I can’t stand my lovely loving DP, wtf do I do?

[WhatTheFdoIdo]

Seriously mumsnet,

Tell me what the actual fuck do I do in this.

have a gorgeous 10 month old baby with DP so this isn’t straightforward.

met DP coming up to 4 years ago. He was in hindsight a rebound that went too far.

Before DP I was madly in love in a man who couldn’t commit so he ended it. When I say in love, I mean I woke up every morning on cloud 9 for a year. Never had I met someone who could make me laugh so hard and who I fancied and could relate to on such an intellectual level. Alas he ended it and I was broken but instead of dealing with it flung myself into online dating and met DP.

DP was so safe. He’d never had a girlfriend and was a virgin at 31. He was kind and secure and wanted a wife and kids. What I wanted. So we dated. Then after a year decided for him to move into mine. Then lockdown happened a week later so was essentially stuck together. things weren’t right and I knew it but so much other stuff happened. He lost his job. Then my dad got terminal cancer and i had to care for him until he passed away. It was horrific and I ended up on strong dose antidepressants. DP managed to get another job and my dad died.

Then basically I became a passenger in my own life. My life was happening but I just didn’t have the ‘oomph’ I used to have to direct it.

fast forward to now and we have a baby and a dog.

I look at my life and I’m like ‘how the fuck did this happen?’

I hate myself for letting this happen. I was so controlled up until this point in my life. Every move I’ve made in work, friendships, love, houses etc have had some calculated thought. I don’t know how these massive decisions have passed me by.

So what’s the exact issue here?

I am not attracted to DP. I have tried pretending to be and fooling myself but I’m just not. The sex is fucking awful. He cannot maintain an erection and he’s shit at foreplay. Every time we do it, it’s like a scene from a comedy sketch it’s so bad. Sometimes he ejaculates before his boxers even come off. It’s shocking it really is. To the point where now I just don’t bother.

I’ve become obsessed with sex. I dream about it, think about past partners and how I’d love to be single and shag my way through Britain. I’m not joking. My vibrator has never seen so much action.

DP now annoys the shit out of me. Every little flaw is magnified. I get annoyed so easily by the poor man.

DP is hands on with baby. It’s 50/50 in terms of childcare and he ADORES being a dad and partner. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but I am so unhappy.

I forgot to get my antidepressants so was without them for about 10 days and my goodness I got to the point I was pretending to go to the shop to cry in my car. Thinking about how I’ve fucked up my life and I’m now essentially trapped in this forever. What the fuck is wrong with me? Without the medication I felt awful and obsessed by how trapped I am in this life.

Im back on the medication but now I can’t help but wonder if the meds are just numbing me to the truth?

Then I look at my beautiful baby and feel such guilt it almost winds me. I always wanted a baby in wedlock with a man I loved. I am 30. I am unmarried and had a baby with a man I can’t even shag.

But what’s the alternative here? My poor DP goes and lives in a rented house he could barely afford and does 50/50 childcare with me. I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

my DP just got offered a new job and was so excited and happy. I looked at him and thought ‘you’re living the life I want’. He is with the woman he loves with a lovely baby, nice house and good job. Meanwhile I’m ramming antidepressants down my throat daily to numb the pain, not had a shag in months which was terrible and pretending to the world life is good.

I just wish DP would cheat on me or walk out or something.something that would justify the ending of this family unit that wasn’t my actions or choices. But that would never happen. So I’m stuck. This is my life.

I just despair I really do. I don’t know what the answer is for me or my baby. Every woman says DO is a rarity, a man that is house proud, hands on as much as me and dotes on me and baby.

Then I think maybe it’s just the depression talking and wanting to blame something/someone? And actually I do love DP I just don’t realise it.

I don’t know what to do and I am a mess.

Please someone give me some direction and tell me what the fuck to do?!

He was a rebound guy OP who you don't really fancy and the worst sex imaginable. You're too young for your fanny to die.

If you missed 10 days of your meds the levels/effect might still be building up again which could be part of why you're feeling particularly rough.

But I think you're right @WhatTheFdoIdo , he's not the guy for you (or most women.)

Maybe try and get some more therapy or something to build yourself up to have confidence in your decision either way.

But I do think you're right this isn't the guy for you.

You say I wanted that in reference to a man lacking sexual ability who was offering stability, a nice home, a baby, a dog, security.

