Genuinely confused about what to do - dating

[Givinguponthissituation]

i (40) started seeing a man (48) at the beginning of September. We both have very busy jobs and divorced with DC and live two hours away from each other but both work in London.

At the beginning of dating we had quite an intense experience - seeing each other 2-3 times a week and going away together for 5 days (i went on a work trip and he opted to come with me - he owns his own business) where we first slept together. We both agreed it was wonderful, we got close, loved being together etc, not easy to stay in a hotel room for 5 days with someone you don’t know well etc. He told me he thought he “could really fall for me.”

he warned me in mid-nov that the lead up to Christmas would be crazy busy for him and he’d be less available. I assumed we would snatch time when we could but it did not work out like that. He was in London frequently going to various work related events and saying he would call / text when he had finished but then texting late and saying he was heading home. His DC also got quite ill with bugs (as did everyone) and so he stopped coming into London and worked from home. He was also not particularly consistent with contact. It averaged a few whatsapps every other day and a call 2-3 times a week. I would have liked more but did not over - text and took his lead.

i naturallly withdrew over this period as I took it to mean he was not as into me as I was into him (I certainly would have made the space and effort if I really liked someone.) When I initially withdrew he got upset and called and texted me a series of times telling me it was just difficult during this period and we would see each other a lot in the new year.

there we’re two events over the last two weeks that he said he’d see me after (both ended at 9/10 at night) but he went home instead and texted me. One of them he apparently thought it was too late (the event had gone on until 11.30) and the other he had to get home to look after his DC who were off school with illness the next day. He very much left me to draw conclusions of my own rather than be specific. For eg the first event, I had got dressed up and was waiting by the phone at 9.30 for him to call to say where to meet. Instead he texted at 11.30 saying his event had gone on longer and he was on his way home. No call or anything.

I withdrew again as I felt if he really wanted to see me he would have made the effort.

after 2 days of not responding to his contact with me, he sent me an email and a text. In the email were two tickets to NYC on 22jan and a hotel booking, and the text said the following:

I’m really sorry about the last few weeks. I don’t mean to give mixed messages.
I have an idea what you’re thinking but it’s not true. Work has been frantic, always is at this time as I’m sure it is with you. You are on my mind a lot, and when we speak and I see you it reminds me how much I miss time together. The new year will bring us more time. Xxx

this week I have been away in France with DC and he and I have had balanced, contact. It is not enough for me as it is but the future promise of “next year” keeps me hopeful. I don’t know what to think. Every time I bring it up or give him a chance to get out of it, he insists he doesn’t want that, or. Says something like “please don’t dump me for what I can’t control.”

what do you all think?

I think as utterly cringe-making as it may be, you have to tell your CEO or ask someone to tell them on your behalf, perhaps G contacting them enclosing a statement of facts from you.

I'm presuming that it was perfectly legitimate for you to start a relationship with this person (i.e. no rules against it) and you don't have to make out that you told him all your company's secrets, just that he may have overheard work calls/seen emails pop up on your phone for example which is probably what happened unless you are both people who constantly discuss work.

Work case scenario you have to leave your job, but if he gets onto the board you'll also need to leave since he'll then be sitting there spreading malign gossip about you and damaging your professional reputation in a more long term way.
I do really doubt that if you front up you'll get into any real trouble though, he's clearly the bastard here and you were dating him in good faith. Not expecting him to be using you as a sidepiece and stealing professional secrets!

You need to get in with the CEO and control the narrative, quickly. G should advise.

You have no choice, he forced your hand.

Be transparent and honest.

Come clean - my narc ex tried to destroy my career by emailing the CEO, Director of HR, and other (outing) senior directors about me - detailing very personal lies about things I had apparently done and implying I had breached confidentiality.

I came clean, work were incredibly supportive and the legal team wrote to him in the end, took months as it went on for ages and ages, but that stopped him, finally!

You need to get in with the CEO and control the narrative, quickly. G should advise.

This.

You poor fkg thing op.

He'd essentially commited a type of romantic fraud against you, lying about being a single Dad.

Now he's trying to undermine and damage your reputation in your industry.

No doubt part because he's been caught and is aware what you can tell people about him.

He thought he was going to have a relationship (an affair but you didn't know it) for as long as it suited him and use you for career advancement while he was at it. You discovering his lies and dumping him has put a spanner in the works. You weren't supposed to dump him and be if no use to him. You were supposed to be if use to him for as long as he wanted. His nose is out out and he almost wants to spite you be achieving what he wanted even though you've dumped him and won't be helping him in any way.

