I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

[WhatTheFdoIdo]

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

This situation happens toon often in this day and age.

Women spending their prime youth with the good looking hot men maybe even some "bad Bois".. The man ditches them because he has to many options on dating apps.

As the woman hits 30ush she settles with the beta loser she friend zoned because he's a safe bet or some weirdo on online dating.

I think that probably applies across the sexes and is fairly ingrained in biology as a whole, ie fun first then found someone you think will be a good parent/provider/life companion/person to share a home with etc.

It's only when you've been in the second role for a while with the 'wrong' fit that the grass starts to look sparkling emerald.

For some people. For me, hormones play a BIG role in my mood.

Oh great, you're going to start telling us about Chads and other incel bullshittery next?

I suspect with men like this they have missed out on the adolescent stage of sexual experimentation, because they missed out on that window of opportunity to gain some sexual confidence they never catch up, in particular men who don't get kissing seem to be like this.
Also I seen men where the father has abandoned the family or died and the mother has told him 'you're the man of the house now' and used him as a kind of quasi husband, that feels weird and confusing and the blurring of boundaries makes him feel uncomfortable with women

I agree ......that was very much red pill type phraseology /ideology!

I had a boyfriend when I was 16 who was like that (I realise this is a different situation). He couldn't maintain an erection, would prematurely ejaculate and it was honestly so unsexy and at times felt insulting. Trying to manoeuvre a semi-hard on into your vagina is so demoralising.

It turned out he was gay and he went on to have new relationships with men. No idea if he needed Viagra for those, I guess chances are he just struggled to have sex with a girl!

Anyway, I totally sympathise OP, and you mustn't live your life the way you are. Your daughter deserves a happy mum, even if that means you're separate.

I'd leave now while your DC is still a baby. It's much harder to leave when they get older.

He may genuinely think he's straight, but his body is indicating otherwise

@HamBone Not really if he is sometimes coming in his pants just from getting off with OP.

Stupid comment.

Above Mumsnet's paygrade? In that case, what would be the point of anyone posting on here at all??

Women come on here for all sorts of reasons, often because a professional, or a good one at least, is not available. At least some of her disatisfaction comes from the fact that she does not find him sexually attractive, and a big cause of that is the fact that he orgasms like a teenager and seems to be sexually awkward.

Great advice and well put

I was just wondering. I’ve never heard of a man in his 30’s have such serious sexual problems, tbh, as PP’s have said, he needs proper therapy.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have read and re-read them all. Sorry I cannot tag you all so I will do a general response.

UPDATE: after my last post and the messages I got I felt overwhelmed with emotion and regret and ended up talking to DP about everything.

I told him I wasn’t happy and haven’t been for such a long time and I believe our relationship is the root cause of a lot of it.
I told him that as great as he is, I can’t agree to live in this sexless friendship for the rest of my life at 30. I told him the prospect of staying in this relationship as it is until the day I die gives me panic and I feel desperate for an escape. I cannot go on living this lie indefinitely as it’s ruining my mental health and I cannot function as things stand. I told him how I cry in my car and that when he always catches me in the hallway just standing there staring into the abyss it’s not that I’m ‘just tired’ like I say, but it’s the turmoil of what I’ve gotten myself into and the future I’m facing.

Although I know many posters on here will feel that very heartless, so I must be be clear on this. If I am going to break up my family unit and shatter his life then I must be ruthless in laying my cards on the table so there is ‘grey’ area. If there is the tiniest chance that this could work then I cannot skirt around it or be gentle.

We have discussed the terrible sex many times over the years. Last time was in August when I told him I wasn’t happy a few days after a disastrous attempt at sex. I told him I couldn’t sign up for a life of no sex or step-by-step foreplay every 6 months. So in august he bought himself a sex book he hasn’t read and bought a sex toy we’ve not used as no sex since then. So nothing changed and he buried his head in the sand and carried on as usual.

