I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

[WhatTheFdoIdo]

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

I would honestly say that you should not make any decisions at the moment. Your hormones are not as settled as you might think after only ten months.

no way do I think it’s his fault you need them I think it’s related to your baby and probably PND. I’ve seen many posts on here of women saying help I can’t stand my dp both during pregnancy and after pregnancy. It does pass.

however I’ve not seen a situation where there has been the same level of sexual dysfunction and on this I do feel sorry for him. It must be shattering for his confidence.

as you have been with him for four years and you claim to have been a competent individual prior to now I think surely you would have dumped him way before your pregnancy.

don’t assume that the lust you felt with your previous partner is discoverable elsewhere. That’s just not always the case.

instead of ending this I would ask for a break - see how you feel when he isn’t around etc

Oh and your reaction when you came of your pills for ten days is not unusual- that would be withdrawal’s they can be very nasty!!!

but it’s not talked about much though there is plenty of info online about it if you google

Oh give the guilt trip a rest, what a ridiculous pointless comment.

I spent 6 months with a guy who had ED and PE. I was depressed too. Who in their right mind could possibly think it is okay for OP to stay with a guy like this. It’s ridiculous!

I do think the comments about his impotence are pretty vile. Typical MN double standards. If a man was talking about a woman who couldn't have sex and was a 'shit shag' he'd get his arse handed to him. I agree he should do something to improve things if he wants a healthy relationship but the way it's spoken about here is grim.

I was in a relationship like this once. The guy was incredibly full, rude, questionable hygiene, also issues with sex. However I'd been in an abusive relationship beforehand and he was steady and gave me the settled life i needed for a while. It didn't work obviously and I look back now and wonder wtf I was thinking. Makes my skin crawl that I was intimate with him

Trauma does funny things to your judgement.

Do you really think you can do this until your child is grown up?
Leave now so your baby grows up and doesn’t miss living with his father. His living situation with two good co-parents will be normal for him then.

Nah, if a woman said she never wanted sex and refused to do anything about it- GP, meds, therapy or even communicate with her partner about it she'd be called selfish too. I dont think anyone would say its fine, carry on as you are without even discussing it with him.

I haven’t seen any vile comments about him. But perhaps you can clear something up for me. Is MumsNet a place where women come to for support, or is it a place where we have to worry about the feelings of the anonymous partner who will in all likelihood never know about it?

If you despise him so much you should consider leaving if you have the means to. That frustration must be on display all the time, and it will affect your child. If he's a doting hands on dad, sounds like you will still get the support you need? However, I suspect this may be depression making things worse?

I'm in a similar situation, although no kids. Moved in with DP of one year during Covid. DP is one of the kindest, caring people I've ever met. We do get on really well to be fair. I don't despise him but I'm frustrated with him for the VERY mundane, suburban life we have together. I wouldn't choose this life. He earns good money but is tight, and never wants to spend a penny. So I often go to gigs, trips and for restaurant meals alone while he sits at home watching sport on TV, or the same sitcoms over and over. (Most of my friends now have babies so are rarely free to hang out). We never have sex, he is kind of embarrased by it? But the rental market is insane and I can't afford my own place. I've lived abroad and did so many interesting things in my 20s, I don't know how I've ended up here. But I can't leave as I have nowhere to go and can't afford to rent elsewhere in this insane rental market.

I've had depression since my teens, and can't work out if that's part of the problem. Some days I feel trapped and hate my life and daydream of packing all my things and leaving. But that's how I've always felt from time to time. I wish he'd meet someone else so i dont have to break his heart by leaving him. Then some days I'm grateful and content I'm with a really kind, caring man who I can laugh with and who causes me no drama or stress whatsoever. I don't know what the answer is here, but you're not alone.

Also having a break from your meds is not good and can make you feel much worse. Please see someone about it.

