Page 7 | Man I'm seeing has 3 children with 3 different mothers. Red flag?

tinderexplorer · 2022-12-20T06:29:32+00:00

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

millymog11 · 20/12/2022 09:52

Everyone to their own I guess and maybe you feel super attracted to him but for me even two children with different mothers (and now again on the dating scene) would be enough of a red flag for me...

LucyAnn35 · 20/12/2022 09:53

Tsort · 20/12/2022 09:25

If you think that the majority of men wouldn’t flee from a woman with 3 kids from 2 men, you’re deluding yourself. Quite a lot of men won’t even date women with any kids at all.

This isn’t a value judgement. I’m sure you’re lovely and I’m glad things are working out for you. But, yes, most men - particularly men with options - wouldn’t want to date you. Much as most women wouldn’t want to date this man.

Show quote history

Yes I'm sure some wouldn't want to date a woman with kids, I'm just saying that's not been my experience personally. Without sounding big headed, I'm of above average attractiveness, I'm confident, I'm a nice person and I've never had a problem with men not wanting to date me. Some men don't want to commit, but they've never actually came out and said that. It's always been that I've found them lacking in some way and realised they aren't suitable. And that's not a bad reflection on them, committing to a woman with a ready made family and taking on those children as their own takes a special type of person.

whumpthereitis · 20/12/2022 09:53

Red flag for either sex, imo. Just no.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:54

LucyAnn35 · 20/12/2022 07:52

Hi, no I didn't. I had a baby with an American guy who came to the UK for 12 months. We slept together once but I wanted to have the baby. Five years later I had a child with my then partner, then we had another child 2 years after that. And the fourth child is my husband's.

Show quote history

Isn’t this the storyline for a Catastrophe?

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:55

LucyAnn35 · 20/12/2022 09:53

Yes I'm sure some wouldn't want to date a woman with kids, I'm just saying that's not been my experience personally. Without sounding big headed, I'm of above average attractiveness, I'm confident, I'm a nice person and I've never had a problem with men not wanting to date me. Some men don't want to commit, but they've never actually came out and said that. It's always been that I've found them lacking in some way and realised they aren't suitable. And that's not a bad reflection on them, committing to a woman with a ready made family and taking on those children as their own takes a special type of person.

Show quote history

How old are your children?

LucyAnn35 · 20/12/2022 09:57

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:55

How old are your children?

Show quote history

15, 9,7 and 2.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 10:00

LucyAnn35 · 20/12/2022 09:57

15, 9,7 and 2.

Show quote history

How the heck do you have time for so many relationships with men that you know that in your experience having four children with 3 different men isn’t an issue for any of them?!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 20/12/2022 10:00

Nope. Red flags galore here.

The other thing which would stress me out is working out access/dealing with the exes.

Tsort · 20/12/2022 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SirMingeALot · 20/12/2022 10:01

Tsort · 20/12/2022 09:48

I don’t think you’ve thought through what you’re saying or what you’re responding to.

Yes, a NRP should prioritise taking care of his kids. So, if he’s a decent dad and had 3 kids by 3 different women, he’s probably skint. Him doing what he should for his own children doesn’t mean that women must want to date him.

Yes, I’d want all of my partner’s money, time and energy channelled towards our kids and our lives. As my money, time and energy would be. So, I’d never date this man.

Show quote history

Yes, the key point here is that nobody is saying he shouldn't be paying for and involved with his other DC. We're saying that he should.

But children and care of them, especially when you have several, is sufficiently important that actually, a person's situation in this respect should be a possible deal breaker. And for someone who has had three children, which is a colossal amount of responsibility, with three different partners in a short space of time, that's going to mean that some people don't want to be involved with them regardless of the arrangements. Which is actually not a bad thing, because it happens far too often that a person gets involved with a partner who has DC, doesn't like that fact but also doesn't let it stop them from pursuing the relationship.

Tsort · 20/12/2022 10:02

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:54

Isn’t this the storyline for a Catastrophe?

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 10:03

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:41

Ah
The key there is she didn’t have children with him

Show quote history

Yes, she did. They are very much a blended family. The kids are very close, the parents are v devoted.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 20/12/2022 10:03

Why is he dating at all rather than hustling round to spend quality time with all those kids, and earn money to support them?

I wouldn't give such a lowlife the time of day.

Tsort · 20/12/2022 10:04

SirMingeALot · 20/12/2022 10:01

Yes, the key point here is that nobody is saying he shouldn't be paying for and involved with his other DC. We're saying that he should.

But children and care of them, especially when you have several, is sufficiently important that actually, a person's situation in this respect should be a possible deal breaker. And for someone who has had three children, which is a colossal amount of responsibility, with three different partners in a short space of time, that's going to mean that some people don't want to be involved with them regardless of the arrangements. Which is actually not a bad thing, because it happens far too often that a person gets involved with a partner who has DC, doesn't like that fact but also doesn't let it stop them from pursuing the relationship.

Show quote history

I think you responded to the wrong poster. Did you mean this for @FloydPepper ?

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 10:04

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:32

And when’s he’s out coaching all his kids sports…. He’s not with the Op or coaching their kids sports

Show quote history

Sure he is. He coaches all his kids' sports, they're both at the games. It's full on as they're all extremely athletic. As were the parents.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 20/12/2022 10:04

If the kids were both older and spaced further apart like 18 11 and 6 I'd be more inclined to think that there could be reasonable explanations and it was to his credit that he mentioned it e.g. 18yo (he knocked up lass in sixth form) 11yo (knocked up long term university girlfriend by accident but relationship didn't work out) , 6yo deliberately conceived but relationship didn't work out.

but no this is just not a situation you want to get involved in

strawberry2017 · 20/12/2022 10:05

It would be a no from me.

SirMingeALot · 20/12/2022 10:05

Tsort · 20/12/2022 10:04

I think you responded to the wrong poster. Did you mean this for @FloydPepper ?

Show quote history

No, I was agreeing with your explanation to them.

Tsort · 20/12/2022 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LucyAnn35 · 20/12/2022 10:06

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 10:00

How the heck do you have time for so many relationships with men that you know that in your experience having four children with 3 different men isn’t an issue for any of them?!

Show quote history

I don't, I'm married. I've dated other men casually that I've not introduced my kids to.

Raindancer411 · 20/12/2022 10:06

Personally I would be running far away...

Tsort · 20/12/2022 10:06

SirMingeALot · 20/12/2022 10:05

No, I was agreeing with your explanation to them.

Show quote history

Ah, I see. Fair enough!

Userno3636273737273 · 20/12/2022 10:07

My father could beat it. He had two babies in the space of 2 months, with 2 different woman (obviously) olds another one 2 years older and another older one he had never met. He now has younger children with his wife he's been with a long time.

but yes it would be a red flag for me but people do change for the better. He may have matured.

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

That really made me chuckle. Do you not know anything about your friends' lives? She & I have been close since we were children, we certainly know each other well.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 10:08

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 10:04

Sure he is. He coaches all his kids' sports, they're both at the games. It's full on as they're all extremely athletic. As were the parents.

Show quote history

That does not make sense

You are saying that all the kids in this scenario are similar ages and doing the same sport that the husband coaches?

yeah. Right