So in this conversation I had to be ruthless to avoid what happened back in August of him saying the right thing and then that’s it. I told him that mentally I’m checking out now and I’ve even been thinking of co-parenting arrangements and looked up how we could organise childcare/nursery between us. That is how mentally ‘done’ I’m getting. I told him I have started fantasising about sex with other people and how the thought of knowing I will never have functional sex again in my life overwhelms me with grief.

I also pointed out how he too cannot be happy with this. To be a 35 year old man in a sexless relationship with no spark or chemistry and he must want that for himself and deserves it just as much as anyone else. I said maybe I’m just the wrong fit for him and with someone else he may be able to have a happy and fulfilling sex life with spark and chemistry which he absolutely deserves.

His response: he completely agrees the sex is fucking awful. He said he adores me and our life and doesn’t want it to end. He said he’s been thinking these past couple of weeks about how we haven’t been intimate enough and of his issues. He acknowledged that there is nothing further I could do to improve things as I have been so willing to try everything for 4 years but it’s him that has to be the one to put in the work as actually there’s nothing more I can do to improve this.
He thinks we need more time together as a couple and date nights.

We both agreed 6 months. We will give it until June to improve. Then he says we can both agree to separate impeccably and as good friends instead. He said I shouldn’t then feel guilty as I gave him a chance and he didn’t deliver. He said he’s grateful for the discussion as he’d rather me be ruthless and him have a chance to try to save the family unit than to just pull the plug and walk away. He’s adamant that things will work and I’ll be happy. He reckons he won’t be burying his head in the sand about our relationship and will face it head on as he knows I will walk by how well thought out my separation plans. Although suprisingly he said he’s not worried as he knows he can make this work. I found that a bit odd as if it were that simple we would be in this position right now. But anyway he’s going to throw everything into this he says.

So that’s where we stand currently. Will this work or won’t it? Who honestly knows.

But now thanks to this deadline and discussion I feel as though I can breathe slightly. By the end of 2023 I’ll either be a single parent living a new life or I’ll be content within the family unit. He knows the score and luckily he agrees and understands. If he puts in no effort then I won’t feel half as guilty walking away as I know I did try and even laid it all out for him clear as day to work on.

Thank you all so so much for your responses. When I wrote this post I was an absolute mess and felt I was going insane with turmoil. Within 24 hours I have some clarity and a clear action plan for my own life. Another poster said that the relationship hasn’t failed it we split as well have our beautiful child come from it and that’s along the lines of my thinking. If we can’t make it work but we can coparent with an appreciation of eachother than that in itself is a success.

I thank you all so much for your stories. They seriously all resonated for me and made me feel not alone and not like a complete F up. I didn’t even know it was possible to sleep walk through life, I honestly didn’t. But now I know better and will do better, never again.

I am so grateful to you all. I will definitely update come June. Either in a state of panic about sorting out single parenthood or being content with a real life sex life that’s not just a fantasy in my head.

Well done OP. I hope it works out for you.

Please make sure you are extremely careful about contraception during this trial period. I know it's probably not high in your list of worries, given the situation, but an unplanned pregnancy could really throw a spanner.

@category12 You are right in that suggestion. To be honest I’m not on any contraception right now as I’m practically celibate. So I’ll see how things go and if he succeeds in being able to have an actual sex then I’ll go on a contraceptive. I won’t jump the gun just yet as I’m still unsure as to how this is going to actually happen but if it does I’ll be down the clinic pronto.

You've done amazingly well OP!

There is nothing "ruthless" about laying your cards on the table. I think it's all you can do, and you've done it bravely, and it is the "kindest" thing all round.

It will be interesting to see what changes now that he has a gun held to his head, and whether that changes the way you feel about how he has been when you weren't holding a gun to his head. But whatever happens, you are no longer buried alive with no glimpse of daylight.

Wishing you all the best OP and look forward to your update next year. Happy Xmas in the meantime!

