Mum winced when I talked about first holiday with new boyfriend

[Carriebosse]

I’m in a new relationship (3ish months) and it’s going well. Now back home for Christmas and mentioned that I wanted to tell them about a holiday we had just been on - my mum visibly winced when I said this.

feeling a bit hurt, I’m 30, he’s a nice guy - I haven’t really seen my parents in person much since it all happened. I obviously want to tell them about him.

Ive changed the subject but feel a bit sad that they’re not interested. They do know about him but give me my moment maybe. It’s still the honeymoon period

Your “real world” isn’t universal, you do realise that don’t you?

@VisaGeezer Exactly what came into my mind!
@Carriebosse I haven't read the full thread but it sounds a lot like jealousy and control to me. Happy people (children in this case!) can't be controlled..
I'm sorry. You deserve better from your own mother.

Is your mother hard to please and emotional unavailable? My MIL is similar to your mother. Nothing her son does can ever satisfy her. She doesn't acknowledge his achievements, except when I am around and she feels the need to compete against me.

I have no advice to give you other than to distance yourself from your mother and enjoy your new relationship.

No it's not! They're in their 30's and know what they're doing. It's only a short city break!

Thanks all for the kind comments! A quick update, she must have known she has upset me because when I wasn’t making an effort with conversation she would try and bring it round to my boyfriend (who she hasn’t yet met btw): “What does he to do relax then?” Eg when we were speaking about hobbies.

its frustrating that she only asks when she knows it is the right thing to do, when she has upset me. She won’t ask about him and will be disinterested until she knows she has completely alienated me and then tries to curry favour.

she also “joked” that all I talked about was him (“George George George! That’s all you speak about”), to which I just said, let me have my moment, we might break up… I’m enjoying it, Mum… I think she’s bitter tbh, she can see Im happy and even though she wants me to be all these relationship “firsts” are making her bitter and sad she is not living through them. She is the main character and can’t stomach everything being great for me.

it has really shone a light on other issues in our relationship. She is so emotionally unavailable and will never be the mum I want or needed growing up. We saw a family friend today who loved my mum growing up (and is twenty years older than me so saw a different side to her) - it’s funny but sad that mum could be a pseudo mum to her but not to her own children really. She speaks to my father like a piece of rubbish and is a really difficult individual. Nice as pie to others of course.

I love her but I really don’t like her very much at all.

We had a bad argument because I tried to put some things in the oven and she rearranged them, took over etc etc. not a big deal but to me it epitomised what she has been doing all my life. She’s the parent, I’m stupid, nothing I do is ever good enough and I lost it with her and snapped, said some not very nice things about how I wish she would back off and stop trying to live my life.

she has never said sorry to me once (for anything - I have said it to her) and treated me like an adult growing up. Tried to get advice from me about her relationship with my father etc. just didn’t respect that I was s child who needed a parent. She was also abusive and very erratic growing up - would lash out physically and emotionally at the smallest thing and has absolutely no self-awareness.

i really can’t stand to be with her. We have been on holidays as a two in my adulthood which have been good but being as a family and seeing the way she talks to me father and absolutely despises him (for no discernible reason) makes me feel sick and really dislike her.

The answer is to wince every time she bores you with random people she knows. She either is concerned you were jumping in too early (an over reaction but at least concerned), thinks it’s morally wrong to sleep with men after 3 months (ridiculous), or just found it boring (rude/mean). If it is number one, and only you will know, then I’d let it slide. If it’s two or three, I’d be distancing myself, sad as that may be.

She also winced when I opened his Xmas present (a necklace). I’m not sure it was good enough for her

Thanks @schoolsoutforever - fair point

@Carriebosse my mum appears disinterested in most things I say. She just says 'mmmm hmmm' and changes the subject. I've come to realise it's because despite being in my 40s with my own children, she still treats me like I'm 14 and therefore anything I say carries no weight and not much interest.

Don't let her ruin it OP. Accept she isn't the one to go to, and lean on your friends more for support. It's sad but it's going to be less hurtful longterm. Is your Dad interested? Has he met him? Is he more available emotionally?