I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

[WhatTheFdoIdo]

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

Men who are dreadful in bed have existed since the dawn of time and usually one of us poor schmucks would've ended up married to them.
yes, they'll be able to make enough effort to get you to commit to them and but not be able to sustain it because for them sex was only a means to an end (ie to win you over and get you locked down) but not an end in itself.
Or as Alan Partridge would say....'they are not sex people'

OP lockdown really did a number on a lot of people who have found themselves doing things way out of character and are reaping the consequences. It's not just you.

Your situation isn't as bad as it sounds you now have a lovely child, and a doting father. You made a mistake but some good things have come of it. Now it's time to take the decision to regain control and move forwards and you know what you have to do.

I'd be surprised if the poor fecker could keep it up when his partner clearly doesn't fancy him.

@Canthave2manycats that wouldn't account for the jizzing in his pants. Bloke has sexual issues he no doubt had before OP, that's why he (allegedly) was still a virgin at 31 despite having had a girlfriend.

I haven't RTFT it seems to me you are grieving. You don't say when you dad passed away but nursing a parent through terminal cancer is horrendous. There is no actual timeline to grief and for a lot of us it has been affected/ delayed by lockdown. I also think you should look into the link between grief and sex. I know that doesn't address all of your problems but I do think you should consider grief councelling.
I would say there are quite a few factors which could be affecting you mood and decision making ability at the moment.

Good god, stop feeling guilty! You're doing your DP, yourself and your child a terrible injustice by staying in this.
I say this A LOT on here, but what do you want to teach your child about relationships when they're older? They will learn what is normal from you and your DP. Is this what you want your DC to think is normal? HELL NO!

I split with exh 3 years ago, we co parent brilliantly, and my new DP is fucking brilliant in bed. Exh hadn't touched me in 2 years when I left!

Things can and will work out. Your child will have 2 parents that love them, that's all that matters. Keep it amicable and your kid will be happy.
My DD is nearly 5 and is the happiest girl you'll meet, and we split when she was 1.

This is above mumsnets paygrade and needs working out with a professional. Only your can untangle how much of your dissatisfaction with your dp is due to the relationship and how much is due to what's going on in your own head. I'd look up a licensed therapist to talk it out and process your decision.

Does he watch too much porn ?

Every word of your post resonated. I truly feel for you OP - what a hideous predicament. I couldn't pass by without sharing my experience. Apologies if this is long...

In my late 20s, I fell into a rebound relationship after being with someone I felt
intense chemistry with but who wasn't ready to put anyone else's needs equal to or above his. Then someone I'd been friends with in university re-entered my life. He was the polar opposite of my ex, which I tried to convince myself was a good thing. The truth is, neither man was right for me. Like your DP, mine left me frustrated sexually. His sex drive was depressingly low and although I eventually taught him the mechanics of how to satisfy me, I found it impossible to teach a certain je ne sais quoi - lust.

Like you, I was fantasising like crazy about other men but held back acting on this because I didn't want to jeopardise the stability I had, despite everything about DP irritating the shit out of me. I remember a close friend getting engaged and feeling bittersweet because she was so obviously in love with her partner which brought home how I obviously wasn't.

4 years passed...I kept my life as full as possible to stop me from thinking about the missing piece, but by the end of it, I was on anti-depressants and drinking heavily. I gained a stone every year I was with DP and turned into a bloated shadow of my former self.

Then I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t planned and quite frankly it was a miracle given how infrequently we had sex. However, I’d always wanted to be a mum and at 32, I thought I was running out of time and I wouldn’t find anyone else.

Things came to a head at DP's brother's wedding, watching SIL walk down the aisle, her eyes brimming with love and hope for BIL and their future. I had absolute clarity: even if I stayed with DP, raised a child together, and got married, my eyes would never shine that way. Rather than marrying my love, I'd be marrying my annoying brother.

I broke up with DP the very next day. Like you, I owned my home before I met him and he’d moved in with me (upon reflection he paid far less than his fair share and took many liberties). He, therefore, ended up moving 100 miles away to live with family, taking our shared pets with him. I then found out I was being made redundant. Three days after that, I miscarried my baby.

I had lost everything. I grieved the baby but felt no grief toward my relationship. Instead, I felt immense clarity and relief, and although uncertainty for the future plagued me, I felt lighter, free, and most importantly, like myself for the first time in years.

This is where my heart aches for you, OP. You have a baby with your DP and you will need to try and be a team whether you stay together or not. That was my predicament when I cut ties with my ex – he would always be in life in some form because of our unborn child. Things panned out differently and although the miscarriage still hurts I’m deeply relieved that my ex is out of my life – upon reflection, so much was wrong besides the sexual incompatibility but I was blind to it because I didn’t want to face up to how much I’d fucked up my life.

I met someone else very quickly. Not a rebound this time – I didn’t have anything to bounce from, given that my previous relationship had died long ago. Perhaps my newfound clarity helped me choose more wisely, or perhaps I’m unusually fortunate, but this time everything was different. With this man, everything felt natural – it was as though I’d known him all my life, although definitely not as a brother. It took being in a relationship that was right on every level to make me realise how wrong my previous relationships were. Finally, I was with someone who ticked every single box and who felt the same about me.

I’m 44 now and we’ve been together for 12 years, married for 8, with a 5-year-old DD who brings us so much joy. I wouldn’t change a single thing about DH or our life together.

I know your situation differs from mine because you have a child with your DP, but at the point I walked away I thought that’s what I was facing too. I felt scared and overwhelmed. I also knew I couldn’t keep being a passenger in my one precious life.

