Mum winced when I talked about first holiday with new boyfriend

[Carriebosse]

I’m in a new relationship (3ish months) and it’s going well. Now back home for Christmas and mentioned that I wanted to tell them about a holiday we had just been on - my mum visibly winced when I said this.

feeling a bit hurt, I’m 30, he’s a nice guy - I haven’t really seen my parents in person much since it all happened. I obviously want to tell them about him.

Ive changed the subject but feel a bit sad that they’re not interested. They do know about him but give me my moment maybe. It’s still the honeymoon period

Sounds like she maybe lived vicariously through you. I would hazard a guess she’s talking about you in the same way that she talks about these random people or to family / friends. Not big on praise but perhaps big on bigging you up for her own glory. If so, this is narcissistic behaviour.

Unless your mum is some religious nut who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage or something, I find it very strange that she would wince when you tried to talk about your holiday. Unless she’s heard some rumours about your fella perhaps?

If I’m correct in my assumption @PinkSyCo, the wincing could be explained by op’s mum’s approval ratings. Getting married, now that’s something to go up in the approval stakes. Going on holiday 3 months in to a new relationship isn’t news worthy to her friends, family and randoms.

I have a has very similar experience a to you OP. Huge interest in the person on the street and their troubles. Very little positive comments about my achievements and often very nasty put downs I'm older than you and have made some peace with this. It's not YOU. It's her insecurity and jealousy that drives this behaviour. I'm determined not to treat my own daughters like this. Congratulations on your career success and I hope this new relationship goes well.

My DGM used to do this to my DM but with her sister. She’d rave about one to the other but never to themselves. I bet your DM tells all those strangers about her high flying daughter in finance. Perhaps she has difficultly praising and expressing her emotions. What was her mum like?

Fucking hell. This site is absolutely mental sometimes.

OP, it's perfectly normal and right to go on a minibreak with someone you've been dating a few months. I'm sorry your mum brings a downer on things for you. Congratulations on your success and new relationship.

perhaps she is worried it is too soon
that you put yourself in a position where you could be taken advantage of, financially for instance.

hold your tongue in future.
sadly.
but perhaps she is concerned
do you normally talk about dating to her?

Of course it’s a completely reasonable and lovely thing to do!!

Ffs some people on MN think you need to be together 1 year before you so much buy them a book token or stay overnight 😂

I went on a European mini break with my bf when we’d been dating probably 12 weeks. Much more complex situation as I was married to someone else (but genuinely separated 😂) and have 4 kids. But still together v happily 18 months later.

I think you are right to be v sad your mum couldn’t show interest. I’d be delighted if one of my older children wanted to tell me about that exciting magical time at the start of a romance 😄

I know you say it was just disinterest but a “wince” is a very particular reaction that suggests to me something else is going on for her.

Next time she starts banging on about Doris the hairdressers sister’s cat’s operation - wince and walk away.

alternatively - slightly more maturely - maybe say “mum I was excited to talk to you about my first trip away with X - why didn’t you want to talk about it with me?”

The holiday story is a red herring - the lack of interest over the bonus tells me a lot more.
Your mother is envious of your achievements.
That’s what some mothers are like, especially towards their daughters.

Second this. My mother is exactly the same. When I told her I was starting my own business she completely blanked me and started talking about her bloody neighbours. It's envy, she's pissed I didn't follow her path in life of domestic drudgery and aimed higher. Narcissism really.

Amazed at the posters saying 3 days away 3 months in is too soon. Sounds such a weirdly joyless note. What do you actually mean by it?

So weird, you're jn your 30s not sure why that's too soon for a short 3 day break?! Me and OH went away like that about 4 months in lol nobody thought that was odd at all.
Maybe she was hoping to set you up with someone else?

have you had many long term relationships op?

@UPHO

shes a grown woman FGS.

What's the difference between 3 days away & them staying over at each others?

Realistic & Sensible 🙄🙄🙄🙄. How long do you think she needs to know him before she stays over??

How long should one be dating before they go on holiday? Is it proportion to the length of trip or the location? At 3 months in at 30 we were in the process of moving in together!

posters might not wince about this but it is the op's mother that winced.
for which she has her reasons, which we are trying to understand.
as usual , asking her might have been better.

Just smiling at people who think three months is too early for a mini break. I remember at university back in the eighties going away for a shagging weekend with someone I'd known a few weeks.

but did you tell your mother @Hobbesmanc

Err... No
The mother is just a selfish, envious person who is exerting power trips by showing no interest in her daughter's life because she knows it hurts her.
That's it really

Is she unhappy herself?? Could she find it difficult to be happy for you because she’s not happy with her own life?

Crikey. I went on holiday with a boyfriend before we were really properly going out together. Celebrating our 22nd wedding anniversary next year. We went halves.

OP, this sounds exactly like my mother.

I've been married for years now, she's still like this with my husband. No idea why.

Everything everyone else does it wonderful.

Anything I do is shit.

🤷‍♀️

Sounds just like my mum

It wouldn't hurt her to have said "well done" a handful of times when I'd achieved something

And my mum has always been funny about me having boyfriends

She's still like this and I'm married almost a decade/together with DH for almost 15 years

I could be married Prince William and she'd still be nitpicking and swiping about things

Just try to enjoy things, don't let her reaction take the sheen off things

I've definitely learned to do this over the years

This thread just typifies the crazy unreality of having parents like the op. Society is SO uncomfortable with the truth that many parents don't just have a lack of love of for their children, they also have a lot of negative feelings. Op I get it, I really get it, you deserve loving, interested parents. I've been through one hell of a learning journey coming to terms with the truth of my parents. I've now developed internal parents who are always supporting and guiding me. Have you thought about therapy? I can't underestimate the benefit if exploring this in a safe space.

She sounds like the sort of person that finds it really difficult to find enthusiasm for other people’s good news as it does to some extent require the ability to ‘put it on’ and she felt that expectation when you said it.
I think it is sad she is like that with you but once you realise what she’s like you can manage your interactions with her so you are not left feeling disappointed. don’t let her personality burst your bubble!