Page 6 | Man I'm seeing has 3 children with 3 different mothers. Red flag?

tinderexplorer · 2022-12-20T06:29:32+00:00

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

Tsort · 20/12/2022 09:25

LucyAnn35 · 20/12/2022 09:18

When I met my husband, I had 3 kids by 2 men. Then we went onto have a fourth together. It's never been the case for me that men have been put off. I have qualities about me that extend beyond the fact I've got kids to different men. In fact some told me that they respected me more for the fact I effectively raised 3 children singlehandedly. Having kids has limited my options in who I dated because some men would be unsuitable to introduce to family life, but that's because I was picky from my end, never them telling me that they didn't want me.

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If you think that the majority of men wouldn’t flee from a woman with 3 kids from 2 men, you’re deluding yourself. Quite a lot of men won’t even date women with any kids at all.

This isn’t a value judgement. I’m sure you’re lovely and I’m glad things are working out for you. But, yes, most men - particularly men with options - wouldn’t want to date you. Much as most women wouldn’t want to date this man.

AngelinaFibres · 20/12/2022 09:26

Hearmeout · 20/12/2022 09:18

It would very much depend on whether he was active in trying to 50/50 coparent these children for me and if that had not been accepted by the mothers hence his current agreements for contact.

If he had, I'd definitely give him a chance, he deserves love as much as a mother with children by different fathers. Sex can make both sexes mindless and stupid and careless, it's not exclusive to one or the other. Mistakes are made but people shouldn't be branded forever. Yes, children by multiple partners isn't a great look for either women or men, but life moves on.

If not though and it wasn't because of obstruction by the mothers, I'd find him a bit feckless and probably not see him again.

You need higher standards

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:27

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 09:20

A friend rang me to say pretty much the exact same thing. I was like omg no way. However, they actually married - and are still married 17 years later. He is a fantastic guy, has been a very involved dad with all of his children, coaches their sports etc. So I would say don't write him off.

That is great

but….

how does your friend and her children (if they had any together) feel about never having their home as…. Just that, their home, always being shared by others and the logistics of dealing with three other children and three other ex’s must be utterly exhausting

RosesAndHellebores · 20/12/2022 09:28

Is that a red flag? @tinderexplorer no, I don't think it's anything quite as benign. More a troubadours muleta with which he goads the bull before destroying it.

MaxTalk · 20/12/2022 09:28

Of course you need to dump him. Why is this even a question?

IneedanewTV · 20/12/2022 09:29

lunar1 · 20/12/2022 06:35

Do you want to live your life according to a contract schedule that needs to be negotiated with three different people?

This. Always having to share Christmas. Hopefully he is paying full CM but as it reduces for each child I feel sorry for the mother of the 3rd or is it 1st child?

i wouldn’t bother. Plenty more men around without his baggage.

Tsort · 20/12/2022 09:29

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You are aware that you don’t need to have kids with every partner you have, right? It’s an active choice.

Also, years and weeks. Add an ‘s’ and the words become plural.

HowVeryLikeSibella · 20/12/2022 09:32

Amber flag for dating - could have been two planned DC in long term relationships which ended amicably and one contraception failure during a short term fling with a woman who didn't want an abortion. He "might" be a perfectly nice bloke and a decent father.

Red flag for a long term relationship: far too messy.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:32

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 09:20

A friend rang me to say pretty much the exact same thing. I was like omg no way. However, they actually married - and are still married 17 years later. He is a fantastic guy, has been a very involved dad with all of his children, coaches their sports etc. So I would say don't write him off.

And when’s he’s out coaching all his kids sports…. He’s not with the Op or coaching their kids sports

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 09:33

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:27

That is great

but….

how does your friend and her children (if they had any together) feel about never having their home as…. Just that, their home, always being shared by others and the logistics of dealing with three other children and three other ex’s must be utterly exhausting

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She doesn't see it that way at all. They had one of his children (who was a toddler when they met) almost full-time, and the other two visited - and she is a very devoted stepmother, has very close relationships with all of them. The eldest now has her own children and my friend is utterly in love with her grandchildren. They're a lovely family, amazing kids, all doing so well.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:33

Tsort · 20/12/2022 09:29

You are aware that you don’t need to have kids with every partner you have, right? It’s an active choice.

Also, years and weeks. Add an ‘s’ and the words become plural.

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She’s had two children 😐

Naunet · 20/12/2022 09:33

HowVeryLikeSibella · 20/12/2022 09:32

Amber flag for dating - could have been two planned DC in long term relationships which ended amicably and one contraception failure during a short term fling with a woman who didn't want an abortion. He "might" be a perfectly nice bloke and a decent father.

Red flag for a long term relationship: far too messy.

Looking at the ages of the kids, any relationships can’t have been that long term

SirMingeALot · 20/12/2022 09:34

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:32

And when’s he’s out coaching all his kids sports…. He’s not with the Op or coaching their kids sports

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Mmm, and this is what I meant about neither alternative being something I'd find desirable.

