Mum winced when I talked about first holiday with new boyfriend

[Carriebosse]

I’m in a new relationship (3ish months) and it’s going well. Now back home for Christmas and mentioned that I wanted to tell them about a holiday we had just been on - my mum visibly winced when I said this.

feeling a bit hurt, I’m 30, he’s a nice guy - I haven’t really seen my parents in person much since it all happened. I obviously want to tell them about him.

Ive changed the subject but feel a bit sad that they’re not interested. They do know about him but give me my moment maybe. It’s still the honeymoon period

Sorry you got a 70% salary bonus?? Wtf do you do??? I got £25 😂

If this was me and my daughter, I'd ask tooooo many questions 😊while trying to seem calm, relaxed and moderately interested 😂.

Don't let your mum play games with you OP, focus on your self and on your happy relationship.

The holiday story is a red herring - the lack
of interest over the bonus tells me a lot more.
Your mother is envious of your achievements.
That’s what some mothers are like, especially towards their daughters.

OP maybe this is more about your mum than you, is she envious of your earning power, life, etc ?

OP I think a lot of people are a bit weird about new relationships. Don’t know what to say / avoid / denigrate.

for parents I think being confronted by the likelihood your (adult) children are sexually active, as weekend away implies can make that worse.

and it sounds like your mum (parents?) are pretty self centred and not that engaged with your life.

if your mum has always said she wanted to see you settled i can see how disappointing it is to have a relationship showing that promise and have her not interested.

sadly the maxim believe what they do not what they say applies to parents as well as prospective partners.

your mum doesn’t want to validate you. And I’m sorry, that sucks. You are right. Loving, engaged, emotionally mature parents would do.

im excited for you about your new boyfriend, though. Congratulations! Tell us about him if you’d like to?

ive reparented myself through a lot of things I’ve read on mumsnet. And some therapy, good podcasts and a lovely partner my mum was likewise disinterested in and dismissive of, even though she’d always said that was what she wanted for me.

so you’re not alone. Enjoy your honeymoon phase!

Thanks lol and sorry I don’t want to sound insensitive. I work in finance and am lucky. Have worked bloody hard this year and that’s how they pay us (smaller base and higher bonus depending on performance). I’m not I can do anything right… Clsssic lifelong search for parents’ approval 😂

The lovely comments are actually making me tear up!!!! Thank you so much. What a kind and thoughtful message @Catsstillrock

My mother is similar, OP, but I know exactly what causes it — she’s only interested in other people when they’re sad, unlucky, ill, poor, unfortunate, bereaved etc, because that’s the only time she feels needed and powerful. You can feel her tuning out if you’re visibly happy or excited, or if something nice is happening to you — that codes for her as rejection. She has appalling self-esteem.

OP says it was only a few days away. Why be so cautious? I think after 3 months you can tell if you get on with someone well enough to spend 48 hours in their company.

DS went on holiday with his new girlfriend about two weeks after they met. They had an amazing time and are going away together again soon. If you get on, you get on.

Same with mine! Or raving about people I don't know and how gorgeous/successful/settled they are.

Good observation about rejection.. I'm trying to accept her but by god it's hard

Op things are going well for you. Great job and bonus and a new man you are enjoying time with. Good for you. You deserve it.
it is natural to want ti share our joy with those close to us such as our parents. And when they are so overtly disinterested it stings.
Almost like they want to spoil the moment fur you.
I suspect she’s jealous or feels put out that your life is going so well. No idea why, but it really isn’t difficult to show interest in the lives of those we love.
Don’g let her dampen your parade. Enjoy the rewards of your hard work.

What’s wrong with those timescales? Dh and I met late twenties got together in the feb went on lovely holiday in the May and never looked back.

A narcissist then.

I just want to state upfront that every individual is allowed to set their own timeline for sexual activity. It is a personal decision and has no moral meaning.

your mother might not want to say anything because a weekend away this early means you are already having sex in the relationship. Not only that, it means you were having sex early enough to plan the trip.

that might be a timeline she herself is uncomfortable with in relationships. Perhaps she is demisexual herself and this sort of thing is outside her experience.