You now say I want to laugh, shag my way around Britain

You need to firstly recover from the depressive episode caused by suddenly coming off high dose antidepressant medication.

On a more even keel, you'll probably find a more balanced perspective.x

I am then a single mum shagging men I met online on my free weekends. Maybe I do meet someone I love and my poor baby is in some crappy blended family set up with a stepdad. Sounds like my own childhood and it weren’t great tbh.

You would do whatever you want within the confines of being a mum. Having a stepdad wouldn't necessarily be bad if he was a nice guy. Better than having a mum who is so unhappy.

Sorry to say the Mumsnet classic, but why did you have children with this guy?

Also your comment about blended families is actually offensive - my parents divorced when I was 2, I have no recollection of it and we had a great blended family with a lovely stepdad. I’ve never known any different and it’s “normal” to me, not any more crappy than people who’s parents stayed married. Do you think it’s better for people to be miserable for 18 years instead?

I think the opposite.

I think that many, many women are desperately unhappy in their relationships but they are told they have depression so they blame that. When really, they just hate their life.

It was certainly true for me. I left my relationship and hey presto, came straight off the anti-depressants. Turns out I was never depressed at all.

I know this isn’t your issue, but a therapist I once had said that 99% of women who come to see her with a libido problem actually have a relationship problem.

Things aren’t always chemical. You are not always the problem.

I’d say that many people with ‘depression and anxiety’ actually have a life problem.

Oh this is such a tough one OP, I feel for you.

Firstly, please stop beating yourself up about it. It's not your fault things panned out this way.

I'm usually a LTBer and a big supporter of women choosing being happy on their own over a shitty relationship. But two things stand out here:

• you have a new baby and you're not well mentally. Not an ideal time for making important, life changing decisions.
• (I'm cringing even saying this but with a couple more decades of life experience under my belt) you have a stable, secure family life with a person who adores you and your child; that is hard thing to find and worth fighting to keep, if you can.

Have you spelled it out to him? Told him exactly how you're feeling, really explicitly, and that you're going to leave (very soon) if it can't be fixed? From what you've said he seems like a decent person who deserves that one last shot at becoming what you need before he loses you altogether.

Sorry to say the Mumsnet classic, but why did you have children with this guy?

She’s explained why very clearly.

This.

I would never waste my life like this. I'd take a deep breath and prepare to separate. You'll have to share your child though. He sounds like a great dad.
It will hurt but better sooner than later.

Mate, I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking to read. I've been where you are- minus the kid, but that was just luck- and it's awful. I was heartbroken and genuinely didn't care if I lived or died tbh, I was a state and on Prozac so when I met this guy who was kind to me I got sucked in. Before I knew where I was we owned a house, had two dogs and he proposed and we were organising a wedding. I used to wait until he was asleep and then sneak into the en suite and cry. The sex was also terrible. Despite all this I was sleepwalking through it all and just kind of thought "well I'll never be truly happy again so this is as good as anything else I'd do."

He was desperate for kids so I kind of shrugged and was like "I guess" and came off the pill a few months before the wedding. It was just good luck that I didn't get pregnant and then one day I was at work and this new guy walked in and was introduced and I knew he was going to be my husband. Something about him just clicked something in my brain. I went home and ended it with my fiancé only six weeks before the wedding. Just on the strength of this feeling this random man at work gave me, a guy that I knew nothing much about other than that- after an afternoon in the staff room- he was single and I knew he fancied me too. It was nuts. But I was right and I'm married to him now with three kids.

Looking back I shudder and how close I came to fucking things right up. I can completely see how some other circumstances/other luck (like a lockdown or a job loss or me getting pregnant immediately) would have propelled me into the wedding and baby with this man that I knew deep down- not even deep down- that I didn’t love.

I’m sorry that you’re that bit further down the road. It’s fucking horrible you’re stuck linked to him now forever (although I appreciate that you wouldn’t change having had your baby now he’s here). But this isn’t the end of the world. Okay, your childhood doesn’t sound great, but it doesn’t have to be that way for your child or you as a single parent. You’re so young, you’ll meet someone else who you really love and maybe even have more kids. Plenty of blended families are very happy and have loving and lovely sibling relationships. And your child will be unhappy growing up picking uo that his parents relationship isn’t right. Kids know this stuff.

