Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Man I'm seeing has 3 children with 3 different mothers. Red flag?

536 replies

tinderexplorer · 20/12/2022 06:29

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

OP posts:
Squirrelsnut · 21/12/2022 17:41

Vast flashing neon red flags.

bubbleandsqueakk · 21/12/2022 17:41

Even if he was a good man and the relationship breakdown's were not due to his own issues, this will be incredibly mess OP. What if you want children in the future with him? Do you want a child to have 3 separate siblings all with different mums. Even if this was a woman I'd still say stay clear!

Reigateforever · 21/12/2022 17:44

Don’t even think about going on another date with him. He may even be double dating you.

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 17:46

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 17:35

I would be EXTREMELY surprised if my daughter behaved in such a manner. It would not align with the values she has been taught.

She comes from a stable family and this sort of thing would be very surprising. If after 2 kids by 2 men she thought she was going to introduce a 3rd to them, I would honestly think she had some sort of mental disorder.

And that’s my answer. Roger that!

Milly2022 · 21/12/2022 17:48

Please don't help him make it 4.

BaconChops · 21/12/2022 17:48

You even have to ask?

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 21/12/2022 17:54

Would be for me, especially as two are fairly close in age

Gendercritic · 21/12/2022 18:00

Yes, you need to be careful but I think it's only fair to ask him. My husband had his first child with his partner at age 26. They were due to split but he stayed with her for 2 years to co-parent and was very hands on after that for as long as he could. He then had 2 children with his first wife but they split up after 10 years at age 40 or so. We got together, got married and had our son and have been together 22 years. I've been an actively involved step-mum with 2 of the other kids living with us approx 50% of the time before they left home; the eldest was taken out of the country by her mother, much to his distress. He's been a great dad and husband and I feel lucky to have him.

BabyDriversMummy · 21/12/2022 18:03

A sea of red flags from here to Australia.

cobden28 · 21/12/2022 18:06

No matter how nice of a boyfriend he may be in other ways, the fact that he has three children by three different women is a VERY big red flag. Break off the relationshop ASAP - you don't want to be no 4., do you?

CambsAlways · 21/12/2022 18:06

not in zillion years would I entertain that

LonelyMamaof1 · 21/12/2022 18:09

I’m posting without reading any of the comments. This is a huge red flag. I married a man who had two children to two different women and had not married either woman. I thought I was different in that respect. I had his third child, whom I love more than the earth and would do all over again. Long story short, there’s a reason why he couldn’t maintain a relationship. He was incredibly domestically abusive and I left after he finally hit me. 4 weeks after he hit me, he entered into a new relationship.

Trust your instincts. If you have to ask, you may already know the answer. You may be being love bombed.

murakamilove · 21/12/2022 18:09

Wow - only read the first page, not much love for him is there? 🤣
I’d say go with your gut. It’s your life.
I have a wonderful friend who has 3 children by 3 different dads & it works really well for them.

Gendercritic · 21/12/2022 18:12

And when I say ask him, if it sounds like he's been unlucky in love and is not totally feckless and shitty, follow up and and check it out properly. I am absolutely not saying to take a relative stranger at face value!

Dancingonthemoonlight · 21/12/2022 18:12

Would it be a red flag if it was a woman with 3 kids by 3 different dads? 🤔

Dacadactyl · 21/12/2022 18:13

@Dancingonthemoonlight Yes.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 21/12/2022 18:14

Possibly with only two years between two it could be for either gender

Sennelier1 · 21/12/2022 18:15

unless you always wanted to manage a big but still newly assembled multi-family situation......run!

Everydaywheniwakeup · 21/12/2022 18:15

Dancingonthemoonlight · 21/12/2022 18:12

Would it be a red flag if it was a woman with 3 kids by 3 different dads? 🤔

Absolutely.

KateKateLee · 21/12/2022 18:15

tinderexplorer · 20/12/2022 06:29

I have been on 2 dates with this man. He is 36. He has dropped a bit of a bombshell and I am not sure how to proceed. He has 3 DCs with 3 women. He said he has good relationships with each DC and loves them. They are 12, 10 and 6. I did not press him about why the relationships he had with the DCs mums didn't work out. I am now wondering what has gone on with his prior relationships. I also wonder if the DCs were planned or not. I thought there was potential after the first date but not I am not sure. It's put me off him a bit honestly.

Unless you are planning to have kids with him does it matter? There can be all sorts of reasons for relationships breaking down. Not all of them bad.

PetuniaT · 21/12/2022 18:16

Does he earn enough to pay child maintenance on his first three or will you be subsidising him?
I'm surprised you even have to ask for advice

Strangeways19 · 21/12/2022 18:17

Personally I would finish out a big more about it. I mean there's a lot of comments about how the relationships broke down & an assumption that he's a player's but we don't know this. It could be that one two or all 3 of the women dumped him who knows?
I had 2 DC's with 2 different dads & I had a boyfriend when the youngest was about 5 who's family really judged me. The reality was very different than they imagined.
However I have another DC with someone I've been with for 25 years & who took the younger two on as well, so I would find out more before you judge x

me109f · 21/12/2022 18:17

Good answer!

FamilyLife2point4 · 21/12/2022 18:19

MyMumSaysALot · 20/12/2022 09:01

This doesn’t seem like a red flag, @tinderexplorer —

It seems more like a team of red flag bearers in front of a marching band playing Hit The Road Jack (and dontcha come back no mo no mo - Hit The Road Jack and dontcha come back no mo!)

😆😆😆 creased! But yes ^ this!!!

Playingchesswithpigeons · 21/12/2022 18:22

Charley50 · 20/12/2022 08:09

Yea because she is primary carer to her kids

Show quote history

Kate Winslet has 3 children, with 3 different men.