Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Genuinely confused about what to do - dating

289 replies

Givinguponthissituation · 24/12/2022 06:55

i (40) started seeing a man (48) at the beginning of September. We both have very busy jobs and divorced with DC and live two hours away from each other but both work in London.

At the beginning of dating we had quite an intense experience - seeing each other 2-3 times a week and going away together for 5 days (i went on a work trip and he opted to come with me - he owns his own business) where we first slept together. We both agreed it was wonderful, we got close, loved being together etc, not easy to stay in a hotel room for 5 days with someone you don’t know well etc. He told me he thought he “could really fall for me.”

he warned me in mid-nov that the lead up to Christmas would be crazy busy for him and he’d be less available. I assumed we would snatch time when we could but it did not work out like that. He was in London frequently going to various work related events and saying he would call / text when he had finished but then texting late and saying he was heading home. His DC also got quite ill with bugs (as did everyone) and so he stopped coming into London and worked from home. He was also not particularly consistent with contact. It averaged a few whatsapps every other day and a call 2-3 times a week. I would have liked more but did not over - text and took his lead.

i naturallly withdrew over this period as I took it to mean he was not as into me as I was into him (I certainly would have made the space and effort if I really liked someone.) When I initially withdrew he got upset and called and texted me a series of times telling me it was just difficult during this period and we would see each other a lot in the new year.

there we’re two events over the last two weeks that he said he’d see me after (both ended at 9/10 at night) but he went home instead and texted me. One of them he apparently thought it was too late (the event had gone on until 11.30) and the other he had to get home to look after his DC who were off school with illness the next day. He very much left me to draw conclusions of my own rather than be specific. For eg the first event, I had got dressed up and was waiting by the phone at 9.30 for him to call to say where to meet. Instead he texted at 11.30 saying his event had gone on longer and he was on his way home. No call or anything.

I withdrew again as I felt if he really wanted to see me he would have made the effort.

after 2 days of not responding to his contact with me, he sent me an email and a text. In the email were two tickets to NYC on 22jan and a hotel booking, and the text said the following:

I’m really sorry about the last few weeks. I don’t mean to give mixed messages.
I have an idea what you’re thinking but it’s not true. Work has been frantic, always is at this time as I’m sure it is with you. You are on my mind a lot, and when we speak and I see you it reminds me how much I miss time together. The new year will bring us more time. Xxx

this week I have been away in France with DC and he and I have had balanced, contact. It is not enough for me as it is but the future promise of “next year” keeps me hopeful. I don’t know what to think. Every time I bring it up or give him a chance to get out of it, he insists he doesn’t want that, or. Says something like “please don’t dump me for what I can’t control.”

what do you all think?

OP posts:
Shitfather · 28/12/2022 21:50

VisaGeezer · 28/12/2022 18:22

Why Is everyone pushing her to contact his wife

Everyone isn't, it's quite split.

I'd encourage it because a. His wife should know he represents himself as a divorced, single Dad to people - including people in his industry. She should know he's sending women he's pirdurd relationships with photos of their family with her cropped out. She should know he's sexually active with other women. She should know she's at risk of new STDs she would've thought she was not at risk of. Including potentially "silent" ones like clamydia and HPV. She should know he has "companions on his business trips..She should know he's making a farce of their marriage. She should know he probably spends some family money on other women. I could go on.

If she knows about this, if there's any other abuse (and this is a type of abuse) in their relationship or if she's caught him before, she might decide to get out.

If she doesn't at least she'll.know, if he's caught again in future, that's it's not the first time and will be less likely to fall for the depression, one off, out of character, you were ignoring me etc script and waste more of her life with him; the man who crops her out of photos to send to women he's fucking.

Op has been the victim of a kind of fraud by him too, and he should face the natural consequences of inflicting "romantic" fraud on another person.

Great post.

Frazzledmummy123 · 28/12/2022 23:10

crimbocountdown · 24/12/2022 07:31

Honestly.....you sound a bit hard work/needy/too high an expectation OP?

He warned you he would be busy.....he has been

You know he has children and they've been unwell and he has taken time to care for them and prioritised them over you as you would your own children over him (hopefully!)

So if he had dropped his kids to see you you'd have posters shouting red flags everywhere

You're "withdrawing" and ignoring his messages for 2 days sounds quite manipulative?