And your partner will get over it. My fiancé was a walking sad sack for a year or so, but he’s married with kids now and I’m sure feels he dodged a bullet just as much as I do.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you but nothing is irreversible except for death. There’s a better life out there for you and your child. Good luck.

Sorry meant to add- your partner needs to accept a certain amount of responsibility here too. Unless you're the best actress in the world he knows something ain't right. My fiancé later admitted he knew I was going through the motions but it suited him to go along with it.

True - I had depression/anxiety for years. Finally found a job I enjoy and miraculously it disappeared. If you spend hours a week on it (job or relationship) and it’s shit, it will affect your mood 100%. Didn’t a study come out recently saying the “chemical imbalance” theory of depression is basically bollocks/unproven and most of it is down to life circumstances?

For his sake as much as yours you need to end it.

Youre wasting his time and youre wasting yours. Stop being so passive and get over yourself a bit. You both deserve to be happy, but youre choosing to play pretend because you cant deal with conflict or upsetting anyone. Hes not a charity case, and he may well love you more than you love him, but that doesnt mean he couldnt be happier with someone else. Im sure hes well aware that your heart isnt in it.

Most depression is caused by something in the person's life (that's what a consultant said to me.) That isn't to say that some people aren't more prone to it etc.

The pills will be helping you keep afloat @WhatTheFdoIdo (which is good.) Further treatment/medication review, maybe adding something else in, and/or therapy will help you move forward rather than feeling trapped.

Totally agree with this. I was on antidepressants for years and years after a really shitty adolescence and being around abusive people. There’s this common saying along the lines of before you diagnose yourself with depression, check you’re not surrounded by arseholes. Not saying your partner is an arsehole, but a wrong match can be soul destroying.

Im my case, I moved far away from toxic people, retrained and got a job I loved, met people who were a better match for me and, well, not been on medication or even felt remotely depressed in ages. It was ‘shit life around the wrong people’ syndrome, not a chemical imbalance in my brain.

In the middle of the last century loads of women were hooked on valium to cope.

I have bipolar and will be on meds for life but that doesn't mean life circumstances don't make a difference. If anything, if someone has a tendency towards MH problems they have to be more careful what/who they allow in their life and to an extent work with their wellbeing. If something's too stressful for instance, and it's something I feel I can get out of, I don't do it. I try and limit the amount of stress in my life as much as possible.

on this note, one of the things that i held in my mind throughout the breakup was how lucky i was to among the first generation of women in human history who can actually leave an unhappy relationship and have a life without a man. Until the 1970s i wouldn’t have been able to get a mortgage alone, earlier in the 20th century i wouldn’t have had property rights or a job after having a child, and before that i’d have had no rights to see my DC if i left and if i’d stayed married would have literally been my husband’s property, legally and socially speaking. We are INCREDIBLY fortunate to live at a time in history when leaving an unhappy relationship is a viable option. We shouldn’t waste that if it’s the right choice for us.

Don’t despair
you haven't done anything wrong
just a human being

and it’s best to end it kindly
i read nothing that sounds like this relationship is a long term potential
mistakes happen

but also have faith

you can and will be happy again
he will still be her daddy
she’s loved

but keep up the ADs

but keep the faith that you can have a good and happy life again

and practice self care seriously whilst you figure this out

I married my rebound guy. I was also his rebound. Buried my head for years. Situation sounds like what you went through. A lot has gone on in your life. First of all breathe. You have lost your dad. Your relationship got serious in lockdown. Which wasn’t normal times for anyone. Now you have a baby which is tiring and hard work. First of all I would say see a counsellor. It worked for me. Unpick it all get your head straight and decide carefully what you need to do.

I was in a relationship where I had forgotten what good sex was like @WhatTheFdoIdo , then suddenly remembered.

Penetration that only lasts for a few minutes (and that with me clenching to try and keep it all 'working') is not it. So eventually I dumped him (after cheating on him.)

So I completely empathise.

Another glowing advert for OLD.

If we lived 30 years ago, this man would die a virgin

If we lived 30 years ago, this man would die a virgin

@Deniseee89 IDK. Men who are dreadful in bed have existed since the dawn of time and usually one of us poor schmucks would've ended up married to them. Like PP's have said though, the good thing is that now it's easier for us to escape (it mightn't feel easier, but it's easier than it was for a lot of our foremothers.)

I'm so bored of these horrible abusive posts, if you can't understand how easy it is to go along with things when life knocks you all over the place it's just better not to comment.