Dating Thread 237 - Wintertide Warmth Support & Festive Frolics and

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Merry Christmas one and all. Thanks for all the support and dating wisdoms...

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@teesguy just don't do what my exH did and wrote 1 letter telling my eldest DD (not his but he'd been her step dad for 12 years) that he loved her and would be waiting whenever she had processed her emotions about him leaving....

Then when she still hadn't replied 6 weeks later (during which time she hadn't even read the first letter as she was too upset to face it) he sent another (via our youngest daughter) telling her that she obviously didn't care so she was essentially dead to him.

Receiving the second letter on Christmas Day was the catalyst to finally face her fears and read them both.... that was a rollercoaster of emotions in 30 minutes. She felt really guilty for not speaking to him after reading the first... then read the second straight after and bawled her eyes out. She's never acknowledged his existence since and I don't blame her for a second.

Omg that's awful.

@teesguy I think that's along the lines of what I was trying to say, but obviously very clumsily and with a lot of history. I'm sorry.

It's just that sometimes it feels that STBXH thinks he's said sorry enough. Also his new woman told me at the start that my kids would initially find it difficult but that they'd soon get used to him being with someone else.

I truly think he believes that they (and I) should be over it by now.

But again, I have a lot of back issues, it's a very triggering subject I should have passed it by. And for that I do apologise.

We spent Christmas with my parents and my mum is beginning to get quite deaf but she's so defensive and will not do anything about it.
So I get you on the parents thing.
Dad is having palliative cancer care too. Sadly when anything happens to one of them I fear the second will be close behind.
They've been married over 60 years.

I hold a lot of guilt about my massive shitshow of a marriage breakdown adding to their stress too.

It's hard having kids and elderly parents 🤗🤗🤗

It all sounds very difficult.

I can understand the anxiety thing from both sides. I’ve suffered from anxiety and OCD in the past which I’ve had CBT for but I can feel it rising a bit with MrF. I think anything which makes you vulnerable makes you anxious if you’re that way inclined.

However, I would get fed up with someone who used to behave like me IYSWIM. It must be tiring constantly reassuring someone and feeling like that reassurance isn’t believed

@90sfilmsforever

That's a horrible thing for your ex to do to your daughter. I'm finding it really hard not getting much of a response from her but I know I just need to keep the communication channels open. Hopefully she will decide she wants to see me at some point in time.

@Definitelycross

No need to apologise. I'm sorry that you have had to deal with the actions of your ex and left to pick up the pieces with your kids. Your insights have honestly been really helpful. I'm naturally a practical problem solving guy and I guess I get frustrated I can't "fix" the situation, but I know that this isn't just easily fixable. I also know I need to give my DD time to process what has happened in her own time and let her know I will always be here for her. She is amazing and I just want to be part of her life.

Mums are awesome!!

I feel your pain! When I separated with my ex we didn't formally agree time for my youngest DD and said she could split her time between the two houses. This worked for a few months until my DD decided she didn't want to go to her mum's on a weekend. I now have to practically beg my ex to have DD stay over and I'm always on edge that she will change her mind and leaves me stranded.

I'm lucky that my DD has an amazing relationship with my mum and that my mum has said that she will come and look after my daughter if my ex changes her mind. My mum is determine that I need to have a life of my own too.

It sounds like you had a fantastic time with MrF and I hope it works out for you both. MissG has been away visiting family over Christmas, but is back tomorrow.....I'm so excited to see her!!

Have woken up feeling less icky towards current iron (MrCars) and suspect it was the stress of Xmas and general disgruntlement towards lazy entitled menfolk relatives that made me want to bin him off.

Wishing I hadn't rowed with my son. Wish I could rewind the clock and played things differently and been calmer and less fraught.

Christmas is such a fraught time - stress, expectations, everyone on top of each other etc

how are things with your son after the argument?

Oncey…I hear you about your son. We’ve all been there and lost our rag at some point. He will forget the incident. Don’t worry. You love him dearly and you are his mum. That never changes
I don’t understand what the issue is Mr Cars. Which menfolk asked you to ditch him?? Your friends?? If you fancy him and you love being with him it’s your life and your choice an no one else’s. However, you seem unsure about him. Take your time to decide

I was really annoyed at the menfolk of my family doing shag all over Xmas while three women (me and my teen DDs) did all the work. About an hour before he left my son was asked to feed the dog and give him his meds. If I could rewind the clock I'd have just done it myself but his refusal of doing the meds led to me exploding into a 'How dare you after I've worked my socks off etc etc' then instantly into him saying he left home exactly so he didn't have to take anyone shouting at him and I was always horrible to him.
Fact he and his autism were always a root cause of frayed tempers when he lived at home.
He puts himself first and is a messy lazy bugger who sits in his phone, wangs on about his latest awful tattoo, how much he drinks/smokes/STDs he's contracted in front of his nanna but is also a beautiful sensitive lad who I'm incredibly proud of making his way in the world so young with a proper job, girlfriend, paying rent etc.

I was wrong to ask him to do anything and have vowed to from now on treat him like an honoured guest here and have nil expectations. I feel so bad.

I drove him home (long way) via various places he wanted to go yesterday so have made friends and phoned him today telling him how I regret the way things went and wish I could change it. Also that I am proud of him and love him.

I'd have lost it too. My son can be a bit like this (younger and not as extreme) but they really can push your buttons. Sounds like it's all OK now.