And you sound very naive and a total pushover 🙄

JangolinaPitt · 29/12/2022 06:09

Given the enormous level of deception here I do think you should tell his wife.

Zanatdy · 29/12/2022 06:12

Oh what an arse. I personally would weigh up carefully like you say any potential damage to your career. His wife might know all about his cheating ways. Maybe she turns a blind eye. I’d just let him know that you know he’s married. Unbelievable that it’s all there on his FB for anyone to see and he blatantly lies.

harrassedmumto3 · 29/12/2022 06:37

You'd have pulled the plug if not for New York. Have enough self-respect for this not to be the reason you put up with his 'breadcrumbing' treatment.
Flowers

harrassedmumto3 · 29/12/2022 06:40

Oops, sorry, have just read the 'married' update.

daisychain01 · 29/12/2022 09:33

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2022 18:41

Tbf what does it matter if he knows it was you. I mean get hardly gonna go 'yeah I was cheating with her and got caught' at work is he xD maybe I'm spiteful but I would out him everywhere, not just to his wife. I'd tell his boss xD but especially if he is in a job that requires integrity (eg: managing money) or give him power over others (management) or vulnerable groups (care home ect).

he had asked me if I could nominate him to be on the board of one of the subsidiary companies of the one of I work for (this would be prestigious in the industry he works in). This is a huge deal, something only I could nominate/grant and I said we could talk about it today.

Developing on your thought, @Pinkbonbon how tantalising it would be for the OP to recommend to the board that they do not even think about accepting "Mr New York" to sit on the board of their company due to the OPs major concerns about his lack of honesty, integrity and failure to exhibit ethics in their interactions.

which will force Mr New York to have to explain himself. That would be an interesting one, wouldn't it.....

VisaGeezer · 29/12/2022 09:42

for me it’s a risky thing for the OP
the wife could turn nasty
he could turn nasty

That is why I recommended op gather her evidence, send it to his wife, and delete any account she sent it from.

If his wife tries to contact her through any other means, she doesn't have to respond. She doesn't have to communicate with her.

If either of them insist on trying to contact op through any means, a short message about harassment would be relevant. They cannot accuse her of harassment if she sends one message and never contacts either of them again.

I have already asked op whether he could damage her career in any way and got no answer .... But given he's the one looking for professional help from her, it seems unlikely.

VisaGeezer · 29/12/2022 09:45

Personally I think that if her evidence is clear enough; he'll be too busy fighting for his marriages survival, to be hounding op and risking a harassment suit.

VisaGeezer · 29/12/2022 09:50

And I'd like to see them take one message or email with screenshots of his communications with op, plans for trips with op etc. to the police - clearly illustrating he's been sleeping with her, clearly illustrating he's inviting her on his next business trip .... And accuse her of harassment.

If she only sends one communication and blocks all contact with both, they won't have a case.
And it would be embarrassing having his infidelity and planned further infidelity in black and white in front of them in a police interview. It would be clear it was malicious in their parts.

Frazzledmummy123 · 29/12/2022 10:19

I definitely think the wife needs to know what type of man she is married to, however she is as much a victim in this as the OP and her world is about to fall apart, so if OP decides to tell her, she needs to do it in the least brutal way.

Shitfather · 29/12/2022 11:19

Any chance they are in an open marriage? I’m astounded he’d leave so much evidence of a marriage behind along with the “I know what you are thinking” comment.

QueenConsort · 30/12/2022 09:26

Tell the wife

DatingDinosaur · 30/12/2022 17:58

OP, please come back and update us!

I'm sat here thinking you've decided you're not telling her, you're not confronting/dumping him because you've decided to become The Other Woman Confused

Original poster
Givinguponthissituation · 30/12/2022 22:22

Hi All - I still haven't decided. I've been trying to deal with my feelings about it. I know I shouldn't but I've been looking back at old messages and feeling so stupid. He used to send me messages in the middle of the day saying "tell me something about yourself you think I should know..." And I would reply with these long, open thoughts about my past and my insecurities and my divorce and things I thought would be interesting about myself . I really thought we were two people damaged by divorce and relationship break ups finding solace and kindred spirits in each other. Going over it and seeing it written I just feel so embarrassed.