If there's any way to keep it amicable, split and coparent in the same house for a while? You dont have to launch into dating until you feel more sorted generally, your baby is very small and honestly it can take a while for emotions to stop rollercoastering. When you do date, you dont have to involve your child in it at all. I wouldnt introduce a new person for at least a year.The feeling of freedom splitting up will give you will help and stop you resenting him or feeling pressured to try sleeping with him.

@DontStopMeNow7

'This man would die a virgin'
'Who in their right mind would stay with a man like this?'

Just the two I can be arsed to look for. Replace the word man with woman and I don't think it's very palatable. It's basically saying he's less of a person because he has issues with performance. I'm not saying the op is wrong to feel how she does. I'm saying it's cruel to reduce someone completely to their sexual ability. There is probably a lot more to him as a person. By OP's admission he is lovely so why are we acting like he's some sort of worthless being because he has issues with sex?

I've said she shouldn't stay with him. I've sympathised. Been there myself. But it's a shame we have to talk about anyone - men or women - in this way.

And yes MN is a place for support but you can offer that without doing down men. It happens all the time here.

I coparent but dont live with a partner who I felt much the same towards. Im torn, on one hand none of the men I really fancied would have made such a good dad or partner, on the other hand, Im aware my romantic life is on pause until the children are older. I feel it's a sacrifice Ive made to have children as my dating life was never going to lead in that direction and the kind of intense love you describe I dont think lasts.
I think the choice of a Mr Nice if not Mr Right is more common than you'd think.

And yes MN is a place for support but you can offer that without doing down men. It happens all the time here

So, you've never ever seen a cruel or derogatory comment aimed at a woman on here? because I have. Multiple times.

And yet your comment to my post is so valid and useful, almost like you could have just thought it instead of type it and left my valid opinion on the original post alone.

I have a son, he could grow up to have this self centred, whiney OP as a partner and I shudder at the thought.

I commented to highlight for the OP that other people know your comment was bollocks. As a few others did too.

Hi OP, it sounds like at least one part of your current distress is unprocessed grief, from major bereavement to the relationship that ended abruptly whilst you were still at the ‘cloud 9’ stage. And you have just gone through the enormous upheaval of pregnancy and childbirth. One thing I would not do is rush to a decision. If it is possible for you to get time to yourself, I would strongly recommend that you find yourself a good therapist and explore all of this with them. I’m curious about your partner in all this; I’m not getting much sense of you being sure what he thinks and feels other than he is a good person and supportive. From your description, it’s possible he has some kind of sexual trauma in his history, or has grown up with perhaps very strict ideas about what is and is not allowed. You talk about having to ‘coach’ him but I wonder what is going on with him? What his perspective might be? I’m not saying this to be critical of you, just noticing he seems to lack some agency in the relationship. And I wonder how well the two of you actually know one another? You seem stuck at the very early stages of a relationship when sex can be awkward and even a bit disastrous at times, and neither of you seems able to really talk about it together. Alongside your own therapy, might some relationship therapy help? It can’t make things work if they just don’t, but it can open up communication. And it is communication that seems to be failing here - sex is communication after all - but there seems little sense of the two of you really knowing who the other person is.

Agree with this. Been where you are. Got married and had kids with someone who was nice enough but I knew deep down it was wrong.

I haven't read all replies but at the least you need to have a talk with him and have a break from the relationship. Be on your own and see how you feel.
Anti depressants do have a numbing affect and w ere fab for me but once I came off I did get that clarity and direction in my life back I'm not suggesting you stop them but at all but given some space to think clearly you may find you depression about this situation eases.
Don't feel guilty you aryoung and have had a baby with a good man you made a child with a good person for a father. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean you or him have failed.
I parent 4 children with my ex, I date a bit but as other have suggested romance isn't high on the list right now. It's time for you to create the life for you and your vchild. You can do that. You have time. You can part as friends but it will be hard.

Yeah I've seen loads. That's sad too. See previous post.

Anti depressants will keep you at a level you can make decisions but hopefully lift your mood.