He seems like a proper sociopath/psychopath..
It's also sickening that you are from an unprivileged background and have achieved what you have, he is from a v privileged background... And the fkg snake is trying to damage your career.

Get all the facts out to everyone important. He is extremely low integrity, he presented himself as a divorced single Dad, had a relationship with you, you were due to join him on his next business trip, you had suspicions, you found out he's married and has been cropping his wife out of photos he sent you ... You dumped him, he's now aggressively pursuing the nomination he asked you for avd maligning your reputation.

Come clean

That suggests she's done something wrong.

She's done nothing wrong.

She had a relationship with a man who told her he was single.

What an awful man! I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Another aspect of this is that I can’t see how your company would really want someone like this man on the board. They are presumably being shown his ‘nice’ side but he isn’t that person is he? Think of the disruption he could cause to the business in the future, as well as to you personally. If you can talk to your CEO, this is definitely an angle I’d consider.

Well, it does sound like she's been led into saying too much about her company to the point of giving this guy an inside track/unfair advantage over competitors, so she has a bit. Nothing terrible, but I don't think "coming clean" is totally misplaced.

How are you doing @Givinguponthissituation?

I'm back for an update and some support.

He was in NYC last week (and I was not there, even though he had previously sent the tickets to me (as per my previous OP)) The reason I know is because he met my CEO there and (luckily, or maybe not so luckily) my CEO cc'd me into his reply email to him after their meeting, which he had sent following up on the things they had spoken about, including the seat on the board and various other initiatives and grabby things the bastard wants from the company which would technically involve me too.

CEO is in London in late Feb and suggested in the email we all meet (including G and R) to discuss plans.

G and R say I have three choices: 1. cut bastard out completely, refuse to endorse him professionally when asked, refuse to go to meetings with him very publically, make it clear there is an "issue", continue to not speak to him, get people to question what is going on and why I have reservations 2. Tell CEO what has happened, including the fact I may have been a bit indiscreet about company info and how to influence internally, and see how willing he is to bear this in mind when judging whether bastard can get the things he is asking for. 3. Make myself not a threat, send bastard a "peace-making" whatsapp saying I am excited about future plans and working together and I hope we can be friends, just to minimise anything backfiring on me. G said that he thinks bastard is a machiavellian character who will just cause me further issues if I take a stand and it's just not worth it for me.

Meanwhile I am still trying to recover from being conned so much, used so much, the fact he's got away with it, he's fucking married, and it's done nothing but fuck me up emotionally and perhaps professionally.

Do you think he’d actually be good at the job? Do you get the impression the CEO liked him?
If yes I’d maybe go for 3.
If not likely the truth will out anyway so best to be up front with CEO and see what he makes of it all.

Just re read the posts. Do you have good will with your CEO does he like you?
I think I’d be tempted to put in a call with the CEO and explain that you won’t be able to endorse X personally because you believe you’ve been manipulated into helping him with the role on the board and it makes you concerned about how he would conduct himself professionally. However now everyone is aware you’d support their decision on whether they believe he is suitable for the board role.

BTW are there any other candidates? If I was the CEO I’d probably want to avoid any personal issues becoming company drama myself and it doesn’t reflect well on him (assuming he won’t start lying and say you knew he was married). I think I would wonder as CEO why you haven’t mentioned it before the NYC meetings given you knew they were meeting.

In all honesty, I think you've fucked option 2 by not acting sooner and allowing him to get his feet under the table this far - you needed to do it a couple of weeks ago at least. Your CEO now has face to lose.

I'd start looking to jump elsewhere, tbh.

If you do option 3, FGS do not believe he won't aim to get rid of you. He's already lied about you and whatever you say, however much you try to appease him and pretend you're fine with it, he would be thick not to see you as a potential threat. He will totally judge you on his own standards.

I think your best bet is to get sorted for a job with a competitor.

Get a new job asap. You've behaved unethically and aren't now coping with the fallout well.

The only conceivable ethical action is 2. But as has been pointed out you've left it so late to do the right thing I doubt you'll come through it with any merit.

I’m sorry this is still an ongoing hassle for you, but I agree with this.

Why didn’t you come clean BEFORE New York? The CEO should have known all about his slimy ways long before the meeting in New York. You have left it too long now and allowed him to get his feet right under the table. It’s a bit like how it was left too long to tell his wife. Once again he’s come out on top.

I think you’re in a no win situation now. You either risk the embarrassment of option 1 or you look for a new job because there’s no doubt in my mind that if you stay, he will make your position untenable.

