been ignored.

I had one guy ask me if I was talking with anyone else and when I said yes he said that wouldn't suit him as he wanted to be the only one I was talking to.

OLD is a funny old game.

But my new rules are - don't settle. I was chatting with a guy on Bumble who's replies were just single lines. Then when I explained who was where for Christmas he replied - tbh that sounds complicated. I'm 55, separated with three adult boys, I moved to a different country to them (well my youngest lives with me) 3 years ago - what on earth does he expect?

I've decided definitely not settling, if something feels a bit 'off' I'm not going there. Even if I stay single 🤷‍♀️

@NellyTheCake Wow! What a non-reason. But that whole guessing game - surely we should be able to expect that to not be happening at this age?

@Definitelycross is Match any good?

I've definitely found it better than Bumble. But I wonder if it's geographic.

I live in a very small city in quite a sparsely populated area. So my chances are cut down a lot to start with.

Bumble was a lot more expensive too, so I've only used it with free trials. But I get lots of matches on Match that are over 100 miles way, so swings and roundabouts.

So sorry to hear of those going through mill at moment with breakups or being away from loved ones.

I used to love Christmas but I find it a tough season now as its a reminder of when I knew something had changed with my ex dh and it was beginning of end given his affair had started month before. But kids keep me busy and we have lots of fun as they tend not to bicker for the one day 🤣

Woke up to a lovely merry Christmas message from my old friend/fwb which was lovely. I messaged mr city a merry Christmas which I wish I hadn't done as was going cold turkey with him 🤦‍♀️ (no pun intended)

Have a busy day tomorrow hosting family and then have rest of week keeping kids entertained so no doubt rest of holidays will fly

Reflecting on my day yesterday. I got a message from my eldest to say thank you for her presents so that was something. I think I'm going to write her a letter after Christmas and let her know how I feel and put the ball in her court. I check in with her every week but rarely get a reply and don't think I can continue doing it.

I did have a lovely lunch with my mum and a walk along the sea front. I'm really grateful to be able to do this.

Off for a run in the hills this morning.

Happy Boxing Day 😊

Nothing to lose about texting MrCity. You are clearly infatuated with him. You never know!
Enjoy rest of the holidays. It does go fast!

Deffy, what is wrong with people??? You live with your son and the other 2 are adults. What’s so hard about it? How is that complicated?? Is it because you are not divorced? Any people have legal separation and all affairs in order. They are just not yet divorced for whatever reason. I don’t understand

Well done Teesguy. I’m sure a good walk with your mum worked wonders. It’s nice eldest has sent you a message. Be patient and keep at it.
Advise about letter…don’t write anything negative about her mum. Just focus on how you feel and how you miss eldest D.
Have a pleasant rest of holidays

Wow…how do you feel about him now? Is MrK firmly on your past ? Maybe he felt lonely or without plans for Xmas and decided you would be available. That’s typical male too…🙄
The important thing is that you had fun with your people regardless of him hanging around
Are you seeing someone Sorting? I don’t remember…

Good lurking and best swiping Nelly!

Hello Jangolina…how are you today lovely?
How are you Worsy?
I’ve got cold from hell. Started 22 to be honest. That means I haven’t been able to enjoy my little wine or food really.

I can’t really wait for the start of 2023 like many of you ladies! I think we all want some minor/ big changes.
I’m expectant about MrEx to be honest. I no longer think about him every minute of my day so it’s a lot more grown up but I also know my level of compromise has gone down significantly and I need a clear end to his continuous drama

@teesguy I'm coming in cold as. Don't know the background but I thought I'd answer you as a mum of kids that have nothing to do with their father.

What did you mean about- you can't keep messaging every week? Why not? How old is she? What was the background of you splitting up?

None of my kids have anything to do with my STBXH. But when we first split I advised him if he wanted y maintain any relationship, youngest child was 15, that he needed to make a huge effort with them. Use the word sorry a lot and speak to them about them.

He Whatsapped weekly then it fell off as he didn't get a reply.

I'm sorry this is really harsh to hear but my ex didn't have the option of slowing messages. His kids needed to hear from him. They needed his apologies, his understanding of how much our actions rocked their lives. I faced it all in person but he faced nothing.

Also you are the adult. Keep messaging. Keep that communication open. Why can't you message her more often? Asking what she's up to? Day to day things?

As I say this may come across as harsh but they are kids caught up in this. They think they're grown up but they just want to hear everything will be ok.

teesguy

my eldest isn’t taking to his dad
but in this case his dad really upset him
and he’s not budging (son)

I hope it’s ok if I also pile in with some un asked for advice !

i agree with Mila to 1000% not mention mum
even if she bad mouthed you

from my perspective I totally underestimated how hard it would be for my kids
they lose so much

I’d have the letter focus on you miss her alot
you are sad you don’t see her
you love her very much
and you’d like to see her very much to hear abiut how XYZ is going

how old is she ?

but I’d advise to not even mention divorce mum etc
just focus on her