Mum winced when I talked about first holiday with new boyfriend

[Carriebosse]

I’m in a new relationship (3ish months) and it’s going well. Now back home for Christmas and mentioned that I wanted to tell them about a holiday we had just been on - my mum visibly winced when I said this.

feeling a bit hurt, I’m 30, he’s a nice guy - I haven’t really seen my parents in person much since it all happened. I obviously want to tell them about him.

Ive changed the subject but feel a bit sad that they’re not interested. They do know about him but give me my moment maybe. It’s still the honeymoon period

3 day break three months in is normal and a good test of compatibility. You have nothing to worry about. Back in the 80s my mother didn't like pre-marital cohabitation but had the good sense to keep her mouth shut and got over it all in time

Could you imagine a post where the op's partner winced when the op has good news. And people reply defending the partner saying 'they mean well' etc. We HAVE to stop invalidating this.

We wince when things are painful. Op, your mum feels hurt by your happiness. You have every right to the realisation you are experiencing.

yo dont know this @Cleotolstoy
you cant get in anotehr persons head

I know what people are feeling when they wince. And op has given details of other incidents where the mother lacks the normal warmth or responses you would expect. If the op said her father had smiled warmly when he saw her would you be dismissive if we inferred he was happy to see her? I doubt it. Somehow were okay inferring positive feelings. We know from the reality of life that not all parents have the feelings we would hope.

I would wince if something is cringey, painful or not a good idea.
I might eyeroll if my daughter has gone on a 3 day holiday with a new date because it's too soon. If my daughter has a lot of dating dramas and heartbreak I would be feeling worried and cautious or maybe dreading hearing bad things. Bizarre people think the mother is jealous. I thought Freud has been dismantled.

Thanks @GailordFocker i explicitly said that wasn’t the case though… Re the dating dramas and heartbreak.

Yep. I do not understand how the OP or people on the internet think they can divine what another human being thought based on “winced”?!
Why not ask? Why assume it’s some sort of “cue”? It’s a recipe for miscommunication and misunderstandings that lead to burbling resentment.

How do you know whether the wince is emotional or physical pain? How do you know whether when it happened was involuntary or voluntary? How do you know that when it happened was coincidence or not?

If I winced when my daughter was telling me something that she was happy about I am self and other aware enough to have quickly explained. Op has detailed other incidents of her parent not having the responses you would expect a good enough parent to. Your holiday was fine op. My parent did similar when I told them I was expecting 20 years ago. Absolutely no reason to have done, I was in a settled long term relationship. I asked why the response and they got defensive and I was told I was too sensitive. Turns out I'm not, I just know when people aren't happy for me.

That’s you though. You’re self aware. OP has detailed other “cues” which could have been completely misread as the incidents read like two people not saying much and going by body language which is known to be horribly inaccurate and mostly woo.

"Two people not saying much and going by body language which is known to be horribly inaccurate and mostly woo."

And then not ask about the holiday at all? You're stretching it too far. It's not that she winced but was then interested. Relationships are very much about enjoying a shared interest in eachother. What you have here is active disinterest whatever school of psychology you do or don't ascribe to.

Oh do shut up!

Oh god, there's so many weird people on MN. Why on earth would that be your first thought and if they're 30 years old is that really a problem? 🙄

@Ponderingwindow

"the earlier a person begins sexual activity within relationships, the more partners they are likely to have, and the more mothers will worry, even if they keep quiet as they should with their responsible adult children"

Well that is absolute horse shit. You sound completely unhinged.

So MN preaches about how we have "low expectations of our husbands". Well sorry, but we shouldn't have low expectations from our parents either if they are unsupportive, toxic and unloving.

I'm sorry your Mum came across as uninterested OP. I wish you well with your new relationship x

You’re forgetting that it went like this
OP: “Oooh can I tell you about my holiday?”
DM: <wince>
OP: “I won’t talk about it then”

So OP assumed the wince meant disinterest, don’t want to know. So took the “cue” and said she wasn’t going to tell her DM about it. The DM might have simply winced for any of the other million reasons one winces. OP didn’t bother to ask. DM has only seen her DD suddenly change her mind about telling her about her holiday. If the DM then starts asking after her DD has said she won’t talk about it, isn’t that prying? Isn’t the DDs comment a “cue” to the DM that she’s not ready to talk about it and so changed her mind? And so DM should wait for DD to bring it back up again when she is ready to talk about it? Meanwhile DD/OP is complaining on her that her DM “hasn’t asked about it since” …so the DD is also waiting for DM to bring it up.

Result…conversations about how are the headphones holding up? My neighbour so and so…small talk. But no real communication on a personal level.

Why is it too soon? Since when is three says in Europe akin to talking baby names and looking for a mortgage and wedding planner

"The DM might have simply winced for any of the other million reasons one winces."

Yeah and here in normal world if we wince at an inopportune moment and the person whose trying to tell us something gets the wrong idea and says so we put them right quickly if we give a stuff.

Same. Married even longer.

If you know you’re wincing….many people do without realising it.

So when someone says 'I won't talk about it then' you'd be 'no, please do' if it was a misunderstanding but of course this is in the real world I'm talking about. Not the alternative universe of certain mumsnetters where things are really weird.

3 months is perfectly acceptable for any sort of holiday.. hope you had a great time.

Maybe she had trapped wind?

@Regularsizedrudy maybe hun x