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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum winced when I talked about first holiday with new boyfriend

136 replies

Carriebosse · 23/12/2022 20:55

I’m in a new relationship (3ish months) and it’s going well. Now back home for Christmas and mentioned that I wanted to tell them about a holiday we had just been on - my mum visibly winced when I said this.

feeling a bit hurt, I’m 30, he’s a nice guy - I haven’t really seen my parents in person much since it all happened. I obviously want to tell them about him.

Ive changed the subject but feel a bit sad that they’re not interested. They do know about him but give me my moment maybe. It’s still the honeymoon period

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 23/12/2022 20:56

Maybe she felt it was early days to be going on holiday. Or maybe she’s concerned you’re not over a previous relationship?

Original poster
Carriebosse · 23/12/2022 20:58

It was a three day European trip and we’ve both been single for a while. It felt more like she just didn’t want me to discuss him. Just felt a bit subdued - she’s the kind of person who will tell me all about random people she has met on the street / doing her shopping (and how great their sons in law are) but doesn’t have a few mins to indulge me about my new relationship.

OP posts:
PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 23/12/2022 20:58

12 wks in is Very soon for a holiday together. I'd be worried too. Is DP the same age/earns like you? I'd be worried either about you being taken advantage of financially or rebounding tbh.

Lollypop701 · 23/12/2022 20:59

Is it because you shared a bedroom at only 3 months, mine would be the same. Just ignore and carry on if so

Original poster
Carriebosse · 23/12/2022 20:59

Yep same age and we probably earn the same amount - we’re both 30 and high earners. He probably pays for more than I do.

OP posts:
PeaceJoySleep · 23/12/2022 20:59

The solution is to experience the discomfort that your mums lack of approval causes and just sit with it, ignore it, let it pass.

i know that sounds incredibly trite but the worst thing you can do in this situation is modify your behaviour to meet your mum's approval.

If she has some good points to make, would you be open to listening to her? Try and see if she's open to a conversation where you air your own fears but let her know that you would enjoy the holiday whether it works out or not! and then let her tut. And ignore the tut.

It's hard I know.

Original poster
Carriebosse · 23/12/2022 21:00

There’s wasn’t any disapproval - she just didn’t want to hear it!

OP posts:
PacificallyRequested · 23/12/2022 21:01

What's to tell?! Oh yeah Dave and I went to Prague, we had a great time but it was a bit chilly. End of conversation.

Original poster
Carriebosse · 23/12/2022 21:01

As in, she didn’t want to make any points. Just didn’t want to hear it.

I don’t feel like a 3 day break is that extreme at 3 months in? For two 30 year old childless adults? As I say, we’re both responsible and financially independent. We haven’t moved in together or anything.

Feels like my mum just doesn’t care about my personal life.

OP posts:
PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 23/12/2022 21:02

Have your previous relationships been dramatic? I have a cousin who thrives on drama and especially in relationships, when she announces a new boyfriend we are all Hmm here we go! IYSWIM

Parroteets · 23/12/2022 21:03

Maybe she's worried and also a little jealous?

Parroteets · 23/12/2022 21:03

Sorry, envious!

Unicorn717 · 23/12/2022 21:04

Does she care about other things you tell her?

Zanatdy · 23/12/2022 21:04

A 3 day break is fine. I’ve been seeing someone a month and would go on a break with him right now! But I have known him for 3yrs via work

minticecreamisjustok · 23/12/2022 21:05

Perhaps because it's early days and if you've had a few bfs before where it hasn't worked out, she's a bit skeptical?

Parroteets · 23/12/2022 21:07

Zanatdy · 23/12/2022 21:04

A 3 day break is fine. I’ve been seeing someone a month and would go on a break with him right now! But I have known him for 3yrs via work

But your circs are not comparable at all because you've known him for three years !

Wolfiefan · 23/12/2022 21:08

I’m with Pacifically. What is there to say really?

Lurkingandlearning · 23/12/2022 21:09

Do you have any idea why she wasn’t interested?

A bit off subject, but I think 3 months in is a perfect time for a mini break. Going on a trip with someone shines a light on any cracks.

Original poster
Carriebosse · 23/12/2022 21:10

Actually no, I’ve dated a lot but this is the first relationship I’ve had where it’s felt right / good. I’m not dramatic and don’t tell her a lot about relationships tbh. So yeah my first serious boyfriend I guess even tho it is early days - feels fairly stable although I’m a cynic so enjoying it for what it is tbh.

i also got a bonus a few days ago from my work for 70% of my salary and again it was a oh great, well done and move on. No real acknowledgment of pride or happiness. I just can’t imagine treating my child like this (I’d be thrilled for them, their hard work etc) but this has been a running theme throughout childhood and indeed adulthood so not sure why I’m surprised!

OP posts:
Original poster
Carriebosse · 23/12/2022 21:10

Thanks for the comments btw, they’re helpful and helping me to see things from all sides

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 23/12/2022 21:11

Depends on the context here. You might have a history of getting excited too soon and it all going to pot.

Original poster
Carriebosse · 23/12/2022 21:12

Also bluntly even if it doesn’t work out… We had a great three days together so what’s not to like? We’ve treated each other well and he’s a good guy or at least has been to date. Is it so hard to be happy for me?

she’s been saying for years that all she wants is me to be happy and find a boyfriend who treats me right. I have and am happy. She doesn’t want to know lol

OP posts:
supercali77 · 23/12/2022 21:14

So its not just about this relationship then? She has a habit of not really being interested in your High points ? What is she interested in where you're concerned?

theswoot · 23/12/2022 21:15

I am surprised at the people doing the mental gymnastics to justify your mum’s position. I get the feeling from your OP and follow-ups that there’s more to it than just this instance with your mother, and I don’t think it’s fair that she’s not being a bit more outwardly supportive of you - if you’re not in any danger then she should keep any misgivings to herself. I also don’t think it’s weird to go in a weekend break with a new person if you’re having a good time together - people have got married after less time!

Sickofcoughing · 23/12/2022 21:15

This is hurtful OP. My mum was the same when I met my DP. I still don't know why. She can be very dismissive.

Sorry I've no advice except to say it's her stuff and don't let it take the sheen off for you.

How's it going anyway? Tell us about the new man and the holiday.

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