If he's a deadbeat then he's a deadbeat, which is a clit shriveller. And if he isn't a deadbeat then he's pouring a huge amount of his time and resources into his three existing children, which is a positive thing in itself but means that wouldn't be available for mine.

fuckwhatshouldido · 20/12/2022 09:34

On the surface this is very much a red flag and I’d approach with caution, but I wouldn’t entirely write him off. If DP and I have a child it would be his 3rd by 3 different women. DSS’s (10) mum passed away when he was a baby. He then married and they had DSD (6). The marriage broke down and we got together. And if we had a kid and then broke up for whatever reason, he’d have 3 kids by 3 women. But he’s absolutely lovely, total catch, brilliant dad - we have DSS full time and DSD 50/50, he’s super involved and great with both his and my kids. I’d definitely want the full story OP, but I wouldn’t totally write him off. However be wary as it does seem probable that he’s just a bit of a shit -Occam’s razor and all that!

Ramble0n · 20/12/2022 09:36

Marmalade71 · 20/12/2022 08:03

What the fuck is this baby mamma baby daddy shite? Are you all 12?

Just came to say the same. Just stop with the baby mama/daddy shite.

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:38

SirMingeALot · 20/12/2022 09:34

Mmm, and this is what I meant about neither alternative being something I'd find desirable.

If he's a deadbeat then he's a deadbeat, which is a clit shriveller. And if he isn't a deadbeat then he's pouring a huge amount of his time and resources into his three existing children, which is a positive thing in itself but means that wouldn't be available for mine.

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Exactly.

So he’s either a shit dad - steer clear

or he’s a great dad - in which case lots of time away from you and your children.

So steer clear in every scenario

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:39

And so much of his money going to other children

when I’d want it all of that money to be channeled ours our children together

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:41

AcerbicColleague · 20/12/2022 09:33

She doesn't see it that way at all. They had one of his children (who was a toddler when they met) almost full-time, and the other two visited - and she is a very devoted stepmother, has very close relationships with all of them. The eldest now has her own children and my friend is utterly in love with her grandchildren. They're a lovely family, amazing kids, all doing so well.

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Ah
The key there is she didn’t have children with him

Tsort · 20/12/2022 09:43

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:33

She’s had two children 😐

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I do worry what other people think and if I get into a relationship hopefully for keeps I'd love another child if I'm not too old.

FloydPepper · 20/12/2022 09:44

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:39

And so much of his money going to other children

when I’d want it all of that money to be channeled ours our children together

Ooh you’ve done it now. I thought the consensus here was a NRP should prioritise paying for their kids. You’d want all of his money?

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:46

fuckwhatshouldido · 20/12/2022 09:34

On the surface this is very much a red flag and I’d approach with caution, but I wouldn’t entirely write him off. If DP and I have a child it would be his 3rd by 3 different women. DSS’s (10) mum passed away when he was a baby. He then married and they had DSD (6). The marriage broke down and we got together. And if we had a kid and then broke up for whatever reason, he’d have 3 kids by 3 women. But he’s absolutely lovely, total catch, brilliant dad - we have DSS full time and DSD 50/50, he’s super involved and great with both his and my kids. I’d definitely want the full story OP, but I wouldn’t totally write him off. However be wary as it does seem probable that he’s just a bit of a shit -Occam’s razor and all that!

On another thread you started you say your DP has 3 kids AND you already have 3 kids from a previous relationship

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:47

Ursuladevine · 20/12/2022 09:46

On another thread you started you say your DP has 3 kids AND you already have 3 kids from a previous relationship

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Oh and you were pregnant 7 months after getting together with him 😐

Tsort · 20/12/2022 09:48

FloydPepper · 20/12/2022 09:44

Ooh you’ve done it now. I thought the consensus here was a NRP should prioritise paying for their kids. You’d want all of his money?

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I don’t think you’ve thought through what you’re saying or what you’re responding to.

Yes, a NRP should prioritise taking care of his kids. So, if he’s a decent dad and had 3 kids by 3 different women, he’s probably skint. Him doing what he should for his own children doesn’t mean that women must want to date him.

Yes, I’d want all of my partner’s money, time and energy channelled towards our kids and our lives. As my money, time and energy would be. So, I’d never date this man.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/12/2022 09:48

Well I wouldn’t be pursuing this relationship, no. For the reasons stated by many wise MNers above. I don’t want the potential drama or shenanigans, or even just the logistics and financial drain tbh. I would let this one go op.

Lulu1919 · 20/12/2022 09:50

Bananalanacake · 20/12/2022 06:34

If you like him take it slowly, if he sees each of his DC several times a week and he's not a deadbeat dad then great. Definitely don't let him move in and always insist on condoms.

This ..plus if he sees three children regularly he's not going to have much time for you ...