First and foremost, you need to be honest with your DP about how you’re feeling, for both your sakes. Do you think he has any inklings? If you’ve stopped being intimate I fail to see how he could possibly think that things are hunky dory. Do you have a relationship where you can talk fully and frankly about things without it escalating into an argument?

If this conversation confirms (as I think it will) that you’re not on the same page, then surely you need to take steps to separate, especially while your baby is too young to know any different? The future is unknown and the unknown can be scary. However, the future is also what you make it. After the initial pit of desperation, the prospect of an unknown future felt exciting to me, knowing I was free to shape it on my own terms.

It probably seems like a lifetime away right now, but please believe in your future and yourself, OP. Find the strength to face those hurdles. Who knows what’s on the other side, but a chance at happiness surely has to be better than guaranteed turmoil, right?

Haven't read all the responses, but I agree with PP's that you're still grieving for your Dad and have also made the major life change of becoming a parent - so don't make any hasty decisions or blame yourself for being in this situation.

I'm honestly wondering whether your DP is attracted to women at all? He may genuinely think he's straight, but his body is indicating otherwise (and he's never had a relationship before). You say you're more like friends and neither of you is bothering with sex now - perhaps it's best to accept that your romantic relationship is over and discuss what you both want for the future. As a PP says, he must realize that things aren't hunky dory

I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought

Then stop letting it happen and take control, take action. You're not responsible for his life, just yours and your baby.

I ended a relationship with someone very like this. We didn’t live together or have kids so it was less complicated than your situation, but I did feel guilty about ending it when there was nothing ‘wrong’ with him and he didn’t want it to finish. But I think, ultimately, it’s fairer to set someone free from a relationship where they’re not loved or physically desired. Not saying you should rush into finishing things, life sounds stressful enough, but I suspect you won’t regret it when you do make the break.

Poor bloke, I feel sorry for him. I think you’re being selfish if you don’t separate. No one should have to be in this relationship that you are faking. I feel sad that you’ll take his baby away from him though. He doesn’t deserve to have to be away from his child for 50% of the time.

Don’t be so ridiculous. So you feel sorry for him that he hasn’t been broken up with yet, but at the same time you also think he should be with his child all the time?

Reading through this thread, I do find myself wondering what the popular opinion would be if it was a guy who was contemplating leaving the mother of his child because she isn't good enough at sex....

It’s not about being good enough at sex. He can’t even have sex. If a woman wasn’t capable of having intercourse I doubt very much people would tell the guy to stay. I get so fed up with these ridiculous statements claiming sexism. What BS.

So hypothetically OP, let's say the sex is off the chart, he's hung like a donkey and knows ALLLL the right moves, can work his way through the Kama sutra etc etc

Is it enough ?

Although he's an adult, sexually he's that of a 16 year boy.

Sounds like you've tried and tried and tried some more. Only you know if the no sex is a deal breaker.

It’s not ridiculous at all

people feel conflicting and even completely opposite emotions at the same time.

it is incredibly sad that a parent who loves their child will be unable to live with them full time, against their wishes

i would be devastated

Is it all about sex? Do you find his personality nice? Do you go out together and have fun? Shared interests? Or are incompatible in other ways too?
You are clearly deeply unfulfilled and unhappy at the moment. It's no way to live. I believe all of us have to make some compromises, no relationship is ever totally perfect. You could meet someone who was great in bed but untrustworthy or abusive in other ways. Then again there are people who could be overall better suited to you. Are you willing to take the risk?
Either way it's not healthy for you or your baby to grow up in unhappy surroundings. It's also not fair on your dh to be with someone who feels such disdain towards him. You will feel better with some thinking space. Could you stay with family or go on holiday and see if you miss him? Might give you an insight into how life would be if you did split.

Sympathy OP. I've once been in a relationship that wasn't for me.

It was Xmas period when we met and we spent every day going out, hanging out, partying etc. then in Feb I saw a photo of us and he is sooo not my type, I remember thinking: how on earth I've ended up in a relationship here....?!

But as you say it just happened. Eventually he didn't treat me nice and I broke it off (after a year together!) but my god I still look back and it's crazy how I became partners with someone I didn't love or even particularly like!

Regarding sex, if it's crap - well you are his only teacher. Is he really useless, have you tried really hard and patiently to teach him what's nice?

Do you find him physically attractive?

I'm confused as to why you'd move in and have a baby with a man who you knew to be very unsuitable

I get that covid happened and your Dad died. I'm still confused

However I think you're still grieving for your ex and your Dad

I'd get therapy to try to ease your grief x 2 and make a decision about your relationship when you are more stable

Some of the comments on here make it sound like the sex is just “bad”. The guy is completely impotent. He isn’t concerned for her or their relationship, he isn’t seeing a specialist, he isn’t in therapy.

And we’re supposed to feel devastated for him that he might not be able to live in her house any more? They can share parenting duties under different roofs. People do it all the time. OP is unhappy, it doesn’t actually matter why. Everyone has the right to end a relationship. Enough with all the judgments and guilt trips.

Is it possible he feels similar to you? Perhaps he knows the spark isn't there but feels a bit trapped? It could be that you would both benefit from a frank conversation? Or some couples therapy to help you both to move on.

I agree. its very obvious this isnt just about sex. He's not even trying to get advice or help himself- he's just expecting her to put up with it with no discussion or compromise on his part. How is that ok? Sex is often an indicator of a lack of intimacy in general and why should OP stay in a relationship with a man who makes zero effort and she doesnt really love?

You can work on the sex more, and if you don't agree you haven't tried hard enough. Go to sex therapy of the option is losing your child

Do you own your house? If so, the longer he is there the bigger a claim he has on it.