If you're going to give it a little more time, see if he can find a sex therapist.
They might get to the root of what his issues are with sex.

Please see a therapist for yourself to discuss everything thing with whether you stay with him or not.

Well done op, either way things will change. Fingers crossed for you he delivers. The only other comments I’d make is that it may be nice for you to work on it together rather than leaving him to it (even if he does the bulk of the work),
it may feel nicer to do it together and realistically it may be overwhelming, and setting him up to fail, but it’s a fine line of you not fixing it for him.
i wouldn’t have this as the only conversation until June
and also consider what Is ‘enough’ for you.
so if he works on it until June and it improves but isn’t perfect, and he promised to continue and another check in in 6 months is that ok? Or does it need to be perfect by June? I think again you may be setting yourselves up for failure if it’s the latter.
or alternatively if he does nothing till may and then it’s a 180 turn around in June is that ok?
i think I’m saying just think about your expectations and keep communication lines open
well done though, i absolutely think you did the right thing. Hope you can have a more content festive season now

One other 🙄

it’s ok for people to have opposing opinions you know. You agree with the OP feeling sorry for herself. I feel sorry for the bloke. OPs come on for opinions, not so everyone will agree. If we all agreed there would be no wars!!

Agree with previous poster. A sex therapist is vital as he’s not going to be able to do this alone. He needs help.

I think they do for everyone.

That’s not the same as a long-term misdiagnosis of a ‘chemical imbalance in your brain’ and the resulting decades of anti-depressants that are so often prescribed.

Well done for telling him how you feel. Must be a relief to get it off your chest. I think a good idea to give it a bit of time however, as others have said, he probably needs some sex therapy - he won’t be able to sort this out on his own, particularly since he’s done nothing about it before…

I honestly know. This is all bullshit OP. You married someone you weren't attracted to for your own selfish reasons. Of course it's not going to work, of course sex isn't going to work - you're not attracted to him.

My DH married me when he wasn't attracted to me, had a child and told me after 25 years together. He absolutely ruined my life and wasted my life away like it was nothing.

You are completely wasting his time while making him think the problem is that he has ED and if only he be better in bed then it will all be fine. I think the sooner you leave this really lovely sounding man to find someone who will appreciate him the better. He deserves the chance to find someone who is attracted to him and loves him, you've already made he life a sham for enough years. Lave him alone and go find whatever it is you think you want.

I agree you need to make sure you are on contraception. I hate sex, I am asexual, I don’t have any libido, I don’t masturbate and have never had an orgasm. Sex with men has ranged from awful to just about tolerable for me but has never really been enjoyable. I’ve been celibate over a decade and don’t miss sex. However in my first (and only) relationship I was able to push myself to maintain a sex life with my boyfriend for the first 6 months or so, I tried really hard and was able to go along with pretending to enjoy it/ faking orgasm etc to keep my partner happy because I did like him and I wanted to be with him. However it wasn’t sustainable, over time I became less and less able to maintain the facade and in the last year of our 3-year relationship we probably only had sex 3 or 4 times and only because he coerced or forced it. Obviously in hindsight I shouldn’t have pushed myself to have sex for his behalf and faked enjoyment in the beginning but at the time I wanted it to work and thought if I tried hard enough my attitude to sex would improve and I would end up enjoying it.

What I’m saying is just because he is able to make an effort with sex for 6 months doesn’t mean he will be able to sustain it over years/ a life together and so the last thing you want is to get pregnant whilst things appear good only to find yourself in a position where it would be even harder to leave because now you have another baby. Not all people have a high sex drive and if he’s gotten to 35 without sex being high on his agenda I think it’s very unlikely that will change in the long term, however that doesn’t mean he can’t fake it for 6 months or however long it takes for you to fall pregnant again and be in a weaker position to leave and move on.

@MolkosTeenageAngst I feel that you are right and this man is just not a sexual person, nothing wrong with that in and of itself of course!