The other aspect of it was that when we started dating (ie when he started cheating on his wife) I was convinced he was too good for me. In terms of success, social standing. He owned his own business, made a lot of money, I come from a working class background. He is very much upper-middle to upper class. This is obviously a chip on my shoulder that has been activated but again I am feeling this huge "not good enough" voice in my head. I look at pictures of his wife on facebook and she is obviously from a similiar kind of background. I feel so much shame and embarrassment that I ever thought this might be an option for me.

As for telling her, I think I should. But I need to get over these feelings of shame. I don't want to be doing it out of resentment and my inferiority complex and unresolved issues being activated. I want to do it for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givinguponthissituation · 30/12/2022 22:24

He has been in touch. More sort of "how are you doing?" messages which I haven't replied to.

I have been prescribed an anti depressant. Think I will start taking it tomorrow

OP posts:
dizzyupthegirl86 · 30/12/2022 22:49

It hurts now, but well done for how you’ve dealt with it so far. I think you’ve been strong and stuck to your guns.

you don’t owe him a response. You don’t have to do anything at all yet. If you’re not sure whether to reply, then don’t reply yet.

as someone else said, he’s probably going to new York for business, but he’s been very calculating and made it seem different for you.

you’ve not lost anything other than maybe a bit of pride, whereas he’s shown himself to be a piece of shit, who can kiss goodbye to you advancing his career for him.

category12 · 30/12/2022 23:14

You've nothing to be ashamed of.

You thought he was what he said he was, you trusted him - he's the shitheel that lied and faked. He's the one that has done the shameful thing.

It's nothing about you being not good enough - he's not good enough for you.

category12 · 30/12/2022 23:17

And don't forget, he was trying to use you for a leg-up, so you must be successful in your own right to be in that position?

But you didn't get there by grubbing around trying to con & wheedle favours out of people, did you?

You're worth ten of him.

DatingDinosaur · 31/12/2022 00:31

You do deserve all those things OP. It's just this man is not the one to provide them.

I think the shame is misplaced. He hoodwinked you. He was the one that knew he is married and chose to lie about that for his own selfish purposes.

It might be very cathartic for you to give him a piece of your mind. Turn that shame and hurt to anger and let rip!

cinnamonpearl · 31/12/2022 02:30

Please don't tap into the "should I/should I not" narrative and how you feel she is of a similar social class to you. That's all peripheral. He is married, and cheating on his wife. Do not be an accomplice to that.

MargotMoon · 31/12/2022 09:03

Just read your updates since Boxing Day - what a bastard!!! Thank god you have found the answer you needed!! Please don't waste another second on feeling stupid, just be thankful you can cut all ties and move on.

OhamIreally · 31/12/2022 09:39

Givinguponthissituation · 30/12/2022 22:24

He has been in touch. More sort of "how are you doing?" messages which I haven't replied to.

I have been prescribed an anti depressant. Think I will start taking it tomorrow

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Remember that your silence in not replying is already its own reply. Just as when his failure to text you was a message to you.

If you don't want to contact him and maintain instead an elegant silence then you will have told him everything he needs to know.

You sound like a thoughtful and decent person- way too good for him and do not feel ashamed. His behaviour is shameful.

crispsandnuts · 31/12/2022 09:46

I was in the other situation, the long suffering wife who didn't know he was leading a double life.
We both got scraps of his time while he juggled his two lives and 'work'.
He also cropped me out of photos to look like a single dad, beyond pathetic.
We're divorced now, he's still with the OW as she forgave his years of endless lies and deceit. I just laugh at them now....

Please tell her, give her the opportunity to get rid of this giant bellend.

Remona · 31/12/2022 10:29

Sorry you’re hurting, OP. It’s a rubbish situation to be in but you have handled it brilliantly so far.

I know exactly what you mean about the embarrassment and shame when you look back at things you did and said and how you interpreted their behaviour because I was once in a not dissimilar situation with someone of a different class and professional status. For a long time I felt humiliated whenever I thought about it. Now, of course, I realise he was just a user and a bit of a prat 😂

I think his wife needs to know. It’s unlikely to have been his first rodeo either. Don’t give the game away yet. Do not let him know that you know else you’ll be giving him the chance to get his story straight. He needs to be kept in the dark in exactly the way you were. Bide your time, deal with the hurt and get yourself to a stronger place before you drop him in it. When he’s out of the country in late January might be a good time to do it. He needs to be caught completely off guard about this.