She also might have practical concerns for her child with regards to sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies. Even though she knows you are an adult and she has to trust that you are being responsible, as a mother, her first instinct will always be to worry. the earlier a person begins sexual activity within relationships, the more partners they are likely to have, and the more mothers will worry, even if they keep quiet as they should with their responsible adult children.

My Mum is like this, I'm NC now. I also can't imagine treating my DC like that, anything they achieve or makes them happy I'm so excited for them! It's so sad not all of us get that.

Not sure why people are so horrified by the holiday. At 3 months and the same age as op we were sorting giving up our respective rentals to live together!!

OP has she met him? Does she have form for being rude and dismissive?

She hasn’t met him, no. She has expressed an interest in doing so but not that much tbh. I think she supports me on her terms. She ploughed everything she had into bringing me up as a child - money, time, effort - but on her terms, giving me what she thought I should have rather than what I actually needed or wanted. By which I mean feeling listened to, supported, not just being a project to satisfy her desire for a child.

Where did you go anyway?

I think you need to accept that your mom is who she is, she can't change and you can't get what you want from her. Existing her to suddenly be the Mom you want just hurts you, so you need to get that validation elsewhere. So you have many close friends who can give you that?

Mine too. My parents put us in separate bedrooms when we came to visit them when we were dating. Even when I was living with him and already pregnant.

Gosh! I guess some parents have their own priciples / values,
old fashioned imho.
I think I'd have gone and stayed in a B&B!

I dunno, I feel like you’ve read an awful lot into a momentary facial twitch and leaped to lots of conclusions.

Why didn’t you ask your mum, hey something bothering you? When she winced. Instead of assuming it was definitely because she had zero interest and then going all well I’m not going to talk about it then.

She could have had a stab of sciatica, or a bit of a headache coming on or been worried this boyfriend is going to be like an ex you had.

That’s a fair point re my assumption. But I kinda read between the lines. I said oh ok I won’t then and she didn’t try to ask me. She hasn’t asked me anything about it since. She doesn’t care 😂 she is trying, she asked how the headphones I bought are holding up… Just no interest in my personal life or personal relationships tbh. It is what it is, no point stressing about it. It’s hurtful but I can’t mould her into the mum I want or need, she’s great in her own way so need to work with that.

This just struck me…what you said about the wince:
I took my cue and said I would stop talking about it and she didn’t ask again

If you see a momentary facial twitch as a cue, then why wouldn’t she interpret you saying you would stop talking about it as a cue from you to her to not pry into your personal life?

As much as we dislike it, we are often like our parents. It seems you are taking “cues” and assuming something about her and she is also taking “cues” and assuming something about you.

Neither of you is actually asking the other what they feel or think.

I guess your mother is not the one to share your happiness with. Very sad - I'd be delighted if my kids met someone they really liked. She's the one missing out on sharing a lovely connection with you - but it seems that's just the way she is.
My husband's mother was a bit like this. She'd never invite us over, we had to suggest it and it was always 'I'll let you know' (both retired and lived less than half an hour away). She'd also drop in to conversation that she had been up to our neighbourhood (but didn't think to call in). My husband once said he wouldn't mind if he never saw her again - I think he was fed up of trying to win her approval (he was extremely successful). It's a bitter pill.

I met someone at a conference in Spain, he had to fly home for his best mates wedding, but flew back a couple of days later, we had a great holiday, I had another conference & afterwards I flew back to the U.K., he picked me up at the airport & I went to live with him. It was a lovely time, lots of fun. 3 days after three months is hardly a big deal.

anyway, it doesn't sound like mother disapproves, just that she's not very interested. I guess there's no law against it.

You should have asked her why she winced. 3 days away at 3 months is too soon for me. It's not envy FGS, it's wanting to protect your daughter and be realistic and sensible.