I have not behaved unethically. I was pursued for a long time, I thought I was starting a new relationship and told him the usual things about my work and colleagues like anyone would, and he appeared to be just as open with me. Except he wasn't: he was married and had lied to me about it and was actually looking to get a role on the board of my company.

I have been holding off taking action on the advice of my colleagues/seniors R and G who are advising me to watch and wait.

Unfortunately I think that advice was poor - he's certainly not watching and waiting, he's absolutely seizing his chances and you've been on the backfoot the whole time.

I'm sorry you're in the situation. I really think you should look around for other opportunities and leave gracefully. I suspect he'll make your life a misery if not.

Again @category12 is spot on.

I think R and G have been looking to do damage limitation thinking of the company and potentially their positions rather than giving any consideration to you and how you’ve been right royally screwed by that bastard. Their “advice” has been poor and not with your best interests at heart.

What they hope for and have hoped for all along is that you go for option 3. Let’s all play nicely and pretend none of this ever happened.

He hasn’t played nicely. He hasn’t waited. He’s been feathering his nest.

You can’t win. Option 3 will mean that he’s won but he will try and get rid of you because you know too much, so ultimately you’ll be looking for another job regardless. Your only other alternative is to blow this wide open but you risk the fallout that will bring. You’ve been too passive for too long.

I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s absolutely shit.

I think you should tell him to back the fuck off or you're going to tell his wife and the CEO. Then do exactly that if he doesn't piss off.

If he doesn't back off he's going to blow you up now or in the future anyway when he gets onto the Board. So do it on your terms.

Alternatively tell the CEO now and say you didn’t mention it before NYC as you know him to be unreliable and thought yge meetup was unlikely to happen?

He must be a right sociopath… going after a job with you cc’d in the emails is weird.
Are you not directly involved in senior decisions in the company, are you in an executive PA role for example? Is that why you’re aware of meetings of seniors, cc’d in mails… and would have some valuable ‘intel’?….
Maybe he thinks your position isn’t really going to impact his chances of getting the job or why would he still be going for it?

Gosh, what a buggers muddle with a massive side order of emotional angst!

I think that talking to the CEO might be the best way forward and tell him you have been groomed and manipulated, he is unethical and unprofessional.

If he does get a board position, expect him to be angling to get you out.
You have served your purpose and are an ongoing threat to him.

Awful position to be in. I am so sorry for you, he sounds like a narcissist.

You have got nothing (yet everything, unfortunately) to lose at this stage so I think you should come clean with your CEO about the ‘brief relationship’ now, but tell the story as simply as possible. I don’t think R and G need to be mentioned in this conversation either. You should also do it in a way that doesn’t appear like you’re trying to influence the CEO’s decision on things. The CEO does not want to know of drama and he will not want to lose face by it being insinuated that he has been indirectly manipulated by this d!ckhead. I wouldn’t mention that you’ve told him confidential things either. He can come to his own decisions on things I’m sure.

I haven’t read every single post but I see people have been advising you to choose something resembling your option 2 for a while. From what I’ve read I think this is still the best course of action unless you want to move jobs quickly.

I think R and G have been looking to do damage limitation thinking of the company and potentially their positions rather than giving any consideration to you and how you’ve been right royally screwed by that bastard.

This. As Remona says, R & G's first responsibility & loyalty is to the company, not you. While they may be sympathetic and like you personally, it's in their interests to see which way the wind blows, not yours.

Yes I agree. R and G are going to be prioritising a) their own careers and b) the company before yours.

But I don't think option 2 is fucked and I still think it's your best course of action.

Now the CEO has copied you into his reply, 1 is going to make you look stupid. Why didn't you say anything before? 3 is going to backfire.

Do 2 and get in touch with headhunters too.

Be under no illusions, R and G want you to do option 3. They’ve absolutely sold you down the river with their watch and wait claptrap. They want a quiet life and for this to all go away.

Just how much say, if any, do you actually have in approving his position on the board? I think it’s pretty crucial to what you do next. If you have any say at all and/or you have any influence with the CEO, you need to be getting it all out there so that no one is under any illusions about what an unscrupulous snake he is. Once he’s in and on the board, it’s too late and you are shafted. If this were me, I would do everything in my power to put a spanner in the works for him. I bet he can’t believe his luck at how passive you’ve been.

I stand by something I said earlier in the thread

Call me an old cynic, but I can’t help but wonder if he actually sought you out at the start knowing what you could provide

It seems crystal clear now that once he knew of your involvement in the process, he has actively engineered a relationship purely for the purposes of obtaining insider information which makes him an even bigger bastard.