It’s making me feel a bit better that so many of us have the same issues at Xmas
I mean I’m sorry everyone having it tough

but it’s clearly universal

aging parents and sick parents
stressed relationships
rows with entitled kids
divorce aftermath messing everyone up
either alone and sad
or in company and sad

I’m off for a run

Hello, may I join you as I am taking my very first steps into the world of OLD.
I'm 55 with three adult kids. Divorced from their Dad 20 years ago and now separating from DH2. I told him it was over in September and he is moving out in two weeks time.
So any advice on which are good dating apps for my age group, I'm looking for friendships first and if there is chemistry then maybe more.
Thank you!

Spot on Worsy.
minefield festivities for most of us
I did CrossFit and Pilates. Feeling like a new woman now

Happy Christmas everyone - @Thisisworsethananticpated hope your run cleared your head - I’ve just been for one too and feel loads better (although came home and immediately gorged on pannetone 😆) - it’s such a challenging time of year.

@teesguy sorry to read of the difficulties with your DD - I admire your persistent approach despite a lack of response; it must be so difficult. And please don’t feel you can’t post on here - lots of us have partners and this thread has always been a bit of a safe haven with old timers often returning to the thread for support.

I’ve got another week off work and am going to use the time to reflect a little on dating matters.. I’m still with MrNice after 6 months (but pensive re long term on this due to him still amicably cohabiting/coparenting) and open set up with MrM which seems to ebb and flow a little but us fairly consistent in the background. I think I’m “topping up” with him to stop me feeling short-changed with MrN. Which leads me to wonder if I should bin both and start again. But I’m having a great time and both are lovely. And work is cranking up to be even more demanding next year. And round I go…..

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Thank you 😊 Everyone says she will come round eventually. I just need to keep believing that it will happen at some point.

My relationship with MissG has been 3 months now and is going really well. I hope I don't end up back in the world of OLD and will continue to lurk on the thread and ask for advice when needed!!

Great to hear you’ve met someone and it’s going well 😊 I hear you re not wanting to have to go back to OLD although I do think each time I’ve had to do so, it’s been a less depressing experience as I don’t seem to get bogged down with the inevitable time-wasters as much as I did.

I read something the other day about life giving you the same lesson over and over until we take the learning from it - tried gently broaching this on a walk with my (three times divorced and all difficult marriages) mother whilst on a bracing walk this afternoon and to say it went over her head would be an understatement. Although OLD is hard, I think many of us here are actively trying to learn the lessons and that can only be a good thing.

Wow…open to set up with MrM! I think you guys deserve a time, even if it doesn’t work because he really really gives you the lightning bolt we talk about. Mr Nice is nice but he lives with his wife and kids and there’s no clear timing for him to leave. Maybe he never leaves. Cut your losses and try Mr M…
I’m back with double lightning bolt Mr Ex after all the dating and I think giving this a chance is a really good option. I will know whether long term is feasible and will cut off my losses by February

So I stupidly messaged Mr "I'm more important than your seriously ill mum" and asked if we could talk.
He said he had nothing more to say.

So I said that playing childish mind games is probably the reason why he has 2 failed marriages and a string of failed relationships. And maybe he should grow up and learn to communicate.

Then I deleted him. And set myself up on Tinder and Bumble.

But oh dear!! The choice of men in their 50s is very poor 😬

Not worth the effort Nelly…but good you will end this year fully ready to avoid bullshit in every way
There really is no talking to that kind of man
Onwards and upwards 2023

Thanks, my mum is from Yorkshire, so made of tough stuff, but last few years it’s been one heath thing after another, hip replacement, fractured pelvis, heart condition, now bowl cancer, she is early 80s now and still feisty and independent but quite unsteady on her pins really.

The pause button kinda fell a bit naturally really, I’ve been away quite a lot and not seen NoShow in person for a few weeks & she was clearly getting a bit anxious about Christmas & me not really being present and conscious so I suggested we just took a step back for a while ( not sure she was too happy about this really),
I have also noticed that I messaged her twice today ( the dreaded double message), neither of which have been replied too ( both read), so could be over I suspect

If it is over, I’m not going back on the apps, there was such little interest on there for me ( no offence to the women reading this, but the way women don’t respond really used to piss me off, no even a thanks but no thanks ).

so will probably become a grumpy old man, maybe look for some kinda FWB thing, but I suspect even that won’t happen for me.

Unfortunately I found the same, the choice of women in their 50s for me was limited and pretty poor quality ( apologies, I know this female forum)

Really sorry to read your Dad is having palliative care, I went through the same thing with my Dad, when it was obvious he was terminal and at the end, his wish was to go home and die, we moved him into his living room and he died there about 10 days later - that was pretty tough.

@NoDatingForOldMen and @NellyTheCake I am with you. I just can't believe the guys are in their 50s. All of them have said that women in their 50s are rude and have tick lists.

I agree with the thank you but no thank you too.

But one of the worst traits are one sentence few word answers, not asking you anything back. Then a blunt - so are we going to meet? Like I'm a commodity.

An old iron I think I called him MrB was messaging all day yesterday then nothing today.

But I feel very strongly that I'm not going to settle. I might have a few saucy dates but if they don't pan out then I'm not going to plan further ahead.

@NoDatingForOldMen thank you for the thoughts on my dad.

I think that's one reason I'm trying not to get too tied up in OLD (famous last words) but I've got an awful feeling I'll be needed by them a lot over the next year.