Do not stop them and keep up your scripts unless you talk to your doctor to slowly work yourself off them.
Are you able to go and vent to a therapist who is a able to guide you and see where you are at.
Your partner cares for you and your baby that is great.
Can you talk with him about the sex and what you like?
This can be don't gently, you should be able to talk openly together.
Choose to take steps for yourself to improve your state of mind,, daily walks to therapy, to is he worth it?
Please do not shaggy around,, soulless sex & God knows what random men will do to you psychologically will not lift you long term but it is your life,
You have choices, he needs taught?
Talk!

Does he support you mentally?

I think some people are coming down on you like a ton of bricks, OP, because they are interpreting "lovely loving" with their own projections of the ideal kind partner who helps with the child - something many will envy.

However I think you are temperamentally unsuited to him, otherwise you'd be more ready to find a way round the anti-sex (let's face it, it's the opposite of sex that you've endured!).

I wish I could give you a hug because it's so clear that the choices you made were driven by deep grief (over your lost relationship, your lost father) and then the lid got slammed on by COVID. Like many people you were trapped in a pressure cooker with the wrong ingredients and made of it what you could.

When you first got together, safety was crucial to you for all kinds of reasons. Then, the prospect of creating new life - something you'd longed for - probably held even more appeal after caring for your dying dad.

I married my first husband after a series of traumatic events. We were drawn to each other by being on the same wavelength in ways I couldn't quite put my finger on. It took me 15 years to realise it was because he had a depressed personality and that's what I had too when I first met him. But it wasn't my true nature, it was just a natural reponse to life events.

Please be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. Tell him you are sorry but you made a mistake. He has a child! That's an enormous gift to come out of this relationship! But you don't have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of duty for the rest of your life.

I hope you can set aside some of the bullying comments on this thread, which probably play on your anxieties and presumably were posted by people who have never done anything they regret. Yet!

OP, the first thing I’d do is get him to see his GP about the sex problems. He really shouldn’t be unable to keep an erection at his age. It could be a physical or psychological problem, but either way it needs to be treated.

Also, do try some kind of sex therapy, to help the two of you work on improving your sex life together. You are his first sex partner, so he has only learnt from you, and from the rubbish men read or see if he has used porn in the past.

You don’t mention having tried this, and I sympathise if it’s such a mess you feel embarrassed to talk about it. But you need to start somewhere. Maybe showing him how you like oral? Or getting him to use his hands, slowly and as you like it, and not worrying if he ejaculates, just let him enjoy that and then return to pleasuring you. Or show him how to use your sex toys. No hurry, do it when you have plenty of time.

It really sounds as if it’s worth trying to solve this common and treatable problem rather than giving up without a try.

Best of luck to both of you.

Yes, it is bollocks.

I've never had depression but I've had short bouts of deep sadness and feelings of hopelessness.

I do think that depression, like a lot of illnesses, are environment and self-treatment first. So change the way you treat your body and mind, change your environment etc

If that doesn't work, then quite possibly there is some imbalance occurring. But when a houseplant isn't prospering we move it from one spot in the house to another first, we make sure it's fed and watered as it should be - if that doesn't work we look if the damage to the plant is more internal and how we fix it.

As for this relationship - if the spark isn't there it isn't there. However go into breaking up with a child involved with eyes wide open. Even the best and most amicable break ups can be traumatic in their own way and when new partners get involved - hold tight.

OP you deserve to find your happiness. Just proceed with caution.

I'm not a leave him type poster.

But for all of your sakes, I think you need to move on. Your baby won't know the difference, this is the best time to do it. You're only 30. And you only have 1 child so meeting people will be easier. AND you have someone who will likely be a great coparent - win!

My advice is to do it very gently, after the new year. Don't hurt your partner more than you have to. I think have a conversation and maybe give your relationship 6 months with some counselling? Maybe that will help him feel you fought for it.

Don't admit it was all a mistake, that would be gutting.

Just a "I think I need something different, I'm depressed and for the sake of baby I need to be happy again".

Please don't blame yourself. What you've done is SO common. You're just human. It's just good that you've realised so young so you can still create the family you want.

All the best.